kmkluvr1

Hi this may not apply to a lot of you here but i was just curious if anyone has found a healthy loving realtionship, after life with an A?

XABF/Childs father, have been split for 3 months exactly today, he doesnt care. We tried to have a family outing for the boy, which went well, no problems but i dont really feel attracted to him in anyway, anymore. Kinda makes me sad, but he is just so immature. Hoping that would change if he got sober, he is in denial so bad. At this point not really ever looking for another relationship, EVER. Last 4, BF's have been A's, crazy right, what is wrong with me? gotta be something, to keep going down the same path with the same type of guys.

TakingCharge999

Therapy kmkluvr...
My BFs could have been members of the Horror Show, the other day I saw some post in Facebook about how normies live relationships and I felt sad about how I have lived nightmares instead of enjoying life with someone worthwhile. We still get new chances though and I am glad you are not attracted anymore!! me neither, now I am nauseated, which hopefully is just a step away from indifference...

Tuffgirl

Not me, but I feel confident that if I sought it out, I would be ok. Right now I am just too burned out on love and relationships to even think about going down that road again - with anyone. Plus, I am still married to my RAH, albeit separated. I wouldn't make good relationship material to anyone in my current state. But someday...I still have hope...

Read LucyA's post...she gives a good picture of normalcy. Was nice to read!

StarCat

Some day I have hope I will find the right person.

In the meantime, I am in no rush.
Single-dom is fairly new to me, and I'm enjoying it for the moment.
Peaches the kitten and I are a big enough family for me right now. <3

Now's the time to make sure my radar is working.

kittykitty

I think these answers will be pretty common in this thread. We've all been so scarred by these alcoholic relationships, they've really messed us up so to speak. I am in no way shape or form interested in any realtionship other than the one with myself and my HP right now.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who move on and find happier times with someone new. Chances are they might not stick around here to share about it though, maybe they do, I don't know. I know how easy it was for me to disappear from SR when I was deep in denial about my ExABF, when I had convinced myself that things were great and I was happy. Stooooopid.

Anyways, here's how I look at it. I was just as dysfunctional as he was in this relationship. I could almost say that I am just as much to blame for the whole thing. And believe me, he is not the first person with issues that I have had in my life! I think when I hit bottom (which was with this last relationship), I finally realized that I am the common denominator here. There is something majorly wrong with my picker. There is something wrong with me, that I am attracted to these types of people. Until I do something about that, I will keep attracting and be attracted to the same types, and I will NEVER have a healthy relationship.
SO i'm working on it. If I can address my issues and become a healthier person myself, I am confident that I will attract a healthy partner in the future. I think we all have the potential to do just that.

TakingCharge999

I was thinking..

Its not about finding love, its about letting love (which is already in our hearts) to shine through -- AND being open to receive it back tenfold (in many ways, one of them romance)

A little bit cliche but I truly believe this now

lillamy

Keep working on yourself. Keep asking yourself what you really want. Keep on learning about alcoholism and how it affects us. Us who live with the As. (((hugs)))

It's absolutely possible. I am in a post-A-marriage relationship with a caring, loving man, and there's absolutely none of the dysfunctional A-marriage drama here. I'm learning how to have a normal relationship, and this man, God bless him, is a wonder of patience with me. So yes. It's possible.

kmkluvr1

thanks for some replies, it is nice to hear/read some view points, and think about it in different ways. You are all right, Kitty i was pretty dysfunctional in my relationship, i had OCD bad when it came to cleaning, i could not relax at all unless everything was picked up and spotless, now that he is gone that has changed completley, i mean i keep everything clean still but, i dont obsess and get stressed out about it. I think it was my way of controlling something, when i couldnt do anything about him, i dont know sounds crazy to me, but its all right there for me to see and feel. Im not looking for anything either, just happy to have my son, that is all i need right now. i like what you said TC999, thats is the kind of thing i never would have thought of that on my own, lol. about letting love shine. i have always been a quiet person, not exactly a social butterfly, so it still just amazes me how this site/board can help so much just by reading posts, i love it, thank you all. hope you have a great day

Cyranoak

Your most important relationship is with yourself and your son. You'll often hear some form of "put on your oxygen mask before you help others" in recovery and I believe it's true.

Take care of yourself or you can't take care of your son. Take care of your son because he can't take care of himself, but teach him, when appropriate, to take care of himself so he doesn't become just another leach in this world.

I say this as somebody who failed to do this with their own child, and is now trying to do so with a 15-year old (uphill battle). I'm reaping what I sowed.

If another man enters your life make damned sure he can and does take care of himself. It's his job, not yours. Take note, also, that unless you are a complete sexist it is also not his job to take care of you in my opinion. You simply face life together and help each other when necessary, appropriate, and healthy.

Take what you want and leave the rest,

Cyranoak