kittykitty

I read that alot in the posts, "tell us what's going on with YOU?".... its an encouragement for us to talk about ourselves instead of the alcoholic. I like it, and I've even typed it before, but at this point I am having trouble focusing on me.

My XABF has called me twice in the last two days, same time each morning. Haven't talked to him since the last time he showed up at my house (and I should have just gone inside and closed the door, but instead ended up in a confrontation.) and I KNOW i couldn't have been clearer about leaving me alone, not calling, not emailing, not coming over, nothing. That was 10 days ago yesterday. Even told him I would involve the police if I had to.

I'm working three jobs right now, all of them physical labor, on my feet all day. I haven't seen my friends in weeks, haven't had a real day off in a while. Teaching classes and cooking in a restaurant all day. My back is killing me, I haven't slept or eaten properly in weeks (can't eat when I cook all the time) and I think I might even be getting sick. And to top it off, I haven't been to an Al Anon meeting in almost 4 weeks. I'm always working. I feel like I'm coming loose at the seams.

He is calling me now and leaving messages that he is really in trouble. That he really ****ed up, and I am the only one that he can call. Promises that all the other times he called or came by were tricks to manipulate me into talking to him, but swears this time isn't.

I'm not even tempted to call him. I don't want to, which I am proud of. Because I don't believe him. But I am finding it is still on my mind ALL THE TIME! The curiousity is killing me, the wonder if it is actually real, not a lie, and I've turned into a heartless ***** by not responding. What if he does really need someone? What if he really isn't lying? At this point, I get mad at myself for even thinking these thoughts. He is manipulating me, and I haven't even talked to him. God I wish I could block him, he calls from different numbers, so I never know if it's him or a client leaving a message. I freeze when I hear it's him, and by the time I get my breath back i've already heard the whole message. I'm laughing when I erase it, saying "hell no" to myself, but hours later I find I'm still thinking about it, and worrying about it.

How do I make this stop? Can someone please remind me that I am not a heartless ***** for not responding to his pleas? I feel like I'm having trouble with my perspective right now, just not thinking straight, and I feel like I need some helpful words. Someone please knock some sense into me?

I've never had to do anything like this before, but how much evidence do I need to involve the police? Should I involve the police? Do i have to save the messages? How does that work?

KeepPedaling

It sounds like you need to change your phone number so he can't call from different numbers. It seems like the source of your mystery is being in contact with him. I mean, when we don't talk to them, there is still that curiosity, but it goes away, little by little, the longer we don't have contact with them, right?

You're not heartless. He's full of it and you know it. And even if he weren't, there are all kinds of places and people out there that are fully prepared to help him. Professional helpers. We're not professional helpers. We first have to learn to take care of ourselves, right? Sounds like you need to work on that still.

I hope you're able to get some rest soon, get a little down time, start eating right, and start taking care of yourself. You're worth it. He's being a drain. He's being a quaking pain-in-the-butt drinking alcoholic. Don't get wrapped up in the chaos again...unless thats what you want. If you want a chaotic life, just believe what he says and jump right back on for another ride.

I know you're not gonna though.
I'm sorry you're having a bummer of a week.

barb dwyer

I agree.

Time to change the number.

Also - you might be surprised - but blocking each number he calls from -
WILL EVENTUALLY sto him because
he'll run out of locations.

But the new number is the best way to go.

catlovermi

This is a LIE. Don't fall for the bait.

Not only are you NOT the only resource for an A saying they need help, you ARE DEFINITELY NOT THE BEST AVENUE FOR THEM TO GET HELP.

The best avenue is for them to contact OTHER RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS IN A STRUCTURED RECOVERY PROGRAM for help - and there is virtually no corner on this green earth were a group like this can't be found, believe me - not for them to lean on (read: manipulate back into enabling) their codependent enabler.

Don't fall for the bait. It's a line as old as the hills, designed as emotional blackmail, to keep you engaged and hostage to his addiction drama.

Step away from the fallout; you are NOT the only place for him to turn, and it's not your job to solve HIS dilemma.

You are free to go about your lovely, improving life, and discard the guilt.

CLMI

coffeedrinker

I too hope you can just change your number. The hassle would be worth it - maybe you can contact your clients and give out the new number - take some time doing it so you don't lose people.

Look inside yourself: you are NOT a heartless *****. You know this. You have given and given and given. Heartless bat's ALWAYS think of themselves, they don't give and give, care and care, til their all cared out.

Think about it -- he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and to reach out to others, as the other posters said. He goes to his fallback position because he hasn't figured that out yet. So if you did "help" him, what would that accomplish? Unless he's in a DieHard movie, and his life is at stake, you are NOT the only one who can help. He may feel like that, but it's not true.

Hammerhead

A simple NO should suffice... If he shows up again... call the police... otherwise he won't take you seriously. It is my experience that they will treat you EXACTLY how you let them.

I chose to turn my exah's ringtone off... If he called... I wouldn't (be tempted) to drop everything to answer. If I chose to listen to his voicemail... and the voicemail was not about our work/business... (I could tell almost instantly)... I would delete it... that way I didn't even know what he was saying. I had to do that for my own sanity. I just didn't need to hear the blah...blah...blah...


Of course you're coming apart at the seams... stress is a killer and makes you more susceptible to b.s. You must take care of you... you are the foundation for your future... Take vitamins... take a 15 minute break and breathe... drink orange juice.

Mr. Obvious can tell you he really ****ed up.... and NO you're not the only one he can call.... he's learned and you've showed him you're an easy target to manipulate.... don't fall for the ****ed up b.s.....again.


It is a lie. The only person he really needs is a sponsor. BTW... every single # he calls you from... silence the ringer... you probably have a good idea of who should and should not be calling you.... so don't answer... then silence the ringer for that #.... if it happens to be an important call from someone else... you can call them back.


Yep... it's tough being heartless isn't it.... hmmmm... you're not heartless! you've learned that in order to have a heart you should let someone jerk your chain... so that gives you a heart....???

I was accused of being many things... heartless was one.... I assure you I was not heartless... I did everything in my power to make life easier for my special man.... cause you know he just couldn't do anything without me.... so I finally realized.... I had a heart.... but it was my brain that was missing

You'll be fine. Breathe. Make a list of YOUR priorities and stick to it. If he's capable of calling you from so many different #'s its obvious he can get around... so he should have no problem finding a meeting.

Take care of YOU... yes YOU!

stella27

kitty, you are EXHAUSTED. If you're like me, you can't even see straight after working like you are. You are not capable of deciphering his BS manipulations when you are this tired.

Please, do whatever you have to do to get some rest, and don't even consider becoming entangled with him until you are physically and mentally rested and even enough to address his manipulations with your logical brain.

(((hugs)))

stella27

Hammerhead, I LOVE it!

"I had a heart...It was my brain that was missing!"

kittykitty

Hammerhead, I think i'm going to paste that saying on my bathroom mirror, to remind myself every morning that I need to focus on my brain instead of what my heart says. My heart just can't be trusted right now.

The idea of changing the number has crossed my mind, but that would involve reprinting of alot of publicity literature, business cards, magnets on my car, uniforms, etc. Let alone contacting clients. I've had the number for over ten years, just not ready to go that far yet i guess.

I am going to start the blocking process though. I started looking into it last night, trying to figure out how I actually go about it. Do they hear a different message if you block them? Do they know they are blocked? I'm worried that at least leaving messages might be appeasing him, and if he is blocked and can't do that I think he will definitely come to the house.

Is it better to go and file something now, as opposed to waiting for him to come over and call the police? Is it better if I already have a complaint on file, as opposed to waiting until he comes over to file the complaint?

I heard a noise outside last night, right after I turned off the computer and went to bed. Sounded like someone kicked over a metal bucket, it was loud. I freaked instantly, thinking what if it's him, drunk, outside? I called my neighbor, who is less than 40 feet away, and he came right over and checked everywhere. Nothing. Not even a plant knocked over. He's always available, and able to come over anytime, so I feel better about that. Did I imagine the noise? I know I heard something. Look what I've turned into. I hate that I'm letting him in this way, into my mind, and letting myself feel unsafe in my own home.

Thanks for all the encouraging words, I feel much better already. I appreciate everyone's guidance, keeping me on the right track, reminding me of what I need to do.

Hammerhead

I contacted my local police department and told them that I had filed for divorce/stbx had moved out... that there would be/should be no one else on the property... if they drove by and someone was on the property to please investigate.

I also told them the stbx was an alcoholic/addict and that IF there was a call from me it would be serious and to keep in mind the possibility that he may not be rational.

The police department was wonderful... they drove by and even called me to check up on me... that was comforting.

So to answer your question... you don't necessarily have to file a complaint... but you sure can put your local police on notice.

Best of luck and take care.... of YOU!

nodaybut2day

Just wanted to comment on the whole "heartless *****" notion, because I had that thrown at me a few times after leaving (or while leaving). So what if you are doning the HB Mantle? What drove you to this?

Him.

His choices. His lies. His addiction.

Though AH may throw insults may way about my being cold, I'll gladly take on the role he's trying to script for me if it means that I get peace and quiet. Let him and all others think what they want. I need my rest damnit and so do you

Summerpeach

Heartless would be to call to see if there really is something wrong. Letting him deal with whatever this crisis is and letting him find his bottom would be the act of true love and being heartful

Saving someone comes in different colors :-)

kittykitty

God I miss him though.
Maybe I'm just having a bad night. I'm so tired from working. I just wish he was here to rub my feet or something.
This sucks, what's wrong with me, to feel such anguish and hate towards someone one minute, then miss them the next? I feel like two different people sometimes. This isn't helping me.

No worries, still won't call or contact him. Just being sad on my computer to you guys. Thanks for being here. Sometimes I just get caught up in the memories of how great things were before I realized how bad he was and how bad I was with tolerating how bad he was. Man I'm just sad now.

He didn't call today. Maybe that's why I'm sad? How messed up is that? This morning I was doing research on blocking phone numbers and restraining orders, and now I miss him. The idea that he finally gave up on me is what's making me sad? Geez.

I think I actually get to go to an alanon meeting tomorrow, first time I've had a night off in over four weeks. The way I feel right now, I'll just cry the whole time.

Jess01

You still have needs and thats why you miss him. In time you will miss him less and less.
Also sometimes its nice to feel needed. When that stops an empty space is left. In time that too with fade.
Have lots of bubble baths, get a massage, see a movie with a friend and try meditation. Worked wonders for me.
Dont feel bad if you put yourself first, you need to look after number one.

All the best xx

barb dwyer

Kitty -

i can tell you
from my own personal experience

when you call the police

they're going to tell you to start keeping a LOG book of every single incident
every call
every conversation
every 'accidental'sighting'
everything ....


if you're coming in one night
and the neighbor says she saw your ex in the front yard...
write that down...
when she told you when she saw him etc.


because they're going to NEED that information to determine
whether you're in an actual 'situation'
or if
you're just not used to being on your own
and over reacting.

So start today -
go back over the past week
go through your recieved calls. etc....\
what you can remember is best
and get that written down.

I'm absolutely positive you'll be told the same thing
when you talk to the police
so it's best to have a head start onnit.

kittykitty

Well, he called again this morning, twice actually, and left a horrible voicemail, crying and weeping hysterically, begging me to call him. I only heard the first 5 seconds of it, and erased it as quick as I could. Still haven't gotten around to blocking numbers by the way.

I panicked. I got very upset for a bit. I contemplated calling someone, like his mom or something, to let her know that he needed help. I'm sure this is more manipulation, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that says, "what if he's sitting there, with a gun or something, and he's going to kill himself? Can you live with yourself if you don't reach out to him? If you abandon him?"

It was a very hard morning all together. Someone I have been working for told me last night, (at one of the three jobs I have been working lately), that after I leave, since he can't find anyone to replace me, he'll have to close the bistro. (Only two people work in this kitchen). If i hadn't already started my recovery, I shudder to think how guilty that would have made me feel before. I would have moved heaven and earth to make myself available to him, so he wouldn't lose his business, and I would have exhausted and neglected myself in the process. But I helped out the best I could, for the amount of time I told him i would, and now I'm done. Gave him my notice a few weeks ago, and tomorrow is my last day. It's not my fault that he hasn't advertised enough, or even that he opened a restaurant in a horrible area for qualified employees. I have my own business to worry about. So I'm happy that I didn't cave there.

And now this. I feel much better about it now, knowing that not calling him back, or anyone for that matter, was the right choice. Even if I called his mom, it would blow all of the nc i've been working so hard at for these past couple weeks. He would see it as an open window, that I still care, and think that he was finally making progress in breaking me down. And I'm not going to put myself at risk, my happiness at risk, for the idea that maybe he really is in trouble. He is a big boy, and if he really needs help, he can call someone else. If he chooses not to, that is his right, and his decision, not mine.

First I was scared, terrified for his safety

Then I was scared that it was my responsibility to save his life

Then I was frustrated that I felt like his life was my responsibility

Then I was mad at myself for momentarily falling for what was probably another manipulation... knowing that I almost called, I almost got involved again.

Then I was thankful that I have SR and al anon, and a meeting tonight that I can finally attend.

Then I was scared to realize that he is running out of options, and is getting desperate.

Now I am organizing my list of dates and confrontations, to present to the local police department to file a restraining order. I have to be honest with myself, about the situation, and what he is capable of. It's only a matter of time before he shows up here hysterical, and I already want to have something in place before he gets here.

Hammerhead

kitty kitty... you're a quick learner!
Just remember the 3 C's

YOU didn't Cause it
YOU can't Control it
YOU can't Cure it

The absolute best thing you can do is let "Big Boy" make "Big Boy decisions"... all by himself.... I promise you he's quite capable of it.

Take care of YOU!

((hugs))

kittykitty

Well, I found out that I have to go to a judge directly to file for a restraining order. So instead, in the meantime, I filed an incident report with the police tonight.

When I told the officer his name, she said "oh, yeah, Mr. XXXXX" I said, what? you know him? She said 80% of the force knows him. I guess he's had a couple of accidents in the last few years, one of which was a few days ago. My heart dropped.. he was in an accident? This last one was minor, no one got hurt, she assured me he was fine. Then I just got mad.

This minor accident, was his latest excuse to contact me. This made it so clear to me that he has no consideration for me or my feelings at all, only cares about what he wants. He knows how upset I get when he contacts me, or comes over, and he still does it. All he sees is an opportunity to get what HE wants. The tears, the hysterics this morning on the voicemail, all bull**** to try and manipulate me. I am so glad i didn't fall for it.

I know alot of you are shaking your heads right now, those of you who have been here before. Seeing this coming a mile away... This post is for all of those who think, "my boyfriend would never do anything like that to me, he loves me..." They don't know what love is, and they WILL do this to you. They are incapable of putting anyone before themselves... what they want always comes first, no matter who it hurts.

The officer is going to call him and let him know that a report has been filed, and he is not to contact me via text or phone call, and is not to come on my property. If he attempts to contact me, he can and will be arrested and charged.

I feel better already, and will be going to a judge tomorrow to start the RO process. I really hope he doesn't do anything stupid tonight.

Jess01

I was going to suggest that you do this.

I had a psycho ex BF a few years back that took it hard when we broke up. He proceeded to stalk me for 18 mths after we broke up (rocking up to my house all hours of the night/day hysterical, looking in my windows at night, spying on me in my backyard, looking through my bins, driving past my house endlessly, following me to work, constant phone calls and texts, leaving presents on my doorstep, trying to get involved with my family and my friends, he would also pretend to be someone else and chat to me over chat programs on the internet (yes this went on for 18 mths!!).

The police would not listen to me, they laughed at me when I told them my situation. I was at my wits end! I changed my phone number, never opened the door to him, never spoke to him only to tell him to leave me alone. In the end I got in touch with the domestic violence unit of the police department. I was visited by 2 police officers who took my case very seriously. I had documented absolutely everything I could over the last 18 months. (Incidents, dates, times, internet contact, phone contact etc). It took a while but my case went to court and a restraining order was placed on him. It was then that he finally left me alone. I remember weeping with relief when the judge granted it. Its not a nice way of going about things, but if they dont get the message then it really leaves us no option?