pixilation

Now AH(after a 12 pack in 4 hours) wants another dog(we already have 3) and wants to travel 16 hours(round trip) to pick it up. I'm already completely overwhelmed right now, 3 kids, 3 dogs, 3 cats, and a house, all on my shoulders, why does he keep making it worse?

When I told him I was overwhelmed, he just pushed it back on me "and how do you think you'll be able to manage if you move out with the kids?" Then threw it back on me that I have no support, and just, I haven't cried this hard in months. He's right, i have no support. My family thinks I "left"(in reality, he was drunk and kicked me and the kids out, middle son had on only a pair of shorts at the time) because I cheated on him, they blame me for his drinking too. Nice huh?

Can't get to a meeting tomorrow, something wrong with my van, it won't stay running. heck, i don't know when I'll be able to get to another meeting, not if my van keeps up like this.

JenT1968

I am so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, and that your family aren't supportive.

In the end it doesn't matter what they think, they aren't living your life.

Say no to the dog. If he gets the dog, refuse to have anything to do with looking after it and/or tke it straight to a shelter to be rehomed. Both people in a partnership get equal say in who/what shares their home, and in my opinion, if you both can't agree then no other human or animal gets to come in.

My family are supportive, but aren't any where near, when I left my AH, I found life was much more manageable, I was able to build support networks of my own. You are strong and capable, anyone who would try and persuade you otherwise has some very dodgy, self-serving, agenda of their own.

Just a thought, but how loving is it to try and force more responsibility on someone who is already overwhelmed? could it be he wants you to continue to be overwhelmed? could he be scared about that might happen if you get time to think and take stock?

missphit

stick to your guns and NO DOG! my AH wanted a dog too and brought home cats, knowing that i would never turn them away. we'll it got me very stuck here and he knew it, but, I've rehomed them all and will take two with me as i move away. i've felt trapped all this time because of the animals, but not anymore. I have 2 like a regular person for the first time in many years.....don't accept it and don't listen to him. you can form your own support line. my family are all far away too, but i am moving closer to my kids who are grown. it is important to surround yourself with people that care about you. maybe someone from the meeting would pick you up, if you call them, just a thought. Take good care of yourself, because you deserve it and your kids do too.

pixilation

I did tell him no, he said too bad, he's doing it anyway. He is so wrapped up in himself that he can't think about others in any way, shape or form.

I can't "not" take care of an animal that is in the house, there's no way for that to happen. I already don't clean up the yard of animal waste, but then, no one else will either.

I'm over it, I'm so over it all at this point.

MMkM

Why does he want another dog? Is this a hunting dog or a rescue dog?

I know the pet stuff can be a hot topic (a major animal fanatic here saying this) but you have to put your foot down. No.

Gosh people sometimes some gals and guys that come to this forum are just trying to make sure they keep their family and sanity intact!

That is the priority.

And this decision is easiest - just say no to even getting it instead of getting tied down and deciding what to do with the dog after you own it.

Learn2Live

I would love to have a dog. Or a cat. Or some other pet.
But I KNOW my limitations and I keep myself focused on maintaining my peace and serenity.
I cannot live with a person who does not also have my peace and serenity in mind every day and with every decision they make. I no longer feel hurt or cry over the fact that someone else obviously does not have my peace and serenity foremost in their minds. I just choose not to live with them or have sex with them.
My life is much easier this way.

I hope you soon find peace and serenity. It is better than gold and better than chocolate and yes, even better than sex.

pixilation

A rescue, that he told me last night was going to be put to sleep soon. I found the dog on petfinder, and noticed that he was again lying to me, she's at a no-kill shelter. So he was trying to guilt trip me.

Basically, she looks like our oldest dog, who isn't a very common breed to find in our area(a Catahoula) and he wanted to be proactive in finding his replacement(?).

Why he was even looking at shelters and dogs is beyond me.

L2L, if that was the reason i stayed married, I would've left many years ago. I do need peace and serenity in my life, however, I also need my kids, and any time I even mention divorce, he threatens to take the kids away. And he has my thinking so warped and screwed up that, at times, I truly believe he will get the kids, and I'll be left with nothing. I did not ever cheat on him, I really don't know where my sister or mom got that from(and it hurts me deeply to have them think of me like that)

Pelican

I would drop that topic like a hot potato. It's the day after a drunken pity party. Leave the topic in the past.

Sorry you had to listen to his drunken dribble.

pixilation

I did try to just ignore him, told him I didn't want to talk about it(once I realized what he was talking about), he just kept on and on with it, following me from room to room, taking my headphones off(I was trying to disengage by watching something on the computer with the headphones) and once he gets started, he won't stop, he'll go off on whatever tangent he wants too. He's majorly pushing my buttons lately, more so than he has in months. Still not sure why.

naive

dear me. how horrible for you and also the children.

have you ever consulted a lawyer just to understand your options?

we have a saying around here...alcoholics don't take partners, they hold hostages.

Pelican

Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse.

It seems that the situation is getting worse.

I agree with the suggestion to get legal counsel.

Have you talked with anyone at a women's shelter or domestic violence organization? His following you around ranting and removing your headphones is harrassment and mentally abusive, imo.

Please take steps today to help yourself and your children. Make some phone calls and reach out for support in your community. Help is available.

pixilation

I tried, the shelter didn't have room for us(the last time) it was at that point, after being kicked while I was down by my family, that I gave up and came back. The shelter actually has a waiting list, so it's really not a viable option.

I didn't call a lawyer at that time, because I was first concerned about feeding us all, finding a job and a place to live for myself and my kids.

and I really thought his zoloft was keeping him "normal", apparently not.

I guess I have to speed up my original plans, I figured May(after school got out) for moving out. It needs to be sooner.

Pelican

Zoloft and alcohol do not mix.

Alcohol is a depressant.

Zoloft is an anti-depressant.

pixilation

I know(I did some research myself on the matter, even finding out that Zoloft can make him want to drink more) but the VA psychiatrists don't seem to care about that, or he's grossly understated the amount of alcohol that he drinks to them. I've tried talking to him about it in the past, and he just blows me off.

I am doing better than I was last night when I first posted. Every time I think I'm doing this thing right, I get thrown a curve ball and get pushed right back to the beginning.

Thumper

I'm so sorry. I really encourage you to speak with a lawyer.

One option I was told about was that if you file for divorce you can also request temporary custody, temporary child support, and temporary possession of the marital home. He'd have to leave and you could stay - at least until you either withdrew the petition or the divorce settlement was final. I was told that regardless of what the final outcome would be - I'd most likely get the temporary orders.

I realize you haven't actually made the decision to divorce right now, I'm just pointing out that there may be other options available that a lawyer would help you see. FWIW I was also told I could withdraw that and it would all just go away. When I first met with an attorney I wasn't sure I wanted a divorce but I did know I wanted him out of the house and he refused to go.

My husband threatened to go for custody of the kids too. It was so unlikely and while I knew in my head it was never going to happen it didn't keep me from being scared stiff and it did cause me to back pedal for awhile. I withdrew my divorce petition. Which is what he intended of course- he actually admitted he did it only to manipulate me. I later followed up with it and we are divorced now. When push came to shove he agreed to giving me full physical custody and doesn't even bother with his visitation most of the time. Your ah is an alcoholic being treated by a psychiatrist. He'll never win and he knows it. I doubt he even wants custody. It is a scare tactic. A powerful one but a scare tactic none the less. **{hug}}

pixilation

Oh, I have actually made the decision, but I can't do anything until I move out(honestly..I do not want the house) and get the money for a lawyer.

Thumper

I didn't want ours either. It was sold as part of the divorce settlement. It was just the easiest and quickest way for us to get in different houses. I needed that and had four kids so it made zero sense for me to leave and he refused to go. Had he went we'd probably still be married. He forced me to take a stand and once I did it snowballed.

I'm not trying to argue with you - just clarifying. It sounds as if you have a plan so that is the first step! My situation was different because I was already working. That did make some logistics infinitely easier.

pixilation

Well, I could always keep the house in the beginning, and he can have it back when the divorce is final. I never thought about it that way. I just don't know though, we live outside of the "big city", and I'd prefer to be in the city, because that's where I'll be working, more/better daycares, bus routes, closer to groceries, etc.

Pelican

Just wanted to share my experience.

I asked for 1/2 of legal fees in my divorce petition. That is negotiable, I could have asked for full legal fees to be paid by my partner.

My AH reminded me that our home was in his name when I asked for a divorce. I calmly agreed. I was willing to walk away from the house. However, I asked for temporary use of the home for myself and 2 children w/2 pets. I had use of the home for 3 months.

I gave the downpayment for that home. It was my inheritance money from the sale of my mother's home. I asked the courts for reimbursement of the downpayment. The court awarded me the reimbursement. I am scheduled to receive payments for 9 years. My AXH lost the home to foreclosure.

Checking with a lawyer gave me peace of mind. No more stinking thinking and accepting threats from an alcoholic bully. I chose to file for divorce rather than legal seperation. Divorce removed my risks of being attached to an alcoholic that still drank and drove, and still gambled away his income.

Thumper

It is possible that if you stay put and move forward with the divorce - the settlement will give you the funds to both move, and pay for the lawyer.

The house was sold and that gave me the money I needed to move and my ex found a lawyer that agreed to a small retainer and waited until after the settlement to be paid in full. I imagine that is fairly lawyer and situation specific. We split the profit of the house 50/50. We live in a 50/50 state.