Charmie

can anybody give me any insight on this?
we started our new meeting about 5 months ago and twice in the last fortnight a lady (13 years in recovery) has brought her young baby,just about crawling age.
nice quite baby in the most but this week she decided to bring a rattle and a toy that made noises like a cell phone.
this isnt a newcomer and i might add the lady also has a partner at home.
this is a new one on me and our group.folk dont bring children to the meetings here.
ive no idea where to go with this.
i dont mind a baby being there but it was very difficult to hear a couple of the shares today.
i dont know...i can see both sides...dont want to exclude someone because they have a child but then again if it was anybody else dispruting the meeting apart from a cute baby they would be taken aside...
insight,thoughts and suggestions please.
i will be bringing it up at group conscience this week.
thanks.

Ananda

char,

your right..it is a tough one...a person with 13 years can still be going through a very rough time, and partners don't always cooperate...but....

seems like requesting no noisy toys at a minimum is reasonable.

IF it were a friend of mine in the program...(thus assuming i would know more about her situation...can she afford a babysitter, is she struggling right now)...I would probably talk to her directly about it first....based on a light hand and offer to help find solutions with her by talking through the options.

sticky situation..please let us know how it goes

Charmie

thanks nanny.
my sponsor actually used to sponsor this lady and knows alot more about her than i do.i barely know her...i am going to talk to her about it.
and yes your right nanny...just because shes been around 13 years dosnt say anything about her situation.

Boleo

Sounds like that would be the best way to handle it. Some meetings in my area allow it and some don't. But all have a predetermined policy about it that was voted on at a GC meeting sometime in the past.

Jamison

I don't have an answer but the one meeting that I go to the girl brings her baby.

The baby is far from quiet, but she does her best to give it cookies and stuff to keep it quiet.

I sometimes get distracted by the baby and can't hear when some people speak.

I also feel the young mother is doing what she needs to do to stay sober by bringing the baby to the meeting.

It is one of my favorite meetings and would never stop going to it because of the baby.

LexieCat

Yeah, those are tough situations to deal with. I agree with the idea of asking someone who knows her well to talk to her and find out what the situation is. Sometimes we have to put up with distractions, but it might be possible to minimize them. I don't think a blanket ban (lol, no pun intended) on babies is a good idea. For some folks there is no other option.

nandm

I have run across similar situations but mostly mothers who are young in sobriety or single mothers who have no choice but to bring the baby if they are going to go to a meeting.

What I have done several times is help out with the baby, take it outside or help to keep it quiet. Personally I believe that a person who brings a child to a meeting really must need the meeting so anything I can do to help might just be the thing that keeps them from drinking that day. It is rare that a person with a lot of sobriety will bring a child to a meeting but if they did I would approach them after the meeting and ask if there is any way I can help them so they can get the most out of the meeting. Also there are meetings out there that have child care, considering the person may not know that I have suggested that the person try to attend those meetings until they find child care of their own to help everyone get the most out of the meeting.

JMHO

CarolD

This is how we voted in our GC...
No babies or youngsters in the room during a meeting.
If the parent desires to stay...one of us takes the minor
to a different empty room.

It was a distraction in the case of babies
For older kids....1. We have a lot of members who cuss
2. It was about protecting our right to privacy.

At one time we had a lot of parents with small
chiildren....we sat up a playroom/nursery in another
room. Parents rotated nursery commitments.

This may not suit your situation....Charmie....

Tommyh

maybe she needs to bring a few quite toys to keep the baby occupied during the meeting
things that make no noise
my home group does not want children in closed meetings but our open meetings welcome them

shaun00

Take it to group i guess charmie.
but for me i love to see children at open meeting.....and wifes.
there is something very special about seeing the children smiling and the family reunited.
love it...

LawMama

I understand the no loud toys thing, but I don't think children or babies should be banned because those people need meetings too! I have a two year old and I had to bring him to one meeting. People were very gracious and helped out, but I had to leave when he got loud. After the meeting a woman celebrating 30 years sobriety said, "never feel bad about bringing your son. As alcoholics, we have all kept children awake and disturbed their lives with our drinking. It is the least we can do to welcome them in our meeting."

Charmie

i will take it to group.i have got to say i have spoken to 4 folk that are friends who were present yesterday and they are all opposed.
ooooh this is a toughy.
i thought how about closed meeting and then open last saturday every month.
there was a lady visiting from 50 miles away yesterday who came with our top table speaker...she didnt share....there was also my friend jackie sat near the baby...she has schitzophrenia aswell as alcoholism and a sick husband at home to look after.she has just got out of hospital after a four year incarseration...she didnt share either.i obsereved 3 older chaps praying when the baby was noisy...so yes i think the girl needs help..her sponsor was there and he actually took the girl and the baby out of the room.now i know the babies God mother and she lives just a few miles from the meeting.
i have found out its not because the girl hasnt options...she just wont leave her baby.
so i ask you again?? lol....
i loved what shaun said about seeing the familys all re-united.our meeting actually falls on christmas day and it will be extended and open and we will have food too..so we are not opposed...but this a a seriously deadly business.i remember what my head was like when i first came and if a baby had been in the room it would have tipped me over the edge.and if it was a regular occurance i would stop going to that meeting....
hhhmmm.im no further on than i was last night but thank you for all your replies.
GC so a loving God can decide

Tea4me

That is a tough one I would also be frustrated. However, how I would deal with it would probably be to say to myself it's probably easier for me to find another meeting if it's so distressing for me. If I did stay I know my tolerance or attempted tolerance would make me feel good, ultimately, cause she as with everyone else deserves to be at a meeting. And the spiritual gift we get from meetings goes beyond actually 'hearing' what's going on! JMHO!

wow1323

People are trying to save their lives there. I think you are being a little petty. I agree about the rattle, but jeesh. Sit away from her.

Tommyh

my home group faced a tough decision earlier this year
a lady brought her 3 kids to open and closed meetings and she would not keep them in a seat or quite and they disturbed the meeting quite a few times
finally the group had a meeting and talked about it
they decided that no children at closed meetings
some got mad and left because of it
now as time goes forward,I believe they over reacted
I also was not there when they voted
Now I would vote to have them take the children out if they got unruly but let them stay if need be

so,a lady who has good quite well mannered children cannot come to our closed meetings
seems unfair to her because of a few unruly children in the past where moms and dads did not know how to be moms and dads and let their children run wild....

where are the children going to learn if not given the chance?
where are the parents going to learn if not given the chance?
sometimes it is easier to meet in a group setting and discuss it and not face the people involved and help them,their kids, or discuss it with them f2f

we are called to be of maximum service to God and others and does that service stop when we have to get involved in a unpleasant situation we really do not want to face?

where is my compassion?
where is my unconditional love and unconditional service?
to me the AA way of life is more than not drinking and when i got to AA I did not know how to be a good loving Dad

being too rigid is harmful to me,and I have found some flexibility is good for me and helps me grow
so is it all about how can I help?What good can I pack into the stream of life for another?
asking myself questions like this help me sift thru the stuff and see the truth and grow

I am hoping my home group will meet soon and reconsider their original decision and let kids back into closed meetings

Charmie

wow 1323,i was sat away from the child,in fact i couldnt have been further away in the room.i couldnt hear folk share that were near the baby however.
yes we are trying to save lives or at least carrying the message that can do so..i dont take the credit on that one....so what about all the other sick alcoholics in the room that are not yet in a position to be able to be patient and tolerant.what about our service to them,which by the way is the majority?
this lady has been around AA and sober for 13 years.she can also attend meetings nearer her home that are open 4 times a week.
we are a closed meeting and just reading the guidelines again i am clear in my own mind on the position i take.
again..i will be taking this to group conscience.
we ask people to turn off mobile phones so as not to disturb the meeting.
bballdad...i really appreciated your post and you can imagine the kind of things that have been going through my head whilst pondering this.
how can our group be of maximum service to the majority of alcoholics 18/1 if there is a disturbance by the one?
we practice patience,love tolerance and kindness in bucketloads.
as a group we also try to practise maturity and sometimes this means making difficult descisions and facing uncomfortable situations...not burrying them so as not to hurt one persons feelings.
this situation i feel may be different if the girl was new,very young,without any other options and desperate.
but even so none of us are at liberty to take this ladies inventory.
we have to make a descision based on the greater good and yes...that may be difficult and uncomfortable...but do you know what...a few months ago i would have just let it go and...moaned like a drain about it and picked up a resentment.

Tommyh

you`re right,I know what you mean Charmie
it is a tough decision to some people,and I am one of those folks
we had talked with the girl in our group many times,her sponsor talked with her also,but she ignored everyone and now our group had to do what it had to do.
If a new girl showed up with some children,I am sure our group would help our for the first time or two
the greater good is important,and people respecting the group conscience is good

I have a friend who is sober 50 yrs and he believes that no children should be in a AA meeting,open or closed.He says-If they wanted to get drunk,they would have found someone to keep them,so how about now?

anyway,i am kinda torn between the 2

Charmie

same as me bbdad....it does tear me in two...but the thought of the greater good keeps coming back...

LexieCat

The problem is, a lot of women drink AT HOME, and no, they don't call someone to mind the kids while they get drunk.

I don't like the idea of having different "policies" depending on the perceived options/needs of the person in question. That gets into a real morass of judging other people's situations.

If the child is quiet, I don't see why anyone should have an objection. The problem is when the child becomes disruptive. Maybe an announcement at the beginning of the meeting could be made when children are present--that because it's important that everyone at the meeting be able to hear what is said, if your child becomes restless you must take the child out of the meeting.

I post a lot on the Newcomer's forum and there are a lot of women desperate for a meeting who cannot find childcare.

Ananda

sounds like you've made up your mind char...please try to have an open mind when you go to the group concience...be sure that people of other view points know of the meeting...pray and remember to let a loving caring god lead the group with an open mind to an answer.