Reopening Emotional Wounds
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Reopening Emotional Wounds
Yes, the reopening of emotional wounds. I did keep my lists from my Step 4 Inventory upon suggestion of my sponsor. Making me aware I would need it for Step 8.
"Faith without works is dead." We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self- appraisal.”
And I return to the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book.
“STEPS Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relations.
First, we take a look backward and try to discover
where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt
to repair the damage we have done; and third, having
thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how,
with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop
the best possible relations with every human being we
know.” Quoted from 12x12, Step 8, 1st para, page 77.
So I have to go over the wreckage of my past and everyone I have harmed that was in the path of my destruction. Again I need humility and willingness. I have to redouble my efforts to see how many people I have hurt and in what ways I have done so.
“But if a willing start is made, then the great advantages of doing this will so quickly reveal themselves that the pain will be lessened as one obstacle after another melts away.” Quoted from 12x12, Step 8, bottom p.77 top p.78.
To me, it was embarrassing to tell another human being the nature of my wrongs, although it was something I needed to do. Now I have to come face to face with people I have harmed and tell them I’m sorry and ask for forgiveness. It was not something I would want to do, but had to be willing to do. It would take humility.
“We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole pattern of our lives. Thoroughness, we have
found, will pay— and pay handsomely.” Quote from 12x12, Step 8, p80 bottom of second para.
“To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result
of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional,
or spiritual damage to people. If our tempers are consistently bad, we arouse anger in others. If we lie or cheat, we deprive others not only of their worldly goods, but of their emotional security and peace of mind. We really
issue them an invitation to become contemptuous and vengeful. If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind.
Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full catalogue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others. What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of
minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others—the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics
difficult and often unbearable could be extended almost indefinitely. When we take such personality traits as these into shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused
at home.” Quoted from 12x12, Step 8, p80 last para and p81 1st para.
And this gives me a good start on harms I have done.
I must remember that yes, some of these people have done me harm. So if I want to ask for forgiveness, I have to forgive.
An example for me was my father. I’m not listing what harm he caused me, but I had to forgive him and mean it, from my heart, before I could even think of asking him to forgive me for the harm I had brought upon him.
Fears, I will always have fears. But I do believe, if God brought me to it, He will guide me through it.
Harry
"Faith without works is dead." We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self- appraisal.”
And I return to the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions book.
“STEPS Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relations.
First, we take a look backward and try to discover
where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt
to repair the damage we have done; and third, having
thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how,
with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop
the best possible relations with every human being we
know.” Quoted from 12x12, Step 8, 1st para, page 77.
So I have to go over the wreckage of my past and everyone I have harmed that was in the path of my destruction. Again I need humility and willingness. I have to redouble my efforts to see how many people I have hurt and in what ways I have done so.
“But if a willing start is made, then the great advantages of doing this will so quickly reveal themselves that the pain will be lessened as one obstacle after another melts away.” Quoted from 12x12, Step 8, bottom p.77 top p.78.
To me, it was embarrassing to tell another human being the nature of my wrongs, although it was something I needed to do. Now I have to come face to face with people I have harmed and tell them I’m sorry and ask for forgiveness. It was not something I would want to do, but had to be willing to do. It would take humility.
“We can go far beyond those things which were superficially wrong with us, to see those flaws which were basic, flaws which sometimes were responsible for the whole pattern of our lives. Thoroughness, we have
found, will pay— and pay handsomely.” Quote from 12x12, Step 8, p80 bottom of second para.
“To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result
of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional,
or spiritual damage to people. If our tempers are consistently bad, we arouse anger in others. If we lie or cheat, we deprive others not only of their worldly goods, but of their emotional security and peace of mind. We really
issue them an invitation to become contemptuous and vengeful. If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind.
Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full catalogue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous, or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention upon one member of the family and neglect the others. What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of
minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others—the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics
difficult and often unbearable could be extended almost indefinitely. When we take such personality traits as these into shop, office, and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused
at home.” Quoted from 12x12, Step 8, p80 last para and p81 1st para.
And this gives me a good start on harms I have done.
I must remember that yes, some of these people have done me harm. So if I want to ask for forgiveness, I have to forgive.
An example for me was my father. I’m not listing what harm he caused me, but I had to forgive him and mean it, from my heart, before I could even think of asking him to forgive me for the harm I had brought upon him.
Fears, I will always have fears. But I do believe, if God brought me to it, He will guide me through it.
Harry
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
I took my list from step 4 also which is good since I had done a deep 4th step.
A lot of my list came from my sex harms.I went thru my 4th step and then prayed and I saw I needed to add a few more names.
My sponsor had me make 3 lists
1-ones nearest me like family
2-ones which took a little effort to find and make
3-and the ones I may not or I would not ever be able to make direct f2f amends like strangers,people who had passed away etc
On my first 6 amends,he wanted me to read steps 8 & 9 from the big book with the person in mind I was to make amends to as I read.Then,after prayer,go make the amends.My sponsor wanted me to start with those closest to me and then it would provide a healing "zone or area" around me.
I wrote a bunch of letters for those on my 3rd list.
The big book don`t say living amends but that is excally what I do at home and with those people closest to me,I change the way I live.Not just for a hour or day,but one day at a time for life.
A lot of my list came from my sex harms.I went thru my 4th step and then prayed and I saw I needed to add a few more names.
My sponsor had me make 3 lists
1-ones nearest me like family
2-ones which took a little effort to find and make
3-and the ones I may not or I would not ever be able to make direct f2f amends like strangers,people who had passed away etc
On my first 6 amends,he wanted me to read steps 8 & 9 from the big book with the person in mind I was to make amends to as I read.Then,after prayer,go make the amends.My sponsor wanted me to start with those closest to me and then it would provide a healing "zone or area" around me.
I wrote a bunch of letters for those on my 3rd list.
The big book don`t say living amends but that is excally what I do at home and with those people closest to me,I change the way I live.Not just for a hour or day,but one day at a time for life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Originally Posted by keepcominback 
Best wishes with this phase of your steps Harry. 
I feared a lot about the Steps but as I started with a sponsor who shared with me how he did the work, it gave me some direction on how to proceed.
After doing the work and a few years on the other side of the work, now that I look at it all, I understand how beneficial all this work is and have a better understanding how to live a better life as a better person.
The 12 Steps are the best thing that has ever come into my life and I am so grateful for them.
Harry
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Harry01854
After doing the work and a few years on the other side of the work, now that I look at it all, I understand how beneficial all this work is and have a better understanding how to live a better life as a better person.
The 12 Steps are the best thing that has ever come into my life and I am so grateful for them.
Harry
The 12 Steps are the best thing that has ever come into my life and I am so grateful for them.
Harry
I remember the first times I heard "life is lived forward but understand backward" (ie - it's understood when we look back upon our experiences). That's brought me a lot of serenity because I always thought I was supposed to understand everything now - which of course I couldn't.
The more I couldn't figure everything out now the more frustrated I'd get, then I'd get mad at myself for being frustrated, equate it all with being irritable/restless/discontent & figure I wasn't working the program "right." So, I'd set out to work it "better" - which to me meant getting a better intellectual understanding of the steps, principles and literature, apply this new knowledge to figure out what was happening now, not figure much uot, get frustrated, wash-rinse-repeat...... lol.
Coming to understand I wouldn't necessarily understand everything now - as I'm living it - was a great relief to me. It allowed me to "turn over" a lot of my perfectionism and to lighten up on myself a lot. Once I started relaxing I found myself snapping out of the numerous ruts I felt I was stuck in. Oddly.... I wasn't really "doing" anything about it either.....it felt like it was just happening all on it's own (thanks God!).
"Letting go" still isn't my strong suit but it's nice to see some progress being made. I wouldn't have ever thought that I'd have found a solution to so many "problems" in life but ceasing the fighting, surrendering, trusting God will provide the answers, and being of service to someone else.
It's truly an amazing deal.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by bballdad
My sponsor had me make 3 lists
1-ones nearest me like family
2-ones which took a little effort to find and make
3-and the ones I may not or I would not ever be able to make direct f2f amends like strangers,people who had passed away etc
He has his sponcees make 4 lists;
1. Those we want to make amends and know where they are
2. Those we want to make amends to but don't know where they are.
3. Those we don't want to make amends to but know where they are.
4. Those we don't want to make amends to and don't know where they are.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I've been listening to the Joe & Charlie BB study (I'm quite a way from step 8 and 9), and their suggestion was to make lists of the people you're already willing to make amends to, the ones you are pretty sure you will be willing to make amends to, the ones you are doubtful about, and the ones you can't imagine ever making amends to. The theory is you start with the easy ones, just so you don't procrastinate forever, and that by the time you finish the first list, the second list will be easier, by the time you do the second you will be more willing to do the third, and finally on to the fourth.
For someone like me, who has trouble getting started, that plan sounds like it might work the best.
For someone like me, who has trouble getting started, that plan sounds like it might work the best.
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