franklymydear

Hello.

Sorry for the length.

The Why:

I suppose I am wondering why I am writing this. I do feel the need to keep my thoughts down somewhere as I go through this, as my memory, concentration and sense of time are so shot right now. So, I figured, why not with the world? Maybe somebody will do a search one day and be in a similar circumstance and find some benefit.

I should mention first of all that I'm actually going through a double-whammy of withdrawals here, alcohol AND carbohydrates. I did the paleo diet last summer (w/no sugar hard liquor, how wonderful is that?) and even with the drinking I was losing weight, getting stronger, etc. What an amazing summer. I was feeling healthier, motivated, looking towards the future.... and then after a week of cutting out the alcohol, a big party shot it all to hell. Now, I need to get rid of both, so I figured why not go cold turkey on them both at once. I already gave up caffeine months ago (my mind doesn't need any more stimulation!) and I don't have any other major vices.

The Now Story:

31. Evening drinker (355ml liquor + 1-4 beers usually), usually around 9:30 pm till 2-3 am. Started slowly years ago, but built up to the point where it was almost every night except for the odd night or odd stretch when I tried to cut it out.

Tonight will be my third night without drinking, and I'm probably around the 70 hour mark since my last drink (although not since all the alcohol was out of my system, obviously).

I suppose the withdrawal symptoms I'm suffering make complete sense, given that I was taking a depressant before bed (and while sleeping in a sense), so my mind is ramping up the stimulation every night expecting the depressant that is not now coming.

1st Day (after last night drinking): Massively hungover, slept way in, stomach was a mess. Made it easier to not drink because I didn't feel like taking in anything but water (I did eat though, paleo). Was so tired that I tried to sleep at 10 pm (4-5 before normal) but woke up just over an hour later. Couldn't fall back asleep. Read. Mind was racing. Felt my heart pound and palpitate. Took a bath at 2 am to try to calm down. Wracked with anxiety. My old depression and anxiety, which is almost non-existent now, that head state, came flooding back. The feeling of crushing hopelessness with no way out. Terrible! Finally fell asleep 3:30 or 4.

2nd Day: Woke @ 11:30 for work feeling like I hadn't slept at all. Major REM (which makes sense, my mind being boosted). Massively fatigued. Worked a 4 hour shift and surprised myself by not napping. Lifted weights for the first time in months. Stuck to the paleo diet. Felt spacey, hard to concentrate, poor memory. Lack of motivation to do anything I normally like. Still, half positive. Read to 1 am (almost afraid of sleep for fear of bad dreams or waking up an hour later) and then fell asleep. Woke at 2 am. Mind spinning. That long forgotten anxiety and panic flooding back in. Tried meditating, though I haven't in ages. To my surprise it worked, but it was a very fragile state of calm. Mind was calmer, heart was calmer. Rolled over and fell asleep around 3 am or so. Constant wake ups every hour or two. Woke @ 9:30 am for work. Similar to the previous day... massive fatigue, feeling out of it. The major positive note of the day was that I worked up the courage to tell someone I know at work, that I don't actually know very well, but felt that they might understand based on little clues in what they were saying, what I was going through. It was funny how naturally it sort of came into conversation. She's quitting smoking, so it was a great segue. Turns out she's gone through some similar things, worse in some ways. It just feels great to have a non-judgmental person out there who's willing to talk about it and put herself out there for me. And even though I don't know her very well, I trust that she'll keep it to herself, especially after what she told me about her past. We'll see how it goes, but it's nice to not feel completely alone and isolated in this.

Day 3: Well, let's see how this goes. Work 12-9 tomorrow, so I'm not as worried about sleep tonight. If I wake up, so what, read a book and try again.... I hope.

The Backstory:

Maybe I'll fill it in more later, but the short version is: My late teens and early 20's were filled with an ever increasing amount of insecurity, anxiety and depression. Tried medication, and it made it worse. Tried therapists, but nobody seemed to get me, or to challenge me. Got to the point where I had to move home after college and couldn't work. Started drinking, believing it wasn't addictive like other drugs. Tried a couple more schools, moved out west (Canada), felt better about myself, but continued to drink. Was social, like being social, but as an introvert I sometimes find it baffling (how to people make and keep such a huge variety of friends?). The cycle of every night drinking with late night carb food binges and junk eating the following day started. Wracked up debt I'm still struggling to get rid of (one of my biggest goes right now). Moved back east. Moved back west (to where I will most likely stay). Trying to find work to get this debt off my back so I can move on, and cutting out the solo drinking is a major part of that.

Yeah, that's the short version.

Thanks for listening if you got through all that!

Lenina

Welcome, mydear!

SR is a good place for information and support. Great people here who understand and we've all been "there."

It wouldn't be a bad idea to see your doctor about detoxing, and don't to do too much in the beginning. Keep posting!

Love,

Lenina

Dee74

Hi FMD

Welcome aboard
wow - you really go all out - it was all I could do just to focus on the not drinking bit LOL

look forward to hearing more of your story - you'll find a lot of support here

D

Kmber2010

Congrats and welcome to SR You are amongst a supportive community where we all can relate to the highs and lows of addiction.

You are extremely focused on sobriety which is so important. While some days or moments may seem rough....just keep plugging away one day at a time.

I suffered from alcohol induced anxiety/panic attacks so I know to well that bottom of the well - drowning in fear feeling. Just begging it to stop. Once I quit alcohol.....I haven't one massive bout. First few days were rough but I could control the anxiety. Now I do lots of reading again (stopped when I started drinking daily) and I go out and immerse myself in anything positive to take my mind off things.

All the best and look forward to reading about your journey!!

LaVallette

Welcome frankly! Your story rang a bell with me, as it's VERY similar to mine. If you're into paleo, have you looked at Mark Sisson's "Primal Blueprint"? Unlike Cordain's book, which is just the diet, Sisson takes it as a whole lifestyle. I've actually found it beneficial to maintaining my sobriety. Combined the eating plan with Crossfit, and I'm pretty happy with where I am at the moment. I'm coming to believe that the physical, spiritual and emotional/mental all have a part to play in my sobriety and that if I lack on one of them, then the others falter; at least at this early stage.

All the best in your journey, you're NOT alone!

Hevyn

Hello FMD! I'm glad you give a damn, about quitting. (Sorry) I know what you mean when you say it's nice to not feel alone and isolated as you deal with this. When I signed on here in '07 I never dreamed I'd find such comfort and support from people I'd never met. They instantly got me and understood everything I was feeling. A huge burden was lifted from me once I realized I was not that unique or "special". I found the courage to let go of the crutch I'd used all my life.

Keep posting and let us know how you are. We're glad you're here.

Reubena

Welcome to SR

I hope you find it as supportive and helpful as I do. Glad you were able to reach out to a co-worker. That is huge

Keep us posted...

least

Welcome to SR! There is so much support and information here and it's helped me so much. I hope we can help you as well.

coffeenut

Welcome to SR. You'll find lots of strength here. Stick close!

franklymydear

Hey, thanks everyone! I forgot that this thread was started by me and not a reply to a previous thread, so I thought the "instant email notification" was on. I woke up this morning and checked my phone and thought, "Sigh, no replies, well I guess it was late when I posted...". Little did I know.

I've attempted this lots before, usually lasting only a few couple of days, a few 4-5 days and maybe once, a single week. I've gone to the local clinic a couple of times to speak to a doctor (two different ones, walk-in, I don't have a family doctor in this town, yet(?)) and both times they've tossed 10 Ativan/Lorazipam my way and suggested I speak to the mental health unit. No warnings about what might happen, when to go to the hospital, etc. Thanks. I think I might be covered through my work's medical plan for private counselling, so maybe I'll check that out. Therapy hasn't really been useful to me before, but who knows, maybe I'll get something out of it.

Yeah, I'm kind of an all or nothing person. Which can be useful sometimes and other times not so much. ie: If it's not perfect or I'm not giving 100%, nothing gets done. On the plus side, if it does get done, it all gets done at once.

Actually yeah, when I said paleo I should have said paleo/primal. I've been following that circle of blogs (MDA, Free the Animal, Hyperlipid, PaNu, Whole Health Source, Robb Wolf's podcast, etc) for a while now. They're what gave me the big push last summer to try to finally focus on my health. Did low carb at one point (vegetarian at an even early one), but it only finally all connected when I started thinking about it from a unified evolutionary point of view. Getting in touch with my inner-caveman! At any rate, all I have to say is: "Barefoot running". Blew my mind man, can't wait till it's warmer out here!!!

Also, that was one thing that was lacking in my early teen years as well. Grew up going to a Christian church, but never really believed in it. Stopped going early on after asking my parents why we were going there. Was awash for a while, discovered that I was actually an atheist, then in my mid->late 20's developed more of a life philosophy based on a Carl Sagan kind of approach: a wonder of the reality of the universe, combined with the human experience of it. It's been helpful.

So, combine that with the focus on exercising my mind and body the way it was meant/evolved to be used and you do really start to get in touch with yourself.

Anyways, thanks everybody! I just hope I can find the time to get back to some of you in your own posts...

franklymydear

Just a quick post on what I'm doing to try and take the best shot at this.
By try, I do mean try. I just have a checklist of the things I'd like to accomplish. The vitamins are easy, the other's take more effort.

• [*]
• [*]
• [*]
• [*]

So far I've been pretty successful, though they are not habits yet so I must focus!

Not sure if any of it is helping, but I do seem to be doing better this time around so far. At any rate, I don't think it can hurt!

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

franklymydear

Okeee... time for an update. Hard to keep track of time with this brain fog. The days seem both too long and too short. Is that normal?

Been trying to keep track of little things by carrying around a little notebook in my pocket. Speaking of that, I wanted to add that to my list of "what I'm doing" in the above post, but I don't see an edit button anywhere. Are we not allowed to edit previous posts? I was hoping to be able to edit my first post to link to big events/milestones that I post about so newcomers to the thread could jump there.

Anyways, here goes:

Day 4 / Night 3: Let's see, I got to bed around 2, again, after reading. I was really zonked, but like I said, I wanted to stay up and try to get through some of the withdrawal before changing my sleep schedule so I don't sleep for 2 hours and then stay up all night. Another positive note, I slept through the night! From 2-9 I was dead to the world as far as I can tell. From 9-10 I didn't want to get out of bed despite the fact that I realized it probably wasn't going to happen... so, 2-3 naps later it was 10 am and I was getting out of bed. And I didn't even have to work for 2 hours... who'da thunk it. Time for a shower AND breakfast? Actually, I missed something there. I really didn't want to face the light, so I laid there with my eyes closed for about 15 minutes. But hey, I was UP in the morning.

So the day was pretty typical for withdrawal effects, although the head fog and fatigue were markedly less there for a good part of the day. One big difference this time is the lack of irritability, despite the fatigue. Not sure what to pin that on. One thing I was amazed about is that I had to limp home at 7 pm the previous night with a strained hip, but by morning the pain had vanished. Yay for proper food, sleep and healing!

Despite all this, it's not even 11 pm and I feel absolutely, completely zonked again. I have to be up at 8 am tomorrow, so that's fine, I just hope that an earlier bedtime won't backfire. Off Monday, so even if I have to drag through tomorrow, I'll hopefully have some leniency from my mind/body after that.

One caution I have to be aware of as I start to feel better, is that when I have a day where I feel normal, rested, and energetic, the temptation will definitely be there to drink. A good time to maybe hang out with my co-worker who's been so helpful. See, the withdrawal has been so powerful, I've had no desire to drink and almost no desire to start scoffing down candy, chips, ice cream, pizza, etc. It's ironic that once I start feeling less of the withdrawal effects, I'll probably start feeling those cravings again.

One step at a time though.

That's all you're getting out of me today. Here's to the morning! (<< Oh, and that's decaf green tea with a couple tbsps of heavy cream...)

franklymydear

Pffffssssshhheeeeeewwwwww! Unexpected 90 minute evening nap = good nights sleep fail. So glad I'm off tomorrow.

Just want to say first that by making it through tonight without drinking I've beaten my previous attempt back in March. The all time record was last August when I went 5 nights without drinking, so if I can make it through tomorrow night I'll have set an all time record since it turned into a nightly habit.

In case you started reading here, I am in withdrawal from both carbohydrates (I'm eating a paleo diet) and alcohol.

Day 5 / Night 4: Despite feeling better yesterday (less fatigue and brain fog during the day), I found myself absolutely crippled after work and wanting to go to bed at 10 pm. I was loathe to do so, fearful that I'd wake up at midnight, unable to fall asleep before waking up at 8:30 am for my next shift. It's like the window of feeling more normal got better, but shorter. So I held on as long as I could, repeating basically the same night as before (video games, this journal, reading, sleep). Was sleeping by ... hmm... 1 am? Which meant the same amount of sleep I've been getting since this experiment began: about 7 and a half hours.

Woke up at 8:30 for work, absolutely zonked again of course. The curse is that I feel even worse in a lot of ways than going in hungover. Going in hungover I was tired, sure, but it was a different kind of tired, not a deep down to the bones kind of weariness. I absolutely hate going into work looking worse than when I was even my most hungover and unrested. No bags under the eyes, but deep dark circles and to my shock, red puffy marks below that. I've NEVER had red puffy marks below my eyes. Makes me so self-conscious.

On the diet side I can tell that my body is starting to switch over to using fats (the ones I put in my mouth and the ones in my body) for energy; I'm peeing like a diabetic, haha. Actually a good sign as my body is dumping muscle glycogen (glucose bound with water), so it's grasping at the last carb straws. Starting last night and today the main change was that I'm feeling so dehydrated, no matter how much I drink. Dry lips, dehydrated feeling mind/skin/etc. This too shall pass.

The strangest thing is that while I had periods of feeling very much more normal today, the window for that "normalness" was much shorter than in other days. That is, I spent a greater part of the day feeling extremely fatigued and out of it, but in the period that I felt better, I felt much better. I have a feeling that I need more than 7.5 hours of sleep a night for a while, although my brain chemistry and schedule haven't really permitted it. Absolutely needed a nap after work which turned into 90 minutes, so we'll see how sleep goes tonight. Looking forward to a nice hot shower, which I found incredibly soothing last night.

That brings me to my early post about a danger zone that I will shortly face. That is, that I will have a day where I don't feel completely fatigued, and that's when the first real craving could come. Even today when I was at the peak of feeling "normal" (or at least what I remember normal feeling like) the was the tiniest tickling in the very recesses of my mind.

Okay, positives:

• Sleeping through the night
• Night anxieties appear to be minimized
• More clarity and less fatigue during the day
• Desiring to actually accomplish hobbies again (guitar, website, etc)
• Stuck to eating plan
• Stuck to supplements
• Minimal pounding heart and palpitations (almost forgot!)
• Mind is slowing down a bit. Still a little noisy in there though.

Onward and upward. That is all...

Richard54

Hey frankly sounds like you're doing very well with 5 days. Good job!
You should start really feeling much better very soon. You'll be sleeping better, the puffiness will disappear and your skin will start looking better.
Just don't pick up that first drink. Do whatever you have to in the 'danger zone' but just don't drink, one day at a time.

artsoul

I'm just a day or two behind you, frankly, and you're describing my experience to a T. I keep wondering how I can feel so exhausted during the day and still unable to sleep well at night. Thank goodness these are temporary and relatively minor in the scheme of things. I also know the fear of "what happens when I feel good, even a little hyped up?" In the past, I've felt as though having w/d symptoms behind me meant I was ready to drink again. But we've got to keep on keeping on, even when those thoughts stab us from out of nowhere. As Marianne Williamson once said, "I can't keep the birds from flying around my head, but I can keep them from building a nest in my hair!"

These past few days, I've realized that I often assume the future will be bad somehow. I'm trying now to entertain the possibility that I might be wrong about that. It might be OK, it might even be good. I sure won't know, though, if I continue drinking.

Best of luck and congratulations on your sobriety! It's helped me alot to read your posts.

franklymydear

Hey thanks a lot, guys.

Each day seems to be a bit better (or at least different!). I haven't been on a 16 hour day, 8 hour night schedule in a long time (ever?), so I'm not expecting miracles or anything! I'm just thankful for the next few days off (well, mostly).

Quite paradoxically frustrating, eh? It can be a huge source of aggravation and uncertainty (how long is this going to last?), something I really felt last time around. This time, not as much, thankfully.

Actually, part of what tripped off some depression and anxiety a couple of days before I quit was reading a book called The Vegetarian Myth. Really a book that everyone should read, but what it really touched on is the whole destructive force of agriculture, peak oil, soil erosion, water shortages, etc. Stuff I've been aware of for a long time, but never really faced out of fear.

Depressing. Thoughts of... why bother to continue if civilization is doomed? Pretty heavy stuff. And this was a couple of days BEFORE I finally quit. No wonder I was filled with that old lost anxiety.

Course the flip side is, why not try to live life to the fullest, while remaining educated and open to the possibilities and ways of dealing with the potential problems I might face in my lifetime due to these global issues. And, how would you do that when you're either drunk or hungover?

I couldn't think of a rational reason to choose one or the other approaches, other than, well, making a choice. And I'd rather choose the one that takes positive action.

At least, that's how I feel now. I'll have to articulate it more once this brain fog goes away.

That's another frustrating aspect. I'm used to being able to thread and weave my thoughts and knowledge together, and learn new things and apply them, but with this brain fog I feel mostly like a zombie, good only for TV and videogames.

Sigh.

This too shall pass. (Hopefully.)

franklymydear

And the days go ever on...

Day 6 / Night 5: Day off. More of the same. Slow improvement in fatigue and clarity, but still, I don't feel as "myself" as even days after drinking. Probably stayed up later than I should have last night... reading, of course (The Matarese Circle, not bad). Probably went to bed around 2:30 or so. Same pattern followed. Woke up to pee a couple of hours later, then slept for a total of 8 hours, with lots of tired, dehydrated wake-ups for the last hour. Probably half alcohol withdrawal, and half carbohydrate withdrawal. Pretty lazy day off with eating, drinking lots of water. Not much else to say outside of the positives below. Onward and upward...

Positives:

• Lifted weights.
• Took supplements.
• Followed eating plan.
• Not only played guitar, but came up with some stuff!
• Haven't touched my credit cards since I quit.

Also, I could seriously use a solid bowel movement! Sorry folks, but it's true!

On a better ending note... tonight marks the longest stretch without alcohol since I started being an every-nighter. HUZZA!!!

Dee74

congratulations FMD - keep it up - things should start to get better pretty soon...in all respects...

D

franklymydear

Oh, I do hope so! Despite the fairly smooth sailing so far, I'm keeping myself aware of the fact that there will definitely be some bumps in the road. They will undoubtedly sneak up on me, but as long as I'm expecting them, eyes wide open...