My first attempt at honesty in a long time.
Tryin Hard To Think Clear
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Stuck in the middle of nowhere again.
Posts: 157
My first attempt at honesty in a long time.
So now I am about to get brutally honest about myself, because I have no other outlet to get this out onto the table.
I decided to quit drinking today, like I have countless times in the past. I don't think or know if this time is going to be different. It's like I can't get my head around whether or not I am strong enough to even do this. I have been drinking almost every single day for the past 16 of my 34 years. I am the father of a beautiful 4-year old boy that has had to live his entire life in the same house as a drunk that refuses to open his selfish eyes for long enough to realize he is counting on me for everything he needs in his life. My wife sees me as a helpless lost cause, and we have grown physically, mentally, and emotionally distant. She even drinks with me from time to time.
I work in a damned wine shop. How tough does THAT make it?
When I stop drinking, I absolutely cannot get to sleep. Even if I do, I wake up just about every hour on the hour and lie there staring at the ceiling, my mind completely demolishing myself for every bad thing I have ever done and everything in my life I have ruined. Drinking directly contributed to ending my eight year career in the Navy. I stopped for two days last month, and I kept waking up at night drenched in sweat and mewling/screaming/trembling. The dreams are the worst; these vignettes of guilt and horror and self examination. My hands shake so bad I can barely write my name. I've started drinking in the morning just to get them to stop.
I drive drunk. Usually just on the back roads to get to the store to replenish my alcohol supply, but that doesn't make it ok. I've driven drunk to pick my kid up from school. I've gone to work drunk and covered it with cologne and mouthwash.
I've justified my drinking with just about every excuse I can imagine. I usually drink alone. I never go out of the house anymore for any reason other than to go to work or get more booze.
I'm a wretch and a drunk, and I honestly don't know how much father I can go down this road. But I know where it ends. And at this point I'm not in the driver's seat. I despise myself, but up until now, I've done nothing to change, and that just makes me hate myself even more. I feel so weak and powerless over this thing, and my hands are really starting to shake again.
So here I am, posting to this forum in some small hope that being honest with total strangers, and the stranger that my own self has become to me. I apologize if I have gone too far with this, but I just am not really sure how to go about this. Am I making it into too big a deal? Well, maybe, but this is really the first time I've ever taken a sharp-edged honest look at my selfish self.
I appreciate your time in even reading this, and if you think you can help, I sure could use it, because I am just about at the end of my rope. Thanks.
I decided to quit drinking today, like I have countless times in the past. I don't think or know if this time is going to be different. It's like I can't get my head around whether or not I am strong enough to even do this. I have been drinking almost every single day for the past 16 of my 34 years. I am the father of a beautiful 4-year old boy that has had to live his entire life in the same house as a drunk that refuses to open his selfish eyes for long enough to realize he is counting on me for everything he needs in his life. My wife sees me as a helpless lost cause, and we have grown physically, mentally, and emotionally distant. She even drinks with me from time to time.
I work in a damned wine shop. How tough does THAT make it?
When I stop drinking, I absolutely cannot get to sleep. Even if I do, I wake up just about every hour on the hour and lie there staring at the ceiling, my mind completely demolishing myself for every bad thing I have ever done and everything in my life I have ruined. Drinking directly contributed to ending my eight year career in the Navy. I stopped for two days last month, and I kept waking up at night drenched in sweat and mewling/screaming/trembling. The dreams are the worst; these vignettes of guilt and horror and self examination. My hands shake so bad I can barely write my name. I've started drinking in the morning just to get them to stop.
I drive drunk. Usually just on the back roads to get to the store to replenish my alcohol supply, but that doesn't make it ok. I've driven drunk to pick my kid up from school. I've gone to work drunk and covered it with cologne and mouthwash.
I've justified my drinking with just about every excuse I can imagine. I usually drink alone. I never go out of the house anymore for any reason other than to go to work or get more booze.
I'm a wretch and a drunk, and I honestly don't know how much father I can go down this road. But I know where it ends. And at this point I'm not in the driver's seat. I despise myself, but up until now, I've done nothing to change, and that just makes me hate myself even more. I feel so weak and powerless over this thing, and my hands are really starting to shake again.
So here I am, posting to this forum in some small hope that being honest with total strangers, and the stranger that my own self has become to me. I apologize if I have gone too far with this, but I just am not really sure how to go about this. Am I making it into too big a deal? Well, maybe, but this is really the first time I've ever taken a sharp-edged honest look at my selfish self.
I appreciate your time in even reading this, and if you think you can help, I sure could use it, because I am just about at the end of my rope. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
In my opnion you made a HUGE step forward by admitting to yourself that you need help and came here and posted for such support. Welcome to hopefully the other side of the coin. I too felt that coming to terms oncee and for all what I was doing to myself, my wife, may baby girl, etc by continuing to allow alcohol to control my existence....I found help. You have to want it and work at it. It seems like at this point you need to stop drinking long enough for the alcohol to get out of your system in order for your head to clear enough to operate effectively and getting things undr control once again (even though it may seem like they have been out of control for 16 years and NEVER under control ) this is YOUR opportunity to find yourself - the real YOU. The sober clear headed You. You may want to consult a doctor for your withdrawls. If your wife knows how bad you have gotten she should certainly support you seeking medical help. I personally did not need medical help when quitting as I do not think i was THAT physically dependent on it, but towards the end I was getting some shakes and the sweating, sleeplessness, etc certainly came into play (I just KNEW that it was time to stop). So what if you do not sleep well. Alcohol DOES NOT promote good sleep. Stop drinking. Have insomnia....who cares.....you eventually will get tired enought to sleep and the body's natural processes will take over.
You have done a great thing by reaching out. Do it one day at a time, one hour at a time....it will get easier. Your family deserves to have the real YOU present in their lives.
Good luck.
You have done a great thing by reaching out. Do it one day at a time, one hour at a time....it will get easier. Your family deserves to have the real YOU present in their lives.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I would second the previous posters suggestion to discuss medical help with your doctor.
I could have written every word of your post, almost, regarding the progression of my drinking. Your difficulties sleeping when you quit are probably the result of going through the physical stages of withdrawal: I experienced it countless times.
When I first came to SR, people suggested that I make a plan.
I talked to my doctor first and called an outpatient clinic. I didn't go through a medically assisted detox, (but, I wish I had).
You can start by making a plan too, and considering a program of recovery.
Welcome to SR, you will find a huge amount of support here!
I could have written every word of your post, almost, regarding the progression of my drinking. Your difficulties sleeping when you quit are probably the result of going through the physical stages of withdrawal: I experienced it countless times.
When I first came to SR, people suggested that I make a plan.
I talked to my doctor first and called an outpatient clinic. I didn't go through a medically assisted detox, (but, I wish I had).
You can start by making a plan too, and considering a program of recovery.
Welcome to SR, you will find a huge amount of support here!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
For sure welcome to SR. I have been on here for several years. Through several attempts to stop drinking. But, it wasn't until 7 days ago that I just woke up and made the decision. TODAY I am not going to drink... and I have waken up for 6 more days and made that same decision.
I would suggest as everyone else does... see a doctor. This isn't something we can do on our own. Believe me I have tried.. over... and over and over. As I am sure many of us have. But, maybe look into AA. I have just started. I thought it would be weird. Surly I couldn't be as bad off as THOSE people are. What I have learned is that it is nice to be around people who woke up today and make the same decision that I did.
I hope it gets better for you. Sounds like you have a good life that can only get better when you put the work into it.
Saliena
I would suggest as everyone else does... see a doctor. This isn't something we can do on our own. Believe me I have tried.. over... and over and over. As I am sure many of us have. But, maybe look into AA. I have just started. I thought it would be weird. Surly I couldn't be as bad off as THOSE people are. What I have learned is that it is nice to be around people who woke up today and make the same decision that I did.
I hope it gets better for you. Sounds like you have a good life that can only get better when you put the work into it.
Saliena
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Welcome to SR and good for you for acknowledging you have a problem and reaching out for help that's often the hardest part. Insomnia sucks I often go weeks at a time with little more than a couple of hours sleep a night but getting through the days sleep deprived beats getting through a day with the horrendous hangovers I used to have. Many people need medical assistance to detox and you may be 1 of those, I've heard it can be very dangerous for some to detox w/o medical help. Keep reading and keep posting.
God Bless.
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I can only tell that my own experience with insomnia is greatly decreased since I stopped drinking. it took about a week before i started getting 4-5 hours per night, now it's usually 7.
by all means see your primary care doc and be honest with him/her, maybe take a few days off from work to help you through this or go to a facility...and please don't drive while drinking, an error will haunt you the rest of your life. Innocent people don't deserve to share your problem.
by all means see your primary care doc and be honest with him/her, maybe take a few days off from work to help you through this or go to a facility...and please don't drive while drinking, an error will haunt you the rest of your life. Innocent people don't deserve to share your problem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Welcome
You said it perfectly, your not in the drivers seat anymore. Your physical addiction has taken over. Please let medical professionals help release you from the physical pain of addiction so that you can begin the recovery process. I was in the passenger seat too, scared and without hope. With sobriety anything is possible.
SH
You said it perfectly, your not in the drivers seat anymore. Your physical addiction has taken over. Please let medical professionals help release you from the physical pain of addiction so that you can begin the recovery process. I was in the passenger seat too, scared and without hope. With sobriety anything is possible.
SH
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi June,
Welcome and I think your honesty in your posting will help you begin to heal.
I think that the shame and guilt involved with addiction was so very hard for me to deal with. It took a long time before I could stop judging myself harshly.
And, please remember that addiction isn't a character defect, it's a disease.
Welcome and I think your honesty in your posting will help you begin to heal.
I think that the shame and guilt involved with addiction was so very hard for me to deal with. It took a long time before I could stop judging myself harshly.
And, please remember that addiction isn't a character defect, it's a disease.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,841
I had a lot of those same feelings of being worthless, helpless, etc, etc. The longer I've stayed sober, those thoughts have been replaced with happiness and hope for the future. Please see a doctor before attempting any detox.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome June - Glad you found us. You're not a "wretch and a drunk" - you're a valuable person who has alcoholism (like Anna said: a disease). Do you ever feel like you have a split personality? - Like the alcohol has created it's own person in your head and taken over? It felt that way to me - I didn't understand why in the world I continued to drink when I could do just about anything else I put my mind to. Believe me, you're not alone!
Look with a little compassion on yourself. Right now, you have a sickness. You really CAN get better, though. We've been where you're at and felt hopeless, too, yet a lot of us are beginning again. It's never too late. You're just going to need help. None of us can do it on our own.
I hope you'll continue to hang out with us. There are some really wonderful people here and lots of good information!!:ghug3
Look with a little compassion on yourself. Right now, you have a sickness. You really CAN get better, though. We've been where you're at and felt hopeless, too, yet a lot of us are beginning again. It's never too late. You're just going to need help. None of us can do it on our own.
I hope you'll continue to hang out with us. There are some really wonderful people here and lots of good information!!:ghug3
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Congrats on making a wise decision - stopping drinking now means your drinking-related problems will go away: health, possible legal troubles, or trouble so deep you can't get out of it. Drinking will always get worse, never better, on its own. Do see your doctor for help in getting safely thru the initial detox.
Welcome to SR!
Welcome to SR!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Juneof44
That was a very powerful post.
You're not 'a wretch and a drunk' you're just like the rest of us - like Anna said, this is not a character defect or a moral condition.
You'll find a lot of help support and understanding here
I do hope you see your doctor tho - it's a good first step for all of us - be a honest and open with them as you were here.
Welcome to SR - keep posting
D
That was a very powerful post.
You're not 'a wretch and a drunk' you're just like the rest of us - like Anna said, this is not a character defect or a moral condition.
You'll find a lot of help support and understanding here
I do hope you see your doctor tho - it's a good first step for all of us - be a honest and open with them as you were here.
Welcome to SR - keep posting
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Central Scotland
Posts: 174
Hey, June. Welcome.
That was a great post - open, honest and aware of the problem. A good start.
Everyone else here can totally relate to what you're going through. Personally, I've lost count of the amount of times I went to work drunk or missed work because of it. I've also worked as a bartender for most of the last decade so I can relate to your feelings of temptation through working in the wine store.
It seems to me that you have a lot of reasons to get sober - especially that little boy of yours. It may seem like the hardest thing in the world right now, I was in your situation about six weeks ago but it does get better.
Get to the doctor, be honest with him like you've been with us and take it easy, one day at a time. Alcohol is gonna take so much more away from you than it's ever gonna give.
Good luck and stick around.
That was a great post - open, honest and aware of the problem. A good start.
Everyone else here can totally relate to what you're going through. Personally, I've lost count of the amount of times I went to work drunk or missed work because of it. I've also worked as a bartender for most of the last decade so I can relate to your feelings of temptation through working in the wine store.
It seems to me that you have a lot of reasons to get sober - especially that little boy of yours. It may seem like the hardest thing in the world right now, I was in your situation about six weeks ago but it does get better.
Get to the doctor, be honest with him like you've been with us and take it easy, one day at a time. Alcohol is gonna take so much more away from you than it's ever gonna give.
Good luck and stick around.
Tryin Hard To Think Clear
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Stuck in the middle of nowhere again.
Posts: 157
Thank you all so much for the support. I have found the time and courage to give my doctor a call and take that step. I just hope I haven't damaged myself too much. Today has certainly not been easy. I don't imagine tomorrow will be either. I will assuredly keep coming back. Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 163
You didn't pick the name "JuneOf44" just for giggles. You're an admirer of courageous men. Well, you're one of them now. It takes guts to do this, and you can. Your son is looking up to you. Teach him what it is.
The first few days are sheer hell, no doubt. Talk to your doctor. After that, it slowly gets better. You have to stick out that first week, though. Do that and the clouds start to lift. Stay around here for support. It means everything.
The first few days are sheer hell, no doubt. Talk to your doctor. After that, it slowly gets better. You have to stick out that first week, though. Do that and the clouds start to lift. Stay around here for support. It means everything.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome to the club!
You haven't done anything a lot of us haven't done. That isn't by way of excusing it, but you are far from alone in your feelings of wretchedness.
Here's the GREAT news. With recovery, you NEVER have to feel this way again. Glad you have called your doctor. You need to make a plan for recovery. Detoxing is step one, and I HIGHLY recommend that you follow that with rehab, intensive outpatient therapy, and/or AA. What is great about AA is that the program is designed to help rid you of those horrible feelings of guilt and shame that haunt your days and nights. You can be totally free of them by working a simple program of recovery.
You have already made a good start by posting here and by calling your doctor. The honesty you have displayed in your post will serve you well in recovery.
You might want to get a copy of the AA "Big Book"--most meetings have them for sale for a small price. Meantime, you can read the Big Book online.
Stick around, recovery is quite the adventure.
You haven't done anything a lot of us haven't done. That isn't by way of excusing it, but you are far from alone in your feelings of wretchedness.
Here's the GREAT news. With recovery, you NEVER have to feel this way again. Glad you have called your doctor. You need to make a plan for recovery. Detoxing is step one, and I HIGHLY recommend that you follow that with rehab, intensive outpatient therapy, and/or AA. What is great about AA is that the program is designed to help rid you of those horrible feelings of guilt and shame that haunt your days and nights. You can be totally free of them by working a simple program of recovery.
You have already made a good start by posting here and by calling your doctor. The honesty you have displayed in your post will serve you well in recovery.
You might want to get a copy of the AA "Big Book"--most meetings have them for sale for a small price. Meantime, you can read the Big Book online.
Stick around, recovery is quite the adventure.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Juneof44 - I commend you for your honest self-appraisal. You already know what has to be done - it took me into my 50's to reach the point you have. Everything can be made right again, you can regain your health and your relationships. Your son's memories of the drinking dad will dim, and the new dad will take over. Be proud of yourself for seeing the light, and for coming here to share with us. We are not strangers - we are family - and we care about you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: warming up
Posts: 114
WOW you have taken a big step and that is great. When I read your story it brings me to my home. We both drink heavy and I want and need to stop before my life is destoryed. we too have a child in the home. You will find a whole new life with your child and will enjoy life again. Good Job keep posting on SR great people here
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 318
Hey June, just 20 days ago I made the same decision that you have made. I had several days of sleeplessness, shakes, sweating, nightmares, the works but now, and for the last week, I am able to sleep pretty much through the night and no more nightmares. I am still a bit shaky, I'll be honest but nothing like the first 2 weeks. It is hard to get through and if I had to do it again I would take the advice of many here and seek medical advice and support.
Arm yourself with all of the support that you can find. This place is wonderful and if it weren't for posting my first time on here and seeing that I was not alone, I would still be drinking. There are lots of programs out there to aid and support you on your journey to recovery and it doesn't cost a thing. You have nothing to lose by reaching out and getting all of the support and back up that you can.
You have made a wise decision by coming here. June, I too have drank for the better part of the last 20 years of my 36 and have a son that depends on me. You can do this...for you...for your wife...for your little one. Give it a few days and you will see things differently, less foggy and more openly and honestly. Life is so much better when you wake from a nice sober sleep to a wonderful family .
The job...yeah that would be hard...you are going to have to have a real good strong resolve.
Be good to you...get some help and get sober.
D.
Arm yourself with all of the support that you can find. This place is wonderful and if it weren't for posting my first time on here and seeing that I was not alone, I would still be drinking. There are lots of programs out there to aid and support you on your journey to recovery and it doesn't cost a thing. You have nothing to lose by reaching out and getting all of the support and back up that you can.
You have made a wise decision by coming here. June, I too have drank for the better part of the last 20 years of my 36 and have a son that depends on me. You can do this...for you...for your wife...for your little one. Give it a few days and you will see things differently, less foggy and more openly and honestly. Life is so much better when you wake from a nice sober sleep to a wonderful family .
The job...yeah that would be hard...you are going to have to have a real good strong resolve.
Be good to you...get some help and get sober.
D.
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