musicman66

I've posted a number of times here, and I visit quite often just to keep me going....Today is sober day 68 for me. Have not been to AA yet, but am considering going if only to talk to others that know what I am going through (like you all)....I am seeing a therapist twice a month, and that has been incredibly helpful....I realize that some days are going to be harder than others, and that you just have to get through them....but there are times when the damage that I did drinking is just so overwhelming.....

I lost my wife to my drinking. She has moved on with someone else. Honestly, while that is hard, I want her to be happy, and I don't really have a problem with any of that. What I am coming to realize though, is that she is most likely going to decide to move 3 to 4 hours away and take my 2 boys with her so that she can be with that someone else. My boys are 5 and 3 right now.....I can't imagine being away from my boys....they have been a huge motivation for me, and I have come to value our time together....As a child of divorce myself, I know what that distance can do to the relationship between fathers and sons....and while I recognize that my divorce is different from my parent's divorce, I just don't see how that distance can be good on my relationship with my boys....The possibilities do get overwhelming.

Right now, I am not worried that I will start drinking again.....I feel very good about my sobriety, and I do not want to jeopardize it.....But I am having a hard time dealing with these consequences of my drinking.....they are always with me....I suppose they always will be.....These are not pleasant things to carry around with you all the time......Changing my life now is certainly better late than never...but moving forward without my boys makes the past seem like an overwhelming hurdle that there is no way over.....I fell like even though I may make all of these great changes for myself, that I may have been too late - I may have lost them too......and while I understand that I have some control over how this all turns out, it doesn't make it hurt any less....and in the end, maybe that is what can be so overwhelming - the hurt. The pain that I caused myself and my family....the course I laid out for my boys with the mistakes I made drinking.....that hurts.....

I will continue to work to change my future for the better...I know this in turn can only help my boys....but the past hurts.....

Dee74

Welcome back - I'm sorry to hear your news though.

I've never been in your situation so it would be foolish of me to offer advice - but I wish you the best - and I'm glad you're sober and intend to stay that way.

That's the best gift you can offer your boys for the rest of their childhood IMO

D

ReadyAndAble

Hi, musicman. As the divorced parent of a young one, I can only imagine what you're going through. That would be a terrible heartache for me. But it doesn't sound to me like you've lost them at all. If they do move, it would a drastic adjustment for sure—but it wouldn't be the end of anything. It's not the end of your bond with them, and not the end of the benefits your recovery will bring to both you and to them. You sound like a really loving dad. Geography won't change that.

Supercrew

Musicman, you said she might move, nothing is final yet. Don't beat yourself up over something that hasn't even happened yet, or might not happen at all. If the time comes where she does decide to move, maybe you could move as well, maybe not the whole 3-4 hours, but maybe an hour or 2 closer to them to make daily visitation easier.

It sounds like there are still alot of unknowns, and until you know for sure there is no reason to stress out about them. Good luck!

artsoul

My divorce (which happened while I was sober) left my ex living a couple hours away. We still had a good relationship, though and wanted to work things out so that the children had the best chance at a relationship with both parents. I know it's hard to think about, since you've been able to be so involved with them, but 3-4 hours is still within a reasonable traveling distance to get the boys for a weekend or two a month, for example. Or you could travel there (like for weekend games if they play sports in the future). There's always phones, too, and skype......

My daughter went to my ex's every other weekend from the time she was almost 3 and they have a close relationship.

Just wanted to tell you all is not lost. And as they grow older they can come see you, too.

I don't mean to say it's easy or downplay your feelings at all, so I hope you don't take it that way. It is hard. Just wanted to offer a little hope.

I think it's wonderful that you care so much about your boys (and are sober on top of it! yea!)

FrothyJay

I really appreciate your heartfelt post. As a father of 9 year old twins, I can't imagine having them moved far away from me.

Your situation brings into sharp focus a great dilemma: why should I stay sober if the gifts of sobriety are being taken away from me? It's almost impossible to not drink when things are great, so how do you expect me to stay sober when life is throwing such crap at me?

So let me try and look at it a different way: how strong would your sobriety be if it was conditional? If tomorrow your ex-wife agreed to not move in exchange for your sobriety, would it make it easier?

Perhaps, in the short-term. But if you are an alcoholic like I am, without complete, unconditional surrender, you will return to drinking. It baffles us completely when it happens, but it is what we do.

Perhaps you are being given an opportunity to recover for no one other than yourself-- to get to know yourself and ultimately love yourself with depth and purpose. It will be a painful process, but maybe what comes out the other side is a human being of unique spirit and awareness? Someone recovered from a seemingly helpless state?

Is that possible if you're doing it for your boys? Maybe, but I don't know.

Do it for yourself, unconditionally. You have no idea what role you will be playing in the lives of such young children down the road. Your disease wants you to resent current circumstances so as to completely sabotage a future you don't know.

Hopefulone01

Although I continue to struggle with my disease, I find myself in exactly the same boat. I was replaced, my 5 year old son now lives 4 hours away. My last stint of sobriety allowed me to re-instill some (a very little) trust into my wife. My making the changes that sobriety can bring I am now allowed to crash with my son when I go to visit every weekend. I take him out to do things or play board games. Although I am again on day 4 I am hopeful that the distance will buffer my mistake and allow me continue to rebuild that trust. She has even mentioned that she would meet me 1/2 way now. Perhaps that option will open for you as well once some healing has occurred. Also video chatting has made a huge difference on the pain I deal with from the separation. I hope/assume the same is happening for my son.

That said, I agree the FrothyJay, the time apart will give you a chance to focus on fixing you. I think one needs to start there if they want to be successful in recovery.

johndelko408

I read your post and it was almost like looking in a mirror. I just went through a divorce. My ex wife left me as a result of my drinking and the things I was doing when I was out there drinking. My parents got divorced when I was 7yo and I know what divorce can do to the kids, they get to be the victims of our own mistakes. I have a 4yo son and a 1yo daughter with my ex and she has custody of them. Though I don't know if she is with someone else sometimes I get the feeling she is. I've been struggling with all of this myself, and its all really hard to deal with. Sometimes I wish I can turn back the clock and not make the mistakes that I did so that my ex and I can still be together. But then I look at the positive of it, had all this not happened I would not be sober today. It led me to hit the bottom I had to hit to realize what I was doing with my life. It led me to open my eyes so that I can make the necessary changes in my life so that I can sober up and vet on the road to becoming a good father to my kids.

In reading your post I can see that you are very sorry for the mistakes that you made and that you value and love your two boys more than anything. I use my kids as my motivation to keep me on this path I need to be on. It's a path to a better life for me and my kids. We can't undue our mistakes nor can we change the past. But the past is just what it is, it is behind us. We can always live a better life today while paving a better road for tomorrow. I like to say my past does not define the man I am today. My past has only led me to become the man I am today. You sound like a man who has his head on strait today. What I'd like to say to you is just keep doing what you're doing. You will get to a point where you will be more comfortable with yourself. I know its tough being away from your little ones and not seeing them. It scares the death out of all of us parents. Especially when we know how much we've neglected our little ones so much, we get scared that we'll grow apart from them. But no matter what your sons will always be your sons and you will always be their father. That my friend is something no one can ever take away from you. Your sons will always love you and will always want you in their lives. I get the same fears that you do, that my kids won't be in my life. But if we stay on this path that we're on, the path to righteousness if you will, there is a better future in store for us. If we stay on this path I can almost guarantee that you will be in theirs as they will be in your life. As a child from divorce I can tell you that a parent can never be replaced. My mother remarried and the man she married could never replace my father. Just keep doing what you're doing and things will get better. I'm still on the road trying to make my better tomorrow and its a lobg road for me. But in the end my kids are worth the pain and work I put into this travel. Try not to dwell to much on the past but rather embrace it to know what you don't want your life to be. And remember, we can't change the past, but we can make a better future. I wish you luck on your journey and I'm confident you can do it. You have the right motivation, your boys.

LDE

I'm 68 days sober from an addiction to opiates. Guilt sneaks in to tear down all of the confidence I've gained with each day of sobriety. When the guilt really eats at me, I remind myself that I have no way to change the beginning of my story, but the end of the my story is totally under my control. If I choose to be the real me and show up for myself and my family then the happy story continues, if I choose the addiction then the ending of my story is not only sad and predictable, but it is also close at hand. Good Luck!

Anna

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It's a really tough situation for you.

The fact that you are working hard on your recovery is the best thing you can do for your boys. Three to four hours away isn't an impossible distance. Hopefully you can visit with them on weekends and have them come and stay with you for weekends and holidays, etc. It isn't what you hoped for, but you can still have a good relationship with your children.

Snarf

mm66, I am a child of divorce, so I know what that can be like. Though I lived with my mother and saw my dad on weekends, I always knew that my dad loved me more than anything in the world. Kids are smart; they know what's going on. Try to be as honest with them as possible about what's happening in their lives, and never miss a moment to tell or show how much you love them.

One of the best things you can do for your children is to stay away from the alcohol. Not only will sobriety ensure that you are on top of your game when you're with your kids, but it also creates an example for them to follow. My father always had beer in the fridge when I was growing up, but I never saw him drunk. I remembered that when it was time for me to give up the booze. He set a good example for me, and though I didn't follow it when I was younger, I now am very thankful for the positive role model he was in my life. And now that I'm nearing 30, there's no one I would rather be like "when I grow up" than my dad. He's the best.

Kjell

Hi MM66-

That's a very well written post. I can tell you've put a lot of thought into your situation and your sobriety.

Like Snarf, I'm also a child of divorce and I always knew my Dad loved me, even though he lived a few towns away. He made up for it and I also agree with Snarf - kids are smart and they'll understand.

I'm an AA'er, so take my advice as one how loves the program, but why not go? You can talk to other Dad's, face-to-face who have been exactly where you are. They can help you with their experience.

Plus, one way that never ever fails when you're having a bad day is to help someone else. It works. Every. Single. Time.

Kjell

musicman66

Thanks for all the replies.....it really does help to hear that others have been through similar situations....there is some great advice here (and some very strong people too).....having a level of support like that from people that I have never met and don't know is incredibly encouraging.....thank you all....

Today is a new day....All of this still hurts - and I expect it to for quite some time.....I especially like the advise of not worrying about a future that hasn't happened yet....I tend to get an idea in my head (usually the worst case scenario) and then I dwell on it...I try to figure out a way to change it right then and there....Even in my sobriety, I don't have much patience for not being able to "fix" things....I used to go for the immediate solution and just get bombed...while that didn't fix anything, it certainly made it seem better at the time.....I know that is no way to go about my life and will only make things worse.....

I also know that dealing with all of this pain is part of the journey too....it can just get overwhelming at times....like last night (and even as I type this)...I am very greatful for having these posts and your responses to help. Thank you all......Now to day 69.......

MemphisBlues

Regardless of what happens, you have two beautiful children who are very young. You have a chance -- maybe just this one -- to get sober for yourself, and for them, before they are sharp little teenagers fully cognizant that dad is an alcoholic or addict or both.

Six years ago, about two years after my divorce, my ex moved with my daughters 957 miles away. I was, of course, still drinking and using, but I fought her, took her to court, got judgments against her, made her enter into a child relocation agreement as favorable to me on visitation as possible, had child support adjusted, etc.

I spent every dime (that wasn't going to booze and drugs and shrinks) on visiting my daughters or flying them to where I lived. I even had to stop staying in hotels and camp near them. The point is, a dad will do anything to stay in touch with their kids.

If they're clean.

Having them that far away -- she moved at a time when they were with me every day after school for two years, spending the night or being picked up after homework, baths, etc -- just made me suck down more beer and pop more pills.

You have something now that I didn't have then -- sobriety. That is what counts, that's what your kids will remember four years from now. Having your kids move a couple hundred of miles from you is the most painful thing in the world to go through. But please, IF it comes to that, don't lose the grasp you have on sobriety. Back then, I would have killed for eight days of sobriety, let alone 68.

It's hard, I feel sorry for you, I'll pray for your circumstances, but please, hold onto sobriety as strongly, firmly and lovingly as you clutch those kids.

I had to face one thing -- my ex divorced me because of my drinking and drugging. She moved for other reasons, but I can't blame her for why she left me. Moving is just a way for her to establish a new life. I had to do serious soul searching to understand why she was doing that, and I didn't support her then, but I do now.

stugotz

First of all you didnt lose your wife, you know where she is. You threw here away. As for your kids, thats unfortunate but just because we stop drinking doesnt mean the world stops throwing curveballs at us. Be the best dad you can, thats all you can do. And remember, there isnt any problem you cant make worse by drinking. Good luck and God bless...

musicman66

Thanks for sharing Memphis.....I am really trying not to dwell on it....Easier said than done, but trying anyway...I am not too worried about jeopardizing my sobriety - I know that is always on the table, but I feel in control of that right now...and thankful for it. Sometimes the emotions of all of it get a bit overwhelming for me, and that is what I am working on...in therapy and through books, etc....I (like many drinkers) have some self esteem issues, neglect, etc. that I am working through....I have just spent so much time drinking away the emotions, that I am still trying to figure out how to deal with them......

I have scheduled a time next Wed. to sit down with my ex and discuss the matter....We have only been officially divorced since last July, but dealing with the divorce and separation for just over a year...she still has a bit of anger towards me....understandably....and I still have some things to deal with myself - not an easy thing to deal with given the circumstances....I can keep anyone interested posted if there is still anyone in this thread next week....for now - wish me luck.

reggiewayne

Musicman, WELCOME! You made it through 68 days without drinking under some very strenuous circumstances. Good for you! I mean that. I think you'll find AA VERY HELPFUL. AA allows us to address the past and deal with it. We address our past and move forward from there. We continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it, but as far as dealing with our past, we do that in the steps and then we move on.

The promises of AA state that, "We will not regret our past, nor wish to shut the door on it". I can honestly say that has come true for me. I am going to post a link for you. Please click on it (spam free - I promise) and go to the Joe and Charlie tapes. Click on step 4 and just listen. Downloads & mp3's from silkworth.net

AA is literally designed to do what you say you need to do. I wish you the best!

MemphisBlues

Music Man

There are several positive things you might be able to do right now, but the most important thing beyond your sobriety is to put the kids first. I hope your ex does that, too. Does she use?

And if you have been separated for a year -- the divorce being finalized in July -- I wonder how much she is thinking of the kids. I don't know the circumstances, but her making a decision to move hundreds of miles away when the children are so young seems she is putting herself before the kids; or maybe she is putting her own sobriety -- and their future sobriety -- before you.

I don't know. But I will be praying about your situation and your sobriety. I, too, don't worry about staying sober, I worry about being sober (if that makes any sense). I'm a babe, struggling, tripping, stumbling into my fifth month of not drinking or popping pills.

And as far as the "threw away'' your wife post, I find that, well, harsh. And I don't understand the point of heaping more guilt on someone in recovery other than the rationale that beating someone when they're down somehow picks them up. Music Man, you know what we don't -- the whole story about your divorce. We have to face the truth of why we are where we are, and I guess some think tough love is the answer. I think only the recovering alcoholic or addict can dig deep and honestly into the their psyche to address the why he or she has landed where they're at. MM, you came her for support in your recovery, and to me, that's what this site is about.

Please let us know how you handled the situation. I hope it's with the love of your children utmost in mind. Your asking for help helps me. Thanks.

musicman66

Well....It's been a couple of months since I started this thread....I am still sober - over 4 months now...Some days a drink would be nice, but I am strong. My life is too important for that....

She is going to move this summer with the boys though....It's been a tough day. We are going to discuss the details later in the week, but it brings that pain that started this thread right back now that it is a reality.....I will get to see my boys 4 or 5 times this week, even though I only have custody for one night....These are the things that I am going to miss after they leave. The practices, the school functions, the quick visit at the end of a long day.... Who knows, I may have to follow them...

I experience a different emotion every 10 minutes. My mind wanders all over the place, but completely preoccupied with the situation. The feeling of being alone is stronger than ever and it hurts. When you have a history of feeling that people are always leaving you, it makes it hard to trust....While I know my boys don't have a say in the matter - they are leaving now too....And while I know that I will do everything that I can to stay as big a part of their lives as possible, that doesn't make any of this hurt any less......

Dee74

Good to see you again musicman

I'm sorry about your family moving - I have no experience to offer but I hope you'll find some peace about this situation.

You'll always find support here

D