4th step 3r column advice
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
4th step 3r column advice
Hi, finished 4th step first and second columns...
Just asking for advice on third column "affects my"...
Is it just the examples in book, self esteem, personal, (fear), etc.
How do we determine just how these resentments, or people on grudge list "affected us".
Did you spend much time on this 3rd column?
Just asking for advice on third column "affects my"...
Is it just the examples in book, self esteem, personal, (fear), etc.
How do we determine just how these resentments, or people on grudge list "affected us".
Did you spend much time on this 3rd column?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
For a first time through, I have guys stick to those 6-7 things listed in the book, and limit it to just identifying those areas affected.
First: AA girl
2nd: didn't invite me 2 sober hoedown
3rd: self-esteem, sex relations, ambition, pride
First: AA girl
2nd: didn't invite me 2 sober hoedown
3rd: self-esteem, sex relations, ambition, pride
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
I just found this, and think it will be helpful...I realize now the areas it "affects me" according to book.
RESENTMENT INVENTORY
"God please help me see the truth about my resentments”
I’m resentful at: (ref. p.65 example)
The Cause: (ref. p.65 example)
Affects my: Keep Columns 1 & 2 in mind while writing the 3rd Column considerations (ref. p.65-¶3-L3 “we considered it carefully”).
Look at the 3rd Column and consider the opposite of each sentence to let the inventory reveal your fears behind each of the seven areas of self. (ref. p.65 example and p.67-¶3 “Notice the word “fear” is bracketed alongside the difficulties”).
SELF ESTEEM: How I see or feel about myself. “The role I’ve assigned myself” Fear of being...
Start sentences with—"I am... Example: I am the best husband she could have. ( not good enough )
PRIDE: How I think others see me or feel about me. “The role I’ve assigned others”
Start sentences with— “Others should...” or “No one should...” or “Others can...”
AMBITION: What I wanted to happen here. Start sentences with— “I want..."
SECURITY: What I need here to be okay. Start sentences with— “I need...to be okay"
PERSONAL RELATIONS: My deep seated beliefs of how this relationship is supposed to look.
(“Wives trust their husbands” “Mothers respect their sons choices” “Real friends always agree with me”)
SEX RELATIONS: My deep-seated beliefs of how real men and/or real women are supposed to be.
Start sentence with—“A real man...”and/or “A real woman...”
POCKET BOOK: Affects my finances.
(Start with—"No one (can, should, shouldn't)..." or Others (can, should, shouldn't)...")
RESENTMENT INVENTORY
"God please help me see the truth about my resentments”
I’m resentful at: (ref. p.65 example)
The Cause: (ref. p.65 example)
Affects my: Keep Columns 1 & 2 in mind while writing the 3rd Column considerations (ref. p.65-¶3-L3 “we considered it carefully”).
Look at the 3rd Column and consider the opposite of each sentence to let the inventory reveal your fears behind each of the seven areas of self. (ref. p.65 example and p.67-¶3 “Notice the word “fear” is bracketed alongside the difficulties”).
SELF ESTEEM: How I see or feel about myself. “The role I’ve assigned myself” Fear of being...
Start sentences with—"I am... Example: I am the best husband she could have. ( not good enough )
PRIDE: How I think others see me or feel about me. “The role I’ve assigned others”
Start sentences with— “Others should...” or “No one should...” or “Others can...”
AMBITION: What I wanted to happen here. Start sentences with— “I want..."
SECURITY: What I need here to be okay. Start sentences with— “I need...to be okay"
PERSONAL RELATIONS: My deep seated beliefs of how this relationship is supposed to look.
(“Wives trust their husbands” “Mothers respect their sons choices” “Real friends always agree with me”)
SEX RELATIONS: My deep-seated beliefs of how real men and/or real women are supposed to be.
Start sentence with—“A real man...”and/or “A real woman...”
POCKET BOOK: Affects my finances.
(Start with—"No one (can, should, shouldn't)..." or Others (can, should, shouldn't)...")
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Veritas,
Your last post looks like it came from the FOTS worksheets that includes and expanded 3rd column written from a position of high self-esteem.
This is a beautiful way of doing a 3rd column, and is the way I do all of my inventories today. The only drawback is if a newcomer has a list of 200 resentments to get through, they can bogged down in it. Otherwise, it's wonderful.
Your last post looks like it came from the FOTS worksheets that includes and expanded 3rd column written from a position of high self-esteem.
This is a beautiful way of doing a 3rd column, and is the way I do all of my inventories today. The only drawback is if a newcomer has a list of 200 resentments to get through, they can bogged down in it. Otherwise, it's wonderful.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Hi, yes I found it on the jaywalker site. Don't know if you are familiar with that. I just googled 4th step 3rd column and lots of info on doing the 4th step was there.
http://www.thejaywalker.com/images/Step4.pdf
It was helpful in that it listed the 7 areas, since I wasn't in the book!
Learning lesson, get in the book!
Ok, so not so expanded...just keep it simple for each person, linking it with one, or more of the 7 areas...Got it!
Oh, I don't know what FOTS worksheet is...
http://www.thejaywalker.com/images/Step4.pdf
It was helpful in that it listed the 7 areas, since I wasn't in the book!
Learning lesson, get in the book!
Ok, so not so expanded...just keep it simple for each person, linking it with one, or more of the 7 areas...Got it!
Oh, I don't know what FOTS worksheet is...
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
How about "Peace of Mind". After doing dozens of 3rd steps I learned;
"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also."
(12&12 page 90)
"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also."
(12&12 page 90)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Here's a wealth of information from a former member.
* Self Esteem- I am... start the sentence off with I am... the Engineer, etc.
* Security- I need... start the sentence off with I need... power, respect, compensation, etc.
* Ambition- I want... start the sentence off with I want... praise, adulation, prestige, etc.
* Personal Relations- men (how men treat other men or how women treat other women, etc.
* Sex Relations- women (how women treat men or how men treat women
* Security- I need... start the sentence off with I need... power, respect, compensation, etc.
* Ambition- I want... start the sentence off with I want... praise, adulation, prestige, etc.
* Personal Relations- men (how men treat other men or how women treat other women, etc.
* Sex Relations- women (how women treat men or how men treat women
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
for me it all comes down to the 3 basic God given instincts...social,security and sex.everybody has them.
all the other stuff listed is included in these....i like to keep it to these three instincts as it keeps it simpler for me.....
ie your pocket book is your security instinct.
self-esteem is social instinct..
it was invaluable learning about the 3 instincts as when these are misdirected thats where my defects come from.
joe mcq put a good illustration in his book "the steps we took". before i learned about what was included in the instincts off pat i found it very useful to look at this and see where my defect had come from....which instinct was threatened.
so glad your doing this veritas!
all the other stuff listed is included in these....i like to keep it to these three instincts as it keeps it simpler for me.....
ie your pocket book is your security instinct.
self-esteem is social instinct..
it was invaluable learning about the 3 instincts as when these are misdirected thats where my defects come from.
joe mcq put a good illustration in his book "the steps we took". before i learned about what was included in the instincts off pat i found it very useful to look at this and see where my defect had come from....which instinct was threatened.
so glad your doing this veritas!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 398
Good suggestions so far, I don't really have anything to add...On a lighter note, any time anyone, anywhere, asks about how to do the 4th step...I'm immediately brought back to the "I'm resentful at Mr. Brown because..." example given in the BB. I swear, I read that, ananyzed it, etc over and over. It was just so important for me to get it "right" but when it came to the 5th step, "perfection" wasn't as important as I had thought.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Dayton, Kentucky
Posts: 1
This is all good stuff but I still have a question (especially for Pinkcuda)
Being a lesbian, I’m a little confused on the difference between personal relations & sex relations. Please clarify how I can make this work for me. Thanks!
Being a lesbian, I’m a little confused on the difference between personal relations & sex relations. Please clarify how I can make this work for me. Thanks!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,969
This thread was from March of 2011.
Pinkcuda hasn't been on SR since 2012, so you may not get an answer.
Work with a sponsor, which is how I completed my 3rd column....and was informed of the difference between relations.
I wish you well on your sober journey!
Love & hugs,
~SB
Pinkcuda hasn't been on SR since 2012, so you may not get an answer.
Work with a sponsor, which is how I completed my 3rd column....and was informed of the difference between relations.
I wish you well on your sober journey!
Love & hugs,
~SB
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
elle
it lists several categories in the book
On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?
I listed the sex in sex relationships
it lists several categories in the book
On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?
I listed the sex in sex relationships
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Laconia
Posts: 813
Originally Posted by elle41074 
This is all good stuff but I still have a question (especially for Pinkcuda)
Being a lesbian, I’m a little confused on the difference between personal relations & sex relations. Please clarify how I can make this work for me. Thanks!
Being a lesbian, I’m a little confused on the difference between personal relations & sex relations. Please clarify how I can make this work for me. Thanks!
of the Big Book.
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