franklymydear

Today marks the longest number of nights I have gone without alcohol since I started an every-evening habit.

Night 6, Day 7: Very tired/fatigued again last night of course, but got to bed about 7hr30m before I had to get up for work, again. After reading, again.

Despite waking up twice to pee (still pouring out the water like a sieve) I had one of the best nights of sleep I've had since starting this whole experience. Of course, still waking up tired, but not nearly as bad, and the dark circles and puffiness have lessened. I suppose I should mention that I took a "sleep-calm" tablet before going to bed. Contained L-theanine 100mg, 5-HTP 15mg and 1.5mg Melatonin. I wanted to get my hands on pure L-theanine or GABA, but I don't have the cash, time, or availability in this small mountain "city" of 9000 people.

Remember that "window" I was talking about? A window of clarity during the day that seemed to be shortening, but improving in quality? Well, the trend seems to be continuing. I had a few hours today of feeling absolutely great. Not 100%, but I was in such a great mood, almost busting with energy (and inching towards that danger zone), but a short couple of hours later, was exhausted and wanting a nap again. Very strange. I hope once the "window" peaks, it'll start lengthening.

One great thing was that my 4 hour shift at work today absolutely FLEW by, and the little things that would bug me (co-workers, the horrible lite-rock radio station, etc) didn't even phase me. I was in a good mood during my entire shift and even a couple of hours afterwards while I was doing errands (that I actually had motivation to do).

So, being that my biggest issues seem to revolve around being overstimulated by sleep, I think I've seen a lot of improvement in (nearly) a week.:

• Heart still beats a little too prevelantly, but the palpitations and pounding (which never felt like anxiety, but more just like overstimulation) have lessened dramatically. To the point of being able to mostly ignore it when going to sleep.
• The racing mind has quieted down. It's a lot more quiet in there and I have no doubt that meditation practice would improve that further. Might try to meditate after I'm done here.
• The constant repeating "lite-rock" music that was always in my head, all day, when going to sleep and upon wakening, has also been dramatically reduced. I'm able to think a little more clearly without the noise.
• No more night sweats.
• No more night anxieties/panic.
• If I do wake up, even to walk to the bathroom and back, I'm able to fall back asleep successfully.
• Fewer wake-ups during the night.

On to the positives!:

• Lost 6 pounds in 7 days (down to 194.5 from 200.5). Granted, some of this is water-weight, which I'm fine with. My stomach looks visiblely less bloated. Some of that is definitely fat because I've been only able to eat 1300-1800 calories a day (based on hunger).
• Stuck to eating plan.
• Work was a BREEZE!
• Really enjoyed getting back into guitar again, and picking up my DSLR and taking some creative food shots.
• Just one of the best days yet!

Some potential warnings though:

• During work when feeling my most "clear", I had heaps of energy, and there was almost a desire to slow it all down (even though it was enjoyable), by drinking. No craving, but the thoughts were definitely passing through my mind.
• Because I have so much brain fog, it's had a hand in quieting down my mind. Troubling thoughts may still start showing up once I reach a good level of clarity and the fatigue has lessened even more.

My biggest frustration is still the mental fog and lack of clarity. I feel so useless! I'm learning some 3D animation software (notice I've already mentioned 3 or 4 other hobbies, sounds like a lot of people out there) and I find it hard to even read/focus on the text in the tutorial. Not to mention I'm afraid of it being a waste of time due to the impaired memory. Here's hoping it continues to improve. I hates it!

So as for the rest of today (it's 6 pm): Hopefully I'm going to be meditating for 20 minutes or so. I will probably have one more small meal (tuna salad most likely). Going to try to do another section of the 3D modelling tutorial. And the rest of the time just try to relax. Too fatigued to even consider drinking, considering the earlier energy and passing thoughts I was having.

Onward and upward.

franklymydear

One quick additional note about switching to a more paleo diet:

I have slightly damaged/receeded gums on my canine teeth. When drinking and eating craploads of carby junk food, I can't stick my nail onto the exposed part of the tooth without wincing in pain. After less than a week of switching to paleo, I can literally SCRATCH it with my nail and not feel any pain. (Also, no scummy feeling on my teeth).



This makes perfect sense to me. The rest of the body has measures to heal damage, why not the mouth? Our mouths can contain something like 71 different kinds of bacteria. By cutting out the sugars, I'm not feeding the bad ones, and the beneficial ones can proliferate. The same thing happens in your intestines/stomach/bladder/etc. This is also why I'm probably going to switch over to brushing just with a toothbrush or possibly a little bit of baking soda shortly and see how that goes. Dental appointment in a few months. We'll see what the review is!

least

Feels good to feel good again, doesn't it?

artsoul

Hey Frankly - I'm right behind ya! Reading your daily posts, I can tell how I'm going to feel the next day! I finally got a good sleep last night myself, but my brain is so fuzzy, when I go back and read some of the posts I wrote (sober) and it's hard to remember writing them. yikes. The whole memory thing is something that helped motivate me to quit drinking (among 100 other reasons I finally owned up to). For example: A few times when I've been driving, I forgot which switch controls the wiper on my car and which one controlls the headlights. Stuff like that - and it's a really strange feeling. I used to be very cerebal myself (especially spiritual stuff), but it's been a long time since I engaged in any deep thinking. I'm sure I used alcohol for it's ability to calm my frantic/complex thoughts, but I didn't really want to forget how to tie my shoes.....

The other thing you talked about was the returning energy and how it triggers you. And that is SO me. I'm always looking to alter/enhance/subdue my mood. I guess we just have to find a way to have that energy plus feel some kind of inner peace at the same time. Let me know if you come up with a solution. (I've tried meditation a number of times - drives me crazy).

Congratulations on making it this far, by the way! Keep up the good work!

franklymydear

Short update, ugh. I don't know what is going on here. At around 9 pm last night I just suddenly felt the most tired and the most mental fog I've felt since I started this whole thing. I was afraid of waking up after a couple of hours, so I stayed up until about midnight. Slept till around 10 am and within an hour or so was feeling cripplingly tired again. Like... I want to go to sleep and I probably will. Thankfully it was enough time to make breakfast but I absolutely CANNOT concentrate on anything and all I can think about is how tired I am.

Why would this happen after a solid week of improvement?

(I did also lose 2 pounds since yesterday morning, so maybe that has something to do with it... :P)

Anna

Hi FMD,

I think you will find that the road to recovery is definitely not a straight line. It's filled with bumps and ups and downs. I wonder if you talked to your dr before you stopped drinking. One thing I found was that I had neglected my health during the three years that I was drinking. I paid very little attention to my physical health. So, when I began to recover, I had quite a bit of catching up to do with my dr and I noticed various aches and pains that I hadn't noticed before.

Be patient with your body as it heals and know that you are doing the right things by eating well, taking supplements and resting.

artsoul

Having the same ups and downs too, frankly. Have you tried any B vitamin supplements? Also, if you tend to be borderline anemic (like I am) a good iron supplement helps too. Hang in there - I know it will get better for both of us. Besides, if we were really hungover, we'd be in the bed anyway.....?!?

franklymydear

Small update. So, I woke up at 10am, then crashed asleep at 2 pm or so... slept until almost 4 and got up, felt better. Did errands, can't believe it's 7 pm! Maybe I should just sleep when my body wants to sleep for now... insomnia be damned!

Thanks for the applause. Getting there...! Getting there!

Yeah, I went to the local clinic. I don't have a family doctor, so it was walk-in. Even though he could see on my chart that I had attempted this nearly a year ago (and was simply prescribed some Lorazipam/Ativan then), he just did the exact same thing (10 Ativan). I used them up before this current attempt (for 1 or 2 day quits). I am getting a few blood markers checked, but that was about it, other then him wanting me to see a therapist. I mean, fine, might be useful and it'll probably be covered by my employer, but it's my physical/brain health I'm worried about right now, right!

Oh well. I know what I need to do to be healthy (eating real food, taking some supplements, see my earlier post) and exercising. And I've already gotten through a lot of the hellish aspects of withdrawal on my own.

Thanks!

Yeah, I'm taking a B100 every day. I have a list of what I'm taking in this post. I'm almost definitely not anaemic. Even during my biggest alcohol/carb blow-outs (days with 4000-6000 calories!) I was still getting plenty of iron.

I guess you are right, too. What I really have to learn is to put that energy to good, focused use and Get Things Done. Something I've never really been good at, because I haven't tried, is DOING. I've always found a way to distract myself, and I'm not sure why.

This sounds so completely obvious when you say it, but it's only been a recent revelation to me: Doing is simply a habit like anything else. Ironically the only way of getting in the habit of doing is to simply do, do, do. Like any other habit it gets better with practice. As adults, with nobody around kicking our ass into gear to do what we want to do, it can be difficult to slap ourselves in the face and just sit down and DO IT. But one of my motto's has become, "Nothing gained without sacrifice", and that can come in many forms... money, time, discomfort (mind or body), etc. The amount of sacrifice can vary, and you have to choose the level you're comfortable with, or can handle!

I don't know if I really believe in "motivation". What is "motivation" other than a reason?... and I have all the reason in the world to accomplish the things I want to accomplish. What I don't have is the habit.

Can you elaborate on how meditation was driving you crazy?

Take care! (Sorry I haven't been posting on your thread, or anyone elses for that matter... little energy to go around!)

artsoul

Hi Frankly! As far as meditation goes, there are a couple reasons why I didn't stick to it after many attempts. I was trying to get to a certain point (of the empty mind) and 1) I think I was a little apprehensive about what would "happen" if I acheived it and 2) I have alot of OCD thinking, racing and persistent thoughts, which made it really difficult. I also tried guided meditation a few times (go to a beautiful place, etc.) and didn't relate to that. The closest I get to a peaceful meditative state is when I'm walking and sometimes when I'm painting. But in both cases I am simply relaxed and open, rather than trying to calm (i.e. fight) the brain noise. Don't know if I explained that thoroughly? Also did breath work once a long time ago, which was pretty heavy meditation, and had an interesting experience, but I don't know if I really was meditating.......

I hope your energy returns soon. I had plans to get things done today and pooped out mid afternoon. oh well!

franklymydear

1) Nothing happens. That's the best part! Actually, what I find when it finally "clicks" is that the darkness in front of my eyes kind of feels more... open. Look looking out into a completely dark room.

2) That's all the reason to do it! Well, maybe when you've got less on your mind.

That said, I think everybody can do it, but it's definitely harder for some.

Personally I keep it dirt simple. Close my eyes, keep moving my attention back to my breathing to matter how often my mind strays (patience, practice) and use some kinda of "mantra". IT can be anything. Most of the time the "mantra" I repeat is simply the sound I think my breathing is making.

Anyways... "OH WELL" as you said is a pretty good approach right now. Shrug your shoulders and move on!

franklymydear

Night 7, Day 8: Well, I am officially, officially here. The longest stretch without my evening drinking habit and it's late enough that I'll be tacking on another day!

So as my earlier message alluded, today was a bit all over the place. It was weird how quickly and early my energy crashed. I was flat out bleary-eyed sleepy by 9 pm, but just couldn't bring myself to go to bed, again for fear of waking up at 11 or 12 and being wide awake. Slept at around midnight. I took another one of those Sleep-Ease things last night (melatonin, 5-HTP, L-Theanine) and when I got up to pee halfway though the night (still losing water like mad) I definitely felt a little groggy. Still, I got back to sleep easily. Slept 10 hours (!), thankfully no work, but even then I was so completely POOPED when I got up.

After struggling to do anything besides cook breakfast, check my mail and return a movie, I decided to crash into bed at around 2 pm. Slept 2 hours, till 4, and then got up. Felt... not too bad actually. Eventually I made a small meal (fried smoked ham and broccoli with butter), a second dinner (tuna salad with veggies) and even lifted weights. Despite my lack of energy, getting OFF MY ASS and lifting was the thing to do. My mood was SO boosted. Actually, I'm a little worried about sleep.

Other than that, same as always. Little fatigued, still lots of brain fog and memory issues... but the day actually turned out really good.

Here's the big thing ... I am really really feeling like I don't want to erode the progress I've made. I think this is why it was such a good thing to do everything at once... go paleo and start weight lifting. I mean, I've lost around 8 pounds already and I don't doubt that in another week I'll be into the 180's... something I haven't seen in maybe 6 months or longer. Drinking would lead to carb loading would lead to massive weight gain and I'd have to do it all over again.

Not to mention I've already been through a week of this withdrawal... half the reason I'm writing this journal, so I'll have something to look back on and remind myself of this time. And to add to that, the week before I quit I was feeling really annoyed and frustrated with the fact that all I was going to be doing was sitting there doing nothing, and drinking myself down to the point where I could pass out in bed. At least I'm sitting here doing nothing sober...haha. No, but really, I've already been more productive. I'd be MORE productive if this mental fog would just go away and I could concentrate.

Anyways... onto the positives:

• Gave in and slept when I absolutely could not function without it. At least I think this is a positive? Guess we'll find out!
• Stuck to eating plan.
• Down 8 pounds and 1.5 inches on my waist in a week, while eating REAL FOOD.
• Lifted weights.
• Was totally planning on going out and being sober social at a bonfire. Damn the rain (this time).
• Surprised myself on guitar and singing.

Suppose that's it. Bunch of other stuff was written in the in-between posts.

Onward and upward.

(Slight addition about feeling good and "up"... if I were to let my fingers run on that topic I suppose I might say that part of me has trouble just "letting go". Unlike some people when I'm out drinking, no matter how much I've had, I'm always coherent and "in control". Maybe part of me is kind of afraid of just "letting go" with that up energy feeling. I have problems with uncertainty and just letting go is always uncertain. (...) Maybe I'll be able to elaborate more on this later...)

franklymydear

Okay, so um... why do we have a "youtube" button if it doesn't even work? That was disappointing.

Dee74

it works LOL - take the URL of the video and enter everything after the '=' sign between the youtube tags - you should find it works that way



There's an example in a troubleshooting thread from a while ago

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-videos.html
D

Lazyboy

bump

franklymydear

Night 8, Day 9: Okay, it's late, this one is going to be quick. Couldn't sleep and stayed up really late... 4 am. I find it hard to go to bed unless I'm totally fatigued. Maybe now is the time to FORCE myself to get up at the same time every morning to reset my sleeping clock. Or maybe I'll wait until my 3 days off next week.

Had 6 hours of sleep, got a call to go into work, slept for another 2, worked, came home, did some semi-productive things. The day was MOSTLY distraction though, outside of work, unfortunately.

Had some definite cravings for junk food and alcohol, although nothing I couldn't easily slide to the back of my mind. Stuck to my eating plan.

Still kind of fatigued with mental fog. Seems to be getting better, although in some respects I don't like it. I still don't feel as normal as the day after a night of drinking (and not really hungover). Sigh.

I hope to talk tomorrow a bit more of my history... my cycle of drinking. I know my entries here sound fairly easy and straightforward, but this has been a long habit of history repeating itself!

'night.

franklymydear

A little more history, before I had off to work.

The cycle.

There were a few different cycles. Daily, and there was some variation depending on whether or not I was working or not, and the larger cycles of trying to quit.

What's amazing is how there's a part of me, which almost doesn't feel like me, that's constantly trying to rationalize having another night of drinking and trying to hijack my actions to accomplish that. Almost like, allowing me to drink if I promise myself to do something productive that night or the next day, and THEN it'll let me quit. String me along and convincing me one day at I time. The messed up part of course is that the other part of me is fully aware of what's going on, but is overpowered by the convincing of the other side.

Example, as the time would get closer and closer to when the provincially owned liquor store would close (the cheapest place in this small town by far), I'd suddenly find myself putting on my jacket and rushing down there to pick up some alcohol in the last 5 minutes. I'm sure they would start to almost expect me (another reason I wanted to quit). As I'm walking, it's almost like that good part of me is watching the bad part hijack my body and strut down to grab some more booze. I hate that apparent loss of control over my own intentions.

As for the daily cycles. If I was working and drinking at night, I'd wake up in the morning for work, hungover of course, bleary-eyes and tired, and all day feel fine and not even think about drinking (never had a drink in the morning or more than a couple for an apres ski or grabbing a late lunch with friends). No desire whatsoever. Then, inevitably, as it would get closer and closer to the evening, the desire would start to creep in. The "Other Side" of me would start talking, whispering sabotage. "You can drink if you promise to clean up your room." "You can drink if you do XXX productive thing." "Work is a long day that leaves you stressed and tired, quit on your day off when you have no commitments, you can just stay inside all day and not leave. No temptation, right?" Boom, no matter how tired I was, I found myself grabbing something to drink, whether or not I did the productive thing or not.

Then came the days off, when I was supposed to quit. Usually feeling good, actually being productive to some extent. Of course, the only times I did feel good were when I slept in till 2 pm usually, if I did have some sort of early tired awakening as is so common when you're drinking too much. At any rate, the same thing would happen as the days I worked, except I'd be convincing myself that I'd quit after working, because I'd be too tired to drink. ********.

To some extent though, that was kind of accurate. The only times I seemed to get through that first night were when I WAY overdid it, and slept until something like 4 or 5 pm, and was simply too hungover/tired to drink the next night. That's how this current streak started.

Of course, there's the common cycle of quitting for a night or two or three and then giving into the stress of withdrawals. That one is straightforward enough.

Well, I have to get ready for work! Don't know if that's helpful for anyone, but despite my current success, those cycles were incredibly hard on my body and psyche.

To use a term from Dexter, I'd love to be completely free of my Dark Passenger.

Thanks for listening.

franklymydear

Night 9 / Day 10: Made it to the double digit days? Already? Wow. Time flies when you're fatigued and groggy. (Speaking of that, thank god for Google Calendar and my Android phone... I can quickly set myself reminders so I don't forget about stuff...)

In some ways this has been the best day so far, and in others the most trying.

In bed by 2 am last night, 2 hours before the previous time, even though I didn't have to work until noon. Slept a pretty solid 8 hours. Didn't remember my dreams which is weird, I usually do. If I did wake up I was able to get back to sleep easily. No more night sweats or panic. Some awareness of my heart, but totally manageable, especially if I had meditated/relaxed a bit.

Woke up at 10 am feeling okay, got some things done and went to work. The first 4 hours absolutely flew by. The annoying radio station didn't bother me, and I was in a great mood, smiley, social, etc, even though I wasn't working in my favourite department. But... in a way it felt like too much. It felt like I was all jammed up into "above" normal. Turned on too high. Racey even... and this is on a diet with no sugar/carbs. Somebody who knows I'm eating this way even remarked that I was talking like I'd had a whole bag of chocolate covered espresso beans.

After my lunch break, the last 4 hours still went by steadily, but I was absolutely exhausted... like I had burned through all of my energy in the first four hours and then had nothing left for the last four. By 9, closing time, I had rebounded a bit (I feel pretty okay right now), but man, what a roller-coaster.

Of course, through all this was the standard "brain fog", "out of it" feeling and memory issues. I really wish those would go away.

Another aspect of my danger zone, was that this was the biggest day yet for thoughts of drinking and for carbo-temptation. Working at a grocery store is really not a good idea when you have junk food addiction issues, lol. I'm talking a garbage bin (with a clean plastic bag in it) filled with pizza buns, donuts, apple fritters, etc (end of the day waste). Okay, I took a single bite of one donut, but that was it! Also had the most transient thoughts about drinking, but that's what they were, transient thoughts. Unlike the feeling of being possesed by craving, especially when walking out of work at the end of the day, it was a quick, "But I wanna!", followed by, "No, you don't".

So yeah, it was a bit all over the place today, but the good weather in this beautiful place is helping.

I would have loved to lift weights, but I wasn't up early enough and it's now almost 10 pm. So... tomorrow after work (6pm) I'll be doing it before dinner. I hope.

Positives:

• Followed my eating plan outside of a couple little bits of badness.
• Still haven't used my credit cards for anything!
• Despite the racey feeling, it was good to feel good, and good to have work fly by.
• Sleep is getting more solid.
• Easily set-aside temptations (alcohol and junk food).

franklymydear

Night 10 / Day 11: Today may have been the best day yet in some ways. The fatigue and mental fog are still with me, but the mental fog is clearing (very) slowly, and the fatigue seems to not be present all the time, but hit me all at once in the evening. There's still a very slight undercurrent during the day, but I'd prefer that than feeling tired all day long, although I'd also really like to have energy in the evening to be productive or social.

So, on the upside, I was in a really good mood today with a minimal amount of feeling too turned on or "racy". In some ways I just felt like myself. Happy all day, talkative (even though I have a major introverted side), joking, laughing. The little things working such a boring job didn't annoy me. Time went by quickly, both the first half and the second.

On the downside, it all felt a little too.... real, and I didn't like it. I suppose it's a good thing though... and if anything uncomfortable bubbles up in my mind, I should deal with it. As well, while I WAS feeling really good during the day, the crash of energy at 7 pm was huge. I barely feel like typing. So I'll stop...

Positives:

• Stuck to eating plan.
• Great mood and energy during the mid-day at work.
• Was totally going to lift weights..... if the fatigue hadn't set in.

franklymydear

I think it should just start to be assumed that every post will being with "Today was the best day yet!"

Night 11 / Day 12: Wow, what a day. What a GREAT day. What a SURPRISINGLY great day.

Only slept 6 hours (11:30 to 5:30) as I had to be at work by 6 am for an opening shift, the first I've had since... well, it was pitch black dark at 6 am. It's been a while. And the first sober one in a loooooong time.

While it was difficult getting up, I found myself quickly awake and alert, and for the first 4 hours of my shift I had plenty of energy and clarity. The least brain fog and fatigue I've had yet, without any of the racy edginess. In fact, I skipped my first break and cut my lunch in half (can leave earlier) as I didn't need to rest (let alone take an hour so I could go home and nap, yes, I did that a lot).

Everything mentally was improved... clarity, focus, mood, memory, energy, etc. So great!

By the time I quit work though, I was pooped. So I ended up sleeping for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Not the best idea as I have to do it all over again tomorrow, but I would have been useless for 6 hours. Instead, I woke up from the nap completely refreshed and was SUPER productive. Finally cleaned up my part of the kitchen, made a rotisserie chicken, did some food photography, then threw the carcass into the slow cooker for the night to make a broth so I can make some actual soup tomorrow.

I mentioned this in someone elses thread today, but mentally for the most part, I have no desire to drink. I want to DO. I want to be productive. I want to produce things and be creative. On the physical side, I'm still completely free of that Dark Passenger that takes over and compels me to walk to the liquor store. Normally on a day like this, after I had rested and woken up, I'd be on my way over to the government run liquor store (the cheapest in this small town) to try to catch it before 6 pm when it closes. I didn't even have the slightest inkling. At MOST there were those tiny transient tickling thoughts that would very occasionally float through my mind, but at the back... behind a curtain.

AWESOME!

Positives:

• Best day yet for clarity, energy, mood, etc.
• No physical craving for alcohol.
• Followed eating plan again.
• Was again totally going to lift weights, but my hurt my hip today. Sigh.

Onward and Upward.

smacked

Deleted post (sorry.. misread your post.)