atdawn

So it’s been over a month now since I left AH. Just me and the kiddos, now, and we’re doing pretty good.

Now, I thought I was never going to feel romantic ever again, actually I thought that kind of feelings had totally disappeared from me for good, and I had no problem with that. My full time job and my kids are more than enough to keep me occupied.

But, for the past week, despite myself I feel those feelings again, and I feel it is ridiculous. I have just left a really bad 10-year relationship, I am definitely not ready to fall for anyone for at least a good year, or 2, or more ...

There is a friend at work, whom I never considered other than a friend, and I am starting to feel all funny about him, and the other day when I saw him I realized I had a look at his, well, you guess what. This was totally involuntary, but just after doing it I realized I had done it, and felt totally embarrassed. Not sure if he noticed.

He has always been super nice to me, we always had long interesting conversations, and maybe because he is very touch feely I always had the impression he was gay, even though he is married.

I cannot believe those feelings going through me, I am angry with myself - especially because he is married !!! I feel ready to bang myself on the head with a saucepan ....

Now another friend told me that this friend his having trouble with his marriage – I am starting to wonder if his niceness is totally innocent, and maybe he is not gay.

I am now avoiding him, too scared of what my eyes, or cheeks, might do...

I am not sure how I will be able to explain to him why I am going no contact ... don’t think I should tell him the truth. Any ideas?

I don’t want to lose this friend, who also was one of the persons who helped me when I left.

Hopefully this will cool off in the next few weeks and then things will be normal again ...

I just feel so silly and angry with myself ....

Ceres

I would be no help. But, I'm right there with you. Years of neglect in addition to hormones. They say women can hit their sexual peak mid thirties to mid forties. I think I may have made it at 37. So, I'm best keeping my mind and hands busy. ;-)

velma929

Oh, no! You're...human!

Stop looking at his package at work. You'll find yourself on the losing end of a lawsuit. I felt the same way about a man some time ago. I didn't go with no contact, but I did limit the time I spent with him, and didn't spend time alone with him. I never told him how I felt, either. I have a policy that used to be a tag line from one of our local tv stations: news you can use.

Unless the truth is necessary for someone's safety, or the truth will greatly benefit him in some way, I just don't see any reason to go there.

Actually, it was my late AH who suggested the news policy, for an entirely different situation. But I keep it in mind when I have info that others don't.

The obvious answer, whether he wants to chat, or the office bore wants to show you fuzzy pics of grandbaby on her iPhone is, "Oh, I have lots of work to do."

MeHandle

Take a cold shower , don't feed/ dwell on the thoughts or at least move your eyes towards another man, one not married....lol.... your normal. No need to bang your head against the wall on this. Sexual frustration happens. No one needs to know you looked.

BuffaloGal

Go easy on yourself-- window shopping isn't illegal, and you know you aren't going to buy anything. Attraction is involuntary, like you said. It's a compliment to this guy that you noticed him. (Besides, I kinda doubt that the majority of straight males feel the slightest bit guilty about checking out our assets, even when they're happily married.)

The harder I try to avoid noticing someone's attractiveness, the more difficult it is to put the attraction aside. I have a mental file called, "Cute/Unavailable." I put interesting but taken guys in it, that way I'm not bothered by emotions they bring out in me. I'm free to think they're cute, cause I know nothing's going to happen.

I'm always flattered when I get interested flickers off of men, even when I'm somebody else's gf. It still makes me feel good about myself. I have a selection of male friends and acquaintances who would probably be cheered to know that I sometimes look at them in a less than sisterly way, for the same reason.

I bet things will cool off and be normal after awhile, and with luck there will be someone unattached to check out, at some future date.

bookwyrm

There was a very long thread recently about taking care of your..erm...more 'earthy' side with some self love. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ult-topic.html Don't neglect this part of your recovery - you have needs too!

velma929

I worked in a large department store with a man who was beloved by all for his irreverence and humor.

One day a new female colleague came by and Mike's name came up in conversation. She started casting about for information, saying, "he so cute, but there's something about the way he acts. I don't know if he's married or gay, but he holds himself out as unavailable."

I commented that if he made it clear he's unavailable, it really didn't matter why. Gossip nipped in the bud. Always a good tactic at work.

transformyself

Red Flag!

Sounds like the perfect set up for an extra martial affair.

Dont' be surprised if his attention increases and he starts telling you about his marital problems, or says he's seperating.

Run. There are a bazillion guys out there that will love you up that aren't gay, married or A's.

Ceres

I agree with Transform:

Like a lot of predators, they start "grooming" their prey with "friendship".

stella27

I love this thread. It tickles me.

Hi-jack warning:
I have been married for 15 years.
Separated 6 months ago. No chance of reconciliation.
Years of neglect on the "affection" front.

I am starting to notice other men

BUT it is as though I am still 17 years old. I am embarrassed, shy, coy, silly.
Just like the teen-aged girl I was when I was last available.

Have I not matured any at all?

nodaybut2day

I heartily second this suggestion. Have a cold shower if you want, BUT ALSO do yourself a favour and get yourself a BOB. In fact...I've, er, resorted to using BOB before going on a date to, er, "take the edge off" and prevent myself from doing something hormonally driven. It worked like a charm. I was cool as a cucumber...ok ok, I was moderately lukewarm.

FindingPeace1

noday - cool as a...cucumber? LOL!

Stella - no worries, love. It is a sign of maturity that you are noticing what stage you are in. It's just a stage. You need to go through it to move on. Whether you never had ease with dating or you used to - no matter. There are lessons for you to learn now. So enjoy your teenager-ish blush and unease. You WILL move through it!!

bookwyrm

great idea - but it might take me twice as long as usual to get ready for a night out!!!

Kind_Not_Weak

Oh man... I am right there with you. Since my relationship officially took it's last gasping breath, it's been ridiculous. I don't know if the long drawn out months with no attention or affection are to blame, or if this feeling of freedom, or that spring is here is to blame... all I know is that I'm looking at men through a very specific filter these days. And they are looking at me, too. Which is nice and validating and all that.

However...

The absolute last thing I need is complication. So, I take a deep breath and give myself a bit of a talking to about reality and keep going.

But man-oh-man... when the mood hits, it's INTENSE.

Dear lord.

transformyself

I love this feeling ya'll are describing and indulge in it. My 40's are so sexual. It's like no body's safe.


My middle sister has been teaching me how to "flirt" (at 45) because when we go out together she looks fantastic, has got men draped all over her and doesn't buy a single drink for herself. It's admirable. And, she doesn't have to take anyone home with her. She has a ball, makes a lot of friends and goes home to her cat. We're both newly single for the first time in 15 years and she lives a few blocks away. Dangerous!

I"m loving this new-found, mature sexuality, and encourage anyone feeling this way to own it, in whatever way that works for you.

Except with married co-workers, of course.

atdawn

Thanks for all the replies, and Bookwyrm thanks for the link to that other thread, I had missed it and it is awesome!
well I guesss I am just being alive again ...

Yep ... Thanks ... am running alright.

tigger11

A silly follow up to Nodaybut2day's suggestion about BOB. Every woman needs BOB (for those of you who don't know, it's an acronym for Batter Operated Boy). Every woman also needs BUB - Back Up BOB.

Jazzman

I'm free on Saturday nights. I even pay for diner and open doors for a lady.






(sorry, couldn't help it)

tigger11

Must be tough Jazz, being in the male minority on this Forum. Next time you're in Missouri, look me up. EVERYBODY winds up in Missouri sooner or later. NOT!