lilmama05

Hello All,

I am married with a 6 month old baby girl. I met my husband when I was 18 years old. I thought it was love right off. We got an apartment together from there we started fighting. Of course I always fought back when he would hit me or pin me down or push me down.. and the fights would end of him convicing me i was the one beating him. He HAS to drink every single day and make up some kind of excuse why is he drinking. He has gone back and forwth using pain pills.. snorting, smoking, and eating them. Using all of our money on them too!!

We had a few good physical fights those this past week with baby in the car. I final had enough. I told him I wanted a divorce. He left to go out that night and didnt come home, that morning I packed up my babygirl and we hit the road to my mothers house ( a few hours away but in the same state)

I know he loves his daughter but should i try for full custody?

Is she gonna be mad at me one day for not letting him see her?

How is this custody battle gonna go If I have no proof his drug use alcholoisum and beatings?

I had to move to my mothers so i lost my job of course



What to do? Oh what to do?


Please help me with any advise you got!!!



*Much Love*

barb dwyer

Welcome to SR, lilmama

I'm glad you've found us.

I"m glad to read that you've taken your child
and moved to a safe place.
That's not always the case
with some posting here
who are experiencing abuse.

Take a breath
and read the stickies at the top of the forum.
Familiarize yourself with the website
others will be along shortly
(this is a hopping forum)
to welcome you
and lend their own experience strength and hope.

It'll give you something to do
and start your education
on what you've just endured
and what will come next.

There are many here
who have been in your shoes.

You're not alone.

Tomorrow all the public offices will be open again
and you can begin making your calls to them.

Food stamps (TANF) would be a priority, I'd think.
Let them advise you.
YOu might also try the Domestic Violence hotline
they'd be aware of programs
nearer to you
that might be able to help
during this transition.

Is it safe where you are?
Would he come there and threaten you all in your parents home?

Something to think about.

Again -
welcome to SR.

I'm sorry for the reason
but I'm glad you're here.

Godismyrock

Protect your daugther, as you have. Keep coming back to Soberrecovery, and keep an open mind to what you are reading, especially from the members with real time in these forums.
Find an Al-Anon meeting, because even with him a few hours away, he will be affecting you for years to come.
Many of us have been in your shoes, and can offer our experience, strength and hope for you.
Give it some time. Worrying about life when your daughter is 18 is too much for anyone to figure out right now. Just figure out the next 1 or 2 days.

lilmama05

Hi Barb,

Thanks for the advise.


He wouldnt try anything now that im not there.

He is acting like he is mr perfect and a great dad


now im the crazy one :S


I am getting a protection order as soon as the court house opens!!!


Thank the lord my mom can fully support my daughter and I until I can get on my feet.




Im so terrifed that the courts are gonna give my daughter to him..

lilmama05

I talked to him today... He totally denied everything and made me feel like I was over reacting.




Any advise?????????

CatsPajamas

Hi Lil and welcome to SR

Here's a link to some good reading here on SR that you might find helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-abused.html

I remember when I decided to leave my husband, the abuse escalated. He was more volatile and unpredictable. And he stepped up the "gaslighting" as well - changing the story and the circumstances so that I started to question if some of it ever happened, It's a very insidious form of psychological manipulation, and when you live with someone like that it's hard to know what to believe as they have the power to alter your reality.

At least mine did.

It's good that you're able to stay with your mom for awhile. Take some time to read around here. You'll see that you're not alone, many of us have been in a similar situation. Every learns at their own pace, everyone gets healthier and stronger day by day when they open themselves up to learning more about recovery and making different choices. I found it helpful to get some counseling, and I found a lot of love and support in face-to-face Al anon meetings.

Hugs and love to you and your baby

Cats

lilmama05

My mom said he was an addict and an alcoholic.
He has been in rehab when he was young.
His dad is just like him.

He can be a good person, but yet so mean.

He has been spending so much money on alcohol and drugs.

He tries to hide it from everyone.

m1k3

Welcome to the forum. My situation is completely different so I have no experiences to share with you other than dealing with an alcoholic spouse. Get safe, read the stickies at the top and visit here often. There is a lot of experience strength and wisdom to be found here. I know that it has made my road to recovery better.

chicory

lilmamao5,

first off, I am so glad that you and your little baby girl are safe. This man is quite sick, and not safe to be with. You will be able to make it,Thank goodness you have supportive family. and you will find good help here too.

almost all of the addicts/alcoholics deny it, and blame the other. almost all of them. they have excuse upon excuse. they try to make the other doubt his or her self. his behaviour will most likely continue, bringing only more danger and heartache. your little girl and you are too precious to stay on a train headed for disaster. and I am sure that you have noticed that nothing you do has made any difference in his actions. it is a fact that no one can make him change, only his own self. he has to realize that he is sick, and he has to want to change. no one can make him feel anything. only circumstances and repercussions might make him wake up.

sometimes (often) we refer to the excuses and blame talk that they do as "quacking". not honest talk, not worth replying to. just hear quack, quack , quack! when he talks that crap.

he will probably try to "quack" his way back into your life. dont let him sway your good instincts.

stick around, and read. you will be shocked and amazed at just how many people are going through the same things, and you will hear about all the useless quacking their addicts/alcoholics do.

remember the three C's-
you did not cause it,
you cannot cure it,
and you cannot control it.

stay safe, lilmama.
hugs
chicory

lilmama05

Today, I went to court and got a protection order filed.
Judge granted me protection. Next week, we go to court to see
if the protection order will last for a couple of months, about 6 months.

Today, I feel, angry at him for picking drugs and alcohol over me and
our baby. For his lying and other woman during the time we were married.
That I just found out today.

I took care of him, and supported him. Ugggg....

I really tried my best.

February

Welcome! It sounds to me like you are still doing your best- you are putting the focus where it needs to be- getting you and baby a safe place and some help. This forum is full of people just like you (I am one of them!) who tried their best- and often harder than they should have. Unfortunately that can't fix a problem you did nothing to create. Take it one day at a time and keep coming back here to talk. You will get through this!

LaPinturaBella

Read the thread on this forum... Excuses Alcoholics Make

It will help you to understand what this addiction really is and how it alters they way they see reality. Also you may want to check out the tread on this forum... Why Does He Do That? It's a discussion on each chapter of the book by the same name by Lundy Bancroft. It explains emotional, physical abuse and it may help you see your situation clearly.

I'm glad you've got your Mom an someplace safe to be. Also glad you got the restraining order. You may also want to talk to someone at the local Domestic Violence office. They can help a lot. You will be OK.

dollydo

You are doing the right things for you and your daughter. Your priority needs to be your daughter, she does not deserve to be raised in a toxic home.

It is wonderful that you have a support system in place, embrace it.

You might not answer his calls or texts for now, no contact can be a great stress reliever.

You'll be fine, keep posting it will help.

Carol Star

Forget what he says. Look at his "actions....." When I really was honest with my situation it really wasn't a "white picket fence." I was with a full blown addict who was not a good parent and was selfish and his morals/values did not match mine. He was not responsible- using illegal drugs, drinking and driving and lying and into porn and on and on.....Look at how it really "is'....not how you wish it was. When I admitted I was powerless and got into Alanon I started healing. Just think about you and your child.

sunshine321

Sounds like you are doing the right thing for you and your baby. When you doubt you're judgement, just ask yourself these questions: Would you're mom who loves you unconditionally and with all her heart (the same way you love your baby) ever do anything to hurt or harm you? Would she lie to you and tell you things that weren't true? Can you trust her? Can you say the same thing about the man who "loves" you? Love isn't supposed to hurt like that. No way, no how.

Peace,
Jen

Ladybug0130

Oh yeah, they do that a lot. They will do anything they can to make you feel like you are the crazy one. You are doing the right thing, you cannot go back to a physically violent spouse under any circumstances. I am going through the same thing, I am divorcing my spouse and fighting for full custody. The fact that he might get unsupervised time with them keeps me up nights, but I am hoping the long documented history of him going to detoxes and leaving rehabs against doctor orders will help me out. I think you just have to take it day by day and try to get the protective order first. If you think too far ahead it will make you feel totally overwhelmed.

lilmama05

Hi Ladybug0130,

I am getting everything ready to file for divorce and I am going to fight for full custody too. I am making myself sick thinking about him getting unsupervised time with her. He wouldnt even take care of her when I was there, I can only image how it would be if I wasnt there.. omg.. I go to court next week to get the protection order permanate. I am going to say he shouldn't be around her or see her until he goes to a rehab. which i know thats not gonna matter, but if i can get this in the protection order when i go to court for full custody they will see that and maybe take it into consideration. I am getting some really great witnesses too! The more I talk about the stuff he has done and said to me the more i see how sick his mind is. I cant believe i stayed in for 2 years. 2 years to long but hey I got the best peice out of him. my beautiful baby girl.

dollydo

Keep moving forward, you are doing just fine.

As for visitation, you can request supervised visitation, so, he will not be alone with your daughter. If it goes the way it usually does with an A, he will do alot of quacking about having the rigth to see his daughter, but, will not follow thru on the visitation, let alone the child support. His first priorty is the booze, so that is where his time and money will go.

Stay strong, it will all work out!

Ladybug0130

Good luck, keep us posted how custody goes and I will do the same!

NYCDoglvr

I think you've taken the first big step, protecting yourself and your child. You must never let anyone physically or emotionally abuse you. It's one step at a time: get to your mom's house and relax a bit. Then see a lawyer, follow his/her advice. God bless.