StPeteGrad

I can't believe I'm on this side of the site.

I've been on SR since March, received a 4 month coin tonight in AA.

When drinking, I was really mean in the irresponsible way. With the exception that I rarely raised my voice and was never physically violent - I was your typical a-hole alcoholic with ALL the baggage that goes with it, including affairs. My wife stayed with me but it was really difficult for the family.

Well she has been taking xanax for over a year now. She gets the Rx that's supposed to last a month and it's gone in 10 days. I've even purchased vodka for her just so she could make the xanax last a little longer. She ran out yesterday.

Tonight she was feeling crappy and apparently was looking for a reason to be pissed off. She dug into my Facebook account and found some correspondence I had with a female friend from college (15 years ago). I said some things that were pretty mean about my wife and uncalled for. I don't remember saying them and saw it was two days before I finally quit drinking - when my own illness had finally peaked and I hit bottom. I was in a treatment center 6 days after writing that.

I was lying in bed playing a game on my computer, my 8 year old son was trying to fall asleep next to me watching the game(the cat puked all over his bed while the kids were with me at the b-day meeting) and she stormed in and threw my Android phone at me, split my chin open. Started yelling "you can't have it both ways."

The speaker at AA tonight talked about growing up around physical and emotional abuse and I thought to myself "I'm so glad I'm in the program so my children don't have to live like that."

I could have called the cops on her - domestic violence in view of children. However, I feel like I would be a huge hypocrite. She could pull any s-head card on me and be right - I was that person.

I'm mostly concerned that she did that in front of our son. I'm so angry right now. I tried talking to him to see how he was but he just hid in his shell. I could tell he didn't know which parent, if any, he could trust.

One of my old drinking buddies used to say "There's a wife beater in every one of us, your (the wife) job is to not bring it out." Screwed up, yes, but it was all I could do to not escalate the situation. I made her tell me why she did that and wouldn't drop it until she did. I deleted my Facebook account today - I did stupid things with it in the past and she infers whatever she wants from what she sees. Especially childhood church camp friends who I've never spoken to her about.

In addition to my cell phone, she's also thrown and broken her laptop, broken our son's Nintendo DS and put numerous holes in doors and walls.

Again - I don't really feel like I can talk to her about this stuff. I'm not cured, I'm just not drinking and working on recovery every day.

I'm so worried about what's going through my son's mind right now. I can't imagine what it must be like to not be able to trust my parents. Mom is mad and dad is bleeding.

I'm so confused and sad. I'm over the fact that my chin is split, but not that our son saw it happen.

laurie6781

For your son I would suggest looking into finding a child therapist and getting him to some sessions ASAP.

For your relationship, well ............................................. 1) please do NOT buy your wife vodka to 'extend' her xanax prescription. One of the warning labels on that prescription is NO ALCOHOL. 2) Keep working on your recovery. Work your program the way you w2ish she would work hers. Be an example of how a person can change.

You are in a tough spot. Please talk with your sponsor. If you had the time, I would suggest some Alanon meetings, however right now your meetings, be they AA or NA are the most important at the moment.

Please keep posting here and in the other forums, letting us know how you and your son are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Dee74

I'm really sorry you're in this spot mate, but for what it's worth Lauries advice seems sound to me....

and if you can possibly squeeze any alanon into your free time, I'd really think about it, SPG.

D

grateful101010

She doesn't need vodka or Xanax, no one does.

All the stupid stuff you did while drunk will haunt you for awhile; it doesn't magically go away overnight once you get sober. She's super pissed off and hurt at what you wrote; she lost control and threw a phone at you. Once is tolerable, more than once (breaking other stuff) - she's out of control. She needs to go to Al Anon and possibly has addiction issues herself. Your marriage is going through a big bump in the road that you both need to handle. Maybe it will survive, maybe it won't. She's not being a good parent by exploding in front of your kid; but neither were you a good dad by being such a jerk to your wife while you were drinking.

Ann

Sometimes relationships become toxic and when that happens it can do serious emotional damage to children.

Either your wife and you can work this out or you can't. Some people do and some relationships are just beyond repair.

I would be concerned that she throws things. She hit you today and may hit your child or the dog another day. It is a sign of her being "out of control".

We all understand about angry here, I have been angry enough to scare myself more than once when my son was deep into his addiction. But I didn't cross the line of abuse...and I didn't take Xanax or vodka. Your wife may need to work through many many issues she had and still has over your behaviour when you were using/drinking and right now she is "stuffing" her feelings and numbing them with self-medication. We all know that never works.

Maybe family counseling would help you all. It's worth a try. And I agree with those who suggested Al-anon. If that doesn't help, maybe putting a safe distance between you would be the answer.

Good luck, I hope you can sort this our peacefully.

Hugs

somberheart

I can relate to this post in SO many ways. Your wife is HURT. Very very hurt. She needs to begin her own recovery, and if she doesn't, it can and WILL impact your recovery as well. I am in no way condoning her actions by the way. It is NEVER okay to treat people with disrespect (especially with phsyical force, or damage to property) and even worse to do it in front of your children. If you can, remember how your wife was there for you, and your addiction. You guys probably fought, lies were told, and did your wife support you through it all? Was she the rock then? I am working on my own codepence issues now, as well as an addict husband (who is 20 days clean today..in rehab) and those looming thoughts can really get the best of you everyday. The What if's, what do i do, will he do this ...etc etc..

As for your children..Get them to see a counselor ASAP. Your kids may have never seen you angry or violent, but they KNOW that their dad was troubled, and now there mom is. Kids are smarter and more observant then you may think. The day my daughter told me to "try not to yell at daddy for taking his medicine, so he doesn't get sick.." I thought I would die, did she really know all of this? How could she possibly hear that..? Your kids are dealing with issues too, even though they may go on everyday not showing it. I think its best you take care of them, and get them to see someone to talk about their home life. Also, kids learn behaviors from their parents. You wouldn't want your children the way you or your wife has acted do you? I hope that everything works out for you. It is hard to forgive and forget, and your wife seems like she is dealing with more than codependency issuses and addiction issues.

kiki5711

You're lucky she didn't kill you.....

I mean, after all the years she had to put up with all the stuff you did, now it's all coming up to the surface.

In other words, she's had enough of you, one way or the other.

husband

StPeteGrad already acknowledged that he did things throughout his use that caused damage to his family and himself. It's obvious his wife is upset and not thinking clearly.

I doubt I'm someone you'd want to take advice from but this isn't something you or your children should be around. Having a 0 tolerance for violence doesn't mean you don't support or love your wife. In fact it's the opposite.

To take action against such abuse is far from hypocrisy. Unless you are still drinking or being physically or mentally abusive. It doesn't make it any more acceptable even if you were.
i.e. just because you've done it doesn't make it "ok" for her to do it.

Coming from her side of dealing with someone in the early stages of recovery it's easy to fly off the handle. Is it appropriate? No. This is one of the reasons why communication is so important.

If communication isn't an option than there are other things to deal with first.

Please. As a parent it is our responsibility to shield our kids from things like this. Do not enable this behavior by justifying it due to your previous actions.

I feel for you and hope the three of you are able to get the help you need.

StPeteGrad

Thank you for the support. We haven't really spoken much today. She said she was surprided she finally hit me. I asked her if she spoke to our son. It was a start but mostly along the terms that I made her do it. My jaw is still very sore and I don't have the energy to have a talk about how I can't MAKE her do anything.

We have horrible communication.she tells me its because I can't read her mind after this many years of marriage - she's partly kidding.

Both kids are complaining about aches and pains of all sorts. My son says he doesn't remember...but I. Know he was watching.

I have some friends in AA I could talk to about this. I haven't called my sponsor yet.

I deleted my facebook acct. No booze, no facebook. I'm taking the bullets away so we can hopefully agree that she needs to work some sort of program.

Thanks all
SPG

milo88

Sorry to be harsh, but I have to agree with kiki5711! You should go and stay somewhere else for a while - sounds like you both need space, and your kids need not to see that! She is using Xanax to get through the day, and probably to try to keep her anger under control - that is no way to live!
She does have a right to be angry. If you didn't have children together you no doubt would not be together any more. There isn't much that's more important than trust in a relationship, and it doesn't sound like there's much of that left here.
Personally I think the best thing you could do is give her some space and let her get herself together. She sounds like she's close to breaking point.
Being sorry for hurting someone doesn't mean it's all okay now. To a lesser degree I have been in your wife's position, and I'm not sure if it's possible to forgive all that. She must have very little self esteem left.
Just because you get better, get over your addiction, doesn't mean the damage done just disappears overnight.

suki44883

Physical violence is NEVER okay. She may have the right to be angry, but in throwing that phone, she could have hit your son. Violence is wrong and you should both get that down immediately!

As far as the rest goes, either your marriage will survive or it won't. She needs to seek help for her own issues and you need to seek help for yours. You both need to see that the children get help for theirs. What happened in your home tonight is intolerable and completely unacceptable.

kmangel

Check out the Marriage Builders website and search for physical abuse. There are several responses to abuse on the site that may be helpful. I really like this site. So many marriage programs are all words and not much practical help. This site is very down to earth and easy to understand. Perhaps you can look at the site together with your wife, but at least it will give you some concrete things to work on to help you deal with this toxic situation you are now facing.

Have you considered marriage counseling? Before you were free of your addiction, it would have been pointless to go to marriage counseling as you needed first to beat alcoholism, but now you can work on your marriage. Run, don't walk, to a therapist. You need help asap before something worse happens.

husband

There is a common idea that just because there are kids, the parents should stay together at any cost. I am in no way advocating divorce. I hope there is enough in your relationship to make it work. Just understand that this is not always the case and be ok with it. You can be sad.. I am. It breaks my heart knowing we might not make it through. My wife and I are both trying and that's about all we can do. We want this to work. Not because of the kids but because we have something we'd like to keep and in some ways restore. You are seeking help. I advise her to do the same be it alanon AA or NA. If she doesn't I don't see this getting any better. It won't be easy but provided there is will.. It can be done.
Do yourself the wife and the kids a favor. Set the boundary of no violence... Now.

Dee74

As someone who was once on the end of domestic violence many years ago, the idea that I might have somehow 'deserved' it is repugnant to me.

Violence is never ok.

D

EJG123

When my D was taking xanax among other drugs, she could be explosively violent.

I had to establish a boundary : I will not accept violence in my home. If she got out of hand, I would see her leave of her own volition, or I would call police and she would leave with them. I would decide when and if she could return. Unfortunately, after letting her come back many times, I finally had to tell her she could not return at all.

If your wife has a legimate prescription for xanax, maybe you should speak to her doctor.

outtolunch

So dad is a recovering A with baggage and mom is abusing drugs.Sounds like both are seriously codependent, too.

And in the middle of all this, are some terrific kids learning from their immature parents how to handle anger, treat others and be treated by others.

Mom and dad need to grow up and break this cycle. Please seriously consider family therapy.

outtolunch

Could not agree, more.

thequest

Anger is one thing but physical violence on multiple occassions-with children around. Noooo

There's more going on her than the lack of Xanax, it's called lack of self control or anger management. There are certain lines you simply do NOT cross. Most have gotten angry in life but most have NOT injured someone or broken stuff because of anger. Some people get violently upset when things don't go their way-I've seen it. I don't even know what to do sometimes other than go out of my way to avoid escalation which it sounds like you did.

I don't know if I would be giving them alcohol Vodka either. You shouldn't have to play doctor ie "prescribe" her something everytime she gets angry. I'd give her a calm but firm warning, next time I call the police. You call your doctor or go to a meeting or something next time you want more Xanax. But you go off I call the police.

tjp613

I don't care what you did or didn't do to 'provoke' her outburst -- violence of this nature should not be tolerated under any circumstances, much less in front of impressionable and frightened children. Period.

Freedom1990

Please contact your nearest domestic violence center and talk to a counselor.

Regardless of what you have done in the past, that does not give her leeway to enact violence in your home.

The damage to a child's psyche while living with violence is immeasurable.

My 33-year-old AD lived with it the first 8 years of her life, and she is a rage-aholic.

Please do something to stop this vicious cycle, please.

Praying for all of you!