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How/Should I approach this?

Old 06-10-2011, 10:00 AM
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How/Should I approach this?

So my husband is a recovering alcoholic. Its been about 6-8 weeks since he had a drink (as far as I know).

This past weekend he had to go to training in Vegas. We briefly talked about how he feels about it and about the temptations and all. He said he'll be fine, reassured me, etc.
After he got back he didn't mention anything about drinking, I honestly can't recall exactly what we talked about. But he did tell me lots of things about his trip.

This morning I was taking care of his travel laundry, and there was a receipt for a "Bacardi" from his hotel.

I've worked hard with my therapist on detaching and getting away from my co-dependence, but its funny how when something actually happens I suddenly can't see/think straight.

My biggest issue is trust. While I do care whether he drinks or not, more than anything I want him to be honest. I wouldn't be angry with him if I had known that he had a drink. What bothers me is that he didn't tell me about it. I don't know if I asked him point blank whether he drank or not. So I can't say that he actually lied to me, but there was definitely lying by omission.

So do I say anything tonight? My knee jerk reaction is to call him and confront him over the phone. But I know better than that. I just don't know if I want to bring it up at all. I don't see my therapist for another 10 days.

He saw his therapist a few days back (after the trip) I wonder if he said anything to him.
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:10 AM
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To be blunt, his recovery is his recovery, not yours.

How would bringing this up with him help your recovery? What I would recommend is an al-anon meeting tonight.

Take what you want and leave the rest.
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:11 AM
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I can sympathize as I've been in your shoes exactly several times. My first thought is, what will it accomplish in confronting him about it? It won't make you feel any better, no matter what he says.

Part of alcoholism is lying to protect it. For the longest time I was SO offended that my husband would lie to me about it, to the point of endangering himself and others. I NEVER knew him to lie before he became an A. His skill at it now gives me chills. But I don't feel so offended at it anymore. It's part of the disease. I see that he will protect alcohol consumption at any cost.... he's not really trying to spite me.

I do let my AH know that I know what he's doing (sometimes I do it the "right" way, and sometimes I do it the codie way, lol). He once told me after a big relapse that I should always let him know I know, no matter how he acts in response, because he needs the reminder he's not fooling the people around him.

Hugs....
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:20 AM
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, baby

Here is the problem, which seems to come up alot, when we find out things we aren't supposed to know. It happens when we look at phone records, receipts, facebook pages, etc. In a way, it's snooping, but sometimes it does purely happen on accident. And you looked at a reciept that you probably didn't need to look at, and saw something you didn't want to see, and you will be struggling with it for a very long time. I bet a part of you wishes you didn't even uncrumple it to see what it was for. Life would be alot easier right now if curiosity hadn't gotten the better of you.

ODAT, pg 131 "What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part."

That's all I got.
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:27 AM
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Self analysis:
- I want to confront him because I want him to know that I know
- I want him to know that he can't hide the truth
- I want him to have a chance to talk about his feelings and about what happened
- I want to control control control

whew I feel better

Followup question:
What is the "right" way to talk to an alcoholic about their disease? I have a friend with cancer and I ask her about how she's doing because I genuinely care about her. I would like to find that kind of a balance with AH.
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, baby

Here is the problem, which seems to come up alot, when we find out things we aren't supposed to know. It happens when we look at phone records, receipts, facebook pages, etc. In a way, it's snooping, but sometimes it does purely happen on accident. And you looked at a reciept that you probably didn't need to look at, and saw something you didn't want to see, and you will be struggling with it for a very long time. I bet a part of you wishes you didn't even uncrumple it to see what it was for. Life would be alot easier right now if curiosity hadn't gotten the better of you.

ODAT, pg 131 "What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part."

That's all I got.
curiosity killed the cat

This really was a genuine mistake, but yes I do wish I didn't see it.
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by photuris View Post
- I want him to have a chance to talk about his feelings and about what happened
Unless he came home with duct tape over his mouth, he's had an opportunity to discuss feelings and what happened. He told you all kinds of other things about the trip, yes?

Ultimately you have to decide what you can/can't live with. Personally I can't live with someone I don't trust.
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:37 AM
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In time, his actions will tell you everything you need to know.

In the meantime, work to keep the focus on YOU.
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:48 AM
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You've already got a good amount of insight into your own feelings.

More will make itself known. If you don't know what to do, then do nothing, until you are sure of what you are willing to do.
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Old 06-10-2011, 11:08 AM
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Photuris, So very sorry to hear your story. Telling lies are just a part of an alcoholics everyday reality. I do still wonder if the lies for themself or others? I am just as much confused about these things as you are. It's only been days since I stopped all contact with my A friend. Perhaps you already suspected your AH was drinking in Vegas, you just needed confirmation. After living with an A. they suck you in, they try to lessen your sense of reasoning and rationale. Somedays I felt so out of control, watching someone destroy their life, left me with a powerless feeling over my own life. Validation is something we all strive for, to be acknowledged for our good acts, that our live has meaning, and purpose. You are holding it together, stay strong, do something nice for yourself today, and remember just breathe................ good luck to you
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Old 06-10-2011, 11:22 AM
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At one point during couples counseling with my AW, she had told me that she was going to call me out any time I tried to control her or how she goes about her recovery. In response: that's fine, but just know that I will always tell you if I know you're lying. For me, lying destroys any chances of building trust with a person.

For my own recovery, it is important to be able to tell her when I believe she's lying. If she doesn't want to have that interaction, she can avoid me, but I'm not going to mislead her into thinking that she is fooling people.
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Old 06-10-2011, 11:37 AM
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Ultimately you have to decide what you can/can't live with. Personally I can't live with someone I don't trust.
Me either. So while all of the above is true -- you can't control, focus on yourself, all of that good stuff -- I'm with Jay in that I would tell the A that I knew. I wouldn't do it as an accusation, I wouldn't do it as an opening to a discussion, I would probably just say, "I found a receipt for a Bacardi in your laundry, and I want you to know that when I believe you are lying to me, it makes me feel like I can't trust you." And walk away.
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Old 06-10-2011, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by jayscott View Post
For my own recovery, it is important to be able to tell her when I believe she's lying. If she doesn't want to have that interaction, she can avoid me, but I'm not going to mislead her into thinking that she is fooling people.
What does this have to do with your recovery?

Your recovery does not depend on her. It doesn't depend on her lying or not lying, it doesn't depend on her drinking or not drinking. It depends on you and only you.

She has to own her own recovery just as you have to own yours.

Are you going to Al-Anon? If not its something you should consider.
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Old 06-10-2011, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
What does this have to do with your recovery?

Your recovery does not depend on her. It doesn't depend on her lying or not lying, it doesn't depend on her drinking or not drinking. It depends on you and only you.

She has to own her own recovery just as you have to own yours.

Are you going to Al-Anon? If not its something you should consider.
This has to do with how I treat all people. If I know that someone is lying to me, I tell them so. I hear what you're saying about how our progress in each of our individual recoveries is not dependent on the other, and did not mean to suggest otherwise. Doesn't mean I have to accept deceit.

[edit: clarification] The reason this is important for my recovery is that I had stopped doing this with my AW. It's about returning to who I am.
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Old 06-10-2011, 11:58 AM
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Alcoholics lie, that is what they do. If he wanted to be truthfull he would have told you that he drank, he chose not to. "A's" think they are so clever, and the rest of us are such dummies, they always get caught, over and over again.

To me, there is nothing to discuss.

I agree, watch his actions, decide what you are going to do if he continues to drink.

Work on your own recovery, he is an adult, let him figure out what he needs and wants to do.

This is your life, what do you want from it? There is no second chance, no dress rehersal, I'd reevalute my situation and go from there.
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Old 06-10-2011, 12:27 PM
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I have found that if I know something, and it is important to me in some way, but I keep the knowing a secret - well it sits there and becomes a boulder in the relationship. I can't un-know it. They can't deal with the boulder sitting between us because it is invisible to them. I am a super secretive person and have all kinds of issue surrounding that so I may be way off base when it comes to a 'normal' person. I admit that.

I agree with everyone that says a confrontation is going to get you nothing but more water under the bridge. It is no surprise at all that he lies about things. Even if he just ordered it and then ultimately walked away without tasting it, it isn't surprising that he would omit that.

What about a non-confrontational approach that focus on what your struggle are.
"Honey, when I was doing laundry I found a Bacardi receipt in your pocket. I felt (scared, sad, panic, mad whatever is true for you). I'm having a hard time moving past that feeling without talking with you about it." Then stop and see what he says. You don't necessarily have to respond to what he says. Just take it in and let it rest until you have your counseling appt.

On the flip side say nothing and wait for more to be revealed. That is almost always a winning plan too.
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