somebody shoot me
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 78
Jenny1232... I know you're feeling weak right now, but you have given me a lot of comfort tonight knowing that I'm not the only one that isn't feeling as strong as I feel everyone else is. I'm crying with you.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
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once upon a time, you could put me in a room with 100 men (yeehaw, oh wait...not the point!) and 99 of them could be as sane and sober and rational and normal as they get........and 1 would be damaged, crazy as a loon, either a drunk or a dope fiend or both, a liar and cheat, most likely unemployed, and not really have secure housing........WITH A BLINDFOLD ON i would have made a beeline for that 1 tragically defective individual, without so much as brushing against anything or anyone else in that room.
Here is where I'm slightly confused. I understand we pick the "wrong" men, the unavailable ones.. It's clear we're speaking metaphorically.. but when you say you'd pick the one.. with a blindfold on, and it will be the dysfunctional one.. well, that seems to be more like bad luck??
What is it.. that draws us to them? Ideally, I'd prefer a normal, emotionally available, successful man.. So, why do we pick and choose the wrong ones? Is it because we want to save them? But, when we first meet them, how do we even know they have issues? We don't, do we?
I see we'd have to start responding and reacting to the red flags... but otherwise, I'm not sure how to know who's Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong... when it comes to initial attraction?
I'm in a really low place right now. I'd be happy just going to a mental ward to be honest. To not wake up tomorrow. I'm not going to do anything stupid, but I sure wish I could.
I guess I'm not able to grasp any concept right now. if you can kind of understand my stupid question, please try and shed some light in dummy terms! thanks...
Here is where I'm slightly confused. I understand we pick the "wrong" men, the unavailable ones.. It's clear we're speaking metaphorically.. but when you say you'd pick the one.. with a blindfold on, and it will be the dysfunctional one.. well, that seems to be more like bad luck??
What is it.. that draws us to them? Ideally, I'd prefer a normal, emotionally available, successful man.. So, why do we pick and choose the wrong ones? Is it because we want to save them? But, when we first meet them, how do we even know they have issues? We don't, do we?
I see we'd have to start responding and reacting to the red flags... but otherwise, I'm not sure how to know who's Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong... when it comes to initial attraction?
I'm in a really low place right now. I'd be happy just going to a mental ward to be honest. To not wake up tomorrow. I'm not going to do anything stupid, but I sure wish I could.
I guess I'm not able to grasp any concept right now. if you can kind of understand my stupid question, please try and shed some light in dummy terms! thanks...
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ihatethis... i could feel your pain in your post. it made me want to cry for you.. or with you.. i guess it helps me to know im not the only one either.
everyone here seems so strong. so hard.
I feel like the weak one. I feel silly for even posting sometimes, like I'm just pissing everyone off or getting on their nerves. It makes me very happy that this post helped you.. along with you, LGLG...
One Day At A Time
everyone here seems so strong. so hard.
I feel like the weak one. I feel silly for even posting sometimes, like I'm just pissing everyone off or getting on their nerves. It makes me very happy that this post helped you.. along with you, LGLG...
One Day At A Time
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
This is so true!
As I look back now, I realized I dated addicts and sociopaths because they reinforced that childish voice deep down inside of me telling me that I was unworthy of love. That I didn't deserve better than how they treated me.
It wasn't about the man. It was about the emptiness inside me. No one could fix that part of me except me. (And no drug could fill that emptiness either.) Until I fixed that part of me, I was doomed to "love" a-hole after a-hole after a-hole.
There's a great post on this board about toxic love vs. healthy love. You should see if you can find it. You may find answers there. Something that will help you take the focus off his brokeness and help you focus on yours.
As I look back now, I realized I dated addicts and sociopaths because they reinforced that childish voice deep down inside of me telling me that I was unworthy of love. That I didn't deserve better than how they treated me.
It wasn't about the man. It was about the emptiness inside me. No one could fix that part of me except me. (And no drug could fill that emptiness either.) Until I fixed that part of me, I was doomed to "love" a-hole after a-hole after a-hole.
There's a great post on this board about toxic love vs. healthy love. You should see if you can find it. You may find answers there. Something that will help you take the focus off his brokeness and help you focus on yours.
Realizing you dated an addict for that reason.. just seems like it'd be hard to discover. I called three therapists today, to try and set something up. I'm losing it big time. I just can't even think straight. I did realize, a lot relating back to childhood as destroyed me as an adult. I sure hope that I can fix it, someway, somehow, someday. How did you fix it?
I will search for the toxic vs. healthy love. That sounds good. I've done a lot of reading on that on the web. I'll admit, it isn't all him.
A LOT is me. I've got some serious issues. Was kind of in denial, I suppose. I'm so sappy/mopey. I'm sorry...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: mn
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hey girl. keep your chin up. i remember maybe like the second or third week I seriously felt like I wanted to die. I was so in love.
But I am slowly starting to feel better.
there WILL be better times. Get into a therapist ASAP and go to more meetings.
When I first left him, I was going to meetings 3 or 4 times a week, sometimes twice in one day. Whatever it took to keep me away and keep me sane until I could see clearly.
It will get easier but it will take some time, just like all breakups.
Stand up for yourself and try to be strong.
stay busy. Remember the negatives. Psychoanalyze yourself and make sure you go easy.
Its all a process. And no, I dont think we LOOK for dysfunction. I think we're just more tolerant of it than others who didnt grow up with it.
We consider it "normal" while others find it insane.
we need to adjust our thinking to eliminate the possibility of waivering on topics that we should stand firm on ie) smoking pot for me.
Im looking for my normal guy but not until i feel normal again.
But I am slowly starting to feel better.
there WILL be better times. Get into a therapist ASAP and go to more meetings.
When I first left him, I was going to meetings 3 or 4 times a week, sometimes twice in one day. Whatever it took to keep me away and keep me sane until I could see clearly.
It will get easier but it will take some time, just like all breakups.
Stand up for yourself and try to be strong.
stay busy. Remember the negatives. Psychoanalyze yourself and make sure you go easy.
Its all a process. And no, I dont think we LOOK for dysfunction. I think we're just more tolerant of it than others who didnt grow up with it.
We consider it "normal" while others find it insane.
we need to adjust our thinking to eliminate the possibility of waivering on topics that we should stand firm on ie) smoking pot for me.
Im looking for my normal guy but not until i feel normal again.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
I feel like the weak one. I feel silly for even posting sometimes, like I'm just pissing everyone off or getting on their nerves...
You may feel this, but it doesn't make it a Truth; only a perception (your perception). Most of us have been where you are, and we remember. We had that pain, we had that detox - it's just that we are no longer there.
We WERE YOU. You CAN BE US, in the future.
But your reality today will not be what it is in the future; we have grown and moved to a different place through our recoveries - to you this "looks" like we are made of different, stronger, harder stuff. In truth, we are just at a different place along our timeline of growth. It is a place that with support you also can get to!
Please feel welcome to come and express whatever your experience is today, so you also can get support, and experience growth. It hurts you for you to compare your TODAY with our TOMORROWS, as we are in what can be your tomorrow.
:ghug3
CLMI
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 118
I think we may be drawn to these men because they're "easy", Easily attainable. We don't have to work at it to "get" them. But we certainly pay later.
Don't you think that Mr Wrong would easily attach himself to you is some romantic way. Key word being "easily". Especially if his mom just gave him the boot!
Flattering as it may be, wouldn't you think most sane and sober men would "observe" before attaching? Perhaps taking a little time to get to know you and allowing you time to get to know them before they elicited a committment?
How easy is it for a man to tell you exactly what you need to hear romatically when he doesn't really care about you, but it suits his own needs? There are women who have literally "shacked up" with these guy and the guy is not contributing financially to the household. Hello! Doesn't this scream lack of responsibility to you?
By shacked up I mean - spending night after night, week after week, but having made no "official" committment to moving in. Yet they have no other home.
Please be good to yourself. Allow yourself time to get to know someone. Visit his man cave and don't let him shack up with you! He doesn't care, you're just a roof and a meal.
And Jenny, isn't it WAAAAY too soon for you to be thinking about someone new? Didn't you just stop crying about the old guy yesterday? How have you changed yourself to better attract a different sort of man? Have you even figured out who a different sort of man might be? Where there's growth there's change. Or is it: Where there's change there's growth? Either way - too soon.
cb
Don't you think that Mr Wrong would easily attach himself to you is some romantic way. Key word being "easily". Especially if his mom just gave him the boot!
Flattering as it may be, wouldn't you think most sane and sober men would "observe" before attaching? Perhaps taking a little time to get to know you and allowing you time to get to know them before they elicited a committment?
How easy is it for a man to tell you exactly what you need to hear romatically when he doesn't really care about you, but it suits his own needs? There are women who have literally "shacked up" with these guy and the guy is not contributing financially to the household. Hello! Doesn't this scream lack of responsibility to you?
By shacked up I mean - spending night after night, week after week, but having made no "official" committment to moving in. Yet they have no other home.
Please be good to yourself. Allow yourself time to get to know someone. Visit his man cave and don't let him shack up with you! He doesn't care, you're just a roof and a meal.
And Jenny, isn't it WAAAAY too soon for you to be thinking about someone new? Didn't you just stop crying about the old guy yesterday? How have you changed yourself to better attract a different sort of man? Have you even figured out who a different sort of man might be? Where there's growth there's change. Or is it: Where there's change there's growth? Either way - too soon.
cb
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Hey Jenny1232 ...
I dont know the answers to your questions but I can tell you what I think about myself and why I was always attracted to 'those' kind of guys ...
My dad is an alcoholic . When I was growing up , youngest of 5 , he worked 2 full time jobs , he always always provided financially for our family but when he wasnt at work , he was at the bar drinking . On the occassions that he was home , he would watch tv , in 'his' chair and there would always be a can of budweiser and a shot glass (empty of course) next to him . He was never mean , always funny and happy . I loved him , he was the only dad I knew and this was normal to me .
It was only natural for me to be attracted to men that were alot like him . The smell of the whiskey or beer was just the way a man smelled to me so it was almost my comfort zone . I wouldnt seek that out on purpose but it was a sub-conscious thing . My dad was always the life of the party . People in our neighborhood were very close and it was in the 70s when my sisters grew up , the years when big backyard parties were the thing to do . Every year it was a gradutation or communion and it was an excuse for a party . Everyones dad was an alcoholic, or so it seemed . The party was over when a fight broke out (that was quickly laughed about the next day) ! There was just no education then , like there is now , on alcoholism and drug addiction .
By the time I met my husband he was probably in the early stages of alcoholism . Who knew ??? I just thought we were 24 / 25 and doing what was normal . Now at this point , my dad was further along in his alcoholism because it is a progressive disease and just continues to get worse and worse . We (my family and I) didnt know that then.
When my husbands alcoholism was at its peak , he started w/the drugs . I didnt know until that progressed and it was impossible for him to hide it anymore .. by then the cocaine he was doing turned to heroine .
Now I am committed to teaching my children all about the disease of addiction and alcoholism . Im hoping that by pointing all these 'sub-conscious' things out to them now they will stand a better chance and be able to make good choices when they start dating . Its one day at a time .
This is just my story , and my opinion but maybe you can look back and think of some things in your life when you were growing up that did impact you greatly , either causing your self esteem to suffer or your confidence in some way .
I guess at the time I felt like it was normal but the little girl inside of me always probably wondered why my dad wasnt around as much (again he was never mean , just not there) probably made me feel like I wasnt good enough for him to want to be with me , or he didnt love me enough to want to spend time with me .
Lots of Luck and ((HUGS))
I dont know the answers to your questions but I can tell you what I think about myself and why I was always attracted to 'those' kind of guys ...
My dad is an alcoholic . When I was growing up , youngest of 5 , he worked 2 full time jobs , he always always provided financially for our family but when he wasnt at work , he was at the bar drinking . On the occassions that he was home , he would watch tv , in 'his' chair and there would always be a can of budweiser and a shot glass (empty of course) next to him . He was never mean , always funny and happy . I loved him , he was the only dad I knew and this was normal to me .
It was only natural for me to be attracted to men that were alot like him . The smell of the whiskey or beer was just the way a man smelled to me so it was almost my comfort zone . I wouldnt seek that out on purpose but it was a sub-conscious thing . My dad was always the life of the party . People in our neighborhood were very close and it was in the 70s when my sisters grew up , the years when big backyard parties were the thing to do . Every year it was a gradutation or communion and it was an excuse for a party . Everyones dad was an alcoholic, or so it seemed . The party was over when a fight broke out (that was quickly laughed about the next day) ! There was just no education then , like there is now , on alcoholism and drug addiction .
By the time I met my husband he was probably in the early stages of alcoholism . Who knew ??? I just thought we were 24 / 25 and doing what was normal . Now at this point , my dad was further along in his alcoholism because it is a progressive disease and just continues to get worse and worse . We (my family and I) didnt know that then.
When my husbands alcoholism was at its peak , he started w/the drugs . I didnt know until that progressed and it was impossible for him to hide it anymore .. by then the cocaine he was doing turned to heroine .
Now I am committed to teaching my children all about the disease of addiction and alcoholism . Im hoping that by pointing all these 'sub-conscious' things out to them now they will stand a better chance and be able to make good choices when they start dating . Its one day at a time .
This is just my story , and my opinion but maybe you can look back and think of some things in your life when you were growing up that did impact you greatly , either causing your self esteem to suffer or your confidence in some way .
I guess at the time I felt like it was normal but the little girl inside of me always probably wondered why my dad wasnt around as much (again he was never mean , just not there) probably made me feel like I wasnt good enough for him to want to be with me , or he didnt love me enough to want to spend time with me .
Lots of Luck and ((HUGS))
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
LGLG,
I can very much relate to your story. However, my dad was angry. He was very mean. I find myself very jumpy today by loud voices. I know I have a lot of built up resentment for my parents, for various reasons. That's not to say we don't have a great relationship now. I know they really messed me up... which sucks, because it wasn't intentional.. and I know that they really love me too.
My thing now, is to find out how to deal with it. I think I've pretty much discovered the cause. The constant feeling of abandonment or neglection.. It's the getting past that I'm not sure what to do, or if it's possible.
I can very much relate to your story. However, my dad was angry. He was very mean. I find myself very jumpy today by loud voices. I know I have a lot of built up resentment for my parents, for various reasons. That's not to say we don't have a great relationship now. I know they really messed me up... which sucks, because it wasn't intentional.. and I know that they really love me too.
My thing now, is to find out how to deal with it. I think I've pretty much discovered the cause. The constant feeling of abandonment or neglection.. It's the getting past that I'm not sure what to do, or if it's possible.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Oh its definitely possible .. I learned that theres an inner child in all of us and we hang onto those feelings we had while we were growing up . We dont know any other way so we have to re-train ourselves so to speak . It takes alot of conscious effort .
Knowing that your parents did the best they knew how to do at the time they were raising you is huge . Having resentment towards them is certainly expected but its a very very heavy burden to carry around . Not one thats easy to let go of . You can move forward from this point . Theres nothing you can do about the past . Sooo much easier said then it is done . I laugh at myself sometimes because I should practice what I preach
lol
My advise ... dont rush yourself , soon enough the feelings of helplessness with be fewer and further in between . Too bad they hurt like hell though !
LGLG
Knowing that your parents did the best they knew how to do at the time they were raising you is huge . Having resentment towards them is certainly expected but its a very very heavy burden to carry around . Not one thats easy to let go of . You can move forward from this point . Theres nothing you can do about the past . Sooo much easier said then it is done . I laugh at myself sometimes because I should practice what I preach
lol My advise ... dont rush yourself , soon enough the feelings of helplessness with be fewer and further in between . Too bad they hurt like hell though !
LGLG
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Location: minneapolis, mn
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I understand and agree with "comfort zone" when it comes to the partners we seek out.
But this is what I have come to believe:
My father, a gentle but emotionally distant man, was never really there for me. He was a flaming codependent (mother an alcoholic, second wife unstable & a control freak) yet he was so miserable and overwhelmed he worked three jobs throughout my childhood. He was either not there physically, or not there emotionally.
My theory (well I didn't invent it, but subscribe to it) is that I now seek healing and yearn to "fix" that original, broken primary, relationship. If I find a man to be a partner to, who is ALSO emotionally distant, who supresses his feelings and does not give to me what I need and crave, I attempt to "fix" that broken relationship. What I'm really doing is trying to reconstruct, and then later mend, the earlier relationship (father-daughter) VICARIOUSLY through the current relationship.
But this is what I have come to believe:
My father, a gentle but emotionally distant man, was never really there for me. He was a flaming codependent (mother an alcoholic, second wife unstable & a control freak) yet he was so miserable and overwhelmed he worked three jobs throughout my childhood. He was either not there physically, or not there emotionally.
My theory (well I didn't invent it, but subscribe to it) is that I now seek healing and yearn to "fix" that original, broken primary, relationship. If I find a man to be a partner to, who is ALSO emotionally distant, who supresses his feelings and does not give to me what I need and crave, I attempt to "fix" that broken relationship. What I'm really doing is trying to reconstruct, and then later mend, the earlier relationship (father-daughter) VICARIOUSLY through the current relationship.
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