4th step 3r column advice
 

Hi, finished 4th step first and second columns...

Just asking for advice on third column "affects my"...

Is it just the examples in book, self esteem, personal, (fear), etc.

How do we determine just how these resentments, or people on grudge list "affected us".

Did you spend much time on this 3rd column?

For a first time through, I have guys stick to those 6-7 things listed in the book, and limit it to just identifying those areas affected.

First: AA girl
2nd: didn't invite me 2 sober hoedown
3rd: self-esteem, sex relations, ambition, pride

I just found this, and think it will be helpful...I realize now the areas it "affects me" according to book.


RESENTMENT INVENTORY
"God please help me see the truth about my resentments”

I’m resentful at: (ref. p.65 example)
The Cause: (ref. p.65 example)

Affects my: Keep Columns 1 & 2 in mind while writing the 3rd Column considerations (ref. p.65-¶3-L3 “we considered it carefully”).

Look at the 3rd Column and consider the opposite of each sentence to let the inventory reveal your fears behind each of the seven areas of self. (ref. p.65 example and p.67-¶3 “Notice the word “fear” is bracketed alongside the difficulties”).

SELF ESTEEM: How I see or feel about myself. “The role I’ve assigned myself” Fear of being...
Start sentences with—"I am... Example: I am the best husband she could have. ( not good enough )

PRIDE: How I think others see me or feel about me. “The role I’ve assigned others”
Start sentences with— “Others should...” or “No one should...” or “Others can...”

AMBITION: What I wanted to happen here. Start sentences with— “I want..."

SECURITY: What I need here to be okay. Start sentences with— “I need...to be okay"

PERSONAL RELATIONS: My deep seated beliefs of how this relationship is supposed to look.
(“Wives trust their husbands” “Mothers respect their sons choices” “Real friends always agree with me”)

SEX RELATIONS: My deep-seated beliefs of how real men and/or real women are supposed to be.
Start sentence with—“A real man...”and/or “A real woman...”

POCKET BOOK: Affects my finances.
(Start with—"No one (can, should, shouldn't)..." or Others (can, should, shouldn't)...")

Thank you Keith, I am just figuring out now what those 7 areas are! I am a slow learner! Yikes...will get in the book...was just trying to do this in my own head! Not smart!

Veritas,

Your last post looks like it came from the FOTS worksheets that includes and expanded 3rd column written from a position of high self-esteem.

This is a beautiful way of doing a 3rd column, and is the way I do all of my inventories today. The only drawback is if a newcomer has a list of 200 resentments to get through, they can bogged down in it. Otherwise, it's wonderful.

Hi, yes I found it on the jaywalker site. Don't know if you are familiar with that. I just googled 4th step 3rd column and lots of info on doing the 4th step was there.

http://www.thejaywalker.com/images/Step4.pdf

It was helpful in that it listed the 7 areas, since I wasn't in the book!

Learning lesson, get in the book! :)

Ok, so not so expanded...just keep it simple for each person, linking it with one, or more of the 7 areas...Got it!

Oh, I don't know what FOTS worksheet is...

How about "Peace of Mind". After doing dozens of 3rd steps I learned;

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also."

(12&12 page 90)

self esteem
personal relations
ambitions
pocketbook
sex relations
security

i have also heard people throw pride in there, but my sponsor has me work with the 6 above.

Here's a wealth of information from a former member.

Tick it if you think it might apply. Talk to your sponsor when you do step 5 about it and he or she can probably make it clearer for you. Good on ya!!

for me it all comes down to the 3 basic God given instincts...social,security and sex.everybody has them.
all the other stuff listed is included in these....i like to keep it to these three instincts as it keeps it simpler for me.....
ie your pocket book is your security instinct.
self-esteem is social instinct..
it was invaluable learning about the 3 instincts as when these are misdirected thats where my defects come from.
joe mcq put a good illustration in his book "the steps we took". before i learned about what was included in the instincts off pat i found it very useful to look at this and see where my defect had come from....which instinct was threatened.
so glad your doing this veritas! :)

Yes, Joe and Charlie big book study was talking about that Charmie, the instincts, from 12 and 12...

its been such an eye opener for me...getting to the root of my defects.
i hated school when i was there veritas but i absolutely love the learning on offer from this new way of life.

Thanks Alaina. Perfection maybe not, but thoroughness yes. :)

This is all good stuff but I still have a question (especially for Pinkcuda)
Being a lesbian, I’m a little confused on the difference between personal relations & sex relations. Please clarify how I can make this work for me. Thanks!
:react

This thread was from March of 2011.

Pinkcuda hasn't been on SR since 2012, so you may not get an answer.

Work with a sponsor, which is how I completed my 3rd column....and was informed of the difference between relations.

I wish you well on your sober journey!

Love & hugs,
~SB

elle
it lists several categories in the book

On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?

I listed the sex in sex relationships

Everything you want to know about sex is on Page 69
of the Big Book.:lmao