It's a heartache...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
It's a heartache...
I haven't been very active here lately. I have no energy to read anything. I'm still in the exact same place I was before.
I saw them again yesterday... while driving through town. There she was, sitting in the seat I always sat in next to him. It's unbelievable how bad it stings. I'm wondering when things will get easier, and I'm beginning to think it's going to be a long, long time.
How pathetic can I be, to still be stuck on this guy? I feel absolutely ridiculous that I can't let go. He wasn't even single for a short time. HE REPLACED ME IMMEDIATELY. This is the second time I have seen them, and it SUCKS. The pain is unbearable. I feel so alone. I have little friends.
I still cry non-stop. I just can't take it anymore. I have zero energy to even do anything anymore. I just sulk around all the time...
And all I want to know is.. WHO IS SHE? WHY IS SHE BETTER THAN I AM? WHY DOES HE WANT HER? WHY DOES HE NOT LOVE ME? I feel so dang pathetic...
I just wish I could forget him, and I can't. I can't. I can't. I have no interest in other guys, and I'm so damn alone. I'm tired of being lonely. I want to be held.. I want HIM to hold me... not her. Ugh.
I just needed an outlet.. Thanks for reading.
I saw them again yesterday... while driving through town. There she was, sitting in the seat I always sat in next to him. It's unbelievable how bad it stings. I'm wondering when things will get easier, and I'm beginning to think it's going to be a long, long time.
How pathetic can I be, to still be stuck on this guy? I feel absolutely ridiculous that I can't let go. He wasn't even single for a short time. HE REPLACED ME IMMEDIATELY. This is the second time I have seen them, and it SUCKS. The pain is unbearable. I feel so alone. I have little friends.
I still cry non-stop. I just can't take it anymore. I have zero energy to even do anything anymore. I just sulk around all the time...
And all I want to know is.. WHO IS SHE? WHY IS SHE BETTER THAN I AM? WHY DOES HE WANT HER? WHY DOES HE NOT LOVE ME? I feel so dang pathetic...
I just wish I could forget him, and I can't. I can't. I can't. I have no interest in other guys, and I'm so damn alone. I'm tired of being lonely. I want to be held.. I want HIM to hold me... not her. Ugh.
I just needed an outlet.. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I'm sorry Jenny. I know your pain, and you're not pathetic. Maybe you've come to a place in your life where your higher power wants you to walk through the pain instead of around it. Maybe after other breakups, you'd find a quick replacement or geographical cure, or had some other way of dealing with it. But this time, you're walking through it and dealing with it for real.
She's his next victim. She's better than you because she doesn't know about his problems yet or doesn't say anything about them. He wants her because he can't be alone with himself and look at who he is and she hasn't made him look at who he is yet. He doesn't love you because he can't when he doesn't even love himself.
You will get through this Jenny.
Originally Posted by Jenny1232 
WHO IS SHE? WHY IS SHE BETTER THAN I AM? WHY DOES HE WANT HER? WHY DOES HE NOT LOVE ME?
You will get through this Jenny.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
(((HUGS))), shame girl, there is not a lot to say... except only time will heal, you really need to spend time healing your own pain and when the time is right you will know, you will be like an emerging butterfly, taking its new wings and taking flight, this will be the day when you will see the world in rainbow colours with lots of warm love and friendship, be good to yourself!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
I'm wondering when things will get easier, and I'm beginning to think it's going to be a long, long time.
If you keep doing (and thinking) what you have always done (and thought), you will keep getting what you have always gotten. This is why it's sometimes so hard to explain to people who are new here that we are not saying "leave." (At least not usually) What we are saying is, if you want things to change, you have to change.
You left him because he was an abusive, lying, alcoholic. Now you are pining for him. You may want to ask yourself what you find so attractive about abusive, lying, alcoholics.
I fear if you don't ask yourself some tough questions, and give yourself some honest answers, you may end up with another one just like him. Do you have a therapist you can explore these things with? Mine was a great help to me.
L
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 77
She's not better than you, she's just the new enabler. The fact that it took him such a short period of time to find someone new speaks volumes about him.
Look at it this way. She's going to have to deal with all his bull now, not you. You've been given an opportunity for release from the ties of an alcoholic, and she's played a part in that.
There are 6 billion people on earth. You have other choices, and you have a gap now to exercise those choices.
I hope I'm not coming across as flippant.
Look at it this way. She's going to have to deal with all his bull now, not you. You've been given an opportunity for release from the ties of an alcoholic, and she's played a part in that.
There are 6 billion people on earth. You have other choices, and you have a gap now to exercise those choices.
I hope I'm not coming across as flippant.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You left him because he was an abusive, lying, alcoholic. Now you are pining for him. You may want to ask yourself what you find so attractive about abusive, lying, alcoholics
I am beginning to think it was because that is exactly what my father was.
But, maybe for you it is another issue.
You are trying to get blood from a stone Jenny, problem is, the more you grind, the more of your blood, sweat and tears you will shed. He has moved on.
Beth
Do you want to join The Damn Book Club? It is about A Journey into Healing from Abandonment. Written by Susan Anderson.
Last edited by wicked; 08-11-2010 at 12:43 PM. Reason: added emphasis
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
I can't offer any advice to those dealing with alcoholics; I'm still figuring out how to handle my own AW.
I can, however, offer some perspective on a broken heart. It's a cliche, I know, but time does ease the pain. How long it takes depends on how deep the wound, and how quickly you find something or someone else to fill that hole in your life.
I went through a painful, humiliating breakup over 30 years ago, and I was despondent for months. I hated myself and everyone else. What helped me get past it was taking up a new hobby... which gave me something else to obsess over and fill my time.
Eventually, I was able to let her go... even though I still think about her from time to time. Today, I look at my AW, slumped down in an alcoholic stupor, and wonder "What if?" But it's really more like dull regret than pain. If my current situation weren't so dysfunctional, I'd probably never even think about the girl I lost all those years ago.
Hang in there; you can make it.
I can, however, offer some perspective on a broken heart. It's a cliche, I know, but time does ease the pain. How long it takes depends on how deep the wound, and how quickly you find something or someone else to fill that hole in your life.
I went through a painful, humiliating breakup over 30 years ago, and I was despondent for months. I hated myself and everyone else. What helped me get past it was taking up a new hobby... which gave me something else to obsess over and fill my time.
Eventually, I was able to let her go... even though I still think about her from time to time. Today, I look at my AW, slumped down in an alcoholic stupor, and wonder "What if?" But it's really more like dull regret than pain. If my current situation weren't so dysfunctional, I'd probably never even think about the girl I lost all those years ago.
Hang in there; you can make it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
I'm still in the exact same place I was before.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jenny, hon, you got this song stuck in my head ALL DAY so you are hereby required to listen to this song all the way through to the end :O)
YouTube - ‪BONNIE TYLER ~IT'S A HEARTACHE~‬‎
Everything is gonna' be OK Jen. You are GOING TO get through this.
YouTube - ‪BONNIE TYLER ~IT'S A HEARTACHE~‬‎
Everything is gonna' be OK Jen. You are GOING TO get through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Glad you checked in Jenny. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time letting go of such an awful relationship. Really, you probably know this, but he's just a symptom of your dis-ease, just like drugs are just a symptom of an addicts disease. Until we deal with what's inside, we can't fix what's happening on the outside.
Are you still going to your therapist? What's your she/he saying about all this? This such a long time to be so depressed. it fits the definition of chronic. Maybe your therapist can recommend a psychiatrist to help you adjust your medications... or perhaps, if you aren't taking them yet, it's time to give something a try...
Are you still going to your therapist? What's your she/he saying about all this? This such a long time to be so depressed. it fits the definition of chronic. Maybe your therapist can recommend a psychiatrist to help you adjust your medications... or perhaps, if you aren't taking them yet, it's time to give something a try...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
I went through this same thing when I broke up with my ex ABF. He found someone immediatly. A drug user just like him.
Even though I had ended it I was in so much pain and cried all the time. I finally had to ask myself some serious questions.
Would I feel this much pain if he was not with someone else?
Why did I still want to be with someone that was awful to me?
Is this what abandonment feels like? Even though I made him leave, he left because he chose drugs over me? I was abandoned for drugs (or atleast that is what it felt like in the beginning until I woke up). Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I did not know how to feel about that and drove myself crazy.
Once I started focusing on myself and spending time doing things I enjoyed and working on my relationship patterns was it that I realized that it was not HIM that I missed. It was the DREAM of him. Dream of being with someone, having a relationship with someone.
It will get better but it will take some work on your part before it gets better.
Hang in there.
Even though I had ended it I was in so much pain and cried all the time. I finally had to ask myself some serious questions.
Would I feel this much pain if he was not with someone else?
Why did I still want to be with someone that was awful to me?
Is this what abandonment feels like? Even though I made him leave, he left because he chose drugs over me? I was abandoned for drugs (or atleast that is what it felt like in the beginning until I woke up). Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I did not know how to feel about that and drove myself crazy.
Once I started focusing on myself and spending time doing things I enjoyed and working on my relationship patterns was it that I realized that it was not HIM that I missed. It was the DREAM of him. Dream of being with someone, having a relationship with someone.
It will get better but it will take some work on your part before it gets better.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
(((hug)))). Boy, do I know how you feel. My ex who I was with for well over a decade, left me for another woman.
This woman was a client of ours and when my ex and I both met her, we thought she was a trannie. She talked like a truck driver, was married 3 other times and was truly unappealing.
Well, when I found out my ex was cheating and it was with her I went into TOTAL SHOCK.
Then to add to the drama, I found out she had hiv and my ex knew and he slept with both of us unprotected. How CRAZY is that!
Well this was 10 yrs ago and they are married now.
In the begining, talk about feeling less than. I am tall, in great shape, smart, have looks and he left me for a short trannie with hiv. He was not an addict by the way.
Our common friends would tell me her brought her everywhere we used to go, he bought her a cell phone and she took over my side of the business that I BUILT UP!
He changed the name of OUR business to her and his name. I saw the truck pass and saw the name change. OUCH! And I paid for the truck.
Then since I still stay friends with my ex's sister (was her friend even before I was with him), she would tell me things and man did that burn. She moved in with him almost right away and was caring for MY cats!
The pain was so intense, I thought I was going to die.
It took me a good year to get over all the "ouches" but it took me only 3 months to not feel crazy anymore.
I just woke up one day 3 months into it and said "It's enough, these two monsters do not get anymore of my time"
And that was it. I started to care for me. I took my power back.
My ex came back a few times years later trying to get me back. I think Miss Hiv trannie was getting a little boring.
I laughed at him, he cried, ran back to her and married her.
His worker lives in my best friends street and I have to see my old truck all the time. I see it now and feel nothing.
Listen, this other woman is NOT better than you, she is just another void.
The trick is to keep busy, make friends, join groups, ask people in Al Anon out for a tea or just to talk.
It's not about why you still want a addict, it's about the rejection and rejection makes anyone irrational.
When you accept it and realize it's not rejection, then you will get passed this.
When you want to stop giving him your power, you will flourish!
This woman was a client of ours and when my ex and I both met her, we thought she was a trannie. She talked like a truck driver, was married 3 other times and was truly unappealing.
Well, when I found out my ex was cheating and it was with her I went into TOTAL SHOCK.
Then to add to the drama, I found out she had hiv and my ex knew and he slept with both of us unprotected. How CRAZY is that!
Well this was 10 yrs ago and they are married now.
In the begining, talk about feeling less than. I am tall, in great shape, smart, have looks and he left me for a short trannie with hiv. He was not an addict by the way.
Our common friends would tell me her brought her everywhere we used to go, he bought her a cell phone and she took over my side of the business that I BUILT UP!
He changed the name of OUR business to her and his name. I saw the truck pass and saw the name change. OUCH! And I paid for the truck.
Then since I still stay friends with my ex's sister (was her friend even before I was with him), she would tell me things and man did that burn. She moved in with him almost right away and was caring for MY cats!
The pain was so intense, I thought I was going to die.
It took me a good year to get over all the "ouches" but it took me only 3 months to not feel crazy anymore.
I just woke up one day 3 months into it and said "It's enough, these two monsters do not get anymore of my time"
And that was it. I started to care for me. I took my power back.
My ex came back a few times years later trying to get me back. I think Miss Hiv trannie was getting a little boring.
I laughed at him, he cried, ran back to her and married her.
His worker lives in my best friends street and I have to see my old truck all the time. I see it now and feel nothing.
Listen, this other woman is NOT better than you, she is just another void.
The trick is to keep busy, make friends, join groups, ask people in Al Anon out for a tea or just to talk.
It's not about why you still want a addict, it's about the rejection and rejection makes anyone irrational.
When you accept it and realize it's not rejection, then you will get passed this.
When you want to stop giving him your power, you will flourish!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: ft. lauderdale florida
Posts: 275
Summer peach, my moment is when 1 morning I woke up, got out of bed and ripped the sheet off the window. I had thumb tacked it to 3 months earlier. Look at that; ALL the light came bACK IN. Hearts heal;it just takes time darling.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Well this was 10 yrs ago and they are married now.
I wish I would have gone straight to a psychiatrist or gotten some help. Or something. Changing myself would have been a good thing. But instead I lived in hell for a year. And end up with my next loser boyfriend... the crack addict. The rest is history.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 31
YouTube - Josh Wilson - Before The Morning (Slideshow With Lyrics)
(I hope this song pulls up)
I feel your pain and I ache for you... I have dreams of my ex with his new victim and I don't even know what she looks like. My ex is my first love so I went many years of everything alcoholics put you thru except he never hit me. I ache for his love and the thought of loving another I can't even think about. I don't even want to be touched by another...Move on they say...How can you move on? I can't just hop in someone's arms and forget my first love that lied,cheated,openly had girlfriends and talked to them with me in the same room, spent grocery money, baby formula money on alcohol, hid our vehicles so the repo man couldn't find them, ran out to pay the power co guy with a bad check so they wouldn't turn the power out.. borrowed from Peter to pay Paul..This is the life you have when you love an alcoholic, but we love them so much. We need their love, how dare they love someone else! All I have to do is say the word and he would come back no matter who he is with and he never goes without a women...As much as I love him, I don't deserve the life to be sucked out of me which he did. I would never take him back as much as I love him. What is wrong with us that we would want to be treated like this? It's so crazy and confusing... how can I want someone so much and not want them at the same time? It's such a crazy feeling and I have to give you and I lots of credit for being so strong to stay away because it is the hardest thing in the world to do... Be strong.... I moved to another state to avoid seeing him with another and still miss him but do have to say leaving the area was the best thing for me at least. I wish you the best and keep strong...Don't Give In!
(I hope this song pulls up)
I feel your pain and I ache for you... I have dreams of my ex with his new victim and I don't even know what she looks like. My ex is my first love so I went many years of everything alcoholics put you thru except he never hit me. I ache for his love and the thought of loving another I can't even think about. I don't even want to be touched by another...Move on they say...How can you move on? I can't just hop in someone's arms and forget my first love that lied,cheated,openly had girlfriends and talked to them with me in the same room, spent grocery money, baby formula money on alcohol, hid our vehicles so the repo man couldn't find them, ran out to pay the power co guy with a bad check so they wouldn't turn the power out.. borrowed from Peter to pay Paul..This is the life you have when you love an alcoholic, but we love them so much. We need their love, how dare they love someone else! All I have to do is say the word and he would come back no matter who he is with and he never goes without a women...As much as I love him, I don't deserve the life to be sucked out of me which he did. I would never take him back as much as I love him. What is wrong with us that we would want to be treated like this? It's so crazy and confusing... how can I want someone so much and not want them at the same time? It's such a crazy feeling and I have to give you and I lots of credit for being so strong to stay away because it is the hardest thing in the world to do... Be strong.... I moved to another state to avoid seeing him with another and still miss him but do have to say leaving the area was the best thing for me at least. I wish you the best and keep strong...Don't Give In!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: San Francisco, California
Posts: 36
I would like to suggest he may be just looking for the next "feel good" and it's her. You should try to remember if he's an alcoholic he probably cannot deal with feelings so I don't think you need to think she's so special, better than you, etc etc. She's just there and for some reason thinks he's cool. I hope you get over your pain soon. It gets real messy when you hook up with a guy who you love and he does not return it. Trust me-I know the feeling. I think you should wave like crazy when you see them and smile like you don't have a care in the world. It's games but hey it might really drive him to wonder how you can be so happy so soon! Sorry should not get into your business just trying to get you to feel better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
L2L, that song has been stuck in my head forever.. which was why I had to make it my title. "It ain't right with love to share. When you find he doesn't care for you."
Everyone, thank you so much for these responses. This is exactly what I needed to read.
I know I shouldn't be talking to him, but I've been losing it. I sent him a stupid email, and he responded telling me he was happy and GETTING MARRIED now. It's been ONE month since I last was 'with' him. I'm a slow healer. I torture myself, and I'm not as strong as everyone else to stop. I'm really trying.
I have been going to therapy once a week, with a very qualified psychotherapist. He challenges my beliefs, and he is showing me my self-worth. He hardly knows me, but seems to think I'm smart and hold many false beliefs about myself. It made me excited to see his perception of me, versus my own.
I'm going to have to keep reading everything over and over. It's kind of sad how many times I need things repeated for me. I feel like some days I've made so much progress, and others I feel like I've gone absolutely no where. Thank you for reminding me it's not a reflection of who I am... and that she's there to fill a void.
Rejection.. is exactly what is hurting me so badly. It's one thing I have never been able to handle. I'm unsure how to work through feelings of abandonment. Wiked, I would enjoy the book club. I think I will order the book off of ebay today. I'm a little too late on it, but I can still read everything, and the book. Thank you
Summerpeach, your story saddens me. It shows the true insanity of this all.
Also, I have mentioned medication to my psychologist, and he doesn't seem to keen to put me on it. He seems to think I'm FINE. Well, I'm NOT. He's still new, so we'll see. I really think I may need it. I'm so stuck in a rut.
You guys are so amazing.. now I'm going to re-read everything and try and brighten my day...
Everyone, thank you so much for these responses. This is exactly what I needed to read.
I know I shouldn't be talking to him, but I've been losing it. I sent him a stupid email, and he responded telling me he was happy and GETTING MARRIED now. It's been ONE month since I last was 'with' him. I'm a slow healer. I torture myself, and I'm not as strong as everyone else to stop. I'm really trying.
I have been going to therapy once a week, with a very qualified psychotherapist. He challenges my beliefs, and he is showing me my self-worth. He hardly knows me, but seems to think I'm smart and hold many false beliefs about myself. It made me excited to see his perception of me, versus my own.
I'm going to have to keep reading everything over and over. It's kind of sad how many times I need things repeated for me. I feel like some days I've made so much progress, and others I feel like I've gone absolutely no where. Thank you for reminding me it's not a reflection of who I am... and that she's there to fill a void.
Rejection.. is exactly what is hurting me so badly. It's one thing I have never been able to handle. I'm unsure how to work through feelings of abandonment. Wiked, I would enjoy the book club. I think I will order the book off of ebay today. I'm a little too late on it, but I can still read everything, and the book. Thank you
Summerpeach, your story saddens me. It shows the true insanity of this all.
Also, I have mentioned medication to my psychologist, and he doesn't seem to keen to put me on it. He seems to think I'm FINE. Well, I'm NOT. He's still new, so we'll see. I really think I may need it. I'm so stuck in a rut.
You guys are so amazing.. now I'm going to re-read everything and try and brighten my day...
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