Advice and tough love encouraged here!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I told my then AH:
"I need the use of the house so that the children/pets all have their normal routine.
I need you to find another place to stay. Temporarily.
I need time and space."
I gave him 2 days to find something.
I kept the focus on my needs, the childrens needs and the care of the critters.
I had left for 3 days when I told him that we needed to make other arrangements (us in the house temporarily, him out of the house)
I had also talked with my attorney as to my rights (in our state) concerning the marital home.
"I need the use of the house so that the children/pets all have their normal routine.
I need you to find another place to stay. Temporarily.
I need time and space."
I gave him 2 days to find something.
I kept the focus on my needs, the childrens needs and the care of the critters.
I had left for 3 days when I told him that we needed to make other arrangements (us in the house temporarily, him out of the house)
I had also talked with my attorney as to my rights (in our state) concerning the marital home.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by simplyfab 
You say he's not a jerk, but I don't know anybody who would do this to their STB Ex under any circumstances other than to be a jerk.
When I said he's not a jerk, I was being sarcastic. I guess it didn't come across. He calls me emotionally anorexic and or some such term and sends me links to read about it. He's clearly a jerk.
The fact is, he's always been a drinker. In the past 2 years, it had gotten out of control. 2010 was the worst ever and by then end of the year until now I moved into the guestroom. In response, he tried to do controlled drinking and see a therapist, all the while I knew he was sneaking his drinking for 4 months and not telling his therapist. To the tune of a 12-pack a night, at least, during the week and definitely more on the weekend. He always said, "I'll never quit drinking." He'd say, "If you expect me to stop drinking, it's over." I hoped we could somehow function in this dysfunctional arrangement. It was like being divorced but at least we didn't have to deal with visitation.
He threw his ring at me (yet again) in April or May and I kept it this time. He started drinking whenever he wanted in front of us. Many times when he was drunk, he'd proposition me. Lovely, right? Actually, he would even knock on my bedroom door - and that would scare the crap out of me. Talk about being scared in your own home - not cool. He always came home from business trips tanked. This adds to the argument that he wasn't doing controlled drinking. As soon as he left on trips - he drank like a fish.
Late May and all of June he has spent his weekends at the beach leaving early, coming home late. Sneaking to the beach when he said he had to work the weekend, etc. He'd come home wasted. Memorial Day weekend was a real bad one. I finally sat him down and said, "You're not acting like you want to stay married." We talked more and said we'd try to hold it together. He wanted to be in the home until ds graduated. We agreed that things were probably over after graduation - but I said that was a long way off - we should just take it as it comes. In his head, he heard that it was over, or that's his story now. NO MATTER WHAT - I never agreed to affairs.
Since the start of 2011, my position has been made clear to him that I will not sleep with an active alcoholic. I am sticking to that now and forever. I told him he couldn't just stop drinking, he needed REHAB. He said no.
So here we are. I'm really done talking to him about any of this. He's an alcoholic, sleeping with another woman. This marriage is over. Now I have to get him out and somehow keep things together enough for my son to continue a relationship with him. They have a pretty good relationship - my son loves him, and certainly misses his Dad since his Dad is on business or at the beach a lot lately. My son knows that there's a chance Dad is seeing someone on the side.
Luckily my son and I leave for a week's vacation later in the week. These few days before the trip are troubling me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
your son will know soon. and he should see his mom insisting on being treated respectfully. it would probably be confusing to him, to see his dad coming and going. not a behavior that you want your son to learn.
Stand up, be strong, and insist on being treated as you would treat someone else. I would tell my son asap, and then put the stuff outside.
his affair may fall through upon him needing to move out, tho. dont be surprised if the other woman does not want him living with her. then you might have to deal with an A begging for forgiveness (ha) and begging to give the marriage a try, that he loves you only, and quack, quack, quack. it happens.
you deserve much more. and peace of mind is a beautiful thing!
Stand up, be strong, and insist on being treated as you would treat someone else. I would tell my son asap, and then put the stuff outside.
his affair may fall through upon him needing to move out, tho. dont be surprised if the other woman does not want him living with her. then you might have to deal with an A begging for forgiveness (ha) and begging to give the marriage a try, that he loves you only, and quack, quack, quack. it happens.
you deserve much more. and peace of mind is a beautiful thing!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
Originally Posted by simplyfab
You say he's not a jerk, but I don't know anybody who would do this to their STB Ex under any circumstances other than to be a jerk.
When I said he's not a jerk, I was being sarcastic. I guess it didn't come across. He calls me emotionally anorexic and or some such term and sends me links to read about it. He's clearly a jerk.
The fact is, he's always been a drinker. In the past 2 years, it had gotten out of control. 2010 was the worst ever and by then end of the year until now I moved into the guestroom. In response, he tried to do controlled drinking and see a therapist, all the while I knew he was sneaking his drinking for 4 months and not telling his therapist. To the tune of a 12-pack a night, at least, during the week and definitely more on the weekend. He always said, "I'll never quit drinking." He'd say, "If you expect me to stop drinking, it's over." I hoped we could somehow function in this dysfunctional arrangement. It was like being divorced but at least we didn't have to deal with visitation.
He threw his ring at me (yet again) in April or May and I kept it this time. He started drinking whenever he wanted in front of us. Many times when he was drunk, he'd proposition me. Lovely, right? Actually, he would even knock on my bedroom door - and that would scare the crap out of me. Talk about being scared in your own home - not cool. He always came home from business trips tanked. This adds to the argument that he wasn't doing controlled drinking. As soon as he left on trips - he drank like a fish.
Late May and all of June he has spent his weekends at the beach leaving early, coming home late. Sneaking to the beach when he said he had to work the weekend, etc. He'd come home wasted. Memorial Day weekend was a real bad one. I finally sat him down and said, "You're not acting like you want to stay married." We talked more and said we'd try to hold it together. He wanted to be in the home until ds graduated. We agreed that things were probably over after graduation - but I said that was a long way off - we should just take it as it comes. In his head, he heard that it was over, or that's his story now. NO MATTER WHAT - I never agreed to affairs.
Since the start of 2011, my position has been made clear to him that I will not sleep with an active alcoholic. I am sticking to that now and forever. I told him he couldn't just stop drinking, he needed REHAB. He said no.
So here we are. I'm really done talking to him about any of this. He's an alcoholic, sleeping with another woman. This marriage is over. Now I have to get him out and somehow keep things together enough for my son to continue a relationship with him. They have a pretty good relationship - my son loves him, and certainly misses his Dad since his Dad is on business or at the beach a lot lately. My son knows that there's a chance Dad is seeing someone on the side.
Luckily my son and I leave for a week's vacation later in the week. These few days before the trip are troubling me.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Pelican
I told my then AH:
"I need the use of the house so that the children/pets all have their normal routine.
I need you to find another place to stay. Temporarily.
I need time and space."
I gave him 2 days to find something.
I kept the focus on my needs, the childrens needs and the care of the critters.
I had left for 3 days when I told him that we needed to make other arrangements (us in the house temporarily, him out of the house)
I had also talked with my attorney as to my rights (in our state) concerning the marital home.
"I need the use of the house so that the children/pets all have their normal routine.
I need you to find another place to stay. Temporarily.
I need time and space."
I gave him 2 days to find something.
I kept the focus on my needs, the childrens needs and the care of the critters.
I had left for 3 days when I told him that we needed to make other arrangements (us in the house temporarily, him out of the house)
I had also talked with my attorney as to my rights (in our state) concerning the marital home.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i think he is taking advantage of blindsiding you with his affair news...don't worry he will be just as much of a crap partner to her.
If he says he is moving "soon", tell him you need a date in writing..what do you think is going to happen while you are on vacation? can you deal with him bringing his GF to your home?
tell him he needs to get out and get to an attorney, what is doing is cruel and almost bullying...i would take his dirty clothes and just toss them in a garbage bag, back to his room or the garage...
i am so sorry he is a jerk and a selfish a$$hole.
If he says he is moving "soon", tell him you need a date in writing..what do you think is going to happen while you are on vacation? can you deal with him bringing his GF to your home?
tell him he needs to get out and get to an attorney, what is doing is cruel and almost bullying...i would take his dirty clothes and just toss them in a garbage bag, back to his room or the garage...
i am so sorry he is a jerk and a selfish a$$hole.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
I just posted today in the other thread that my A admitted to having an affair (and still is) and he'll be moving out in a couple weeks - we will be getting a divorce.
The very next day after telling me about the affair, he went on a business trip. He'll come home late Saturday and likely "go to the beach" again on Sunday.
Without a doubt, this is where he hooks up with his girlfriend. Trust me on that - it's not even debatable.
How am I supposed to react to this?! Again, I'm trying to be extremely calm and keep things under control for our teenage son. In reality, I am going to be seething inside to know he's leaving to go have sex with her (that's not debatable either).
What I really want to do (BUT WON'T, I PROMISE) is to throw his stuff on the lawn, empty his beers...but I think that reaction would please him, hurt my son and make me look like a fool.
What I also want to do is tell him to keep it in his pants and stay home this weekend but I know that would just give him the opportunity to say something nasty and head out anyway.
What I think I can tolerate doing is minimum conversation, and keeping to myself when he's in the family room - I'll just go somewhere else. I'll take any advice - we've been married for 18 years and having him come home after having sex with another lady makes me sick to my stomach. It's going to be very hard to share the house with this man until he finally leaves.
I certainly don't want to do his laundry or run any errands for him. Do I at least get to enjoy that little bit of passive aggressiveness??
I'll take tough love, caring advice, a kick to the head. This is unchartered territory for me.
The very next day after telling me about the affair, he went on a business trip. He'll come home late Saturday and likely "go to the beach" again on Sunday.
Without a doubt, this is where he hooks up with his girlfriend. Trust me on that - it's not even debatable.
How am I supposed to react to this?! Again, I'm trying to be extremely calm and keep things under control for our teenage son. In reality, I am going to be seething inside to know he's leaving to go have sex with her (that's not debatable either).
What I really want to do (BUT WON'T, I PROMISE) is to throw his stuff on the lawn, empty his beers...but I think that reaction would please him, hurt my son and make me look like a fool.
What I also want to do is tell him to keep it in his pants and stay home this weekend but I know that would just give him the opportunity to say something nasty and head out anyway.
What I think I can tolerate doing is minimum conversation, and keeping to myself when he's in the family room - I'll just go somewhere else. I'll take any advice - we've been married for 18 years and having him come home after having sex with another lady makes me sick to my stomach. It's going to be very hard to share the house with this man until he finally leaves.
I certainly don't want to do his laundry or run any errands for him. Do I at least get to enjoy that little bit of passive aggressiveness??
I'll take tough love, caring advice, a kick to the head. This is unchartered territory for me.
Could you stay somewhere else for a night?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Based on what you have described, at 15 I would imagine your son already has a good idea of what is going on. My girls are 17 and 14 and they knew. Kids are very observant. And what you are doing is modeling some unhealthy behavior right now...show your son what respect means. Demand it from your husband - demand he get the hell out of your house. He has crapped all over your boundaries.
I have to ask - why are you not PISSED AS HELL right now? Just reading this makes me angry. You don't have to throw his stuff on the lawn and set it on fire or anything psycho like that, but insisting he leave right now and find a hotel is not unreasonable in this circumstance.
I have to ask - why are you not PISSED AS HELL right now? Just reading this makes me angry. You don't have to throw his stuff on the lawn and set it on fire or anything psycho like that, but insisting he leave right now and find a hotel is not unreasonable in this circumstance.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
We've been living in reeeeeeaally separate bedrooms for months. I did just have my annual and am clean! (that's where I would've found out if I had it, right? - or is it a blood test?)
Hep C can be caught from shared razors,
food utensils, finger nail clippers ... lots of non-sexual places.
I'm not an expert, hon, far from it -
but I know that it's rampant up here
and in most recovery communities.
Hepatitis C Information − AllAboutHepC.com
Like I say - I'm not an expert.
Maybe call the doc and ask if their annual screening
included it?
Not trying to scare you - not at all
but if a third person has bee introduced into
the equation, it's time to think pro-active here, too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
whereisthisgoin-
I have not been here long and I agree with much of what has been written before. It was my exAH's affair that finally got me into Al-anon etc and looking at that portion of my recovery. I think you are already so far ahead with your own though that does not make your situation any easier.
In my experience A and affairs go hand in hand. Much of the Al-anon reading helped me to understand this (the books written with individual's stories listed). In addition the following quote has helped me: "Whatever you did not do does not justify what she/he did." I am not sure where I got that from but it has helped me on more than one occasion.
For me it took awhile for the anger to hit (and have learned if often takes 6-12 months) for many to move through the grief process to hit the anger stage (it was about 8 mths for me). I was in shock for a long time.
I explained the situation to my MD and asked for a full panel check of everything I needed to be concerned with (blood and otherwise). It also felt like it allowed me to be safe and say to the MD if I needed meds to help myself during this time.
Thinking of you.
I have not been here long and I agree with much of what has been written before. It was my exAH's affair that finally got me into Al-anon etc and looking at that portion of my recovery. I think you are already so far ahead with your own though that does not make your situation any easier.
In my experience A and affairs go hand in hand. Much of the Al-anon reading helped me to understand this (the books written with individual's stories listed). In addition the following quote has helped me: "Whatever you did not do does not justify what she/he did." I am not sure where I got that from but it has helped me on more than one occasion.
For me it took awhile for the anger to hit (and have learned if often takes 6-12 months) for many to move through the grief process to hit the anger stage (it was about 8 mths for me). I was in shock for a long time.
I explained the situation to my MD and asked for a full panel check of everything I needed to be concerned with (blood and otherwise). It also felt like it allowed me to be safe and say to the MD if I needed meds to help myself during this time.
Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Be careful about leaving the family home until you have talked to a lawyer.
Today is saturday, you should be interviewing every good divorce attorney/firm in your area on Monday/Tuesday.
Please make copies of all financial and other documents. There was a good thread on this recently (don't know if you started it or not).
Sometimes you just have to tell them to leave. My ex and I agreed to divorce, he delayed getting out of the house. He wanted to cry to me at night and have me hold his hand even though he had initiated the conversation and decided he wanted out.
I literally turned to him one night and said that I just couldn't help him leave me any longer. I found him an apartment, lawyer, etc --- just so I could get him out of the house.
It helped!
Today is saturday, you should be interviewing every good divorce attorney/firm in your area on Monday/Tuesday.
Please make copies of all financial and other documents. There was a good thread on this recently (don't know if you started it or not).
Sometimes you just have to tell them to leave. My ex and I agreed to divorce, he delayed getting out of the house. He wanted to cry to me at night and have me hold his hand even though he had initiated the conversation and decided he wanted out.
I literally turned to him one night and said that I just couldn't help him leave me any longer. I found him an apartment, lawyer, etc --- just so I could get him out of the house.
It helped!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Sorry if this is replicated, I didn't read the other posters.
Can you get child care for Sunday? Have your son go elsewhere, where he is safe?
My experience is that when faced with this type of trauma, even when you think you'll be sane, engaging really turns into a serious situation. It is absolutely potentially an ugly situation.
The person cheating is always defensive, blame shifts or even taunts and laughs at you (my favorite) and even with the best of intentions for keeping it together, you might snap. I would get your kid out of the house, at least for the first day you are with your AH after you've found out. And please go to that website I told you about and post there. They will help you.
Hell, get some child care, call the lawyer, have him served and throw his **** out-while the kids are gone. Oh yeah, remember that other thread where I told you NOT to do that? I forgot to specify, do not throw out his ****, (or try to run him over with the car) while the children are present.
Otherwise, I highly encourage it.
Sorry. I've been down this road and trust me. In a year you'll be asking yourself why you put up with ANY of this!
And here are some more angry faces while I'm at it!
Can you get child care for Sunday? Have your son go elsewhere, where he is safe?
My experience is that when faced with this type of trauma, even when you think you'll be sane, engaging really turns into a serious situation. It is absolutely potentially an ugly situation.
The person cheating is always defensive, blame shifts or even taunts and laughs at you (my favorite) and even with the best of intentions for keeping it together, you might snap. I would get your kid out of the house, at least for the first day you are with your AH after you've found out. And please go to that website I told you about and post there. They will help you.
Hell, get some child care, call the lawyer, have him served and throw his **** out-while the kids are gone. Oh yeah, remember that other thread where I told you NOT to do that? I forgot to specify, do not throw out his ****, (or try to run him over with the car) while the children are present.
Otherwise, I highly encourage it.
Sorry. I've been down this road and trust me. In a year you'll be asking yourself why you put up with ANY of this!
And here are some more angry faces while I'm at it!
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