wildbucky13

There are two times each year that I can count on to be the most difficult for me. My birthday in April, and Thanksgiving, the days before or after it. I used to think that because I expected things to go bad at these times (because they always have in the past), it made it happen again each year. I have tried to be proactive by focusing on the positive, surrounding myself with people I trust and love, doing things that please me for myself. And yet it has not ever stopped the "bad" things from happening.

My perception has changed slightly this year. Yes, the bad things happened, yes they knocked me down. I hurt, I cried, I felt beaten, defeated. This year, I noticed something different though. Yes, these are difficult periods in my life, and why these two particular dates seem to bring such aweful pain, I don't know. However, after each period, after the tears, I seem to become even more than I was before. I have these intense, wonderful, emotional periods of self reflection and discovery. I am more in tune with myself than I was before, and seem to have more of a drive to work harder to help myself learn and grow. During these periods I feel defeated, but afterwards I feel so much stronger, and more confident. I made it through what felt like the end of everything. I survived.

Every year since I've been away from my exah, I have grown. Sometimes a little, sometimes alot. I can look back to where I was, and then reflect on where I am now, and see a dramatic difference. I can remember every ounce of pain I felt during what I can now call growth spurts. And I am learning to be thankful for it.

Even if the latest bought of pain didn't bring me answers, it brought me to a place where I can acknowledge a weakness, accept it, and work towards bettering myself in that area. It has given me focus on the next step I need to take, lit up the next section of road I need to travel, to get to the place I want to be. I am thankful for my growing pains. I am thankful for the ablity to be able share with people who understand. I am thankful for this site, which let me know I was not alone when I thought I was, gave me hope when I had none, and is still here for me so many years later.

"Progress, Not Perfection."

Live

Thank you for such a great post!

I also have difficult and predictable dates. At the time, I feel absolutely nothing redeeming about them however I used to think there was some kind of "glory" in the suffering.
Today I feel like these times are a reflection of my depth of experience and I am glad that I am able to feel my feelings fully without them engulfing me. I can accept it and neither make nor more less of it.
This last year one of those dates passed far more easily for me than it has in over a decade. That was okay too.
I know that how ever it comes I will incorporate it and move on as life never stands still.

MissTara

Thanks April for the post, it was inspiring.....

"Even if the latest bought of pain didn't bring me answers, it brought me to a place where I can acknowledge a weakness, accept it, and work towards bettering myself in that area."

When ever I have pain from the past, which is a lot lately, I am going to acknowledge it as a weakness and accept it as well....I learned something today, thank you.