sandrawg

I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. My exabf is still seeing his pothead loser ex.

This guy I've been interested in has been blowing me off lately and I feel totally rejected.

I feel like I want to just, move away from the city where I live. I want to break something. I want to rip up every love letter my ex ever wrote me and stick it on his car windshield. (Don't worry I won't. Even tho HE'S the one who put a gun in his mouth and threatened suicide when he was drunk, I'm sure *I* would be the one labeled a psycho for that)

I bought 4 tickets to a concert tonight and was expecting to sell 2 of them and haven't yet.

I know that last thing is minor but even little things are getting me down.

I feel defective. I feel broken. I feel like I am always going to be this way. No matter how many meetings I go to, or how many therapist appointments, or if I do yoga or kickboxing or meditation...I'm not sure why i'm posting this. I just have no place else to go or turn to, other than meetings, and I don't have time to go to one today.

Grnmtn1

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, it's so hard when we get in a "funk" and just can't get out. Try mixing it up a bit: go for a walk, journal, take a bath, long shower, crank up the tunes and sing it out, rent a movie. Do you have a book of meditations or thoughts that can turn your spirits around?

Do you have someone to go to the concert with? What/who are you going to see? I'm sure once you get out and get going, you will feel better. This won't last forever and you will feel better, just try not to wallow. It's good you posted, now try to catch yourself spiraling, take a deep breath and move into another "place". Keep posting.

duqld1717

I'm right there with ya. I feel like I'm trapped in a box and can't get out or I'm screaming at the top of my lungs in a crowded room but no one will even look up at me. No one understands the level of anger and hurt unless they have been with an A. Sometimes I just wish he would get struck by lightening so at least I wouldn't have to think about him anymore. He certainly deserves it. It really is miserable and maddening when you finally get away from them because you see them for what they really are not what you hoped they would be. And then they just move on and start the process over again with someone new and you want to rip your hair out. I think the fact that they just don't care is what makes me the most crazy. I cared alot and his attitude was "whatev". I also feel like "will I ever be normal again". I sure hope so because I hate living like this. I am the worst version of myself right now and I hate it. I just want to feel better. So yeah, I get it.

ItsmeAlice

Feels like quicksand doesn't it?
Feels like the more you try to move the worse it gets and the deeper you sink?

Yes, my friend, I know this. I know this feeling well.

The worst part is you're right...

There's no advice to fix it.
There's no pill to make it go away.
There's no sure fire method to get out of it.

Every funk is different and every funk has its day. They are all different, like little snowflakes (so cute the little funks). Each one takes a different approach, I think.

Some need the serenity prayer to muck through them. Others won't accept anything but going back to bed and giving up for the day.

I said all that to say this... I get what you're saying here. I can feel the frustration in your post. I wish I can make it go away, if it helps to hear that. I hope it does.

Hang in there.
Do what you gotta do to get through to tomorrow then try again.

This too shall pass.

Alice

sandrawg

I hate to say it, too. I've had the same thoughts. Getting struck by lightning and all that. And I'm not usu the type to wish anyone ill.

I think it's hard for me to separate out whether my exabf was just a JERK, yknow, born that way, or if his jerkiness comes from alcoholism.

I think about what someone on this forum said, which gives me some comfort...he is sitting there tuning out with alcohol, while the stupid loser ex he's with, is tuning out with alcohol, pot, and him. He's just sinking even lower than I could've imagined. They're both miserable idiots.

Maybe we are just not far enough away from things yet duqid. We need to just roll through whatever feelings we have and live through them and just be careful we don't do anything stupid (like break NC.)

sandrawg

I think I cared TOO much. I felt TOO much. I wanted him to find peace health and happiness, so I let myself get suckered in by his words. I knew I couldn't cure him. But I hoped I could be a partner in his recovery. Support him in it.

I don't think he's ever going to hit bottom. His parents will always bail him out. And at this point I'm starting to despise him so much, I'm not sure I even care. I went through a h*llish experience years ago, where I almost died. And I pulled myself out of it. He has had every advantage you could imagine-wealthy parents who care about him, immense graphic design talent, a good job, a gf who really did love him and would have done anything for him and encouraged him to get healthy.

And he's blowing it. I'm sorry, I know addiction isn't a choice but at some point you gotta look at what you lost. He won't even see me as being someone worthwhile whom he lost. He twists it all into the evil controlling gf. Sorry, hard for me to find sympathy. His best drinking buddy is now sober. The guy my ex kept around to make himself not feel so bad. The guy has been sober almost a YEAR now.

My ex could choose to lean on his friend. Go to AA meetings with his friend. But no, he doesn't. He chooses to keep goign to the bar with his pothead ex.

At some point i'm sure I will let go of this anger, esp when enough time has passed but right now, I don't seem to be able to.

Yes, a trip out of town would be nice but I can't right now. No money and too much work to do. I'm going back east in June to see family-that will be a welcome vacation.

Thanks everyone for your support.

duqld1717

I cared too much as well. So basically according to him, I was suppose to watch him drink himself silly and not care??? I wouldn't be human if I didn't care. I guess if they are drinking and ruining themselves, they don't care enough about their own well being so they are confused as to why we care. I'm convinced they are mentally ill or the alcohol has made them mentally ill. Why else would you risk losing everything over a drink??? It seems so silly but for them its THAT important. For me, if someone told me X (whatever it may be) was ruining our relationship, I would gladly try to fix it because that person would be more important to me than X. God, if choosing a d@mn drink over ME seems like a better choice, that person has to be nucking futs!!

LaPinturaBella

This is a necessary stage of the grieving process...and you are grieving, no doubt about that. Sometimes I think they sabotage everything good that comes their way because deep down inside they absolutely loathe themselves. They don't believe they really deserve anything good, but it's too painful to admit so they make sure they make the good things that come to them (mostly us) go away. Make sense? How truly tragic if this is the case.

Broken as we may feel, we at least do feel, we do love and we do care enough about ourselves to change our circumstances and heal our brokenness. That, to me, is real courage, real strength and real character. So here's to US!

kittykitty

I know it's hard not to take the things he is doing personally, but it's definitely not helping... i'd like to quote someone else from SR here, i wish I had a name to credit, but a great phrase none the less.

He's not doing these things TO YOU
He's just doing them.

The decisions he makes are not a reflection on you. He is a sick man, and there is no rhyme or reason to why he does what he does. it's "just cuz", as a friend of mine says. There is no explanation, it makes no sense to those of us that don't have the disease. it's just cuz.

Try not to spend time in his world, thinking about what he is doing with this other person. If it's not making you feel better, try to stop doing it. Please find something you can do that will take care of you, even something small like buying your favorite ice cream. Anything to put the focus back on you, and remind you that YOU deserve to be taken care of, no matter what.

Sending extra love and hugs your way!

sandrawg

I've thought the same thing many times myself. I've thought, how could someone throw away a valuable relationship..TO DRINK? To kill yourself with alcohol? It's ridiculous! And then on TOP of that...they deny that THIS IS WHY WE BROKE UP.

My exabf TOTALLY denies we broke up because of his drinking. He's rewritten history as, "I didn't want to put the effort in anymore." ??!!!! NO ability to see the facts whatsoever.

It's like they are in a death grip to this substance. It reminds me of scientific movies we used to see in school about rats who were given cocaine, and they would keep pressing the button to get cocaine, even at the expense of food and everything else.

It truly IS insanity and very hard for those of us who've never been addictted to understand. The closest thing I can compare it to, is my addiction to him. I know I'm going thru withdrawals right now. Feeling very uncomfortable and wanting to contact him, but yknow..my intellect takes over and tells me not to, because he's so horrible for me. Why won't theirs do the same?

sandrawg

Yeah, my ex said to me "everything's chernobyl to you."

I said, wait a minute! Putting a gun in your mouth and threatening suicide IS CHERNOBYL. Craziness!

If I HADN'T put my foot down about drinking after he did that, I'd be completely freaking irresponsible. The girl he's with now couldn't give a rat's behind if he drinks, does cocaine, or shoots himself in the head.

I suppose yeah, this is the grieving process, and at some point we'll quit running these thoughts around in our head cuz really..there ARE no answers. There's no way you or I could've ever made these guys SEE how crazy their behavior was.

sandrawg

At least I had a good time at the concert. Even tho I was fighting off thoughts of how my ex is probably at the bar with his ex. Ugh.

TakingCharge999

sandra, duqld,

My heart goes out to you, going through this. Honestly XABF made ALL my other ex's look like freakin ANGELS. But sometimes when the hurt is too much its also helpful for you to be done and move on more quickly.

sandra, while I wanted to just leave town, my dad told me my #1 priority was to put food on my table and I am glad I listened. This city I am is very small, I have common friends with XABF, work with him.. it used to be a nightmare... NOW I AM GOOD.. by the Grace of God!! so believe me if I spent 8 hours around him daily and I was able to dettach anyway, YOU CAN, TOO.... the thing is to stop doing things as reactions to others, but starting to do actions for your benefit... if otherwise, you wouldn't consider moving somewhere else, then perhaps moving is not in YOUR best interest.......

sandra every action has consequences, there was a guy just like you describe, friend of the family I live with... he died recently at age 37, he was a few months sober, one day a drink won again and he did not came back home. This guy seemed HEALTHY in Christmas when I said hi to him. And my therapist was devastated due to the loss, even someone with so much preparation in addiction cried and cried, I hugged her, I realized there's nothing anyone can do, no money, no amount of preparation, the harm is the same.

That IS the thing about alcoholism, that people deny how powerful it is and how destructive it is and it APPEARS as if everything is fine. Then they get consequences of their actions and they are horrible. Its slow suicide. Its nothing else.

To add insult to injury they get another enabler real soon/ but see, its not to harm YOU. The addict HAS to maintain the addiction and it can't survive without enablers. Others are not partners for them, they are tools. Here they say often alcoholics don't have partners, they take hostages. And not being attractive to an addict is a compliment IMHO. Mean YOU are getting healthier. If the other isn't, well, too bad. Perhaps it will take another huge loss or tragedy for them to wake up. Sad they will have to learn with more pain.

I highly suggest you get "Language of letting go" by Melody beatty. Excellent book!

This will pass. I am starting to like my life very much even with the lows. I no longer pay attention to what XABF does or who he is with. I am recovering from codependency. You are, too. This does not happen overnight. Hang in there. Take the next right baby step. HP is taking you to a better place. It took ME to a better place. You are going through the bridge, life here on the other side is WONDERFUL... in a few months your outlook may be very very different........ and as Live says "You are still writing your own story, can you believe in that?"

You are in my thoughts, this is a really difficult stage. Alcoholism is pain and madness.But WE can get our sanity back.

TakingCharge999

You don't know what is going on with them.
They could be at the bar or they could be at the hospital or they could be fighting, or she could be realizing how deep in BS he is, or he could be cheating on her, or she could be trying to sleep, afraid of him to come back drunk, or he could be involved in a car crash.. who knows? whenever your imagination races, remember you just don't know. Its not relevant to you anymore. If you think they are madly in love having a good time doing healthy activities, remember that is a fantasy that has nothing to do with the realities that you have observed and lived so far, remember that that wonderful dream of sharing your heart with someone nice is achievable by YOU in the future, while he is further away from any healthy relationship...

LovetoLaugh

Hey Sandrawg and Duqld1717

Just wanted to check in, seems like the 3 of us are in exactly the same place. I Cannot get out of my own head.

When I found out earlier this week that my sister had cancer he was the one that I wanted to call. He who showed up last year at my 39 year old cousins wake drunk, who once said to me while I was extremely upset about something serious that I ruined "his day" and HE would be alright if I needed a few days to get myself back together. Yeah he's the picture of comfort when you need a hug, huh?

He screamed at me last week when I tried to return something of his and this week he leaves a message all very businesslike that I can take his cell phone off our plan by calling 1-800-Blah-Blah.

Its so absurd, you question your own sanity. I know that I won't get what I need from him yet in my head I still have this illusion that I might. The reason I've stayed with this nutjob is during moments of clarity he acknowledged that this wasn't the life he wanted and how disappointed he was in himself. He has asked me to remain hopeful and not lose faith in him and now, he's done and I'm some stranger!

Somebody just said to me that if its to hard to let go (because thats all I hear and I can't figure out how to do it) that I should just "Get out of his way". Something along the lines of maybe in his head I'm the thing that stands bewtween him and his DOC which is why I'm percieved to be the enemy when in fact my perception is that I'm the only one who gives a crap about him. To each of us "Our Perception is Our Reality".

I just want to shut off my mind, its almost as exhausting as being with him.

So what can we DO to help each other find our way out of BIZARRO WORLD?

sandrawg

Honey, the only thing I know how to do, is keep doing what I'm doing. Go to al-anon as much as I can. Go to therapy. Keep trying to keep on with my life, work, meeting people, etc.

People always say up here, trying to find the comfort, trust, loyalty, etc., that you'd get from a normal relationship from an alcoholic, is like going to the hardware store for bread.

My ex, too, sent me all kinds of loving emails full of grand intentions. There is one he sent on Valentine's Day where he said he needs to lock up the part of him that scares me and is violent and selfish towards me, and throw away the key. Probably, he meant it at the time. But in the context of their inability to change, given the addiction, words mean squat.

I woudl've done anything to be there for him, had he decided to get help. His movements towards help were meaningless tho-they were just meant to placate me.

I know what he's doing right now - spending every weekend and probably some weeknights, drinking. Probably waking up smelling like booze many days out of the week. The last 2 times I saw him he smelled like booze. Now, that's a great way to end a relationship, isn't it?

I'm so sorry about your sister. If it were me, I'd try to not lament that he's not there for you cuz, sounds like he wasn't really there for you when you were together. Instead, it's a blessing that his issues are one less stressor while you deal with your sister's illness. If you have really good friends, it's best you lean on them right now. {hugs}

sandrawg

Thank you honey. Your words are like a lifeline to me-you have so much wisdom. I'm sorry it's borne out of so much pain, just like all of our experiences are full of.

I won't make any rash decisions. I'll wait til I'm thinking more clearly. It just seems that, still being in pain from this relationship makes every other negative thing that happens to me, magnified 20X.

duqld1717

LovetoLaugh and Sandrawg,

I hope you guys are doing ok today? I'm ready for the day to come where I care as little about him as he cares about me. Will that ever be possible?? I hope so. It sucks sometimes being normal and healthy and actually having feelings and not having a scapegoat like alcohol to deal with everything. We have it harder sometimes in the feelings department bc we feel everything good and bad. I keep focusing on all the bad times I had with him and keep reminding myself how miserable I use to be and it helps me focus on why I left. It is extremely hard every day but one step at a time.

How are you today?

sandrawg

I'm checking in here, so that probably gives you a clue as to how I am lol

I have a photo shoot today and gotta get ready for that in a little bit, so that will be a nice distraction. Work is a good distraction, usually.

I guess I would say, be GLAD you don't numb your pain with alcohol or drugs. It only leads to more problems in the end, as you well know...yes we have to feel a lot of pain but ours is the pain of recovering from a bad relationship, whereas the pain they will feel down the road from numbing their emotional pains, will be 100X greater because they're committing slow suicide.

If anything, I know that a lot of my anger towards him comes from fear that someone I once loved so much is dying a slow death, one drink at a time.

Linkmeister

The key word-DENIAL.

Over the course of our relationship, my EX came up with so many reasons for him wanting to break up with me, ranging from me being too loving, not loving, too cheap, to extravagant, too demanding, having a dog, and when he ran out of reasons, started at the top of the list and worked his way down it again.

The funny thing was that alcohol never was a reason we broke up (according to him) - this final time, I got a snarky email from him accusing me of playing 'the alcohol card" , saying that it was "my smoking" that did it, that it turned him off. He called me a quitter as it related to smoking and my return to school. When I asked him about his quitting drinking, he got very defensive - I was supposed to accept that and understand his addiction.

We do get addicted to them, to the relationship and the desire to "fix" them. I felt the same way as well, went through the same withdrawal symptoms-wanting to contact him, to have the last word, to tell "my side" of the story, but now that I have gone total NC, I am sitting back and seeing that if I did that, I would be playing into his hands, to resume the addiction and to be telling them these kinds of things that will be thrown back in my face yet again.

My EX chooses not to embrace recovery and that is his choice. For me, I made the choice not to continue in the chaos and insanity and so far, hard as it has been some days, each day that I am away from it is another step forward.