At the Meetings (again) - Full of Anxiety Again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 14
At the Meetings (again) - Full of Anxiety Again
Hi everyone,
New to the board, and my trying of sobriety. Sorry to lay this one on you but, here goes...
I have been drinking and drugging for over 20 years. Only in the last 5 years, did opiates (the big one) find their way into the "adventure". I had to call it quits. But after numerous NA meetings, I refused to believe the alcohol was a "drug". It was right there in front of me, but I ignore it. Well, after a move across country, the drinking continued, and the opiates found their way back into my life. After another painful kick, I have realized that I am truly a sick person.
I have found a great home group, reached my hand out and picked up a great sponsor. But ahh, the selfishness returned and I continued to chip with opiates... I was living a lie. When I called him on the daily calls, I always said "Oh, I'm fine, everything is great"... little did he know I was nodding in these conversations. So I stopped calling, kept going to the meetings, and kicked the habit I regained (again). But soon, all of anxiety and depression that I have been suffering from since my childhood returned. I found my self binge-drinking (again). But at least I wasnt doing the "big H", so I thought.
This brought me into the first step of the AA program (NA is not big where
I live, and I dont like to separate the two - as in my past experience - IT DOEST WORK!) So now I'm reading the big book, and the stuff jumps out at me, but I felt like I was missing something. Probably a Sponsor? So I sucked in my anxiety, and "self - I'm special" attitute and reached out to another man. I figure since this guy struggled with opiates, he would be great! (Let me add this disclaimer now that I'm scared of people - After things got cranking in highschool - I always drank and drugged alone - even asking a girl out, or going on fitrst dates, I was drunk or high)
My dilemma now: I ditched a great potential sponsor, only to pick one up who is too busy to answer my calls, or even meet me. I dont want to hurt any feelings, and I'm scared to go back (again) to the first one. This whole thing is surreal, as I have never forged any normal relationships, and even caring (or over-thinking in my case) is new water for me.
I continue to slip-up, and I know that the program will work if I allow it. I have a loving wife that has been WAY too patient for her own sake, and I dont want to do it anymore! The fear of people, and myself will not leave me. I try to pray, but I feel like nobody is listening....
Anybody out there have some advise?
Thanks
New to the board, and my trying of sobriety. Sorry to lay this one on you but, here goes...
I have been drinking and drugging for over 20 years. Only in the last 5 years, did opiates (the big one) find their way into the "adventure". I had to call it quits. But after numerous NA meetings, I refused to believe the alcohol was a "drug". It was right there in front of me, but I ignore it. Well, after a move across country, the drinking continued, and the opiates found their way back into my life. After another painful kick, I have realized that I am truly a sick person.
I have found a great home group, reached my hand out and picked up a great sponsor. But ahh, the selfishness returned and I continued to chip with opiates... I was living a lie. When I called him on the daily calls, I always said "Oh, I'm fine, everything is great"... little did he know I was nodding in these conversations. So I stopped calling, kept going to the meetings, and kicked the habit I regained (again). But soon, all of anxiety and depression that I have been suffering from since my childhood returned. I found my self binge-drinking (again). But at least I wasnt doing the "big H", so I thought.
This brought me into the first step of the AA program (NA is not big where
I live, and I dont like to separate the two - as in my past experience - IT DOEST WORK!) So now I'm reading the big book, and the stuff jumps out at me, but I felt like I was missing something. Probably a Sponsor? So I sucked in my anxiety, and "self - I'm special" attitute and reached out to another man. I figure since this guy struggled with opiates, he would be great! (Let me add this disclaimer now that I'm scared of people - After things got cranking in highschool - I always drank and drugged alone - even asking a girl out, or going on fitrst dates, I was drunk or high)
My dilemma now: I ditched a great potential sponsor, only to pick one up who is too busy to answer my calls, or even meet me. I dont want to hurt any feelings, and I'm scared to go back (again) to the first one. This whole thing is surreal, as I have never forged any normal relationships, and even caring (or over-thinking in my case) is new water for me.
I continue to slip-up, and I know that the program will work if I allow it. I have a loving wife that has been WAY too patient for her own sake, and I dont want to do it anymore! The fear of people, and myself will not leave me. I try to pray, but I feel like nobody is listening....
Anybody out there have some advise?
Thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Hi Oncorhynchus
I'm not in AA either, but if you keep slipping up obviously something's not right - if you think it's a sponsor issue I wouldn't let fear stop me from doing something about that.
I hope you find some insight here
Welcome!
D
I'm not in AA either, but if you keep slipping up obviously something's not right - if you think it's a sponsor issue I wouldn't let fear stop me from doing something about that.
I hope you find some insight here
Welcome!
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 21
One of the things that pops out to me about this writing is the statement about how it has been so difficult for you to forge relationships w/out drugs and alcohol. I can empathise. One of the most releasing (and really scary) elements regarding sobriety is the chance to be honest with oneself and others. You seem to realize that it is fear holding you back from reaching out to the old sponsor whom you felt may have been an asset to your sobriety. My suggestion would be to reach out to him again if you feel his support would be better than what you are currently given. Now, I'm new to AA and sobriety. However, I work in the social services field. People who are in positions of support are going to understand what it is to be human and have fall backs on the road to recovery. I would suggest to be honest with your old sponsor. Tell him as much as the situation as you feel comfortable with. He wants to see sobriety happen for you. He was and may certainly still be willing to support you in that. I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings - I know this is a nagging worry that is hard to let go of - but again, people in support situations learn skills to not take things so personal. And the worst thing that could happen is that he would be unavailable to become your sponsor again. That is the worst that could happen. And at this point, he isn't your sponsor right now anyway. Also, by doing this you can prove to yourself that you can be honest with yourself and others and are putting the importance of your sobriety first. You have the strength.
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