Addict Roommate --> Losing My Serenity
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
How Quickly it Escalates Once You Get a Little Conscious
There are lessons, apparently, that I have to keep learning.
Like with my cousin. . . I am thinking that this is something we can discuss and figure out, all the while not admitting to myself that HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG ADDICT.
So he came home last night and had been drinking, even though he was trying to not drink till October. I was watching TV and he was fumbling around doing God knows what. I asked him to please not fumble around during my show (
"Mad Men") and then. . . RAGE. Blame. A huge fight, I don't even know what it was about.
THen I saw that yes, I am afraid of him. Because this is a pattern and I don't feel comfortable asking for basic courtesies.
Frankly, I'm totally disheartened. It's too much for me - there is too much addiction and untreated codependence in my family. I guess I am going to have to distance myself from my family for a while? My father and my cousin's father are identical twins who grew up with an abusive, raging alcoholic father. My father and my uncle never sought recovery for themselves and now, of my 3 brother and 2 male cousins, only 1 of them can function even half normally (without substances or crippling codependence & depression). Those are some pretty sh*tty odds, huh?
Like with my cousin. . . I am thinking that this is something we can discuss and figure out, all the while not admitting to myself that HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG ADDICT.
So he came home last night and had been drinking, even though he was trying to not drink till October. I was watching TV and he was fumbling around doing God knows what. I asked him to please not fumble around during my show (
"Mad Men") and then. . . RAGE. Blame. A huge fight, I don't even know what it was about.
THen I saw that yes, I am afraid of him. Because this is a pattern and I don't feel comfortable asking for basic courtesies.
Frankly, I'm totally disheartened. It's too much for me - there is too much addiction and untreated codependence in my family. I guess I am going to have to distance myself from my family for a while? My father and my cousin's father are identical twins who grew up with an abusive, raging alcoholic father. My father and my uncle never sought recovery for themselves and now, of my 3 brother and 2 male cousins, only 1 of them can function even half normally (without substances or crippling codependence & depression). Those are some pretty sh*tty odds, huh?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by NightandDay 
My father and my uncle never sought recovery for themselves and now, of my 3 brother and 2 male cousins, only 1 of them can function even half normally (without substances or crippling codependence & depression). Those are some pretty sh*tty odds, huh?
Sounds like a whole heck of a lot of learned behaviors.
You have the power within you to break the cycle any time you want.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
N&D
It took me a long time to finally admit to myself that I was afraid of my AS (I am still trying to process that thought). Not because I was afraid he would physically hurt me. He has never physically hurt me or even attempted to do such a thing. More like.....I wouldn't address certain issues because I was afraid of his reaction. The arguments. The hurling of accusations. The generally making me feel crappy for trying to establish boundaries. It was fear that made it difficult for me to establish boundaries. Fear.
Your post just drove that home for me.
The complete and total discomfort that an addict/alcoholic can cause when a codependent tries to establish boundaries is HUGE. Something that we should be able to be discuss in a calm and rational manner turns into a major event......so it's easier to just not to go there. And thus begins the pattern.........they stomp all over our boundaries and we resent the heck out of them for doing it....but we still love them so we put up with it.
They stomp all over the boundaries......we allow them to do it for fear of the reaction and we feel like crap for even HAVING boundaries. It's really ridiculous in a way. We accept behavior from the addict in our lives when we wouldn't think twice about removing anyone else from our lives that behaved that way.
This was kind of one of those aHA moments for me. Thank you.
gentle hugs
It took me a long time to finally admit to myself that I was afraid of my AS (I am still trying to process that thought). Not because I was afraid he would physically hurt me. He has never physically hurt me or even attempted to do such a thing. More like.....I wouldn't address certain issues because I was afraid of his reaction. The arguments. The hurling of accusations. The generally making me feel crappy for trying to establish boundaries. It was fear that made it difficult for me to establish boundaries. Fear.
Your post just drove that home for me.
The complete and total discomfort that an addict/alcoholic can cause when a codependent tries to establish boundaries is HUGE. Something that we should be able to be discuss in a calm and rational manner turns into a major event......so it's easier to just not to go there. And thus begins the pattern.........they stomp all over our boundaries and we resent the heck out of them for doing it....but we still love them so we put up with it.
They stomp all over the boundaries......we allow them to do it for fear of the reaction and we feel like crap for even HAVING boundaries. It's really ridiculous in a way. We accept behavior from the addict in our lives when we wouldn't think twice about removing anyone else from our lives that behaved that way.
This was kind of one of those aHA moments for me. Thank you.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
It also just dawned on me that some of the folks who try to force those aHA moments on this board are most likely right.....in the long run. But just as you can't FORCE an addict or alcoholic to have an aHA moment (stop using), you can't FORCE a codependent to have those aHA moments on cue just because you've already experienced that aHA moment. It doesn't mean that people further in their recovery are smarter or better than those just beginning their journey.....it just means that.....they are further along in their recovery.
Sometimes the best teacher is experience and time.......and trying to speed up the process doesn't work for a codependent any better than it works for an addict.
Just my thoughts for today.
Have a good day today N&D.
gentle hugs
Sometimes the best teacher is experience and time.......and trying to speed up the process doesn't work for a codependent any better than it works for an addict.
Just my thoughts for today.
Have a good day today N&D.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I came here believing I had a unique story. All I wanted was some 411 on how I could better control my daughter's recovery. All I read was advice about my own recoevery. What the hell-o?
If it were not for those here who saw through the BS and consistently made it clear that we codependents have options beyond what is apparent to us, in the moment, I likely would have been in bankruptcy right now, in the unlikely event I survived my own implosion.
It only took reading 5000 posts for me to have that single aha moment.
If it were not for those here who saw through the BS and consistently made it clear that we codependents have options beyond what is apparent to us, in the moment, I likely would have been in bankruptcy right now, in the unlikely event I survived my own implosion.
It only took reading 5000 posts for me to have that single aha moment.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: saint petersburg, fl
Posts: 119
too true.
i read, and read, and read posts on here every day. it is like therapy for me, especially with what is going on in my life right now.
when someone is an addict, you have to turn the focus on yourself, not them. that is the biggest lesson i have learned so far. you must be (in a way) completely selfish in any situation that deals with them.
how is this affecting me?
what can i do to keep myself happy?
what am i getting from/trying to accomplish in this relationship/situation?
is this beneficial for my health and well being?
what can i do to keep my boundaries from being crossed?
once i asked myself those questions, and quite a few others, i realized where i needed to be and what i needed to do.
i read, and read, and read posts on here every day. it is like therapy for me, especially with what is going on in my life right now.
when someone is an addict, you have to turn the focus on yourself, not them. that is the biggest lesson i have learned so far. you must be (in a way) completely selfish in any situation that deals with them.
how is this affecting me?
what can i do to keep myself happy?
what am i getting from/trying to accomplish in this relationship/situation?
is this beneficial for my health and well being?
what can i do to keep my boundaries from being crossed?
once i asked myself those questions, and quite a few others, i realized where i needed to be and what i needed to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
I came here believing I had a unique story. All I wanted was some 411 on how I could better control my daughter's recovery. All I read was advice about my own recoevery. What the hell-o?
If it were not for those here who saw through the BS and consistently made it clear that we codependents have options beyond what is apparent to us, in the moment, I likely would have been in bankruptcy right now, in the unlikely event I survived my own implosion.
It only took reading 5000 posts for me to have that single aha moment.
If it were not for those here who saw through the BS and consistently made it clear that we codependents have options beyond what is apparent to us, in the moment, I likely would have been in bankruptcy right now, in the unlikely event I survived my own implosion.
It only took reading 5000 posts for me to have that single aha moment.
I don't think my story is unique. I think it is so damn classic and typical that I'm overwhelmed by it.
I know I don't have all the answers. I am new to recovery, and I want to be able to learn from those who have gone before me. But one of the things that has been consistently enforced is "baby steps" and that it is a process.
I get distressed when I come here for support and advice on a situation that I admit I am trying to change, only to be told the most drastic, bottom-line course of action. Maybe that is what I will come to eventually, and I hope that I will if that is what the situation calls for --
Recovery calls for honesty, but it also calls for acceptance. I am in recovery, I am WORKING toward setting my boundaries & getting clear on my communication. I'm not in denial of my situation or of the things in my past/personality that have brought me to this point in my life. . . I'm working through it. I have had a few AHA moments already in recovery. . . where I see my patterns clearly and that I have a choice in continuing them or not. But I can't have an AHA moment on command.
I guess what it boils down to is different communication styles. The message is all basically the same and thank god we have all kinds here to help us hear it. It takes something probably a little bit different for everyone.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Originally Posted by NightandDay
I guess what it boils down to is different communication styles. The message is all basically the same and thank god we have all kinds here to help us hear it. It takes something probably a little bit different for everyone.
I don't know about you but I'm working on those baby steps but I still take a few baby steps backwards sometimes too. If I didn't, I think I would truly question my compassion. And I do believe that those who seem least deserving of our compassion are often those most in need of it.
gentle hugs
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