whereisthisgoin

I just posted today in the other thread that my A admitted to having an affair (and still is) and he'll be moving out in a couple weeks - we will be getting a divorce.

The very next day after telling me about the affair, he went on a business trip. He'll come home late Saturday and likely "go to the beach" again on Sunday.

Without a doubt, this is where he hooks up with his girlfriend. Trust me on that - it's not even debatable.

How am I supposed to react to this?! Again, I'm trying to be extremely calm and keep things under control for our teenage son. In reality, I am going to be seething inside to know he's leaving to go have sex with her (that's not debatable either).

What I really want to do (BUT WON'T, I PROMISE) is to throw his stuff on the lawn, empty his beers...but I think that reaction would please him, hurt my son and make me look like a fool.

What I also want to do is tell him to keep it in his pants and stay home this weekend but I know that would just give him the opportunity to say something nasty and head out anyway.

What I think I can tolerate doing is minimum conversation, and keeping to myself when he's in the family room - I'll just go somewhere else. I'll take any advice - we've been married for 18 years and having him come home after having sex with another lady makes me sick to my stomach. It's going to be very hard to share the house with this man until he finally leaves.

I certainly don't want to do his laundry or run any errands for him. Do I at least get to enjoy that little bit of passive aggressiveness??

I'll take tough love, caring advice, a kick to the head. This is unchartered territory for me.

LexieCat

Personally, I think I'd rather have him OUT of the house, doing whatever, than hanging around after a revelation like that. I assume you have separate bedrooms at this point? How soon can one of you move out? Seems like a pretty untenable way to live--the tension must be excruciating.

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? If not, do that promptly. Start making plans for where you want to go from here, and how you are going to get there. Focus on your life ahead. If you start now to plan for a great future for you and your son, you will have less time to wallow in anger and resentment.

Thumper

What LexieCat said !! and no I would not do his laundry, make his food, run his errands, make his bed, take his calls, or any other thing. I don't even think that is passive aggressive. Why would you do those things for someone that is behaving like he is?

Thinking of you.

whereisthisgoin

Thankfully all of you on this website have helped me to plan when I knew things were wrong but I couldn't yet pull the trigger. I do have a lawyer and I feel reasonably prepared.

EXCEPT I feel so unprepared for this Sunday afternoon and night. I am just dreading it. I don't know how long til he moves out. He said he's close to getting his place - I didn't press since this info was delivered the same day the affair came out.

suki44883

Why does he feel it's okay to continue to live there when he is seeing someone else, even if it is only for a couple of weeks? I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I'd tell him that if he wants to spend time with his new girlfriend, that's fine, but he won't be living in the family home while he's doing it. The very least he owes you is a little respect and dignity.

whereisthisgoin

We have our 15 yo son living with us. We haven't talked to him about the divorce yet. I think I still have to make dinner for us all. I think!

barb dwyer

I hate to be the one to always gloom and doom
but ... HEP C is very very easy to catch.

Might want to get yourself tested?

whereisthisgoin

Help me play the movie out. We are in separate bedrooms. We'll all get up, eat breakfast on our own (that's fairly normal), then he'll shower, pack up a cooler of beer and "head to the beach". He'll want to leave at 9a.

So, I should stop him and say, "Can I talk to you for a bit?"

When I say, you can't live here and be seeing her at the same time. He'll say, "I told you, I'm moving out soon. SOON."

There is nothing I can think of to say next that won't get a snarky reply and him leaving anyway...

Thumper

Well I didn't refuse to let my xah eat food that was on the table but I sure didn't save him plates or make him lunches seperate from what we ate or warm up left overs or whatever. I used to do those things. I think normal married people do those things.

I'll admit to passive aggressively making my favorite meals all the time though.

My xah hardly ever ate with us anyway. He'd have had to crawl up out of the basement and deal with his kids when he really just wanted to pass out at that time of day. He got up and ate after they were all in bed.

ETA: Talk to your lawyer about getting him to leave. You can have that done before the divorce files. It is temporary but it gets him out.

whereisthisgoin

We've been living in reeeeeeaally separate bedrooms for months. I did just have my annual and am clean! (that's where I would've found out if I had it, right? - or is it a blood test?)

MayaandMe

Can you take your son on a road trip? Maybe get out and do something fun the two of you?
I wouldn't want to be waiting for my H to get home after that news. I sure wouldn't make him food or take care of him at all. He has made his choice, he can deal with the consequences. Good for you for thinking of your son, but don't forget, you are important, you matter, take care of yourself, too.

LexieCat

Blood test.

Yeah, the lawyer could draft a complaint or motion requesting an order with a provision requiring him to move out immediately. Might wanna get the ball rolling. Sometimes "soon" can be a LONG time. This way he won't be able to drag his feet indefinitely.

newnormal4me

"He said he's close to getting his place"

Then tell him to head down to the local motel 6 until it's settled. Seriously, I can't believe what some people do to others. That is beyond cruel! What a jerk!

whereisthisgoin

Oh, he's not a jerk. It's all my fault for being in the separate bedroom. He said I have sexual anorexia or something to that effect.

newnormal4me

Oh, I hear you. Been there done that myself! It is truly sad. I hope this period of your life will fly by fast so you can move on to true healing. Sounds like you really deserve it and so does your son. I admire that you are truly putting your son in the forefront. That can be hard to do under these circumstances. ****{HUGS}}}

Alone22

If it were me I would be no where around when he got home. I would return after he left. I would leave him a note, a text message or an email that told him to pack his stuff and get out. If I read it correctly your son is 15 and you don't share a bedroom. If that is the case I would think your son is old enough to see the writing on the wall.

It is horrible that your AH is putting you through all this. I like what everyone said above. You deserve better and so does your son.

skippernlilg

I remember being nervous about getting exABF out of the house and then having to explain to DS10 about it all. This is tough!

But, I'd seriously give him notice that he needs to take whatever he 'needs' with him to the beach or wherever he's going. Then, while he's gone, have your heart-to-heart talk with your son. Then, change the locks. You can arrange later for the stuff.

He left the marriage by doing what he did.

MeredithD1

If it's important enough to her to have a relationship with him that is ending his marriage, it should be important enough to her to shack him up until the divorce is final. It takes two to tango. JMO...

and my vote is yes Yes YES on what has been said about the attorney and what to do

Re: sexual anorexia - Get your rubber boots and coat on - it must be raining - I can hear the DUCKS...quacking...

simplyfab

I agree.

I don't know your whole story, and don't know if getting the divorce is a mutual decision or was decided because of the affair or for whatever reason.
What I do know is how you're feeling and what bothers you and how it upsets you. And for those reason's, you should not let him do this to you.
Your husband is sleeping with another woman! Comfortably!

If it were me and I was "sexually anorexic", it wouldn't be excuse enough for me for my SO to go out and have an affair. (And I'm a firm believer in sex playing an important role in a relationship.) There are other major issues like respect, trust and communication that are far more important in a relationship, let alone a marriage. Don't blame yourself for his infidelity because you were sleeping in the other room. He's a grown man, and if it bothered him enough to break his marriage commitment to you, than he should've been bothered enough to communicate his needs to you. Even if the marriage was over in his head, he should've given you, the yrs you two shared and your "home", the respect deserved to move out a long time ago and do with his life what he pleases.

I understand wanting to shield your son from as much pain and discomfort as possible, but you also have to shield yourself from it as well.
This divorce is happening, your son is gonna go through whatever feelings he will, regardless. There's no point in you suffuring anymore than you have to. You need to stand up to him for yourself. You have every right to feel the feelings you are, but...people will do to you only what you allow them to do. This is your life and you're home. You shouldn't be uncomfortable in your own home.
You say he's not a jerk, but I don't know anybody who would do this to their STB Ex under any circumstances other than to be a jerk.
I'm assuming if he's ok with having an affair and come home to his still married wife and the home you two shared together for 18 yrs, then he's not caring too much about your feelings. Therefore, a long talk about how this bothers you and how easier dealing with this would be for you if he left ASAP, is out of the question?

I'm sorry if I'm being too harsh, but to me it sounds as if he's parading his affair and you're sitting there watching as if you have no choice. I've been in your shoes before and its horrible.
And NO, I wouldn't be making him food or washing his clothes or whatever wifey things I used to.
I guess you're a bigger person than I am. Because if this happened to me now, he'd come home to the locks changed, and a note on the door saying where he can find his stuff.
I'm glad you have a lawyer to help you with the legal situations, but I think you need some emotional empowerment and prove to yourself that you deserve better. He decided to leave his marriage and is w/ someone else, that doesn't mean he gets to decide how your marriage will end and what you should put up with.

I hope I didnt overstep here..
I wish you all the best. You and your son.

dollydo

Sorry for all the stress you are experiencing.

It is not your fault, he is an alcoholic, I wouldn't want to sleep in the same room as him either.

As for the wifely duties, I would do what I absolutely have to do, if you make dinner for you and your son, fine, if there is enough to go around he can eat. That's it, that's all I would do.

As for him moving out, I would turn it over to the attorney, the marriage is done, it is now a legal matter, let the attorney do what they do best, represent you.

I like the idea of a little trip, you and your son, get the attorney out of the way, and, if you can, hit the road.

Try and stay calm, getting yourself all upset is not going to change a thing.

Hugs,