FarawayFromCars

Hello All,

I have a question specifically for recovering alcoholics about relationships within families. First a bit of background:

I am the sister of an alcoholic who has been drinking for 12 + years. She is living with my parents who are supporting her and enable her behavior to continue. She is not in a recovery program. My parents say she is currently "not drinking", but at recent family gatherings it is obvious that she is still drinking and that the parents are heavily in denial.

I have distanced myself from the situation because I cannot help her find sobriety, and it is too painful to watch her self-destruct. I have detached lovingly ("I love you, but I cannot help you beat this; I hope you find your way back someday"). AS says that my reaction is "not supportive" and does not express love towards her. From reading up on the disease and from what I've learned from everyone here, this sounds like something that active addicts will say to turn the focus off of them. I'm fine with letting her false perceptions roll off my back.

My question is about how to be supportive of her when and if she does find recovery. What helped you? What didn't help you (in terms of family member's actions, reactions, attitudes, etc.)?

Still finding my way through this and deciding exactly what kind of relationship I want with AS; right now, it's no relationship because she chooses to drink. She becomes an awful, abusive person when she drinks, and I cannot have that in my life.

But I want to believe that someday she will find a reason to stay sober and I want to be supportive of her if / when that day comes.

Thanks everyone for your honest and candid responses; I have learned so much from all of you.

Tommyh

hi Faraway
my story
my wife attended ala non before I quit drinking.She learned she wasn`t to blame for my drinking and she could not cure or control me.She also learned she had choices which she exercises some of those choices and started getting better while I was getting sicker.Her choices interfered with my drinking and got my attention so to speak.I attended AA on and off for one year,with periods of sobriety.Finally I hit my bottom and got serious.She supported me by helping me make it to meetings,meet with my sponsor and the like.She kept the kids during closed meetings and we both attended our open speaker meetings together.

I was not babied at home and was pretty much held responsible for certain things but it was good to see everyone a little happier that I was doing something about my drinking.
It was not a easy journey for all of us,but we held tight during the rough times and today it is much better,and well worth it.

I would suggest ala non for the family,so the family,or those in the family,who wants it,can get better,because alcoholism is a family disease.My sponsor told me any recovery that don`t involve my family aint`t much recovery,meaning I needed to change and include my family in my life,which I did not do before since they are non alcoholics.

I would not shut the door on your sister,she drinks because she doesn`t have a choice if she is a alcoholic.If she had a choice,she would show up sober sometimes and act better.Your sister is sick,not necessarily just a bad woman.As for abuse,that is your choice as to what you let yourself go thru with her.
I would suggest ala non if you are not currently attending.
I hope the best for you and your family.

yeahgr8

For me i would always end up back at Mums, no matter what i did thats what would happen...it was a vicious circle of me going 'home' for a few months to make money etc then off again to spend it all and back...it sucked for me and my mother im sure...

Finally i ended up blaming her completely as i had beeen to a counselor and they had told me about enabling so very drunk in 2008 i sent her an email with some stuff you cant take back in it to stop that being an option for me...

So then my escape route was gone...the 'crazy' thing is it worked and i knew i had nowhere to go anymore so ended up getting help...obviously i was ready anyway but im still convinced the call of mother would have meant me back there again...shudder...

That sounds really ungrateful lol

Chops

In my opinion your 100% correct, thats I what I did to take the heat off me.

The best thing my family did was that when I sobered up (through AA) was to understand that I had to put AA first, ie. treating my booze problem before anything else. They were very understanding without being able to understand things like 3 meetings in a day when I really had the urge to drink. Or these 12 step calls (helping other drunks) at odd hours, alcothons on holidays (24 hour meetings) and the like.

They bought into the notion that sobriety and my AA program came first. So when your sister does get sober through whatever method or program she finds that works for her I would hope that you understand this is the mechanism through which her life is being saved and it may have to take priority over all else, maybe in big way, at least for a while.

aasharon90

I always heard that when one
in the family is sick, the entire
family is affected, therefore all
to be in some sort of recovery
program would aid in becoming
a healthy family.

My family...husband/in-laws were
the ones who initiated the family
intervention that sent me to rehab
doing for me what i couldnt do
for myself. Getting me the help
I so desparetely needed at that
time in my life.

That set me on the road of recovery
doing whatever i needed to do to
not be separated from my little ones
and spouse.

I spend 28 days in rehab recieving
the tools and knowledge of my
alcoholism with a 6 week outpatiant
tacked on.

I went to many meetings listening
and absorbing all i could in order
to stay sober one day at a time.

My spouse went to several alanon
meeting picking up the word de-
tachment and figure that was
enough help he needed to
understand me....lol...i laughed.

And because of just that i didnt
recieve what i truely needed
from him as a spouse or husband
in my marriage and eventually
ended a 25yr marriage down the
road.

To this day, my little family and
those within my family circle and
friends dont believe i ever had a
problem with alcohol nor think
i am an alcoholic. They assume im
cured and all that is made up in
my mind for attention.


It's truely sad that they decided
to carry on with their busy lives
in which they have done so well
cause they were not the sick ones
in the family and didnt need help
like i did.

I know i cant keep taking their
inventories. Maybe they didnt
need help of a program yet they
didnt truely want to get to know
me as a mom, wife, daughter like
i would have wanted them to.

And soooooo today sadly we have a
distant relationship all around. And
i blame myself cause i keep pushing
them away cause i dont understand
them no more than they dont under-
stand me.

I got sick and tired of trying to
explain my life and changes to
them that i just moved on in my
life and sticking close to my recovery
family here in SR and spouse who
is also in recovery so we understand
each other.

FarawayFromCars

Wow--thank you all for your responses; it helps me so I can better understand her disease and what she is going through. I don't think of her as a bad person--just a sick person who hasn't been able to find her way back yet. And that make me sad because I miss the sister I had before alcoholism took her away. I wish my parents could realize that they ways in which they are choosing to help her might not be best; but...I am also realizing through support like this forum and Al-Anon that I cannot change their decisions any more than I can stop my AS from drinking. All I can change is me; I want to be there for her and encourage her, but when I've tried this in the past, I have become enmeshed in the situation because she was not ready to quit. But I want to learn to support her in the best way I can.
Thank you all...you all are very inspiring, too, in that you are in recovery and I see that AS can do it someday when / if she's ready to.

praiseHim

Wow, this was very helpful and informative.