Making Amends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Making Amends
I completed my list of those I have harmed and now have to make amends.
“Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.”
As in BBallDad’s case, my sponsor made the suggestion to go forward and make amends to family and relatives first. Going to family and relatives first gave me a good start for in some sense they show a better understanding of what it is you are attempting to do. In turn gives me the willingness and courage to later approach old friends and even new friends.
One thing my sponsor shared with me was that he had to understand that the purpose of making amends was not so he could feel good about himself. It was about being truly sorry for the things he did wrong. It had to come from the heart.
A couple of my sisters had already had some knowledge of 12 Step work so understood what was necessary for me to do. I didn’t go out making amends like it all had to be done at once or the world would come to an end. There were amends that I had to make that I had to pray for the willingness and courage to go ahead and make them.
There were amends I had to pray on and ask my sponsor for direction on because it could possibly hurt those people, other people involved and in some situations hurt myself. So there are some I am making indirect amends on. Some of those indirect amends are people that I had harmed that I didn’t know. Don’t know their names or where they live. Some people I harmed who have moved and I don’t know where they live and couldn’t even find there names in the telephone book. Some people who have since died.
In some cases where the people have died I had to make the amends to their family.
There were many that I had to forgive for harm they had done to me before I could ask them for forgiveness. There were some people who didn’t accept my apologies even after knowing why I was doing this.
Each and every amend I make puts a little more distance between that person I was and the person I am today. Freedom from the old and continue to build on the new.
Harry
“Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.”
As in BBallDad’s case, my sponsor made the suggestion to go forward and make amends to family and relatives first. Going to family and relatives first gave me a good start for in some sense they show a better understanding of what it is you are attempting to do. In turn gives me the willingness and courage to later approach old friends and even new friends.
One thing my sponsor shared with me was that he had to understand that the purpose of making amends was not so he could feel good about himself. It was about being truly sorry for the things he did wrong. It had to come from the heart.
A couple of my sisters had already had some knowledge of 12 Step work so understood what was necessary for me to do. I didn’t go out making amends like it all had to be done at once or the world would come to an end. There were amends that I had to make that I had to pray for the willingness and courage to go ahead and make them.
There were amends I had to pray on and ask my sponsor for direction on because it could possibly hurt those people, other people involved and in some situations hurt myself. So there are some I am making indirect amends on. Some of those indirect amends are people that I had harmed that I didn’t know. Don’t know their names or where they live. Some people I harmed who have moved and I don’t know where they live and couldn’t even find there names in the telephone book. Some people who have since died.
In some cases where the people have died I had to make the amends to their family.
There were many that I had to forgive for harm they had done to me before I could ask them for forgiveness. There were some people who didn’t accept my apologies even after knowing why I was doing this.
Each and every amend I make puts a little more distance between that person I was and the person I am today. Freedom from the old and continue to build on the new.
Harry
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Like my sponsor advised me.......plenty of thought needs to go into this step.
Looking for self- motivation.. and disregard for possible harms to others..
I spent lots of time in quiet prayer......
I still do sometimes..........because i still have a big one to make.
thus far it has not presented itself where all harm to her is eliminated.
I pray that one day that will be the case......but it isn't in my time is it..
i remember saying to my daughter........".baby how can i right that wrong"
"dad, i just want you to be a dad.......and try to be predictable".
[email protected] typing that rips me up....
Looking for self- motivation.. and disregard for possible harms to others..
I spent lots of time in quiet prayer......
I still do sometimes..........because i still have a big one to make.
thus far it has not presented itself where all harm to her is eliminated.
I pray that one day that will be the case......but it isn't in my time is it..
i remember saying to my daughter........".baby how can i right that wrong"
"dad, i just want you to be a dad.......and try to be predictable".
[email protected] typing that rips me up....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Then you walk away keep......we do not force an amends on someone that doesn't want to hear it.
and there may be a few that dont wanna hear it...in my own personal experience anyhow
not all amends or attempted amends will have fairy tale ending imo....All you can do is attempt it..to the best of your ability.
whether they except it or not doesn't have much to do with me.....what is to do with me is whether it will harm them.
and there may be a few that dont wanna hear it...in my own personal experience anyhow
not all amends or attempted amends will have fairy tale ending imo....All you can do is attempt it..to the best of your ability.
whether they except it or not doesn't have much to do with me.....what is to do with me is whether it will harm them.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
If they don't want to talk with you and hear you out, then that is the way it is for them. Respect their stance, and move on. In your effort just remain sincere if later on they want to hear you out, go ahead and make the amend. Our making amends is important, but we are not to cause "harm" to another in the midst of us clearing out our past wreckage. The onus is on us to be responsible for our past behaviours even if we can't for whatever reasons make direct amends. In these circumstances we have nothing to fear about the quality and steadfastness of our sobriety if our efforts have been sincere.
Rob
Rob
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
^^^^I think that's one you run by your sponsor AND run by God.......a lot.....and do a lot of listening. Like Trucker said, first thing is for us to be willing. Then we have to be patient. The purpose of amends lies in its definition:
Amend: 1. to put right 2. to change or modify for the better
Amends: compensation for a loss or injury
soooooo, if contacting the person and/or admitting our guilt or wrongdoing will make matters worse, then "now" isn't the time for that particular amend. For some amends, we'll need to use surrogates, make living amends, etc because we may never get the chance to set things right without making them worse in the process. That said, amends like this are few and far between and are best identified with a sponsors help.
In your case Keep....that amend might be one you absolutely must try again.......but try again sometime later.
Amend: 1. to put right 2. to change or modify for the better
Amends: compensation for a loss or injury
soooooo, if contacting the person and/or admitting our guilt or wrongdoing will make matters worse, then "now" isn't the time for that particular amend. For some amends, we'll need to use surrogates, make living amends, etc because we may never get the chance to set things right without making them worse in the process. That said, amends like this are few and far between and are best identified with a sponsors help.
In your case Keep....that amend might be one you absolutely must try again.......but try again sometime later.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 105
My sponsor last night told me to start working on my amends list. It really isn't that long for I have righted some things as I was getting my act together. I fear though that my biggest amend I can not make for it would be to pull the scab off a recovering wound or to open a wound that was never there. Yes in my drinking there was infidelity. It is a guilt that I carry everyday sober. I told her about one instance after it happened on a business trip. That was probably the worst move I ever made. I can not bring up the other instances even though we are seperated. I fear I will lose the friend I still have in her. How do you get rid of that guilt??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
You could ask god to remove it......but in my experience, for the one im thinking off it doesn't go completely....i have times when i still feel deep remorse.
I try not to dwell, but the fact is its still there on occasions......i ask god to put me in the right place at the right time.......that i might make amends without fear of hurting her in any way..
That remorse maybe there for a reason........to remind me that one amends remains..
when the times right.......in gods time not mine..
Its vital imo.......that guilt doesn't drive me into making a self motivated decision and blurting back into her life with scant regards to the outcome......just to appease myself and relieve my guilt.
I try not to dwell, but the fact is its still there on occasions......i ask god to put me in the right place at the right time.......that i might make amends without fear of hurting her in any way..
That remorse maybe there for a reason........to remind me that one amends remains..
when the times right.......in gods time not mine..
Its vital imo.......that guilt doesn't drive me into making a self motivated decision and blurting back into her life with scant regards to the outcome......just to appease myself and relieve my guilt.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Scott,
First things first...... all you're doing is putting together a list, you're not making the amends yet. Don't put the horse before the cart. Make the list......then talk about it with your sponsor.
First things first...... all you're doing is putting together a list, you're not making the amends yet. Don't put the horse before the cart. Make the list......then talk about it with your sponsor.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
my second sponsor told me to make amends to get rid of guilt
in your case,you would be wise to not tell her about those times
I would try and get as willing as possible to make amends,and then write a letter after you pray,ask God for the words and
pour your heart out.Then when you are done,get rid of it
if necessary repeat this step several times it may just have to get better a little at a time
try and see what good you can pack into her life today during this process-think of being of service to her and off your past deeds
in your case,you would be wise to not tell her about those times
I would try and get as willing as possible to make amends,and then write a letter after you pray,ask God for the words and
pour your heart out.Then when you are done,get rid of it
if necessary repeat this step several times it may just have to get better a little at a time
try and see what good you can pack into her life today during this process-think of being of service to her and off your past deeds
New Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 12
some things I have learned in the amends process.
1. Never presume to know exactly how much we have harmed anyone.
2. Let go of any scripts we may have as to what the amend should look like or what the result should be.
3. God does not wear a watch, Commit, take action and he shows up.
4. This is not about us anymore, if our motive is to get free or relief, we are off track, these qualities are natural bi-products of following the spiritual path of selflessness.
5. The most overlooked word in the 12 steps is ALL, as in made direct amends to them ALL.
1. Never presume to know exactly how much we have harmed anyone.
2. Let go of any scripts we may have as to what the amend should look like or what the result should be.
3. God does not wear a watch, Commit, take action and he shows up.
4. This is not about us anymore, if our motive is to get free or relief, we are off track, these qualities are natural bi-products of following the spiritual path of selflessness.
5. The most overlooked word in the 12 steps is ALL, as in made direct amends to them ALL.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
The most important lesson i learned in doing amends is listen to your sponsor who would have been through all this and done all this before and do what they say...dont try and figure it out by yourself...honestly it makes the whole process a lot more smooth, faster and more effective:-)
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