PureMich

Hello! I am 25 years old and have been regularly binge drinking for 6 years, always in social situations. I have only recently begun to really address the reason for this: Social anxiety.

As a child, I excelled in school and just about everything else I tried. I was extremely outgoing and had a lot of friends. My zeal for life was off the charts. I truly believe this was my natural self--being active, motivated, social and productive truly made me happy.

So what happened? A really unfortunate chain of events that ulimately led to me being the total opposite of my natural self; and as a result, increasingly miserable:

1. I was molested several times by a good friend when we were both ~8 (no one ever found out about it).
2. Shortly after starting middle school, my molester and everyone else in our group of friends booted me from the group and started bullying me for reasons I still don't know. They made fun of my appearance (although I have always been described as attractive by others), spread false rumors about me and generally terrorized me everyday on the bus, in our neighborhood and at school.
3. In 7th grade, two of my closest family members passed away within a couple months of each other, sending me into a spiral of severe depression. I had no friends, no one to talk to and pretty much shut down emotionally.
4. 4 years after the bullying started and a year after it ended, I still had no friends and my grades were really starting to suffer. I spent most of my time watching TV and would regularly fake sick to avoid going to school. I would even eat lunch in the bathroom at school because I was so afraid of being rejected by others.
5. In 10th grade, I became friends with the wrong crowd. I found that drinking (and sometimes pot) made it so much easier for me to be myself.
6. At age 16, I ran away with my boyfriend because my parents kept grounding me and forbidding me to see him and my friends.
7. My boyfriend became abusive. We ended up getting in serious trouble as well and I had to go to jail for a month when I was 17. Despite his abuse, I couldn't stay away from him--I was afraid of being alone.
8. At age 18, I was sentenced to 6 months in jail for violating probation by living with my boyfriend (codefendant in case). Jail was scary and depressing--but also eye-opening.
9. After being released from jail, I turned my life around--got my diploma, started working full time, went to college.
10. Around this time, I also started binge drinking. This was how I made my friends (it's even how I met my husband). I would only drink with others and only once or twice a week. When I did though, I would often overdo it.
11. After a year of binge drinking, I was frequently blacking out. I also got a DUI (now I never drink and drive) and had to go to the emergency room once because I fell when I was blacked out.
12. Nowadays, I have a degree, decent job and a loving husband. I can have a glass of wine with dinner and say enough is enough. However, if I am in a busy social situation with a lot of people I am not comfortable with (bars, parties), I tend to over drink.

I am really starting to recognize that I have social anxiety. Drinking has always served as a way for me to let go of my inhibitions and make connections with others--connections that my natural self so desperately needs. When going out with friends (once or twice a month), I regularly will drink just because I feel socially awkward and want to be my charming, engaging self again. Although, I will say that I never feel the need to drink when I am with those that I am super comfortable with (my family, husband, one or two close friends).

Motivation and depression are also surfacing now as well. Getting out of bed in the morning is very difficult and my work is suffering. I regularly have nightmares and flashbacks about being bullied by those girls, my ex-boyfriend's abuse and jail. I have tried therapy (she thought I had PTSD) but quickly gave up because I couldn't stay motivated enough to follow her treatment advice.

I feel like I have lost a huge part of my life by avoiding dealing with my issues by drinking or just by vegging out in front of the TV. Although I have a lot to be thankful for, I also think I am very far behind where I should be socially, intellectually and emotionally.

If you made it this far in my novel of a post, thank you! Now, I am wondering: Does it sound like I have alcoholism? Is this forum the right place for me? Or should I be focusing on the cause of my alcohol abuse (social anxiety) instead of the symptom (drinking)? If anyone else can relate to my past, please let me know. I feel very alone and confused right now.

JackNWA

I knew my drinking was causing severe issues with my life. My marriage was on the rocks, I was generally unhappy, financial issues, work difficulty, etc. I had lost the ability to live without alcohol. I really can't speak to your situation, although i would ask you that if you think you have a problem with alcohol, you probably do. It might be worth talking to a counselor or doctor about your worries.

Draciack

One great way to find out is to read stories around here (or go to a meeting) and see if you relate. If there's an instant connection...yeah, probably

But there's a lot going on in your post and sometimes it's tough to see the root cause with everything bouncing off each other. Either way, alcohol and especially binge drinking rarely help anything. You could chill for a bit, take a break, and see how it feels--maybe work on the underlying anxiety issues.

Welcome to SR PureMich

PureMich

Thank you for your reply GodPowered.

I often do overdrink on purpose. I get so anxious and nervous and I know that getting drunk will make those feelings go away.

I didn't mention this in my post but I was mandated to go to AA meetings when I got my DUI. At that time, I was 100% sure I wasn't an alcoholic--just someone who had issues. Now, I'm not sure if that's the case. I'm hoping that engaging with others on here will give me the motivation to seek help and start improving my life.

Dee74

Hi Pure Mich

I closed your other thread and merged any relevant posts into here.

I know I had a lot of underlying reasons for turning to drink...traumas, fears, anxieties...and I self medicated for them with alcohol.

But I also *became* an alcoholic - I have no doubt of that - so my recovery has meant I not only had to work on my social anxiety and various traumas, but on my alcoholism too.

It's not only about getting sober it's about staying that way too

Noone can tell yuo if you are an alcoholic, but it's clear to me you think you have a problem, and from yr post I tend to agree.

Drinking over social anxiety was never very effective in my experience, overdrinking on it was just downright problematic.

AA's a good start for many with alcoholism- there are many other alternative recovery groups too and counselling options, various rehab avenues - there is a sticky post in our Alcoholism forum if you're interested in other options.

As for the other stuff - from your first post it sounds like you have a lot of baggage - if you're not in counselling for that , that may be an option you might like to consider too?

Whatever you choose, I know you'll find a lot of support here too PM
Good to have you with us - welcome!

D

Itchy

Pure,
I agree with the others and welcome you to this great resource. I won't say you are an alcoholic that is only for you to decide. Attend ten AA meetings in ten days and listen carefully, you don't have to speak, or be put on the spot. Then decide if you are or not, or are sliding down that slippery slope towards more problems added to your current burdens.

While you won't shock us here nor get judged because many have done or been through worse or less, we all have been through enough to have hit our own personal bottoms, and say that we have to change and quit.

I would suggest you get into counseling for the other issues and start resolving them regardless of your decision of whether you are an alcoholic or not. I will say that with all those issues, if left unresolved, alcohol as a self medication can be tempting, and dangerous.

Forgive yourself, but never forget yourself.

PureMich

Thank you for replying everyone!

Dee, I definitely agree that drinking to overcome social anxiety is problematic. In the short term, it appears that all is well--I made friends, met my husband, felt confident. However, in the long term, my baggage is really starting to weigh me down. I haven't really improved my social skills or become a better person--drinking made me feel like I did though. I really think it's impossible to learn or grow (in my case, from social situations) if you are under the influence of alcohol.

As suggested, I am going to forgo drinking for as long as possible and see how I feel. I will consider going to counseling again as well.

LaFemme

Welcome and good luck!

I agree with Dee...my underlying issues made drinking very appealing which led to alcoholism. If I don't deal with the underlying issues I am always at risk to drink again.

Counseling with the right person is wonderful...it sounds like maybe you didn't have the right therapist...they are not all the same:-)

least

to the family!

It's not what you drink, or how much, or how often that determines if you're alcoholic or not - it's what happens to you when you drink and if it's causing problems in your life. I hope you can quit for good. I also hope you can find a good counselor to help you thru your issues.

PureMich

Thank you again for your support! Does anyone have any suggestions on how to find a good counselor?

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I also drank to self-medicate and deal with years of anxiety and depression. I began drinking when I felt I didn't know what else to do. Of course, then I quickly became an alcoholic.

I think your plan to stop drinking and to seek counselling is a good one. I think you might also find that your anxiety level actually drops when you stop drinking. Drinking increased my anxiety level and when I stopped drinking I still had anxiety, but it was lessened and I have learned to deal with it.

Isaiah

Hello fellow Michigander.

I read it top to bottom. There is some stuff that I definitely relate to and some that is all your own.

I have gone back and pieced together events that could've lead up to me having a drinking problem: childhood molestation, abusive parent, witnessing a homicide at age seven, etc. But that only gets me so far. The simplest and easiest fact for me to deal with is just that I have a problem dealing with alcohol. I know there are likely reasons for why that is, but I find that keeping it as simple as possible makes me feel better mentally. I just know I'm an alcoholic and can't drink; the past is what it was.

The drinking, the anxiety, the boredom... those are all issues you can get help with around here. You've basically walked into a room full of your own clones, I swear. Welcome to SR. Glad to have more Motor City people around too.

-Isa

least

I'd start with a call to the nearest substance abuse center/agency. A good addiction counselor is helpful in so many ways. Mine is a lifesaver, literally.

julez

Welcome, I'm from Michigan also, and can relate to many things that you've had to deal with in your life. My daughter was also molested at age 8 by a friend. She's 15 now, and we have gone through hell and back with her...,
But anyway, you asked how to find a good therapist.. I would ask people for personal recommendations. If that doesn't work out, I had a therapist suggest to me once that you go through your insurance company, get a list, and do phone interviews. We have gone through a couple that haven't clicked for us. When you find one you like, you'll know it. If you want, you can pm me, and if we are in the same area I can refer you to the woman that my daughter sees. She is absolutely wonderful.
I hope you stay around, and gain wisdom and knowledge from all the wise people here..

Toronto68

Pure, I don't want to minimize the items of your history, but I think that the answer to "am I alcoholic" doesn't necessarily tie into those events themselves. It matters whether they matter to you and whether alcohol "serves" you as an emotion regulator whether you think back to these events or not. Hard for me to explain.

You could have a person who didn't have a lot of unwelcome events and had lots of parental attention and basically a rose gardem and still an alcoholic. You could also have a person with a similar history of experiences who does not have alcoholism. (At least I think so.)

If alcohol allows you to feel like things are being dealt with - if it simulates "going on in life" - then this is where alcoholism exists for me.

I wouldn't want you to see the historical events as "reasons" for being an alcoholic. I guess I see the experiences and the alcoholism (assuming you have it) as two sets of healing.

Maybe this is where one of the familiar alcoholic sayings might be useful: If you didn't feel, you didn't deal. Was or is alcohol a kind of antidote for the harm in the memories?

I can't determine for you what the verdict is on alcoholism. But I can see where alcohol would only add to problems, when you set the question aside.

I haven't read through subsequent posts to learn more, but I wonder if therapy is still not an option for you since the last time you tried?

LaFemme

Finding a good therapist...

See if your work has a Wellness program, if they do they might Fletcher you see someone for preliminary assictance who an recommend you to a permanent therapist.

Ask friends and family

Interview a number of therapists before settling on one...chemistry is important!

PureMich

I really appreciate all of the replies. It feels good to vent and to also know that I'm not alone.

Julez, I am really sorry to hear about your daughter. She is lucky to have someone who cares for her as much as you do. SR is telling me I can't send you a PM. Can you please send me one with the therapist's name?

Toronto, I agree that my past alone doesn't make me an alcoholic. However, it really does contribute significantly to my reasons for drinking and taking part in other activities that numb me (mostly excessive TV watching and reading).

I only feel the need to drink in situations that make me subconsciously flashback to traumatic events in my past. 95% of the time, I will just have one drink and that will be the end of it. It's that other 5% (in uncomfortable social situations) that leaves me wondering if I am an alcoholic--I binge drink and nearly always black out. Is it possible for me to be an alcoholic if the vast majority of the time I can easily stop after just one drink?

I started reading more about AA and I still don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not. I do believe that alcohol is unhealthy for anyone, alcoholic or not, so I am going to stop drinking anyways. I will just have to avoid uncomfortable social situations that trigger me to drink until I gain enough strength to face them without alcohol.

DayTrader

Hi Pure.......another Michigander here.

When you start drinking, do you usually "crave" (want) more? ALL alcoholics experience that. In other words, if you think to yourself "it's just 2 or 3 tonight" can you stick to that?

When you decide to stop....can you stay stopped or do you usually find yourself drinking before you planned to go back to it?

If you experience the physical craving once you stop and, when you stop you can't stay stopped, you're probably an alcoholic.

Luckily for you (and me) there's a program which will practically recovery.....if you're willing to work it - AA - give it a shot.....it'll be the best thing you've ever done.

PureMich

Hi DayTrader,
I usually don't crave or want more--one drink is enough. However, if I feel uncomfortable or self conscious (~5% of the time I drink), I do lose control over my drinking. Embarassingly enough, I go into these situations wanting to get drunk so I can more easily talk to others. And once I get drunk, I have little control over myself. It also doesn't take much for me to blackout these days either.

Isaiah

Pure,

Getting therapy or help for trauma is a huge supplement to overcoming addictions. I've done it myself.

Thing is, for the practical, day-to-day attempts at staying sober understanding the significance of your life's history is more of a hindrance than a help. Resisting the temptation to drink has to be simple, and our past histories are often anything but.