Addict Roommate --> Losing My Serenity
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Addict Roommate --> Losing My Serenity
Feeling overwhelmed & need advice. My family is too much for me to handle. As the oldest child in my generation, there is addiction & codependency in all of my 3 brothers and 2 cousins - who are ALL MALE. As the oldest and the only girl, I have always felt responsible for them. It was an ABF that brought me to SR, but obviously I am working out my problems with my family of origin in other relationships.
So, the current issue.
I live with my cousin, who is 28. He has a good job and is looked upon by the family as someone we are proud of because he takes care of himself financially. Except he doesn't. He's an alcoholic and substance abuser. Everyone is aware of his alcoholism, and he has had several issues which have caused his parents and this therapist to ask him to try AA. He won't. He's going to control his drinking himself because he doesn't want to have to give it up entirely. HA. Such an idiotic standpoint that I can't even get involved when we have the conversation -- although it's VERY good practice for me with my Al-Anon program.
SO he is not drinking for one month. But guess what he does instead?? Oh just takes bong rips and stuffs himself with xanax. WONDERFUL. what a GREAT sobriety plan, right????
okay, so i live with him and i need to detach. but we share the same space and HE IS RUINING IT WITH HIS CARELESSNESS DUE TO THE SUBSTANCE ABUSE.
Right now I am finally driven to post because he fell asleep on the couch last night, which he does frequently. This drives me BESERK. We only have main room besides our very small bedrooms and it is NOT OKAY for him to sleep on the couch. Not only does it mean I have to tiptoe around him on MY SUNDAY, MY DAY OFF while he SLEEPS but it also means that he is RUINING my couch and throw blanket and decorative pillows with his big sweaty body. I already had to put a slipcover on the couch because he stained it so badly with his body sweat and now this??? i mean COME ON. it's my house too, and he's DESTROYING MY THINGS.
another thing -he cooks a lot and falls asleep before he has time to clean up his mess and leaves his dishes on the stove -- the next day i will find mouse poop! I am a freak about rodents -- I try to be so clean!!!! But now I have to live with them because this idiot can't recognize he needs help and isn't sober AT ALL???
My apartment is one of the places that normally helps me keep my serenity, but now it's become an issue. I don't think I should have to tiptoe around in my own home and worry about my things being destroyed. And I want the place to look nice.
HP is trying to help me with a lesson here. . I just need help deciphering what it is. . .
I am frustrated and need advice. Thanks for listening guys.
So, the current issue.
I live with my cousin, who is 28. He has a good job and is looked upon by the family as someone we are proud of because he takes care of himself financially. Except he doesn't. He's an alcoholic and substance abuser. Everyone is aware of his alcoholism, and he has had several issues which have caused his parents and this therapist to ask him to try AA. He won't. He's going to control his drinking himself because he doesn't want to have to give it up entirely. HA. Such an idiotic standpoint that I can't even get involved when we have the conversation -- although it's VERY good practice for me with my Al-Anon program.
SO he is not drinking for one month. But guess what he does instead?? Oh just takes bong rips and stuffs himself with xanax. WONDERFUL. what a GREAT sobriety plan, right????
okay, so i live with him and i need to detach. but we share the same space and HE IS RUINING IT WITH HIS CARELESSNESS DUE TO THE SUBSTANCE ABUSE.
Right now I am finally driven to post because he fell asleep on the couch last night, which he does frequently. This drives me BESERK. We only have main room besides our very small bedrooms and it is NOT OKAY for him to sleep on the couch. Not only does it mean I have to tiptoe around him on MY SUNDAY, MY DAY OFF while he SLEEPS but it also means that he is RUINING my couch and throw blanket and decorative pillows with his big sweaty body. I already had to put a slipcover on the couch because he stained it so badly with his body sweat and now this??? i mean COME ON. it's my house too, and he's DESTROYING MY THINGS.
another thing -he cooks a lot and falls asleep before he has time to clean up his mess and leaves his dishes on the stove -- the next day i will find mouse poop! I am a freak about rodents -- I try to be so clean!!!! But now I have to live with them because this idiot can't recognize he needs help and isn't sober AT ALL???
My apartment is one of the places that normally helps me keep my serenity, but now it's become an issue. I don't think I should have to tiptoe around in my own home and worry about my things being destroyed. And I want the place to look nice.
HP is trying to help me with a lesson here. . I just need help deciphering what it is. . .
I am frustrated and need advice. Thanks for listening guys.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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dolly. . .
it's my cousin. new roommate maybe at some point, but i can't just flip the switch. we are very close and doing THAT would disrupt my serenity even more.
trying to KEEP my serenity here.
it's my cousin. new roommate maybe at some point, but i can't just flip the switch. we are very close and doing THAT would disrupt my serenity even more.
trying to KEEP my serenity here.
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i really don't know what type of boundaries i can enforce with him. i feel like i don't have the right.
he does use drugs in our home. he takes gravity bong hits on our couch and leaves the disgusting thing filled with water sitting there for days. i usually end up cleaning it because it's so gross.
and i am honestly afraid to set boundaries. i am not the perfect roommate either - and because we are family, and close family, he is well aware of the family's regard for me as being "particular" and "high-maintenance." true, that is just BS from my family, but i'm only now starting to tackle that stuff and i know my cousin can and will throw it in my face.
can you help me with some boundary suggestions? i'm too fearful it seems to even think of what to say. AH GREAT. . . recovery, you!!! (shakes fist)
he does use drugs in our home. he takes gravity bong hits on our couch and leaves the disgusting thing filled with water sitting there for days. i usually end up cleaning it because it's so gross.
and i am honestly afraid to set boundaries. i am not the perfect roommate either - and because we are family, and close family, he is well aware of the family's regard for me as being "particular" and "high-maintenance." true, that is just BS from my family, but i'm only now starting to tackle that stuff and i know my cousin can and will throw it in my face.
can you help me with some boundary suggestions? i'm too fearful it seems to even think of what to say. AH GREAT. . . recovery, you!!! (shakes fist)
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
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Oooops lost my post!
Bounderies:
No drugs in the home.
His pass out zone is his room.
He is responsible to clean up his own mess.
Just because he is a relative doesn't mean that he has a right to disrespect your space, your santuary of peace.
He is a big boy, sit down with him when he is sober and talk to him, ask for his cooperation.
You know that enabling him is not the answer. As for what your family thinks, who cares?
They don't live with him, you do.
Bounderies:
No drugs in the home.
His pass out zone is his room.
He is responsible to clean up his own mess.
Just because he is a relative doesn't mean that he has a right to disrespect your space, your santuary of peace.
He is a big boy, sit down with him when he is sober and talk to him, ask for his cooperation.
You know that enabling him is not the answer. As for what your family thinks, who cares?
They don't live with him, you do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
Bounderies:
No drugs in the home.
His pass out zone is his room.
He is responsible to clean up his own mess.
No drugs in the home.
His pass out zone is his room.
He is responsible to clean up his own mess.
Can I make this a boundary? I don't think I can. I myself would like to be able to smoke weed if I feel like it, which I really don't very often. As far as my own substance use goes, it's pretty minimal at this point and I am confident that I dont' have substance issues.
I don't want to give up being able to smoke a bowl if I feel like it - in my own house- simply because he has substance abuse issues. I feel stuck on this one.
#2: "His pass out zone is in his room."
This seems fair. There are times of course when I fall asleep on the couch as well, but I never wake up there in the morning. I can try to enforce this one.
#3: "It's his responsibility to clean up after his own mess."
I have TRIED and TRIED to enforce this to no avail. We have had MANY conversations regarding cleaning of the dishes, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, etc.
For example, he has promised to clean the bathroom (his turn) this weekend, but as he is right now preparing to go to the Jets game, he is not going to get it done I can tell.
Also, as far as cleaning up his own mess. . . what if I need to use the kitchen and his dishes are all over the sink and stove? I can't use my own space while his mess is there, so I often end up cleaning it for him. And vice versa, although he cooks a lot more than I do.
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nightandday
My thoughts immediately went to passive aggressive thinking.....do not take these as suggestions but merely my musing.
1. Dirty bong....finds the garbage can. Cleaning it out simply makes life easier for him. If he wants to do drugs and keep his bong out as a decore item....let it at least be in his own space! (That should be an easily attainable boundary.....if he doesn't want to have to keep replacing bongs.)
2. Sleeping on the couch....vacuum and do dishes.....stop tiptoeing around.....he'll move into the bedroom.
3. Dirty dishes....onto his bed (put them in a cardboard box). Let the rodents find them there.
He won't like these solutions but it is within his control to correct them, right? But right now, you are making his life easier by cleaning the bong, allowing him to destroy your couch, doing his dishes and tiptoeing around him.
When my kids did live at home, I would run the vacuum when they were trying to sleep until all hours of the afternoon. They'd come out and whine at me and I'd just tell them "It's 11:00 in the morning....and I need to vacuum.....if you need to sleep.....go to bed earlier tonight....or go back to bed...I'll be done soon." Man....I work long hours......I couldn't do my chores around their schedule or I'd never get anything done! The good news now that my kids are out of the house, my DH is an early riser (earlier than me!!) and I can vacuum at 5:00am if I need to!
ok...those are my passive aggressive solutions. Another solution......accept that what is is and head out for breakfast and a walk on Sunday mornings so that you don't have to look at it. Doesn't really solve the problem but at least it gets you into a better frame of mind?
gentle hugs
(gosh.....even I want to bop your cousin upside the head....lol)
My thoughts immediately went to passive aggressive thinking.....do not take these as suggestions but merely my musing.
1. Dirty bong....finds the garbage can. Cleaning it out simply makes life easier for him. If he wants to do drugs and keep his bong out as a decore item....let it at least be in his own space! (That should be an easily attainable boundary.....if he doesn't want to have to keep replacing bongs.)
2. Sleeping on the couch....vacuum and do dishes.....stop tiptoeing around.....he'll move into the bedroom.
3. Dirty dishes....onto his bed (put them in a cardboard box). Let the rodents find them there.
He won't like these solutions but it is within his control to correct them, right? But right now, you are making his life easier by cleaning the bong, allowing him to destroy your couch, doing his dishes and tiptoeing around him.
When my kids did live at home, I would run the vacuum when they were trying to sleep until all hours of the afternoon. They'd come out and whine at me and I'd just tell them "It's 11:00 in the morning....and I need to vacuum.....if you need to sleep.....go to bed earlier tonight....or go back to bed...I'll be done soon." Man....I work long hours......I couldn't do my chores around their schedule or I'd never get anything done! The good news now that my kids are out of the house, my DH is an early riser (earlier than me!!) and I can vacuum at 5:00am if I need to!
ok...those are my passive aggressive solutions. Another solution......accept that what is is and head out for breakfast and a walk on Sunday mornings so that you don't have to look at it. Doesn't really solve the problem but at least it gets you into a better frame of mind?
gentle hugs
(gosh.....even I want to bop your cousin upside the head....lol)
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When I was a kid if I left dishes laying around, my mom would simply put them in my bed under the covers. After a few times of growing science experiments beneath the sheets, I got the hint.
Ha, I have thought of this but I don't want to start a war of retaliation. He is like a sibling to me. . . this would really anger him and then I can see him trashing some of my things in order to get back at me. But honestly, he is already trashing my things. . . like ruining my couch, having us get mice, etc.
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If his name isn't on the apartment broom his ass to the curb. I'm sure you can find another roommate who would have at least bare minimal respect for you. Courage is something nobody here can teach you, it has to come from within.
what i'm working on is ME. learning to communicate MORE CLEARLY and then letting go of the result. THEN taking some action if necessary to protect my boundaries.
maybe i should have posted this in the step work section? i am not going to "broom his ass to the curb" when there are no legitimate boundaries really in place.
suggestions like "get another roommate" and "broom his ass to the curb" are not part of my keeping my serenity at this point. i tried to make that clear.
courage does have to come from within - but i post here to get suggestions on how to bring it out, how to get clear on my communication so i know when a boundary of mine is being crossed i have the right to respect my feelings on that.
these black and white responses so often given here do not take into account where a person is in their recovery. " take what you like and leave the rest" - fine. we each have our own recovery path.
personally, i am in favor of learning how to get direct and meaning what i say. then letting go of the result.
i'm not going to go "no contact" or kick someone out if it's not right for ME.
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
When I was a kid if I left dishes laying around, my mom would simply put them in my bed under the covers. After a few times of growing science experiments beneath the sheets, I got the hint.
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Originally Posted by NightandDay
HP is trying to help me with a lesson here. . I just need help deciphering what it is. . .
Millions of roommates learn their habits are not compatible and eventually part ways and seek other roommates who share their values. Sure beats the alternative.
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thanks to all who have tried to help. i am discussing the issue with my sponsor. confident i'm working a strong program. anyone else who wants to put in suggestions that help me deal with figuring out the boundaries and a clear way to state them, i welcome your response. as for the "best of luck" responses (i'm looking at you cynical), feel free to post them, but i'm not doing the black and white thing in my recovery, or in this situation. i can get tough when and if i need to, but this is the FIRST time i've ever posted on this issue and the FIRST time i am looking at dealing with setting boundaries with him while in my own recovery.
absolutely not going to kick him out today, tomorrow, or this month. can certainly appreciate HP letting me know that we aren't compatible and hands off his recovery.
working on be direct and clear. then if we can't live together, i will certainly look for another roommate. baby steps.
thanks,
N&D
absolutely not going to kick him out today, tomorrow, or this month. can certainly appreciate HP letting me know that we aren't compatible and hands off his recovery.
working on be direct and clear. then if we can't live together, i will certainly look for another roommate. baby steps.
thanks,
N&D
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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After reading the entire thread, I have to agree with those who have suggested you find a new roommate. It doesn't matter that he is "family." You say you are trying to work on YOU and YOUR serenity. Well, you sure don't appear to have serenity now. If you refuse to enforce your boundaries, then you have no one but yourself to blame if he walks all over them. Regarding him cleaning up his messes, you said...
I have TRIED and TRIED to enforce this to no avail. We have had MANY conversations regarding cleaning of the dishes, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, etc.
When you set a boundary, you don't just tell someone to clean up after themselves. You say something like, if you continue to leave messes in the kitchen, I will take the dirty dishes and put them in your bed. You have to have a reciprocation if he doesn't honor the boundary.
It sounds to me like you are about half afraid of him, and that never makes for a good roommate situation. Again, I agree with the others that one of you needs to go.
I have TRIED and TRIED to enforce this to no avail. We have had MANY conversations regarding cleaning of the dishes, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, etc.
When you set a boundary, you don't just tell someone to clean up after themselves. You say something like, if you continue to leave messes in the kitchen, I will take the dirty dishes and put them in your bed. You have to have a reciprocation if he doesn't honor the boundary.
It sounds to me like you are about half afraid of him, and that never makes for a good roommate situation. Again, I agree with the others that one of you needs to go.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
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Living anywhere where drugs may be found puts you in jeopardy as well. Are you willing to go to jail with him, if busted?
Falling asleep while cooking is dangerous and can cause fires. Are you willing to die for him?
Rodents bring filth and disease. Breathing bong air is unhealthy.
Cousin or not, I'd be moving or kicking him out as soon as possible and hopefully before his addiction brings more trouble than just aggravation for you.
It's a tough situation, and I'm not unsympathetic, but I see lots of danger here for you.
Hope you figure something out before it gets worse.
Hugs
Falling asleep while cooking is dangerous and can cause fires. Are you willing to die for him?
Rodents bring filth and disease. Breathing bong air is unhealthy.
Cousin or not, I'd be moving or kicking him out as soon as possible and hopefully before his addiction brings more trouble than just aggravation for you.
It's a tough situation, and I'm not unsympathetic, but I see lots of danger here for you.
Hope you figure something out before it gets worse.
Hugs
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You say something like, if you continue to leave messes in the kitchen, I will take the dirty dishes and put them in your bed. You have to have a reciprocation if he doesn't honor the boundary.
I'm going to make a list of boundaries and what lengths I am willing to go to enforce them. I think that is the first step here.
Rodents are freaking disgusting and really that is the thing that gets me the most. Ok, so I have some work to do. I will update on my progress.
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Is it not possible that you both could be happier with roommates with more compatible habits?
My first response is that having had 7 apartments and 7 different roommates in my life that there is really no such thing as truly compatible habits. I lived with one girl who was a total neatfreak weirdo - to the point where she washed the dishes with her hand (no sponge because sponges were gross) and we couldn't even have pillows on the couch (not chic and too sloppy looking).
I lived alone once and that is the only other experience I had with rodents -- it was a building problem, though, not a neatness problem. (In a really nice building too, go figure)
Probably though I have not felt that roommates can be compatible because of my own untreated codependence. so now that i'm working on it, maybe it can be different. something to think about, i suppose.
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3. Dirty dishes....onto his bed (put them in a cardboard box). Let the rodents find them there.
you know, with his sloppy habits, he would probably not even notice if you put them UNDER his bed.( If you did not like him, this would be the perfect thing to do
sorry, but i got a kick out of kindeyes suggestion.
good luck
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