in love with an addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 6
in love with an addict
i'm not sure if this is appropriate, but i don't know where to turn. i'm not the addict. my beloved boyfriend is a "recovering" narcotic addict. we've been dating for two years. he has two children and i have one. we are so in love, we literally tell eachother we want to crawl inside eachother. i would do anything for him. for the first 1.5 years, i had no idea what was going on. the annoying or unusual things that he would do that i originally blew off as insignificant really started to bother me: he would say he would call and wouldn't (his excuse was always that he fell asleep), he would fall asleep literally at the dinner table while we were eating, he was ALWAYS late (not 20 minutes, like 1 or 2 hours!), his memory was terrible, he suffered from insomnia, and he felt this really really strong connection with his "friends" that i just couldn't understand--one of them sold drugs and many of them did drugs, and overall, he jsut really didn't prioritize me or our relationship. additionally, his pupils were always so small that i would joke with him they were stuck like that. god, i was so naive!! so i finally broke up with him. i had had enough.
one week later, he calls and tells me he needs to see me. so we meet. he confesses that he's a recovering addict (oxys mostly) and was on Suboxone the entire time we were together. he swore that he had been clean (other than the suboxone) for nearly two years and that finally he had stopped taking the suboxone. So we get back together. why? because i love him and thought i could understand everything now. but things don't change. so i break up with him again. a month goes by and he calls and tells me he relapsed, but that he's ok now and is "done with the stuff." we start talking as friends and eventually get back together. one week was great - the best week ever. my feelings were/are stronger than ever. he's open and "honest" (or so i thought), being so sweet to me, talking about a future with me, blending our families, buying a home together, etc. and then BOOM - he doesn't call or text for several days, ignores all of my calls and texts. i'm devastated. i drive to his house and demand we talk. he breaks down and we both cry together and he confesses he slipped up again and was too ashamed to call me. finally, he was being honest! but i was wrong. he said he would come to my house the next evening. he never showed up and has ignored all of my texts/emails/calls. that was a week ago.
i'm writing to try to understand what he is feeling. why is he doing this? i know he loves me, so how can he hurt me intentionally by telling me how much i mean to him and how much he loves me one day and then acting as though i don't exist the next day? why can't he just tell me the truth? i would never leave him for making a mistake. surely he must know this. was he using the whole time? did he ever really love me? i feel so confused. and so stupid. my heart is literally aching. i want to be there for him, but he literally just disappeared. i don't know what to do. how can i help him? should i just leave him alone? anyone? anything?
one week later, he calls and tells me he needs to see me. so we meet. he confesses that he's a recovering addict (oxys mostly) and was on Suboxone the entire time we were together. he swore that he had been clean (other than the suboxone) for nearly two years and that finally he had stopped taking the suboxone. So we get back together. why? because i love him and thought i could understand everything now. but things don't change. so i break up with him again. a month goes by and he calls and tells me he relapsed, but that he's ok now and is "done with the stuff." we start talking as friends and eventually get back together. one week was great - the best week ever. my feelings were/are stronger than ever. he's open and "honest" (or so i thought), being so sweet to me, talking about a future with me, blending our families, buying a home together, etc. and then BOOM - he doesn't call or text for several days, ignores all of my calls and texts. i'm devastated. i drive to his house and demand we talk. he breaks down and we both cry together and he confesses he slipped up again and was too ashamed to call me. finally, he was being honest! but i was wrong. he said he would come to my house the next evening. he never showed up and has ignored all of my texts/emails/calls. that was a week ago.
i'm writing to try to understand what he is feeling. why is he doing this? i know he loves me, so how can he hurt me intentionally by telling me how much i mean to him and how much he loves me one day and then acting as though i don't exist the next day? why can't he just tell me the truth? i would never leave him for making a mistake. surely he must know this. was he using the whole time? did he ever really love me? i feel so confused. and so stupid. my heart is literally aching. i want to be there for him, but he literally just disappeared. i don't know what to do. how can i help him? should i just leave him alone? anyone? anything?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
If this situation was happening to your best girl friend....what would you suggest she do?
Of course your child and your well being are the most important things to consider.
Welcome to SR...
Of course your child and your well being are the most important things to consider.
Welcome to SR...
Progressive Metal Vocalist
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: washington, dc
Posts: 98
run. fast, far, dont look back
i apologize for the bluntness, but as a recovering addict of over 3 years, the devastation, hurt and disruption i caused my wife and children is unmeasurable. although, there is some healing occurring, it was really not necessary for my wife or children to go thru this--they didn't cause it, can't fix it, and really dont understand (nor need to).
God bless you in your discernment process...
//GS
i apologize for the bluntness, but as a recovering addict of over 3 years, the devastation, hurt and disruption i caused my wife and children is unmeasurable. although, there is some healing occurring, it was really not necessary for my wife or children to go thru this--they didn't cause it, can't fix it, and really dont understand (nor need to).
God bless you in your discernment process...
//GS
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
My son who is currently in rehab told me that there can be 100 really good reasons not to use drugs and then there is a fight with the girlfriend and all those reasons fly out the window and the person is back to taking drugs. The need for the drug is very powerful. Your boyfriend may love you, but until he no longer takes drugs/alcohol you will continue to be second to his addiction. He says he is recovering, but apparently he's relapsed which is a very real part of this horrendous disease called addiction. Is this the life you see for yourself, the life you always dreamed of, being second best in your loved ones eyes?
Unless your boyfriend gets help, returns to rehab and begins the lifelong journey of recovery, you will continue to be second best in his life. Now is the time to really think this over. I'm sure a lot of people would tell you the cost is too great--that had they known what they know now they would never have chosen that path to take for their lives. Some addicts do recover fully and never return to using drugs. I wonder what steps your boyfriend did before he relapsed? Had he taken steps to steer himself from entering back into using drugs? A person can't just leave rehab and the problem is solved. It is a lifelong commitment to staying clean and sober.
Unless your boyfriend gets help, returns to rehab and begins the lifelong journey of recovery, you will continue to be second best in his life. Now is the time to really think this over. I'm sure a lot of people would tell you the cost is too great--that had they known what they know now they would never have chosen that path to take for their lives. Some addicts do recover fully and never return to using drugs. I wonder what steps your boyfriend did before he relapsed? Had he taken steps to steer himself from entering back into using drugs? A person can't just leave rehab and the problem is solved. It is a lifelong commitment to staying clean and sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hi DG, and welcome to SR. 
I know it feels personal, but it isn't. He isn't doing this to you. He's doing what active addicts do-use, lie, don't show up, make promises they can't keep.
He's got no recovery. At best he was on suboxone, and that was it. No other "program of recovery" like NA or SMART, therapy, counseling, etc.
As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (and codependent), I have to stand for something, or I will fall for anything.
I am proactive in my own recovery.
My EXAH and I felt the same way about each other, and it was a very unhealthy enmeshment, one that almost killed me. I didn't know where I ended and he began. That's not a healthy relationship.
I'd highly recommend getting your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I'd also recommend "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.
Check into some local Alanon (which is more widely available) or Naranon meetings where you will find face-to-face support among others who understand.
Again, welcome to SR, and know you are among friend, okay?
i know he loves me, so how can he hurt me intentionally by telling me how much i mean to him and how much he loves me one day and then acting as though i don't exist the next day?
He's got no recovery. At best he was on suboxone, and that was it. No other "program of recovery" like NA or SMART, therapy, counseling, etc.
As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (and codependent), I have to stand for something, or I will fall for anything.
I am proactive in my own recovery.
we are so in love, we literally tell eachother we want to crawl inside eachother.
I'd highly recommend getting your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I'd also recommend "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.
Check into some local Alanon (which is more widely available) or Naranon meetings where you will find face-to-face support among others who understand.
Again, welcome to SR, and know you are among friend, okay?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome!
Lots of red flags waving in your face. He is just doing what addicts do, and, you are reacting just like we codies do. I've been there, done that.
I like Freedoms ideas, Alanon and Codependent No More. I also would spend time reading others posts, a wealth of information in them.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Lots of red flags waving in your face. He is just doing what addicts do, and, you are reacting just like we codies do. I've been there, done that.
I like Freedoms ideas, Alanon and Codependent No More. I also would spend time reading others posts, a wealth of information in them.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by DGhelp 
was he using the whole time?
If you want to understand his addiction, google addiction brain scans. Read a sticky at the top of this forum called What Addicts Do. When/if you get sick and tired of learning about his disease, please take the advice of the members here and learn how to heal yourself.
The 3 C's:
You didn't cause his addiction
You can't control his addiction
You can't cure his addiction
The only one you can help is your child and yourself. Please protect both of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....this is a wonderful forum full of people who understand what it's like to love an addict.
Your heart hurts...it comes through in your post clearly. Although we often feel like they are doing this "to us", they aren't. They are suffering from a disease. That's not making excuses for them.....it's just a fact. And like any disease, if they don't treat the disease, it progresses. But we can't take their "medicine" for them and hope that it makes them better. They've got to want to do it for themselves. And there is nothing that we can say or do that will make them seek treatment or recovery. They either will or they won't and it's entirely up to them.
So what can you do to stop the pain? I can tell you what works for me. And that is.....I work the program that I wish the addict in my life would work. And I do it like my life depends upon it....because for me.....it does. Relief for me came in the rooms of Alanon and Naranon and it took a long time for me to "get it". I just did what they told me to do......I kept going back until the stuff that was being read and said started to make sense.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now.
gentle hugs
ke
Your heart hurts...it comes through in your post clearly. Although we often feel like they are doing this "to us", they aren't. They are suffering from a disease. That's not making excuses for them.....it's just a fact. And like any disease, if they don't treat the disease, it progresses. But we can't take their "medicine" for them and hope that it makes them better. They've got to want to do it for themselves. And there is nothing that we can say or do that will make them seek treatment or recovery. They either will or they won't and it's entirely up to them.
So what can you do to stop the pain? I can tell you what works for me. And that is.....I work the program that I wish the addict in my life would work. And I do it like my life depends upon it....because for me.....it does. Relief for me came in the rooms of Alanon and Naranon and it took a long time for me to "get it". I just did what they told me to do......I kept going back until the stuff that was being read and said started to make sense.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now.
gentle hugs
ke
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Welcome to SR, it hurts me to hear about your situation. It sounds just like I felt in my relationship with my ex. It took me 8 years of hell to be done with the insanity.
Your first priority should be you and your child. You asked how you could help him, I believe that helping yourself is helping him.
Addicts lie, cheat, steel. They are also undependable. From what I read you have been involved with him on and off for a few years now. How much more of your sanity, peace of mind, your childs peace of mind...are you willing to spend on him?
Your first priority should be you and your child. You asked how you could help him, I believe that helping yourself is helping him.
Addicts lie, cheat, steel. They are also undependable. From what I read you have been involved with him on and off for a few years now. How much more of your sanity, peace of mind, your childs peace of mind...are you willing to spend on him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by DGhelp
i'm writing to try to understand what he is feeling. why is he doing this?
He wants to get high.
Five words, that's all you need to know, to understand the crux of the situation, and go forward with your decisions.
(And what "he wants" is told by what he DOES, not by what he SAYS.)
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Welcome DGHelp.
I am so sorry for your situation and especially your pain. I truly know how you feel. I could have written your exact post 6 years ago. I remember loving my husband (then boyfriend) so desperately that I could feel him inside of me with every breath and every beat of my heart.
I also remember the break ups, the promises, the clarity, the disappearing, the bliss one week then then the heartbreak the next. And I definitely understand how you have gotten involved in all of this and how badly it hurts and how much you want to find a way to make it work.
I can't tell you why or how he thinks what he does. I have some guesses and the main one is that he is an addict and that's what addicts do. They do it because their brains are a mess. They are not in their right mind - even when they are not high. People in active addiction do not have relationships in the normal sense of the word - they take hostages. Anyone involved with an active addict is simply starring in a role in their play called "Doing What I Need to Do to Keep My Deal Going".
People don't get clean for someone else and it last/work. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you. There is absolutely nothing that you have to do with this. It doesn't make sense to you because you are not wired that way. I have read every book on addiction known to man. I have studied it inside and out trying to get the answers to the questions that you are asking. And the simple answer is they do what they do because they are addicts. It is a disease of the body, mind, spirit. And until they want help for themselves then there is nothing that you can do except.......
Take care of yourself and your child. Create boundaries that protect you and your child. One thing that helps me is to create a boundary that says "if you are sober for a year and work a program then we can talk about some sort of relationship". Anything that you do to help make that easier for him (providing a place to live, putting up with the erratic behaviors, etc.) will only delay his doing the deal for real.
I can only share my experiences with you. My husband got sober almost 6 years ago - finally. He moved in with me and my sons because he knew that he would not be able to remain sober if he lived alone. I fell for that. Well, he did stay sober but my experience with a newly recovering man was not good. I was constantly in turmoil and fear that he was going to relapse during that first year. I felt incredible guilt for exposing my sons to the situation. I did work the program for myself that I wished that he worked....and it ended up saving my life. I was as sick as he was in my own way. Although my husband has remained sober our relationship has not survived. I loved him more than life itself and now I have him blocked on my phone. I had to uproot my sons and leave MY home because he wouldn't leave. I am in transition now, waiting on MY home to close (had to sell it due to financial issues that occurred with my husband), His behaviors and personality traits that led him into addiction remained even when he was sober. He was definitely not the man that I fell in love with when he was sober. He was detached, irritable, sometimes beguiling and loving (when he sensed that I was about to leave), and manipulative.
The worst part of it was the focus that I allowed myself to put on him. My sons are now in 11th and 12th grade. I threw away my precious time with them over the last 6 years being preoccupied with a man. I will never get that time back. I won't even begin to go into how that feels to me now. I want to grab a banner that says to you "get all the help that YOU need to understand why you would put yourself in this position". Quit worrying about why he behaves and feels the way that he does and ask why you are in this situation and would expose your child to this. I am definitely not saying this with judgement....I understand and I did it my way. I joined this forum in 2005 and I received the same information to run. I didn't. I felt different and lucky because my addict "got sober". I just didn't realize what else it really took for things to change.
We have some amazing "double winners" (recovering addicts and also codies) on our forum. They are a shining example of what it takes to do the deal. Not many people have the courage or fortitude to do it. But....each of them says they did it because they finally reached their bottom.
My heart goes out to you. I know that you are hoping for someone to give you the answers that you want to hear. I wanted to hear from someone that made it to the "other side" with their man. I'm still waiting on that.....
I hope that you will take the time to read all of the stickys, keep reading the posts, get Co-Dependent No More, and get to some meetings. All of that is what really helped me the most. By focusing on me instead of him I finally was able to find the peace and understanding that I was seeking all along.
Gentle hugs......
I am so sorry for your situation and especially your pain. I truly know how you feel. I could have written your exact post 6 years ago. I remember loving my husband (then boyfriend) so desperately that I could feel him inside of me with every breath and every beat of my heart.
I also remember the break ups, the promises, the clarity, the disappearing, the bliss one week then then the heartbreak the next. And I definitely understand how you have gotten involved in all of this and how badly it hurts and how much you want to find a way to make it work.
I can't tell you why or how he thinks what he does. I have some guesses and the main one is that he is an addict and that's what addicts do. They do it because their brains are a mess. They are not in their right mind - even when they are not high. People in active addiction do not have relationships in the normal sense of the word - they take hostages. Anyone involved with an active addict is simply starring in a role in their play called "Doing What I Need to Do to Keep My Deal Going".
People don't get clean for someone else and it last/work. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you. There is absolutely nothing that you have to do with this. It doesn't make sense to you because you are not wired that way. I have read every book on addiction known to man. I have studied it inside and out trying to get the answers to the questions that you are asking. And the simple answer is they do what they do because they are addicts. It is a disease of the body, mind, spirit. And until they want help for themselves then there is nothing that you can do except.......
Take care of yourself and your child. Create boundaries that protect you and your child. One thing that helps me is to create a boundary that says "if you are sober for a year and work a program then we can talk about some sort of relationship". Anything that you do to help make that easier for him (providing a place to live, putting up with the erratic behaviors, etc.) will only delay his doing the deal for real.
I can only share my experiences with you. My husband got sober almost 6 years ago - finally. He moved in with me and my sons because he knew that he would not be able to remain sober if he lived alone. I fell for that. Well, he did stay sober but my experience with a newly recovering man was not good. I was constantly in turmoil and fear that he was going to relapse during that first year. I felt incredible guilt for exposing my sons to the situation. I did work the program for myself that I wished that he worked....and it ended up saving my life. I was as sick as he was in my own way. Although my husband has remained sober our relationship has not survived. I loved him more than life itself and now I have him blocked on my phone. I had to uproot my sons and leave MY home because he wouldn't leave. I am in transition now, waiting on MY home to close (had to sell it due to financial issues that occurred with my husband), His behaviors and personality traits that led him into addiction remained even when he was sober. He was definitely not the man that I fell in love with when he was sober. He was detached, irritable, sometimes beguiling and loving (when he sensed that I was about to leave), and manipulative.
The worst part of it was the focus that I allowed myself to put on him. My sons are now in 11th and 12th grade. I threw away my precious time with them over the last 6 years being preoccupied with a man. I will never get that time back. I won't even begin to go into how that feels to me now. I want to grab a banner that says to you "get all the help that YOU need to understand why you would put yourself in this position". Quit worrying about why he behaves and feels the way that he does and ask why you are in this situation and would expose your child to this. I am definitely not saying this with judgement....I understand and I did it my way. I joined this forum in 2005 and I received the same information to run. I didn't. I felt different and lucky because my addict "got sober". I just didn't realize what else it really took for things to change.
We have some amazing "double winners" (recovering addicts and also codies) on our forum. They are a shining example of what it takes to do the deal. Not many people have the courage or fortitude to do it. But....each of them says they did it because they finally reached their bottom.
My heart goes out to you. I know that you are hoping for someone to give you the answers that you want to hear. I wanted to hear from someone that made it to the "other side" with their man. I'm still waiting on that.....
I hope that you will take the time to read all of the stickys, keep reading the posts, get Co-Dependent No More, and get to some meetings. All of that is what really helped me the most. By focusing on me instead of him I finally was able to find the peace and understanding that I was seeking all along.
Gentle hugs......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 6
thank you
First of all, I would like to say thank you so very much for all of your encouraging (and difficult to hear) words. I won't lie - I was hoping someone would say he can change, they can make it through, there is hope. But no one said that and I suppose in my heart I knew no one would say that. That's probably why it's taken me so long to come back and read the responses to my post.
Hearing your stories and advice have helped me know the right thing to do. The loss I feel is immeasurable. I know now that I cannot be with him if I want to treat myself well and provide the best possible future for my son (thank goodness he is only 5 and his exposure to him has been minimal). But I feel supported now, by all of you. I'm so glad I found this site. I never even stopped to consider myself as a "codie" but I am open to looking at myself as well. Can't ignore the truth, right?
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. My love is so strong for him. I feel weak and stupid but it's true. The one thing I am happy about is that this "roller coaster" is ending. Not having him but keeping hold of my sanity FINALLY seems a better option than keeping him and continuing with the ups and downs. I am so unbelievably sad--- I just wish I could fast forward through this part.
Thank you all again, so much, for your thoughts, ideas, advice. I'm so glad you're there.
Hearing your stories and advice have helped me know the right thing to do. The loss I feel is immeasurable. I know now that I cannot be with him if I want to treat myself well and provide the best possible future for my son (thank goodness he is only 5 and his exposure to him has been minimal). But I feel supported now, by all of you. I'm so glad I found this site. I never even stopped to consider myself as a "codie" but I am open to looking at myself as well. Can't ignore the truth, right?
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. My love is so strong for him. I feel weak and stupid but it's true. The one thing I am happy about is that this "roller coaster" is ending. Not having him but keeping hold of my sanity FINALLY seems a better option than keeping him and continuing with the ups and downs. I am so unbelievably sad--- I just wish I could fast forward through this part.
Thank you all again, so much, for your thoughts, ideas, advice. I'm so glad you're there.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I know what you mean, coming face to face with reality just plain hurts. However, your priorty, today, is to protect your child from his toxic lifestyle. And, only you can do that.
He created this addiction and it is up to him to make the decision to actually embrace recovery...for life....keep in mind recovery is not a cure all, his personality will still remain, he will have to fight this battle all of his life, there is no cure for addiction.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting and wondering if he will resume his addiction? I know I didn't, life is just too darn short to be baby sitting an addict. Using is not a mistake, it is a choice.
You will get through this, you must, for your child.
Hugs,
He created this addiction and it is up to him to make the decision to actually embrace recovery...for life....keep in mind recovery is not a cure all, his personality will still remain, he will have to fight this battle all of his life, there is no cure for addiction.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting and wondering if he will resume his addiction? I know I didn't, life is just too darn short to be baby sitting an addict. Using is not a mistake, it is a choice.
You will get through this, you must, for your child.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The loss I feel is immeasurable.
You're definitely not alone, dear!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by dollydo
Lots of red flags waving in your face. He is just doing what addicts do, and, you are reacting just like we codies do. I've been there, done that.
with my NA, yes he was in recovery(maybe a lie?) but was sneeking my booze behind my back...(denial)....what if you did "kick" him to the curb "with active al anon"....and he left "the dear john" letter?.....
its been a year, still no contact...but i feel i am still "stuck", what am i missing?....
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
ahhhh.....gentle hugs going out to you. It really sucks. And boy I know that big time. I didn't have the strength to walk away years ago when I was in your shoes. I just couldn't do it. I tried a number of times but the pain was too great.
I had one of the better "outcomes" that I know about. My addict got sober. He didn't cheat on me (anymore) and in many ways he changed a whole lot. I just knew that we were going to be different. He had a 20+ year crack addiction so his addiction is profound. What he did was amazing but unfortunately, he stopped short of what it was going to take for us to work out. It was such a long shot....but I was so crazy/deeply in love with him that I was willing to take the risk. Unfortunately, he was so irritable being sober (but not fully working a recovery program) that his anger, judgements, and self centeredness destroyed our relationship. None of those characteristics of his were obvious when we were dating and he was still using. They came out after he became sober.
What I've learned about myself is that I have a huge tendency to fall in love with illusions and potentials. That really scares me. One of my attributes is that I see the good in others. One of my character defects is that I take that into a realm where I open the doors of my life and heart to people that don't deserve to be there.
Your son is young.....remember that when you expose him to a user that you are modeling to him how to be a user or leave with a user. Flat out. You might think that he is immune to what is going on but I promise you he is not. My sons are now 16 and 17. They first met my husband when they were 8 and 9. I cringe EVERY time I think about what I put them through with him. And I cringe EVERY time I think about how his behaviors had my emotions hijacked over the last several years.
Maybe you can do this but is it really worth the gamble? I know how much it hurts and I promise you that no matter what you chose that we will be here with you. Everyone has been there with me - and that is the beauty of the program. You are the only one that knows what is best for you. I wish that I had listened to everyone years ago but I wasn't able....I got myself in too deep/too fast. But....each of us is ready when we are ready. That is true for addicts and that is true for codies too. No one is saying that is what you are. I figured it out for myself once I read Co-Dependent No More.
Hang in there friend. PM me any time that you need to talk. I'm here....as are all of us.
I had one of the better "outcomes" that I know about. My addict got sober. He didn't cheat on me (anymore) and in many ways he changed a whole lot. I just knew that we were going to be different. He had a 20+ year crack addiction so his addiction is profound. What he did was amazing but unfortunately, he stopped short of what it was going to take for us to work out. It was such a long shot....but I was so crazy/deeply in love with him that I was willing to take the risk. Unfortunately, he was so irritable being sober (but not fully working a recovery program) that his anger, judgements, and self centeredness destroyed our relationship. None of those characteristics of his were obvious when we were dating and he was still using. They came out after he became sober.
What I've learned about myself is that I have a huge tendency to fall in love with illusions and potentials. That really scares me. One of my attributes is that I see the good in others. One of my character defects is that I take that into a realm where I open the doors of my life and heart to people that don't deserve to be there.
Your son is young.....remember that when you expose him to a user that you are modeling to him how to be a user or leave with a user. Flat out. You might think that he is immune to what is going on but I promise you he is not. My sons are now 16 and 17. They first met my husband when they were 8 and 9. I cringe EVERY time I think about what I put them through with him. And I cringe EVERY time I think about how his behaviors had my emotions hijacked over the last several years.
Maybe you can do this but is it really worth the gamble? I know how much it hurts and I promise you that no matter what you chose that we will be here with you. Everyone has been there with me - and that is the beauty of the program. You are the only one that knows what is best for you. I wish that I had listened to everyone years ago but I wasn't able....I got myself in too deep/too fast. But....each of us is ready when we are ready. That is true for addicts and that is true for codies too. No one is saying that is what you are. I figured it out for myself once I read Co-Dependent No More.
Hang in there friend. PM me any time that you need to talk. I'm here....as are all of us.
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