At the Meetings (again) - Full of Anxiety Again
Hi everyone,
New to the board, and my trying of sobriety. Sorry to lay this one on you but, here goes...
I have been drinking and drugging for over 20 years. Only in the last 5 years, did opiates (the big one) find their way into the "adventure". I had to call it quits. But after numerous NA meetings, I refused to believe the alcohol was a "drug". It was right there in front of me, but I ignore it. Well, after a move across country, the drinking continued, and the opiates found their way back into my life. After another painful kick, I have realized that I am truly a sick person.
I have found a great home group, reached my hand out and picked up a great sponsor. But ahh, the selfishness returned and I continued to chip with opiates... I was living a lie. When I called him on the daily calls, I always said "Oh, I'm fine, everything is great"... little did he know I was nodding in these conversations. So I stopped calling, kept going to the meetings, and kicked the habit I regained (again). But soon, all of anxiety and depression that I have been suffering from since my childhood returned. I found my self binge-drinking (again). But at least I wasnt doing the "big H", so I thought.
This brought me into the first step of the AA program (NA is not big where
I live, and I dont like to separate the two - as in my past experience - IT DOEST WORK!) So now I'm reading the big book, and the stuff jumps out at me, but I felt like I was missing something. Probably a Sponsor? So I sucked in my anxiety, and "self - I'm special" attitute and reached out to another man. I figure since this guy struggled with opiates, he would be great! (Let me add this disclaimer now that I'm scared of people - After things got cranking in highschool - I always drank and drugged alone - even asking a girl out, or going on fitrst dates, I was drunk or high)
My dilemma now: I ditched a great potential sponsor, only to pick one up who is too busy to answer my calls, or even meet me. I dont want to hurt any feelings, and I'm scared to go back (again) to the first one. This whole thing is surreal, as I have never forged any normal relationships, and even caring (or over-thinking in my case) is new water for me.
I continue to slip-up, and I know that the program will work if I allow it. I have a loving wife that has been WAY too patient for her own sake, and I dont want to do it anymore! The fear of people, and myself will not leave me. I try to pray, but I feel like nobody is listening....
Anybody out there have some advise?
Thanks