vujade

I finally got to that healthy little place inside me and said "no, you cannot come here", changed my garage door code and didn't answer the phone when he called back. His parents FINALLY got to that healthy place where they said "you cannot come here", changed their garage door code and called the police to have him removed from their driveway.

Well, C's brother (T) just called me. T is going to save the day and pick him up. I told him exactly what to expect based on C's behavior last night and tonight. T tried to tell me that he believes C has sobered up because he couldn't hear any slurring on the phone. HA! I told him that slurring is only present with the most brutal stage of drunk which is usually accompanied by eventual unconsciousness. The mildest level of drunk is the "I can pass this off if I eat a lot of licorice" level which brings some weird but not outrageous behaviors. But this particular level is the "insanely angry and belligerent pottymouth" drunk...the worst kind. Too drunk to mimic the behaviors of a decent human being but not drunk enough to pass out. He said "Well, I'm going to pick him up and I'll asses it for myself."

OK there, expert. The sad thing is that there is no way C would call his brother for anything unless he had run out of other people to call. T thinks he's doing this completely noble thing in the name of brotherhood but if T only knew how C talks about him. Oy! But I digress...

Anyway - I told T that based on my experience, C is definitely on day 2 of his typical 5 day bender and that if he insists on giving C a place to stay tonight, I advise that he make him leave in the morning and not to let him stay in his home alone. I told him that once C feels he has another couch to lay on, he will make an excuse to leave at 9 am when the liquor stores open (get cigarettes, coffee, etc), buy a pint, end up rotten drunk and won't be able to get him to leave.

He said "He won't drink at my house (AH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Yeah...he has total respect for house rules, why didn't *I* think of that?? Oh yeah, and he won't smoke in your house either, T) and besides, he won't be home alone because N will be there." WHA?????? N is T's girlfriend's TWELVE-YEAR-OLD SON!!!!!! Are you kidding me???

I said "Oh T! That won't stop C from drinking. If you chose to leave him home with N, you do so knowing that he will be home with an alcoholic on a bender. I promise you that."

To which he replied "Well, C and I are going to have a talk tonight." I just stopped there. Pointless.

Why do people always think that THEY are the ones who will crack through that vodka hardened heart/head? I mean, this man has chosen vodka and the street over love and a soft bed. Why in the WORLD would T, who annoys the heck out of his brother, think that he has some insight that no one else has??? Like he's going to have the ONE word that no one else had. That C will look at him and say "Wow...after two stints in rehab, all those AA meetings, numerous heartfelt and sober talks with my girlfriend, and all those counselors...what YOU, my enabling brother, says to me while I'm in the middle of a bender makes total sense. I'll never drink again."

I have to admit. There is a part of me that is just ticked off that he is being saved. Again. I think C should be allowed the right to experience exactly what he's chosen. The longer people save him, the longer it will be before he has the chance (whether or not he takes it) to save himself...which is the ONLY way he will truly be saved from this monster.

I have to finish by saying what so many of you say. This man, when sober, is the most loving, witty, kind, thoughtful and intelligent person I know. He smiles with his whole face. He makes me laugh from the depths of my being. He touches me so gently it makes my heart flutter like a teenage girl. He is so smart and resourceful, he can fix anything (total MacGuyver). He is amazing and I'm just in awe that I get to hang out with him. I love that man to the core of my being. I hate the vodka drinking monster that slays that man. But you know, it is because of this insane love for him that I'm not running to get him. He'll never have the chance to realize the Gift of Desperation if people keep removing him from his path. And you know, because I love me, I am going to give myself the gift of peace for awhile. Please remind me that I said all this when he calls my phone tomorrow and begs to go to my house. OK?

bookwyrm

why don't you turn your phone off tomorrow? Or screen your calls and don't pick up if it's him/his brother? That way you won't need us to remind you!

naive

yes, there is always another enabler ready to save the day.

mine was such a great actor, that he could be so charming with the new enabler. that is, until they were hooked. then he could return to his comfy new place and drink in peace.

i agree with bookwyrm. block those calls and get on with your own life. i understand the curiousity to watch the dominos fall, but if you can, resist that urge and focus on yourself and your new life.

and i totally understand the heart is torn...as half the man you adore and the other half you don't...just remind yourself of the hard times with him when you feel yourself faltering...i found it very helpful to go back to my original posts to remind myself...amazingly, i had forgotten half the bad stuff because his eyes were so blue and sparkly when he was sober...

hang in there!

naive

Jadmack25

This could be an Epiphany for C and his big, know it all brother.
I agree with the other posters here, do and say zilch. Save your breath to cool your porridge.
Turn the phone off and just lay back and enjoy the peace, tranquility and pleasure of doing whatever you please.

Anytime you think of C and/or T, grin to yourself and then tell them to get out of your head.

GettingBy

I'd say a prayer for T... because he's affected by the disease and doesn't even know it. Pray that he gets educated.

I have had so many people offer me "advice" on what I'm doing wrong, and things I should be doing that would get my AH sober. It's hard to listen to it and not get mad and frustrated. I've had so many well-intented (but completely uneducated!) people tell me that I should work with AH to help him control and limit the drinking... and when I say, "No can do! Controlling the drinking is a one-man job!" - they look at me like I'm some heartless wench.

My feeling is... "Go ahead! Hop on the roller coaster! Give a whirl and see what it does to you! And when that all doesn't work - feel free to join me at an Al-anon meeting!"

Fortunately for you... you are well educated on what you are up against and know that it's beyond your control! Kudos to you... and now, like the others said, stop taking the calls from the brother. Let him live out the consequences of HIS decisions! He, like the As, needs to learn it his own way.

wpasierb

My husbands "best friend" (who gets drunk with him) thinks that if he justs "gives him a good punch up the side of the head" that will stop him from drinking so much. Why didn't I ever think to do that?? That guy is just SOOO smart!!!

fineday69

I have to finish by saying what so many of you say. This man, when sober, is the most loving, witty, kind, thoughtful and intelligent person I know. He smiles with his whole face. He makes me laugh from the depths of my being. He touches me so gently it makes my heart flutter like a teenage girl. He is so smart and resourceful, he can fix anything (total MacGuyver). He is amazing and I'm just in awe that I get to hang out with him. I love that man to the core of my being. I hate the vodka drinking monster that slays that man. But you know, it is because of this insane love for him that I'm not running to get him. He'll never have the chance to realize the Gift of Desperation if people keep removing him from his path. And you know, because I love me, I am going to give myself the gift of peace for awhile.
These words were so significant to me. I think I was married to the same man. Hang in there. I hope you find some peace today.

vujade

OK - that just made me laugh myself silly! Where have all these incredibly smart people been. To heck with AA...just a good punch on the side of the head on a regular basis. Oh...if only it were that easy! LOL

vujade

Thanks so much for your responses. As always, it is nice to know I'm not alone.

Last night, I turned off my phone and it was blissful. Today I feel calm and settled. I realize that I didn't tell the wonderful, kind, sober man that he can't come to my house. I'm telling the drunken monster that he can't. I also know that white knuckling through one afternoon of sobriety to get a foot in the door is NOT sobriety.

I honestly have been going through a slow process of acceptance over the past few weeks. We had a terrific day on my birthday this week...spent the evening on his boat at the lake. Laughed and joked and relaxed. At one point, I looked over at him smiling and felt my heart explode and my head immediately interjected with "You know you can't keep him. This (the relationship) is going to end soon." And I didn't feel panic or feel the need to say anything. I just felt this almost...certainty. Like accepting that someone has died.

I truly hope he finds peace. He is a wonderful man and it would be an amazing gift to give himself.

lillamy

Oh Sweet Lord... yes, there's always someone there to save them. *sigh*

I've been doing pretty well at changing the focus from AXH to me, so I actually don't mind when AXH finds a new girlfriend to save him now. It usually buys me anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months of relative peace and decent interactions. Until they realize what's underneath the charming exterior.

Although part of me wants to yell -- as someone here said -- "the next time you find a man who needs saving, CALL THE COAST GUARD!"

queenteree

Yep, there sure is always another enabler. My stbx's brother enabled him last year when he was in jail, thought he was going to be the "savior" and give him a chance, and of course, I was the "mean" one that drove him to drink. Well 2 days out of jail, stbx drinks again ... bro claimed he was "done" with him. Fast foward to this year ... stbx was living at his mother's house w/his mom and his niece. Mother's boundary was absolutely no drinking or coming home drunk. They were going to be the saviors .... he drank daily and was home drunk falling in the driveway, police being called and emergency room visits. His mother takes out a restraining order on him banning him from her house and no contact. Stbx goes to a homeless shelter/rehab for over 3 mos., begs his mother to come home ... of course, she lets him ... just needs to stay sober. He is still not sober, still stepping over her boundary ... and of course his mother and his niece are "allowing" it, cause after all, he is "beyond in love" with me and can't deal with the fact that I have absolutely no contact with him and have moved on with my life and am seeing a wonderful man (and yes all, this was TOLD to me by his niece) but they are going to be there for him, get him thru this and save him cause he needs to "get over" me LOL. It's sad that they are in such denial about his alcoholism and refuse to educate themselves about alcoholism/Alanon/AA. I feel for them, but I step away, and don't have contact with them either. I don't worry that they are enabling him, or if and when he finds more enablers. The way I see it is I'm thankful it's them dealing with him and not me .... Life is good

Ladybug0130

There are so many people to enable the A that it takes a long time to run through them all. My AH is now meeting up with people from high school (and he's 41) through Facebook that he hadn't talked to in 20 years! One of them just recently tried to save him for about a month, trying to talk him into rehabs, picking him up from two rehabs(!) when he didn't want to stay, she finally got fed up from what I heard and no longer wants anything to do with him. I think he is working on visiting another Facebook friend in LA from what his parents say. So, now due to the power of the internet he can even find enablers that he wouldn't have had access to before!

Oh well, I guess I should just be happy that he isn't bugging me, but it stinks that the process of him burning all of his bridges is so painfully long and drawn out!

marie1960

SKW, MY A's brother thinks the same way. On many occasions when Dan was being the over the top drunk that he is, his brother would always come pick him up and take him his mother's house. Don't know, if the brother is clueless, or is trying to be the family hero, or if it is denial. I have repeatedly stated to the brother, that Dan has a disease, his is sick, in need of treatment, everybody stop pretending that there is not an elephant in the room. If only it were so simple as a brother's love, to cure this disease.
What I have noticed from these posts, we could write a medical manual, the names are all different, but the symptoms and actions of the Alcoholic are always the same. Drama, rage, problems with the law, denial, manipulation, loss of job, and family. Stay strong and focused. We are all in the same boat here.

barb dwyer

And maybe 'unfriend' from FB.

The only way to stop their circle
from taking over ours
is to cut off it's capacity to do it.

Completely.

THen we look at what's left...
and rebuild it.
Into what *we* want it to be.

Cyranoak

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde are not sold separately. It doesn't matter what we want. If we take one we get the other too.

Good on you for figuring this out. So many people spend what's left of their lives trying to change this-- and it can't be changed by anybody but the good doctor. And, only if he wants to, is committed to it, and is able.

Sadly most don't want it enough, aren't committed to it, or aren't able.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

kittykitty

"To which he replied "Well, C and I are going to have a talk tonight." I just stopped there. Pointless."

I was so happy to see this part. I'm glad you realized that you can't change his brother, any more than you can change the A. His brother has to go through the tornado known as "C" on his own.

Well done.