New In Need Of Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 5
New In Need Of Help
I hope I am posting in the correct place. I am new here and with a guy who is a s/a, and alcoholic. I am alone on Christmas, stood up by him and really down and am in need to talk to someone who has more experience then I do. I have been with him for 7 months and it is a long story, but if anyone can talk to me, I would be so grateful.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am so sorry. In retrospect, no matter how much convincing my A did and no matter how much I believed or wanted to believe, he let me down and messed up every special day, every Holiday, every birthday, any really special plans I had or we had. The were almost guaranteed to provoke something to go off in him. It hurt anew each and every time.
You deserve so much better than this.
Please make yourself at home here, read around, check out the stickies at the top of the forums. Many people are busy today but within the next few days there will be quite a few here to say hello and share with you and support you.
I hope this is the last Holiday you spend painfully disappointed!
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
You deserve so much better than this.
Please make yourself at home here, read around, check out the stickies at the top of the forums. Many people are busy today but within the next few days there will be quite a few here to say hello and share with you and support you.
I hope this is the last Holiday you spend painfully disappointed!
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome DWebs, and Merry Christmas from us!
There are some pretty darned coo-el folks here... give us a few days to trickle back in from the holidays... stick around to post and read!
I'm sorry you had such a sad day. We do know what it feels like to be abandoned by one who supposedly loves us but loves alcohol more.
CLMI
There are some pretty darned coo-el folks here... give us a few days to trickle back in from the holidays... stick around to post and read!
I'm sorry you had such a sad day. We do know what it feels like to be abandoned by one who supposedly loves us but loves alcohol more.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Welcome Dwebs,
I am sorry you were hurt this holiday. I think Live pretty much said it all - I had the same experience with my exabf at holidays. Disappointment, stress and emotional pain. This year is the first holiday in 5 years without that for me. I wish you peace in your journey, hang around here and you will learn so much from the folks here. You are not alone in your pain and there are many solutions out there for you to try.
Laura
I am sorry you were hurt this holiday. I think Live pretty much said it all - I had the same experience with my exabf at holidays. Disappointment, stress and emotional pain. This year is the first holiday in 5 years without that for me. I wish you peace in your journey, hang around here and you will learn so much from the folks here. You are not alone in your pain and there are many solutions out there for you to try.
Laura
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome Dwebs, and Merry Christmas to you!
I am so glad that you found us, cause this is a wonderful group.
I was feeling so very alone and sad when I found it, and now, my life is so different. I am at peace for the most part, even when things are tough. I am learning how to take care of myself and how to find serenity in the midst of chaos.
big hug to you, and thanks for being here and sharing with us.
chicory
I am so glad that you found us, cause this is a wonderful group.
I was feeling so very alone and sad when I found it, and now, my life is so different. I am at peace for the most part, even when things are tough. I am learning how to take care of myself and how to find serenity in the midst of chaos.
big hug to you, and thanks for being here and sharing with us.
chicory
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Merry Christmas Dwebs! Sorry you are feeling so low. If it is any consolation my guy is somewhere in rehab and I haven't spoken to him in a couple of weeks. Holidays are hard even in the best of circumstances.
But welcome and we are all ears to listen!
bb
But welcome and we are all ears to listen!
bb
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Thanks
Thanks for all the replies. I have been on here a few weeks reading stories just like mine and it breaks my heart, but I know I am not alone, I just don't know what to do. I don't want to write a book here about my story, so I will try to be brief here. Here it goes.
I am 45 and my 33 year old guy lives in my apartments. I lost my job in 2008 so I have been down and out so to say. I started hanging out with this guy for something to do, he lives with his best friend here and I knew they drank beer and smoked pot. I had fun and it gave me something to do, so I drank beer with them, hung out for hours each day and just had fun with them.
I did not think at the time when this started 7 months ago it would be anything, but when you are around someone allot, feelings developed on both sides, so we got together pretty quick. He seemed fun and I thought so he drinks beer and smokes a little pot, did not think anything of it because at the time it did not seem like allot when I was there.
We had some conversations early on that made me think there was more to him then a party guy, afterall he goes to work each day, and seemed to be a decent guy although I have never really been with someone who drinks each day. Things were really good the first few months and with me not working, I spent many days and hours with this guy.
In August one night he told me it was not the right time for a relationship when we had been together since June and said but I love you and you might be my wife one day. I got upset and wrote him a letter, and did not talk to him for 5 days and then when I did , he said he was so sorry he hurt my feelings and that he cares about my feelings so much and he asked me why I love him and I said I never said I do and he said I know you do, I did not answer.
He told me he parties and is this the guy I want that I better be sure and said he was trying to protect me from him and still at the time I thought because he told me he wants to get married and settle down that meant when that time came he would change.I had also been being really patient with him because he told me he got hurt real bad from his last relationship and had his guard up for 4 years and I understand because I closed down and had my guard up for 11 years for my own sad reasons.
So he told me that night and admitted we were in a relationship and told me his heart is with me and we need to take things slow because he thought I was going to fast, and wanted to grow the relationship, so I said o.k. let's see how this goes.
One bad mistake I made from the beginning is I always went to his house, he seemed lazy and not the type to approach women I guess cause he says he is ugly, I don't know but I made it easy by always going to him and that started what continued to be more time with me spent with him and his best friend then him at my place and we talked about that lots, but he still did not do his share of coming over to my place enough, I know takes it for granted that I am bored and will go to him if he does not come here, which happened, and still to this day I went to him more, and told him it is hard to get to know someone with a third party.
I had heard he did speed, but never saw it and in late August I found out he did that as well, and did that, and the pot, and the beer all of them and I started seeing more of him doing all of them, but by this time I was allready in love with the guy and I am sure if my life was normal and I was not down and being with no job for this long, I am sure I would not have stayed with him.
But after this point I noticed the behavior things and him starting to be mean to me. On labor day we had a bbq where I live and I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle and because a few days before he stood me up for a plan we had, I tried to talk to him outside, not loud for anyone to hear, but he got up and had been mad cause the week before he stood me up, I had fallen and sprained my ankle and damaged by knee and it took him a few days to come up when he seen me on cruthces and he came with his friend and when I asked him what happened to our date we planned, he said he passed out, and would not stay to talk to me about it.
So on labor day he went in the house and I followed him inside and with all the neighbors outside and his door open, he started screaming at me at the top of his lungs that I was trying to ruin the day and discuss our personal business outside when all I did was ask him a question, and told me don't make me be the bad guy here, you are making me be the bad guy and kept screaming at me which nobody has ever done to me and his friend came in and assumed because he was yelling at me so loud I did something bad when I did not and made me leave.
Well this is part one. Sorry it is long trying to be as short as I can. I will get to part to later.
I am so depressed, and thank you for reading!!
I am 45 and my 33 year old guy lives in my apartments. I lost my job in 2008 so I have been down and out so to say. I started hanging out with this guy for something to do, he lives with his best friend here and I knew they drank beer and smoked pot. I had fun and it gave me something to do, so I drank beer with them, hung out for hours each day and just had fun with them.
I did not think at the time when this started 7 months ago it would be anything, but when you are around someone allot, feelings developed on both sides, so we got together pretty quick. He seemed fun and I thought so he drinks beer and smokes a little pot, did not think anything of it because at the time it did not seem like allot when I was there.
We had some conversations early on that made me think there was more to him then a party guy, afterall he goes to work each day, and seemed to be a decent guy although I have never really been with someone who drinks each day. Things were really good the first few months and with me not working, I spent many days and hours with this guy.
In August one night he told me it was not the right time for a relationship when we had been together since June and said but I love you and you might be my wife one day. I got upset and wrote him a letter, and did not talk to him for 5 days and then when I did , he said he was so sorry he hurt my feelings and that he cares about my feelings so much and he asked me why I love him and I said I never said I do and he said I know you do, I did not answer.
He told me he parties and is this the guy I want that I better be sure and said he was trying to protect me from him and still at the time I thought because he told me he wants to get married and settle down that meant when that time came he would change.I had also been being really patient with him because he told me he got hurt real bad from his last relationship and had his guard up for 4 years and I understand because I closed down and had my guard up for 11 years for my own sad reasons.
So he told me that night and admitted we were in a relationship and told me his heart is with me and we need to take things slow because he thought I was going to fast, and wanted to grow the relationship, so I said o.k. let's see how this goes.
One bad mistake I made from the beginning is I always went to his house, he seemed lazy and not the type to approach women I guess cause he says he is ugly, I don't know but I made it easy by always going to him and that started what continued to be more time with me spent with him and his best friend then him at my place and we talked about that lots, but he still did not do his share of coming over to my place enough, I know takes it for granted that I am bored and will go to him if he does not come here, which happened, and still to this day I went to him more, and told him it is hard to get to know someone with a third party.
I had heard he did speed, but never saw it and in late August I found out he did that as well, and did that, and the pot, and the beer all of them and I started seeing more of him doing all of them, but by this time I was allready in love with the guy and I am sure if my life was normal and I was not down and being with no job for this long, I am sure I would not have stayed with him.
But after this point I noticed the behavior things and him starting to be mean to me. On labor day we had a bbq where I live and I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle and because a few days before he stood me up for a plan we had, I tried to talk to him outside, not loud for anyone to hear, but he got up and had been mad cause the week before he stood me up, I had fallen and sprained my ankle and damaged by knee and it took him a few days to come up when he seen me on cruthces and he came with his friend and when I asked him what happened to our date we planned, he said he passed out, and would not stay to talk to me about it.
So on labor day he went in the house and I followed him inside and with all the neighbors outside and his door open, he started screaming at me at the top of his lungs that I was trying to ruin the day and discuss our personal business outside when all I did was ask him a question, and told me don't make me be the bad guy here, you are making me be the bad guy and kept screaming at me which nobody has ever done to me and his friend came in and assumed because he was yelling at me so loud I did something bad when I did not and made me leave.
Well this is part one. Sorry it is long trying to be as short as I can. I will get to part to later.
I am so depressed, and thank you for reading!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Welcome Dewbs,
I am sorry to hear yet another person is here going through chaos and upset from an active addict. I am not sure what you are referring to by s/a. Christmas can be one of the worst times with so much alcohol around, alls it can take is one social drink and it can and does lead to days and days of partying. I am sure you have seen some real chaos with your boyfriend during your 7 month relationship, but like in all knew relationships everyone tries to be their best, even addicts can hide their addiction to a point.
If you are knew to all of this, read as much as you can get your hands on and believe what you are reading, these are real life stories not a made up movie. We learn that no matter how hard we try to make them stop or how much we yell and cry when they have not showen up for maybe even days, it is a loosing battle. The ony control we have is over our ownselves and if this is the way we want to live our lives.
Glad you found us!
Rose
I am sorry to hear yet another person is here going through chaos and upset from an active addict. I am not sure what you are referring to by s/a. Christmas can be one of the worst times with so much alcohol around, alls it can take is one social drink and it can and does lead to days and days of partying. I am sure you have seen some real chaos with your boyfriend during your 7 month relationship, but like in all knew relationships everyone tries to be their best, even addicts can hide their addiction to a point.
If you are knew to all of this, read as much as you can get your hands on and believe what you are reading, these are real life stories not a made up movie. We learn that no matter how hard we try to make them stop or how much we yell and cry when they have not showen up for maybe even days, it is a loosing battle. The ony control we have is over our ownselves and if this is the way we want to live our lives.
Glad you found us!
Rose
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Thanks
Thanks Rose and everyone. Sorry I abbreivated s/a for substance abuse. He uses pot, speed, and beer, yes all of them sadly! I kow this is a werid question, but does anyone here ever talk by phone? It would be nice to hear a voice of someone who has been through all of this. Hope that is not out of line for me to ask this. Sorry if it is.
Thanks!!
Thanks!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Dwebs))) - welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what you are going through.
FWIW, I'm a recovering codie (codependent, for most of my life) and an RA (recovering addict). I'm truly convinced I turned to drugs to escape the feelings of despair I felt with my codie-ness, through in a little genetics, and I was off to the races.
IMO, the codieness is harder to get into recovery from. I can abstain..stay away from the drugs and the people who use/sell them. I can't, so easily, stay away from people I love.
I can see me in your post. I had the low self esteem...not from losing a job, but just the way I thought about myself. I looked to a man to "complete" me...make me feel better. I went through THREE XABF's (ex-addict/alcoholic boyfriends), developed my own addiction before I realized how sick I was.
It's not up to a man, or anyone, to complete me. I have to believe that "I'm good enough"..by myself, just as I am. It's taken me a few years, LOTS of time on SR, and not being in a relationship before I've gotten to that point. TBH, I still don't know if I AM at the point where I trust my judgement. I'm 49...spent over 20 years with the first XABF...several years with the other 2. The last one, who I truly loved, lost his life to the addiction we shared...crack.
You're not alone. There are so many people here who know what you're going through. You can't change him, you can't cure him, and you didn't cause his behavior (the 3 c's). It took me developing my OWN addiction to realize this. I pray no one else goes through what I did.
Love can't cure addiction. If it did, there would not be tens of thousands who read this board. When I was active, I didn't care about anything but what I wanted, when I wanted it....drugs. It wasn't until the people who truly loved me said "enough..we're not going to let you drag us down with you" and let me feel my consequences...jail, family ticked off at me, and hurt, the people I thought were "friends" didn't come through. That's when I truly said "okay, I can't do this any more" and I sought recovery...in both addiction and codependency.
I'm glad you've found us. You're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I'm a recovering codie (codependent, for most of my life) and an RA (recovering addict). I'm truly convinced I turned to drugs to escape the feelings of despair I felt with my codie-ness, through in a little genetics, and I was off to the races.
IMO, the codieness is harder to get into recovery from. I can abstain..stay away from the drugs and the people who use/sell them. I can't, so easily, stay away from people I love.
I can see me in your post. I had the low self esteem...not from losing a job, but just the way I thought about myself. I looked to a man to "complete" me...make me feel better. I went through THREE XABF's (ex-addict/alcoholic boyfriends), developed my own addiction before I realized how sick I was.
It's not up to a man, or anyone, to complete me. I have to believe that "I'm good enough"..by myself, just as I am. It's taken me a few years, LOTS of time on SR, and not being in a relationship before I've gotten to that point. TBH, I still don't know if I AM at the point where I trust my judgement. I'm 49...spent over 20 years with the first XABF...several years with the other 2. The last one, who I truly loved, lost his life to the addiction we shared...crack.
You're not alone. There are so many people here who know what you're going through. You can't change him, you can't cure him, and you didn't cause his behavior (the 3 c's). It took me developing my OWN addiction to realize this. I pray no one else goes through what I did.
Love can't cure addiction. If it did, there would not be tens of thousands who read this board. When I was active, I didn't care about anything but what I wanted, when I wanted it....drugs. It wasn't until the people who truly loved me said "enough..we're not going to let you drag us down with you" and let me feel my consequences...jail, family ticked off at me, and hurt, the people I thought were "friends" didn't come through. That's when I truly said "okay, I can't do this any more" and I sought recovery...in both addiction and codependency.
I'm glad you've found us. You're not alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Rockwell nc
Posts: 8
Hey caught post a little late so I will say Hello and reach out as a fellow person of disappointment. The hardest thing I had to learn was it wasn't me and I had no control over what the other person did. I am in a relationship with a person who recently relapsed. I thought I could help but realized that help isn't what they wanted. It is hard to be on the sidelines to everything but you. This is when I joined this site and started at step one to HELP me feel better and move on to bigger things. Remember take care of yourself and the rest will follow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 5
The rest of my story
Once again thank you to everyone who has replied with such love, I appreciate that so much.
Basically after I broke my ankle, it has been a serious of events where this guy has hurt me. I am not sure if he was on better behavior the firts few months we were together, both him and his friend, because they both started showing me different things after I got hurt.
My guy who had been mad at me on that day treated me crappy while my ankle was first broke I guess because he was mad. I could not get aroound and up and down my stairs much, and he did not come up to help me at all really. I would run into him for bbq's and things outside when I did get help to get out and he told me he was so sorry about my injury and knows how bad it is because his mom had the same one, but told with it seemed like pain for him that he was not there for his mom, so he could not help me every day because what would his mom think. How stupid is that, and at the time because his dad and him have issues, he had not seen his mom for months anyway.
He made it about him and not me. His family problems, and him being the guy who his dad laid off from a job, and poor him who was hurt by his last relationship 4 years ago, poor him all of the time. And me being a compassioate person with a big heart which he knew, that is why I had been so patient with him in our relationship in the first place. So he did not really help me at all, or come up here tp spend any time with me alone for a few weeks into my injury and that hurt me allot, never mind the fact that his friend accused me of not having an injury while I had my temp cast on. Mother hen friend also kept telling me if I keep pushing mu guy he will not come back, things they invented in their heads.
So I finally send a tect to my guy late Sept. to talk and it sais some things about me needing to talk to him and move on, so he knew that meant I was going to end it so he came up to talk to me. I told him he hurt me and cut off communication and I did not do anything wrong and he said he felt I was pushing him to get married right away and he backed off because he felt pushed. Which I told him he should have spoke to me about that and I would not marry someone after this short amount of time, again he made it all about him.
That night he stayed with me and was on his best behavior, charming, loving, and te guy who when alone with me is the guy I fell in love with, so I did not break it off. Needless to say even after him not really helping me the first few weeks of my injury or coming up to see me, he got really sick and who did they come get to help him, me, because his friend did not know what to do.
So I went down there even though I was in allot of pain still with my ankle and took care of him who had a heat stroke and I thought would die. I sayed the night and most of the next day up all night taking care of this guy, once again being the loving person I had always been to him even though he had hurt me.
We started seeing each other more again after that and back to normal, but both of their behavior got worse. When at his place which was allot more then mine, I had to keep his friend happy as well who it came out his his personality and the drugs after knowig them both better, his friend would accuse me of things and of me telling people things about what they do whihc I had never done. It made me mad and hurt me cuase I have been over backwords for both of these guys and not done or said anything. But I guess I have learned that is th drugs and being paranoid.
And for me I learned that anytime either one of them were mad, I had 2 choices to make either bite my toung and try to have a good time and not fight, or fight when they got in those ups and downs, and so I kept quite for the most part.
But then more disappointments and hurt started in November with my birthday. The weekend before he was supposd to stay with me, and a friend showed up, so he let me down because that was a friend he had known longer then me. Then on my actual b-day he ran out on me for the same, but a friend who hd drugs, and when I got mad about it, he told me it his world and if I did not like it then so be it and he kew this person longer then me and said he would come over when he got back and never did.
I told him the next day he did not need to talk to me like he did just because he got defensive because I was mad, and he asked me how he should have talked to me and explained it and I told him, but that I had every right to be mad, it was my b-day and he was mean and hurtful to me. He said these things will come up and I said well learn how to talk to me and not like you did and don't get defensive when you are in the wrong and try to tirn it arouind on me like you did.
Then the week before Thanksgiving I got sick and did not go down to see him for 5 days and he did not even come up to see where I was or what happened to me and he knew since I alwys go down there something must have been wrong. So I went the day after and said what the hell, I do not come for 5 days and you do not come to see what happeed I was sick. He said oh I thought you were giving me space and I told him you know after 5 days there is something wrong, and once again I could fight with him ir be quite and have a good time, so I chose to do that even though I was really hurt and he knew that. I knew he was going to see his family on Thanksgiving and he knew I was alone and did not even bother to contct me which he knows hurt me.
The next week he got mad at me for something as well and yelled at me and would not let me talk for a few hours and his friend as well for things I did not do. And told me that he would spend time with me on xmas and a bucnch of crap about him knowing what I want from him and how he is trying to help me with tha, crap basically.
Then things seemed to be good so I offered to finally make dinner for him, which I do not cook, lol But thought I would try anyway and he said he would come to eat dinner with me on that day. I confirmed with him 2 or 3 times that week and on the day I went down to see what time he wanted to eat that day and I could allready tll by his attitude he was going to blow me off. Then I sat there as his he gave his friend the phone to confirm a bbq and I waited for 5 minutes for him to look at me and tell me he was not going to come and he did not.
So I said you are blowing me off and as usualy he got defensive with me and tried to turn it around on me and manipulate things on me by saying I made these plans and he did not make them and more crap and I tried to talk to him calm but as usual he kept saying don't make me be the bad guy here, a load of crap and started marchin around the house beig mean when I was calm and I was the one hurt.
His friend said just enjoy the few hours here before we go and who kows we may not go, so I once again changed my attitude and then he calmed down but once again said this is our friend who we have known a long time and she need help or some crap which was a lie. He left and told me he will not be gone long anyway and that we will not do the dinner, but that he would come over when he got back. I saw him come back and he was outside and I went down there that night and he left me outside to go in for guess what? Drugs of course and I tect him and he never came back out and left me outside.
So I did not go down there for another 5 days and I wpuld see him outside staring at me but his lazy self would not ome up. So him and his friend came up one night when they saw me out to get me and I went down and becasue I had not been there for days they wer both on their best behavoir with me of course and I got sucked in once again.
I took him in his room to talk about things and told him that he has hurt me a few times in a short amount of time and that I almost did not come back and told him when he hurts me I go up ad cry and debate on staying with him and I think about the good things nd so I stay, and told him once again to not get defensivr with me and talk down to me and how that makes me feel and how much it hurts me. We had a nice talk and I told him once again we need to spend more time at my place alone and he once again agreed and said he would do so. He also said he was still going to come with me to my moms on xmas eve and all of that and we talked for hours andf I thought things would be fine.
Then last week I confirmed with him and he said he had to go to a party at his bosses house for an hour but that he would also come with me and looked forward to meeting my mom and all of that. And once again though that week they invented a reason to be mad at me which I once again had to clear up. But the night before he promised me he would call me at 6 and we would leave to my moms house/
I saw him that day outside dressed to go but wondered why at 5 he was still outisde when that was his party, and I text him at 6 to see if he was ready and he text me 15 monutes later that he was leaving to the party and he would call me when he got back and so I ran down and caught him leaving in the car and said are you joking? He said no I told you I had this party and I will come over when I get back and he pulled off.
I know he knew his party time got changed or maybe he knew all along it was later and just wanted to play games with me and wait till the last minute when he left so he did not have to see me mad, and he knew my mom changed her whold cooking time frame for him and to meet him and he knew that.
So I went and saw my family and when I got back I wenrt to get him at his house and he was allready messed up and their friend was there and his friend who he lives with knew he was suppsoed to come up with me and went ahead and told the other person they would go to their house in a little while which was mean.
So I tried to talk to him and once again he got defensive cause he knew I was upset and tried to tell me I am trying to keep him on a time schedule and he cannnot do that and I said no, we had plans and you knew my mom changed the cooking time for you, he tried to turun it around on me once again and I was calm and said we were supposed to soend this time tonight since you are going to see your family tomorrow and I have your gift, lets go up to my place. I was calm because I know there is not talking to him and him being normal when his friend is there and his friend told him he does not need to explain anything to me which was also mean, both of them were mean.
Then I told him I heard your friend and you are leaving and he would not even tell m that cause he knows 2 times one night he is hurting me and he does not want to be the bad guy and he is doing nothing wrong of course. Then he told me if I love him like I say I do, I will not tell my friends who live here what he did and have them be mean to him. Then he told me when an old friend once again someone he has known longer then me calls or wants them he will screw over me and anyone else for that person or persons.
Bottom line is I am sure they were going their to get and do drugs, and when he left he told me he would come see me tomorrow when he got back from his familys and that he would nor forget or not be the kind of peron who would not come and see my on xmas.
On xmas he got home at 5 and called me and said merry xmas a bunch if times and when i aksed him when he was coming up to see me and get his gift he hung up on me. I text and said how could you do this to at xmas and he ignored me and never came up or contacted me and still has not and he knows how hurt I am. Who does something like that?
Never mind the fact that I helped them one day do xmas cards for people her and I did not even get so much as a card from either of them. I have spent countless hours with them and been so nice to him and his friend and this is what I get.
My friends tell me I am to nice and so he walkied all over me and to go down and cuss him out but I know I would not get 2 words out if I had attitude, they would make me leave and there is not talking to him in front of his friend. The guy he is to me in provate also is not te guy he is in front of his friend and the guy I fell for either.
I have never been with an addict and this is all new to me and hurts me so much.
That is basically the story. And still have not hear from him and I am so hurt.
Thanks for reading!
Basically after I broke my ankle, it has been a serious of events where this guy has hurt me. I am not sure if he was on better behavior the firts few months we were together, both him and his friend, because they both started showing me different things after I got hurt.
My guy who had been mad at me on that day treated me crappy while my ankle was first broke I guess because he was mad. I could not get aroound and up and down my stairs much, and he did not come up to help me at all really. I would run into him for bbq's and things outside when I did get help to get out and he told me he was so sorry about my injury and knows how bad it is because his mom had the same one, but told with it seemed like pain for him that he was not there for his mom, so he could not help me every day because what would his mom think. How stupid is that, and at the time because his dad and him have issues, he had not seen his mom for months anyway.
He made it about him and not me. His family problems, and him being the guy who his dad laid off from a job, and poor him who was hurt by his last relationship 4 years ago, poor him all of the time. And me being a compassioate person with a big heart which he knew, that is why I had been so patient with him in our relationship in the first place. So he did not really help me at all, or come up here tp spend any time with me alone for a few weeks into my injury and that hurt me allot, never mind the fact that his friend accused me of not having an injury while I had my temp cast on. Mother hen friend also kept telling me if I keep pushing mu guy he will not come back, things they invented in their heads.
So I finally send a tect to my guy late Sept. to talk and it sais some things about me needing to talk to him and move on, so he knew that meant I was going to end it so he came up to talk to me. I told him he hurt me and cut off communication and I did not do anything wrong and he said he felt I was pushing him to get married right away and he backed off because he felt pushed. Which I told him he should have spoke to me about that and I would not marry someone after this short amount of time, again he made it all about him.
That night he stayed with me and was on his best behavior, charming, loving, and te guy who when alone with me is the guy I fell in love with, so I did not break it off. Needless to say even after him not really helping me the first few weeks of my injury or coming up to see me, he got really sick and who did they come get to help him, me, because his friend did not know what to do.
So I went down there even though I was in allot of pain still with my ankle and took care of him who had a heat stroke and I thought would die. I sayed the night and most of the next day up all night taking care of this guy, once again being the loving person I had always been to him even though he had hurt me.
We started seeing each other more again after that and back to normal, but both of their behavior got worse. When at his place which was allot more then mine, I had to keep his friend happy as well who it came out his his personality and the drugs after knowig them both better, his friend would accuse me of things and of me telling people things about what they do whihc I had never done. It made me mad and hurt me cuase I have been over backwords for both of these guys and not done or said anything. But I guess I have learned that is th drugs and being paranoid.
And for me I learned that anytime either one of them were mad, I had 2 choices to make either bite my toung and try to have a good time and not fight, or fight when they got in those ups and downs, and so I kept quite for the most part.
But then more disappointments and hurt started in November with my birthday. The weekend before he was supposd to stay with me, and a friend showed up, so he let me down because that was a friend he had known longer then me. Then on my actual b-day he ran out on me for the same, but a friend who hd drugs, and when I got mad about it, he told me it his world and if I did not like it then so be it and he kew this person longer then me and said he would come over when he got back and never did.
I told him the next day he did not need to talk to me like he did just because he got defensive because I was mad, and he asked me how he should have talked to me and explained it and I told him, but that I had every right to be mad, it was my b-day and he was mean and hurtful to me. He said these things will come up and I said well learn how to talk to me and not like you did and don't get defensive when you are in the wrong and try to tirn it arouind on me like you did.
Then the week before Thanksgiving I got sick and did not go down to see him for 5 days and he did not even come up to see where I was or what happened to me and he knew since I alwys go down there something must have been wrong. So I went the day after and said what the hell, I do not come for 5 days and you do not come to see what happeed I was sick. He said oh I thought you were giving me space and I told him you know after 5 days there is something wrong, and once again I could fight with him ir be quite and have a good time, so I chose to do that even though I was really hurt and he knew that. I knew he was going to see his family on Thanksgiving and he knew I was alone and did not even bother to contct me which he knows hurt me.
The next week he got mad at me for something as well and yelled at me and would not let me talk for a few hours and his friend as well for things I did not do. And told me that he would spend time with me on xmas and a bucnch of crap about him knowing what I want from him and how he is trying to help me with tha, crap basically.
Then things seemed to be good so I offered to finally make dinner for him, which I do not cook, lol But thought I would try anyway and he said he would come to eat dinner with me on that day. I confirmed with him 2 or 3 times that week and on the day I went down to see what time he wanted to eat that day and I could allready tll by his attitude he was going to blow me off. Then I sat there as his he gave his friend the phone to confirm a bbq and I waited for 5 minutes for him to look at me and tell me he was not going to come and he did not.
So I said you are blowing me off and as usualy he got defensive with me and tried to turn it around on me and manipulate things on me by saying I made these plans and he did not make them and more crap and I tried to talk to him calm but as usual he kept saying don't make me be the bad guy here, a load of crap and started marchin around the house beig mean when I was calm and I was the one hurt.
His friend said just enjoy the few hours here before we go and who kows we may not go, so I once again changed my attitude and then he calmed down but once again said this is our friend who we have known a long time and she need help or some crap which was a lie. He left and told me he will not be gone long anyway and that we will not do the dinner, but that he would come over when he got back. I saw him come back and he was outside and I went down there that night and he left me outside to go in for guess what? Drugs of course and I tect him and he never came back out and left me outside.
So I did not go down there for another 5 days and I wpuld see him outside staring at me but his lazy self would not ome up. So him and his friend came up one night when they saw me out to get me and I went down and becasue I had not been there for days they wer both on their best behavoir with me of course and I got sucked in once again.
I took him in his room to talk about things and told him that he has hurt me a few times in a short amount of time and that I almost did not come back and told him when he hurts me I go up ad cry and debate on staying with him and I think about the good things nd so I stay, and told him once again to not get defensivr with me and talk down to me and how that makes me feel and how much it hurts me. We had a nice talk and I told him once again we need to spend more time at my place alone and he once again agreed and said he would do so. He also said he was still going to come with me to my moms on xmas eve and all of that and we talked for hours andf I thought things would be fine.
Then last week I confirmed with him and he said he had to go to a party at his bosses house for an hour but that he would also come with me and looked forward to meeting my mom and all of that. And once again though that week they invented a reason to be mad at me which I once again had to clear up. But the night before he promised me he would call me at 6 and we would leave to my moms house/
I saw him that day outside dressed to go but wondered why at 5 he was still outisde when that was his party, and I text him at 6 to see if he was ready and he text me 15 monutes later that he was leaving to the party and he would call me when he got back and so I ran down and caught him leaving in the car and said are you joking? He said no I told you I had this party and I will come over when I get back and he pulled off.
I know he knew his party time got changed or maybe he knew all along it was later and just wanted to play games with me and wait till the last minute when he left so he did not have to see me mad, and he knew my mom changed her whold cooking time frame for him and to meet him and he knew that.
So I went and saw my family and when I got back I wenrt to get him at his house and he was allready messed up and their friend was there and his friend who he lives with knew he was suppsoed to come up with me and went ahead and told the other person they would go to their house in a little while which was mean.
So I tried to talk to him and once again he got defensive cause he knew I was upset and tried to tell me I am trying to keep him on a time schedule and he cannnot do that and I said no, we had plans and you knew my mom changed the cooking time for you, he tried to turun it around on me once again and I was calm and said we were supposed to soend this time tonight since you are going to see your family tomorrow and I have your gift, lets go up to my place. I was calm because I know there is not talking to him and him being normal when his friend is there and his friend told him he does not need to explain anything to me which was also mean, both of them were mean.
Then I told him I heard your friend and you are leaving and he would not even tell m that cause he knows 2 times one night he is hurting me and he does not want to be the bad guy and he is doing nothing wrong of course. Then he told me if I love him like I say I do, I will not tell my friends who live here what he did and have them be mean to him. Then he told me when an old friend once again someone he has known longer then me calls or wants them he will screw over me and anyone else for that person or persons.
Bottom line is I am sure they were going their to get and do drugs, and when he left he told me he would come see me tomorrow when he got back from his familys and that he would nor forget or not be the kind of peron who would not come and see my on xmas.
On xmas he got home at 5 and called me and said merry xmas a bunch if times and when i aksed him when he was coming up to see me and get his gift he hung up on me. I text and said how could you do this to at xmas and he ignored me and never came up or contacted me and still has not and he knows how hurt I am. Who does something like that?
Never mind the fact that I helped them one day do xmas cards for people her and I did not even get so much as a card from either of them. I have spent countless hours with them and been so nice to him and his friend and this is what I get.
My friends tell me I am to nice and so he walkied all over me and to go down and cuss him out but I know I would not get 2 words out if I had attitude, they would make me leave and there is not talking to him in front of his friend. The guy he is to me in provate also is not te guy he is in front of his friend and the guy I fell for either.
I have never been with an addict and this is all new to me and hurts me so much.
That is basically the story. And still have not hear from him and I am so hurt.
Thanks for reading!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by dwebs
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[QUOTE
On xmas he got home at 5 and called me and said merry xmas a bunch if times and when i aksed him when he was coming up to see me and get his gift he hung up on me. I text and said how could you do this to at xmas and he ignored me and never came up or contacted me and still has not and he knows how hurt I am. Who does something like that?
When we ignore the red flags, we usually live to regret it. Why waste any more time on this little boy? Take care of you!
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