Jenny1232

My world has collapsed. I do not feel strong. I do not feel happy.

All
I
Want
To
Do
Is
Cry
Or
Die


Today.. was a very bad day. I had to reveal some very unfortuante news about myself to someone.
I had to once again, admit to myself that the man I love more than my own life is a psychopath.
I had to deal with the pain of losing him; the pain of reading the text messages saying that I've stabbed a knife into his chest.
The guilt is still here. I'm so upset. I do not know what to do anymore. I'm absolutely miserable today...

and, in my sick and twisted fantasy world, I still want to be in his arms.
I still want to feel his touch.
I want to hold him.
I want to kiss him.
I want to hug him.
I want to laugh with him.

I hear him in my head.. saying all those silly things he did that made me laugh.

I'm not doing so well today...

Ann

I'm sorry Jenny, and send big hugs.

What helped me most when my days were dark was to find a good meeting and surround myself with healthy support.

Bad days don't last forever, and good days come faster when we begin to take care of ourselves.

So I won't shoot you, but I will nudge you lovingly with my bunny slippers and suggest a meeting and finding a better way to live.

Hugs

dopedout

So cry! It's ok. Do you have a meeting you can go to tonite?

catlovermi

Hugs to you.

De-toxing off someone we're enmeshed with and addicted to is not easy. The withdrawals are worst early on; keep that in mind.

CLMI

coffeedrinker

just want to make sure you hear this, jenny. it is true.

i am convinced that part of what gets, and keeps, us hooked is the drama. we hate it, it makes us sick and/or crazy, yet we go to it like a moth to flame. stupid, stupid, damned love songs and stories - they just feed into this.

jenny: you are doing the right thing. you are doing the right thing. you are doing the right thing.

ThatLittleGirl

I am so sorry you are having a bad day...give yourself that...a day to feel awful...cry if you need to...punch something if you need to...whatever it takes to get it all out...

You know, we build these realities in our minds of our addicts...who they are...what "we" are together...how it's all going to be... When that falls apart...it's so hard to let go of our dreams...our desires for the lives we wanted... So, give yourself time to cope with all the changes that you are experiencing emotionally and physically...it's OK to have a bad day...we all do!!! <<Hugs>>

stupid, stupid, damned love songs and stories - they just feed into this. - I so agree with coffeedrinker on this. We are constantly fed these 'happily ever after' movies, books and songs romanticizing these types of situations...and believe that should be us...that, that is us...if we just hold on a little longer. When truthfully, those are not reality...just some Hollywood script writer looking to make a lot of money...

Christen

Dear Friend,

It's ok to cry. I think it's better to cry & get it all out; then maybe you can get better sooner. Since we all love our addicts... we will all have bad days... some of them really bad. The good news is if we go to meetings & work the steps- we will have less bad days & more good ones. Stay tough. I hope your black clouds turn into sunshine.

Christen

BeautifulDisatr

You are not alone Jenny1232. I can honestly say I feel your pain as I read your words. I feel the same things you feel and can completely relate. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug ((HUG)). So cry girl - Cry your eyes out, rip up a pillow, fall to the floor and cry some more - FIND A MEETING so you are not alone, surround yourself around people who not only understand but can relate and be there for you and then cry some more.

This moment will pass, it will!!!

You are in my prayers and remember you are loved and very special.


:ghug3

Jenny1232

... I feel like such a failure. I'm still talking to him. I keep going back in fourth. I keep saying I love you, then I say, NO, NO NO NO. I have no self-control.

I'm still alone. I'm still without him. I still said... no.

There was a meeting last night. In all honesty, I chickened out. I was too scared to go... I guess the only way to get past that, is to just go, despite fear.

Sighs... thanks, as always... crying hurts too much... oh god, it hurts...

Jenny1232

How is it.. one minute we're on top of the world. We're bullet proof. Nothing can stop us...

and the next, we're curled up in a ball, absolutely helpless. At least.. I am.

I don't understand how I can be so strong, so firm, so proud one minute, and absolutely crushed the next, a weak, little girl. I suppose it is my addiction to him. You're all right - I am withdrawaling. I just want to SCREAM! people will t hink I'm crazy.. perhaps I will go take a drive, and do just that. In fact, yea.. I am going to do just that.

I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs, and absolutely LOSE MY MIND - or hey, maybe I will find it in the process.

dopedout

Be safe!

You're not alone in feeling this way. Most of the time when I'm typing here, there are tears rolling down my cheeks. It's ok.

I went to my first meeting last nite. I hated going and I mostly hated being there, but all through it everyone was very kind and did not push or prod me but were compassionate and understanding and not judgmental...I bolted pretty quick but as soon as the meeting ended, one of them very quietly and tactfully circled a name on a sheet of paper and slid it to me and said I should call that person because our stories were very similar ... I'm not calling him but I'm going to email him now.

You don't have to say anything. Just go and be there, so that the next time you need it, it is more normal.

It's ok.

Jenny1232

Thanks dopedout,

I've been to one al-anon meeting. I took a friend. I was the only one in the group who did not speak. I can type away all day, but face to face, anxiety takes a hold on me. I wanted to speak.. I just couldn't open my mouth. It was very emotional. I fought tears the entire time.

Kudos to you. I will try and find the strength to go again...

Krys

I felt the same way for weeks after finding out my boyfriend had relapsed. Mostly I think because I felt betrayed (even though I know he did not do it to hurt me) and because it meant shattering the life I thought we built together, the image of us against the world, and more importantly it shattered the life we had as I knew it. It felt surreal, like a nightmare I could not wake up from, and honestly it was traumatizing. Some days it felt like I was walking through thick fog I was so out of it! The thing I figured out was that when people hurt us the feelings are completely overwhelming and confusing and it's difficult to make sense of them when they are coming at you all at once. It helps me to just feel them when they are happening (I have a tendency to push everything down) and to give myself permission to feel it all without apologizing to anyone including my bf for it. If I feel angry I tell him, if I am sad I tell him, if I have concerns I tell him, and if he tries to make me feel guilty about it I tell him to shove it. Actually what I really say is "you got to lie to me everyday for a month so I get at least that long to tell you what it did to me." I don't do it to make him feel bad, I do it because the way I see it we can not heal if I am lying to protect him. Sometimes I sob uncontrollably for a while in the shower, and other days I feel just fine. Whenever I feel like I have to stick around to make sure he is not slipping up or doing something destructive I kick myself and do something for ME. I go out with a friend, I work extra hours, get a haircut...the point is I am no longer feeling like I have to live my life for him or to keep him safe, I am forcing myself to live my life. Some days it sucks, and others it's fun. Feel whatever you need to feel, take baby steps to reclaim your life, and STOP beating yourself up. This is what my sister (a former user and clean for 12 years) told me: "Guilt is manipulation. Plain and simple. It's what we are best at." Look at the guilt trips for what they are: Another way to hurt you.

Jenny1232

I've never considered guilt to be manipulation. I walk around everyday, feeling guilty for something. I don't think it's something people are making me feel, it comes so naturally.

Take for instance - I feel guilty even coming here. I just want to keep telling people I'm sorry for burdening them with my bs life story.

In the case of my ex, yes, he definitely guilts me though. I let him do it, and I beat myself up.

So, thank you for this insightful post. I am reclaiming my life, it's just taking a while. Like you said, baby steps. I guess we all fall down, it's just picking myself back up that counts.

Jenny1232

Back and fourth. Back and fourth...

Does this make me crazy. By definition, I suppose I'm insane.

but really.. is hanging on to hope.. and then constantly taking it back.. does that make me crazy? Is this normal? I feel like I'm losing myself here. My thoughts are ALL over the place. I don't know what I want anymore, to be honest. Part of me wants to say, just be miserable, as long as you can have him...

But, I know I don't WANT that. How long do these dang withdrawals last?

Jenny1232

I was reading personality disorders.. and the two that struck out for ME.. were histrionic and dependence.

I think I feel compelled to have a him, but at the same time, I want it to be him. I can't imagine being with someone else, because he's who I love.. but yes, I believe I do feel like I need someone in my life. I need to feel loved, and not neglected.

I feel myself falling down. I hope I get back up...

86753091

Nobody's shooting anybody! It's going to be OK.

You don't have to imagine being with someone else but you do have to live with yourself.
Loving yourself is the first step of becoming a whole woman who does not need someone else to complete her. I don't know how many steps are in that program.

Stop neglecting yourself - baby steps...polished your nails lately? Not knowing just how miserable you are...brushed your hair? looked in the mirror and washed away the puffy, cried too much eyes, with some icy cold water?

Pick yourself up and splash some cold water on your face. It's just a baby step. Pretty soon you'll realize you're grown and you have the tools to handle this break up and so much more.

Maybe then you might start thinking of the next Mr Wonderful.

How is Mr Wonderful going to find you if you're Miss Miserable?
And how many Mr Wonderfuls ask Miss Miserables out on a date?

cb

hello-kitty

This is so true!

I used to think I needed to be loved by someone then I realized I needed to learn how to love myself first.

As I look back now, I realized I dated addicts and sociopaths because they reinforced that childish voice deep down inside of me telling me that I was unworthy of love. That I didn't deserve better than how they treated me.

It wasn't about the man. It was about the emptiness inside me. No one could fix that part of me except me. (And no drug could fill that emptiness either.) Until I fixed that part of me, I was doomed to "love" a-hole after a-hole after a-hole.

There's a great post on this board about toxic love vs. healthy love. You should see if you can find it. You may find answers there. Something that will help you take the focus off his brokeness and help you focus on yours.

86753091

A physical trick to stop the steady flow of tears is to cry in the shower. Be as miserable in there for as long as you want to. Pretty soon the water's gonna get cold and "wake you up" a little bit. Let the cold healing water flow, let it bring you back. Allow yourself to feel something besides misery. You'll only start to heal when you allow yourself to. I'm guessing you've been miserable long enough and it's time to start healing. Or be miserable some more. Your choice.

LGLG07

I havent signed on in probably close to 2 yrs and I cannot tell you how helpful this post was tonight .

Little background :

Its been 4 yrs since I seperated from my AH (we have 4 kids together , I was pregnant at the time)

In the beginning I thought I would give my AH a year to stay clean and sober and he would follow a program and get healthy and then we could reconcile and live happily ever after .... yeah , not so much . After countless trips to rehab , so many that our insurance company cut him off , and the many years that have passed I am still having a hard time letting go .

We never moved back in together or had any relations together during the past 4 yrs . He continued to use and drink with brief moments of sobriety . As it is right now there is a restraining order against him , he has supervised visits with our kids but he hasnt seen them in 4 wks and before that it was 3 months . His family has told me over the past week that he has met a girl and is really really excited about her , hes drinking and him and his gf go to the bar together , she has kids but her x has custody . All this information is so overwhelming for me, I havent eatten in two days .

All I can think of is ... HOW FRIGGIN STUPID AM I ?????

He is so sick and twisted and such a liar and a cheater , why why why would I ever want to have a relationship with somebody like that ever again !! I am young and attractive and a great mom , have a full time job , struggle a bit financial but am solely supporting my kids and I have so much to offer ...... I will never waste myself on a broken soul again !!

AND I truly hope that you dont either ! Stay Strong ((HUGS))