yorkie173

I went to Al Anon last night for the first time. I was surprised when someone that my husband and I both know from our old neighborhood was there, he knows her from his AA groups. She asked me "what are you doing here"? And I felt so uncomfortable... I feel like I can't be honest there or share because she goes to the same AA groups as he does and knows him for years from there. I can't find another meeting because this is the only one closeby and convenient for me. Is it weird that I feel weird?

Freedom1990

That would be an uncomfortable situation for sure.

Anonymity and what is said at those meetings is supposed to stay at the meetings however.

The thing is, I attend Alanon for myself, not because of what my AD is/isn't doing. I'm there to work on me and improve my life, so I don't discuss AD.

I'm sorry that is the only meeting that works for you. If you're not comfortable opening up or sharing, well, that is just where you are at!

Sending you hugs of support!

yorkie173

My opinion of what I am doing by attending is trying to understand why he is the way he is. Does that make sense and is that what I can get out of Al Anon?

I hope to be able to share soon but feel odd doing so when she knows him and attends his AA meetings.

Freedom1990

Yes, that makes sense.

I can only share what I get out of Alanon, which is working on improving self, and living a life that is true to self.

The thing is, even if you get a supposed answer to why he does what he does, that doesn't change the fact that he does it, correct?

Sometimes, in a difficult situation, we "think" if we understand something, that will make the situation more tolerable or acceptable.

My AD does what she does because she's an addict. It's not personal.

My life goes on despite what she does/doesn't do.

My happiness is not contingent on her.

Make any sense to you?

yorkie173

Totally makes sense. So I am thinking that what I hope to gain is understanding so I can better react to situations rather than make them worse, because I'll know how to handle the issues.

Freedom1990

Now you're getting it! We can't change others, but we can change how we react to them!

In my case with AD, my boundaries were set years ago because I had temporarily taken her in, which was a huge mistake.

Now she is not allowed in my home unless she has at least 2 years solid recovery under her belt.

When she calls with the latest drama (usually an eviction), I no longer allow myself to get sucked in.

I have very limited contact with her because although I accept where she is with her life, I don't have to take a front row seat to it anymore.

For years I was enmeshed in her behaviors and chaos, and the end result was I stood at the precipice of losing my own recovery in alcoholism/addiction.

Alanon hasn't changed the people in my life but it sure has changed me!

m1k3

Al-anon is about your recovery and to be honest doesn't have anything to do with your A. If you aren't comfortable sharing at first that's fine but go and listen. You will share when you are ready. Don't they have beginners meetings?

Your friend,

masuhanley

I went to my first meeting Monday night. This is the first chance I have had to "review" my experience here on the boards.

I liked the meeting. It was so comforting seeing all of the people who are in my situation and have decided to take back control of their lives from their As. I got quite a few good pamphlets in my beginner's packet. I suspect I will purchase a book (not sure which one?) after I have been in recovery for a few more weeks.

I will admit, I have been engaging in drama with ABF this week even after attending the alanon meeting. Not sure why. I guess am not concentrating on me enough, although I am trying. ABF in in the middle of a major relapse and I am finding my codie tendencies difficult to keep under control. Maybe I need to find a CODA meeting in my area too?

Well, anyways, I look forward to doing some more reading tonight. I don't want to see ABF tonight and will spend the evening taking care of me. I am looking forward to my meeting next week already.

Peace.

Maureen

yorkie173

There are no beginners meetings where I am. I can't figure out the concept of me recovering. I just feel I need to cope. To learn how to act with him. Does that make sense?

OnMyWay11

Freedom

Did you ever feel the need to buy a home drug test for your AD?

Freedom1990

No I didn't and it didn't take her long (less than a month) to blow it drug and alcohol wise. She was out the door.

I allowed her in while giving her the benefit of the doubt.

What I learned from that experience is that my home is not the place for an addict, "supposedly" recovering, and certainly not for one in active addiction.

m1k3

Yep, makes perfect sense.

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

His drinking is not your problem. How you react to his drinking is your problem. There is nothing you can do to make him get better or even want to get better. That belongs to him. What you can do, and based on your post have already started to do, is let go of trying to control/cure his drinking.

Does that make sense to you?

yorkie173

It does make sense Mike. I should have mentioned he has been sober 14 years. So he doesn't drink at all but has all the -isms. He treats me like an alcoholic would treat people. So I am trying to learn how to cope with the -isms and I hope that Al Anon can help with that...?

Freedom1990

ISM=I, Self, Me. He does have incredibly selfish, self-centered, and degrading (to you) behaviors and attitudes. Yes, Alanon can help.

yorkie173

Thanks for the support!

m1k3

Yorkie,

Al-anon can be a big help. It will give you the tools you need to focus on yourself.

In my case when I started I was full of rage and I was the victim, and it wasn't my fault and life, the universe and everything was against me.

I am now much more mellow and accepting and focused and responsible and mindful.

Al-anon gave me the tools and support to realize that I can't control people, places and things. I can't control my wife, sober or not. I can't control my job, I can't control hardly anything.

But what I can control is how I CHOOSE to react to all this things going on around me and inside me. I don't have to get mad when things don't go my way. I don't have to jump on the merry go round of obsessive thinking. I can choose to react sanely rather then embrace the chaos.

And one interesting thing happened, when I gave up trying to control all this stuff I was no longer responsible for all this stuff. My load became so much lighter and more manageable.

So, based on my experience, Al-Anon can be a huge help.

Programmatic

Just for comparison, If I knew someone was in AA and their significant other showed up in an Al-Anon room I would welcome them with "Hey, it's great to see you, I've been saving you a seat" (or something like that) as opposed to "What are you doing here" (which should be rather self-evident).

michaelsgirl

I think is natural to feel weird in a place like that and very uncomfortable when you know someone ...but remember no one is perfect and they are there for some reason too. YOu can be honest is suppose to be anonymous...good luck and i hope you dont let someone keep you from being a better person or trying to deal with the same things I am at home ;( any advice would be wonderful I am here for you in Texas

LifeRecovery

If if is any help one of my Al-Anon friends has been in AA for 14 years and her husband for 26 (they met in the program after multiple years of sobriety for each of them).

She just started Al-Anon in the last year for her. He was still struggling with some of the --isms, and she realized she was reacting to them in a way that just made it all worse.

I have personally experienced that Al-Anon helps me with many relationships with As in my life because I only fully began to appreciate all of them (in terms of volume) after being in the program for some time. It has also helped me with dealings above and beyond A use including a new boss who I find challenging, a divorce, etc.

I will say though that I did not feel comfortable sharing right away and it took me awhile to get into it by more than just being there. Once I did though it was such a gift to me.

Serenity8

I agree with this, I am kind of surprised that she said that to you. I hope you can keep going if that's the only meeting that works for you, or find another meeting that works.