How did you stay strong?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
How did you stay strong?
Hi all,
For those of you who haven't read my last post - I left AH last Tuesday. I have to admit I have been back to talk twice. The first time went well - we had a good talk, he made lots of promises, saying that he will go back to the treatment center (that he had started and then stopped going to last Fall) because he needs to talk to a therapist, that he loves me and wants me to come back home, etc. The second time I went in the morning and he had been drinking all night (I think), because he was very defensive, blamed me for things I did/ didn't do instead of having a conversation with me and finally just completely shut down.
I have now told him that I didn't know when I'd be coming back home and that he would have to first prove that he will follow through with his promises. My problem is that I've always been the one that tried to fix things when there was a falling out in the past. I was always the one that would go to him, trying to talk things out, because he would be "too proud" to take the first step. This time I've had enough and I've promised myself to let him work things out (or not work things out) on his own and not go back unless he's shown that he is sober and is working hard on staying sober (and then we can see if we can make our marriage work). But I'm scared I will end up missing him so much that I will end up going back before he works on himself. What did you do to stay strong/ to not give in??
For those of you who haven't read my last post - I left AH last Tuesday. I have to admit I have been back to talk twice. The first time went well - we had a good talk, he made lots of promises, saying that he will go back to the treatment center (that he had started and then stopped going to last Fall) because he needs to talk to a therapist, that he loves me and wants me to come back home, etc. The second time I went in the morning and he had been drinking all night (I think), because he was very defensive, blamed me for things I did/ didn't do instead of having a conversation with me and finally just completely shut down.
I have now told him that I didn't know when I'd be coming back home and that he would have to first prove that he will follow through with his promises. My problem is that I've always been the one that tried to fix things when there was a falling out in the past. I was always the one that would go to him, trying to talk things out, because he would be "too proud" to take the first step. This time I've had enough and I've promised myself to let him work things out (or not work things out) on his own and not go back unless he's shown that he is sober and is working hard on staying sober (and then we can see if we can make our marriage work). But I'm scared I will end up missing him so much that I will end up going back before he works on himself. What did you do to stay strong/ to not give in??
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,916
You might try making a list of all the reasons you left him in the first place. Don't leave anything out. There is a reason (or perhaps many) that you left. Before those reasons get pushed to the back recesses of your mind, write them down and you might also write down how those things he did made you feel. Do whatever you have to do to remind yourself that you tried numerous times to make things right but in spite of that, you ended up leaving him anyway. Why would one more chance be any different? It won't be.
Have you tried attending Al Anon meetings? Many people here swear by them as a way of detaching from the alcoholic and working on your own well-being.
Have you tried attending Al Anon meetings? Many people here swear by them as a way of detaching from the alcoholic and working on your own well-being.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I agree with Anvil. If there was something to miss you wouldn't have left. Once we leave, though, little bits of the relationship get replaced with wishful thinking and some of the really bad bits get minimized and even forgotten.
It helped me to focus on one particular event or episode that summed up for me my relationship as a whole. I could remember the good times fondly but stop short of thinking the relationship wasn't so bad making me miss him because I would be reminded of the reality of the situation.
Hang in there!
Alice
It helped me to focus on one particular event or episode that summed up for me my relationship as a whole. I could remember the good times fondly but stop short of thinking the relationship wasn't so bad making me miss him because I would be reminded of the reality of the situation.
Hang in there!
Alice
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
How do I stay strong? Because this pattern:
stayed consistent long enough for me to believe it wouldn't change. I, however, did change.
And because of this:
Thank you for asking. And providing the answers. Because quite frankly, I'm so busy with my life now that I forget how awful this was. I forget how desperate and pained and exhausted and sick and tired of being sick and tired I was. Your story is mine.
But now I gain energy from making my life as rich and wonderful as I possibly can, rather than have it sucked out of me.
I stopped trying to give the dead possum mouth to mouth.
The first time went well - we had a good talk, he made lots of promises, (insert promises here) that he loves me and wants me to come back home, etc. The second time I went in the morning and he had been drinking all night (I think), because he was very defensive, blamed me for things I did/ didn't do instead of having a conversation with me and finally just completely shut down.
And because of this:
I've always been the one that tried to fix things when there was a falling out in the past. I was always the one that would go to him, trying to talk things out, because he would be "too proud" to take the first step. This time I've had enough
But now I gain energy from making my life as rich and wonderful as I possibly can, rather than have it sucked out of me.
I stopped trying to give the dead possum mouth to mouth.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
You have to realize that you are mourning the man you WANT him to be, not the man HE IS.
Being away from the addict brings SO MUCH CLARITY! It's amazing. You begin to live again, you see your life differently. You are no longer shackled to someone that is diseased, weak and energy draining!
You begin to find yourself. You begin to take control of your life. Ultimately, you can only control you.
Once the addict realizes there are consequences, 2 things happen. One, they get help, and they get on a serious road to recovery. Two, they do the happy dance, hallejulah the witch is dead, I'm free, I can party, drink, do what I want!
If you stay, or if you go...ONE OF THOSE THINGS WILL HAPPEN.
You have to decide that what you are willing to put up with. What YOU can tolerate. It doesn't matter which road the addict takes, it matters what road YOU TAKE! You cannot save him, you cannot make him well, and you cannot make his decision for him. He will get recovery when he's ready. Until then no amount of threats, crying, or ultimatums will make the addict change for you. None. Nada. Zero.
Go out, and begin to live your life without him. Get involved in your church, get a hobby, get together with friends you have isolated from. Nurture your heart, your spirit, and YOUR life will be transformed. What he does, is up to him!
Hugs and Peace to you Beloved!
Being away from the addict brings SO MUCH CLARITY! It's amazing. You begin to live again, you see your life differently. You are no longer shackled to someone that is diseased, weak and energy draining!
You begin to find yourself. You begin to take control of your life. Ultimately, you can only control you.
Once the addict realizes there are consequences, 2 things happen. One, they get help, and they get on a serious road to recovery. Two, they do the happy dance, hallejulah the witch is dead, I'm free, I can party, drink, do what I want!
If you stay, or if you go...ONE OF THOSE THINGS WILL HAPPEN.
You have to decide that what you are willing to put up with. What YOU can tolerate. It doesn't matter which road the addict takes, it matters what road YOU TAKE! You cannot save him, you cannot make him well, and you cannot make his decision for him. He will get recovery when he's ready. Until then no amount of threats, crying, or ultimatums will make the addict change for you. None. Nada. Zero.
Go out, and begin to live your life without him. Get involved in your church, get a hobby, get together with friends you have isolated from. Nurture your heart, your spirit, and YOUR life will be transformed. What he does, is up to him!
Hugs and Peace to you Beloved!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
how did you stay strong?
I just begged for help. All of the time. I didn’t trust myself, like myself or love myself. I was too obsessed with AH.
I cried until I couldn’t anymore. I begged for help and it came. That’s in part how I got and stay strong
I begged Creator to help and heal me. All the time, I was praying. I was so jacked up. Sometimes I just said,
I can’t do this anymore, or
what am I going to do I can’t take this anymore
My youngest son and I found a marsh out in the country. A huge hill shields it from the road. You can climb the hill and look down at the marsh, the birds, the tall plants and fields. I saw beavers and deer from that hill.
There is a flat piece of land down at the ponds edge surrounded by marsh on three sides. The part next to the water is trimmed in tall prairie grass. you can lay down in it even in the middle of winter, if the sun is shining you’re fine. toasty warm. just lay down in little circles of flat grass and be so safe and sung. You can hear the wind around you. the splashing from the birds and beavers in the pond.
I used to go there and cry. I would run away from my house while fighting with AH, just get my keys and leave, try to run away from the madness and chaos and fear and rage. Once I yelled HELP ME PLEASE from the hill. I thought I was dying even though the moon was huge, so full, had an aura around it.
I never saw anyone there. Not once.
But I do think of those pleas now and know they've been answered. I'm grateful I"m no longer in that pain.
It really honestly takes letting go of him in order to be strong. I know that sounds crazy, but the thing I feared the most is the thing that has saved me. Kept me strong. Just let him go.
yeah I think that’s the answer. I let go. I release my obsession with him and refocus on myself...
I just begged for help. All of the time. I didn’t trust myself, like myself or love myself. I was too obsessed with AH.
I cried until I couldn’t anymore. I begged for help and it came. That’s in part how I got and stay strong
I begged Creator to help and heal me. All the time, I was praying. I was so jacked up. Sometimes I just said,
I can’t do this anymore, or
what am I going to do I can’t take this anymore
My youngest son and I found a marsh out in the country. A huge hill shields it from the road. You can climb the hill and look down at the marsh, the birds, the tall plants and fields. I saw beavers and deer from that hill.
There is a flat piece of land down at the ponds edge surrounded by marsh on three sides. The part next to the water is trimmed in tall prairie grass. you can lay down in it even in the middle of winter, if the sun is shining you’re fine. toasty warm. just lay down in little circles of flat grass and be so safe and sung. You can hear the wind around you. the splashing from the birds and beavers in the pond.
I used to go there and cry. I would run away from my house while fighting with AH, just get my keys and leave, try to run away from the madness and chaos and fear and rage. Once I yelled HELP ME PLEASE from the hill. I thought I was dying even though the moon was huge, so full, had an aura around it.
I never saw anyone there. Not once.
But I do think of those pleas now and know they've been answered. I'm grateful I"m no longer in that pain.
It really honestly takes letting go of him in order to be strong. I know that sounds crazy, but the thing I feared the most is the thing that has saved me. Kept me strong. Just let him go.
yeah I think that’s the answer. I let go. I release my obsession with him and refocus on myself...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I came here and read... and heard my own story echoed through everyone else's words... except that the "I'm been married 10 years..." became "20 years."
I journaled about what I'd been though, and went back and read those words, when I was mired in insanity and chaos. And reflect on how peaceful my life has been since getting out.
I did get away. I detached. I distanced. And now I see him as my friends and family have seen him - as I wished I could have. Because, man, he hurt me.
And I'm not gonna let it happen again.
I journaled about what I'd been though, and went back and read those words, when I was mired in insanity and chaos. And reflect on how peaceful my life has been since getting out.
I did get away. I detached. I distanced. And now I see him as my friends and family have seen him - as I wished I could have. Because, man, he hurt me.
And I'm not gonna let it happen again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
How did I stay strong?
I went back and read my journals a lot, so I could always have a refresher of just how hellish I'd allowed my life to become.
You might read your first post in this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-bottom.html
Whenever you're considering going back, you might ponder whether you would encourage a daughter or a beloved friend to go back to such a horrible, horrible situation.
I also made myself a commitment that I would not re-enter the relationship for at least 6 months - no matter what he promised or did. (Yours is just quacking and I think you know this...he just wants his enabler back and will tell you what he thinks you want to hear) A time period gave me 'safe time' to see what healthy life and relationships looked like.
Find yourself an apartment - a safe place. Relearn life without all that psychosis. If you're just biding your time for a few days, holding out for some sign that he'll change, then you are still playing the game, and are in real danger of diving back into that toxic soup.
Hoping you will continue to focus strongly on you.
I went back and read my journals a lot, so I could always have a refresher of just how hellish I'd allowed my life to become.
You might read your first post in this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-bottom.html
Whenever you're considering going back, you might ponder whether you would encourage a daughter or a beloved friend to go back to such a horrible, horrible situation.
I also made myself a commitment that I would not re-enter the relationship for at least 6 months - no matter what he promised or did. (Yours is just quacking and I think you know this...he just wants his enabler back and will tell you what he thinks you want to hear) A time period gave me 'safe time' to see what healthy life and relationships looked like.
Find yourself an apartment - a safe place. Relearn life without all that psychosis. If you're just biding your time for a few days, holding out for some sign that he'll change, then you are still playing the game, and are in real danger of diving back into that toxic soup.
Hoping you will continue to focus strongly on you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Originally Posted by transformyself 
How do I stay strong? Because this pattern:
stayed consistent long enough for me to believe it wouldn't change. I, however, did change.
And because of this:
Thank you for asking. And providing the answers. Because quite frankly, I'm so busy with my life now that I forget how awful this was. I forget how desperate and pained and exhausted and sick and tired of being sick and tired I was. Your story is mine.
But now I gain energy from making my life as rich and wonderful as I possibly can, rather than have it sucked out of me.
I stopped trying to give the dead possum mouth to mouth.
stayed consistent long enough for me to believe it wouldn't change. I, however, did change.
And because of this:
Thank you for asking. And providing the answers. Because quite frankly, I'm so busy with my life now that I forget how awful this was. I forget how desperate and pained and exhausted and sick and tired of being sick and tired I was. Your story is mine.
But now I gain energy from making my life as rich and wonderful as I possibly can, rather than have it sucked out of me.
I stopped trying to give the dead possum mouth to mouth.
And Lotus, you hang in there, honey - you know what is true and what is decent behavior and what you won't tolerate. You already know it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Lotus, try this.
Look back at what prompted you to leave, why it was so bad for you.
Using just single words, (eg pain, lies, smelly, angry) and write them in large print on a big sheet of paper. Put this where you can easily see it whenever you start "missing" him.
I had taken a few snaps of my late AH when lolling, drunk in his chair with drink in hand. I put a couple of those, on the piece of butcher's paper....very visual reminder for me.
God bless
Look back at what prompted you to leave, why it was so bad for you.
Using just single words, (eg pain, lies, smelly, angry) and write them in large print on a big sheet of paper. Put this where you can easily see it whenever you start "missing" him.
I had taken a few snaps of my late AH when lolling, drunk in his chair with drink in hand. I put a couple of those, on the piece of butcher's paper....very visual reminder for me.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
I never wanted to be lied to again.
I never wanted to be verbally abused again
I never wanted the children to be scared/ashamed of bringing friends home again
I never wanted to be made a fool of again (OW)
I wanted my dignity back.
I wanted my health back.
I did not want to deal with a drunk anymore.
I never wanted to hear empty promises again.
I did not want a partner anymore that cannot commit to anything
I did not want to feel responsible for anybody's happiness ,but for mine and my kids
I wanted my self-respect back
I wanted to have the respect of my children
I did not want any blame for his problems anymore
I WAS DONE - OVER and OUT
I never wanted to be verbally abused again
I never wanted the children to be scared/ashamed of bringing friends home again
I never wanted to be made a fool of again (OW)
I wanted my dignity back.
I wanted my health back.
I did not want to deal with a drunk anymore.
I never wanted to hear empty promises again.
I did not want a partner anymore that cannot commit to anything
I did not want to feel responsible for anybody's happiness ,but for mine and my kids
I wanted my self-respect back
I wanted to have the respect of my children
I did not want any blame for his problems anymore
I WAS DONE - OVER and OUT
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You got to realize if you feel weak that there is a Higher power taking you somewhere else and protecting you.
Its like when I take my cat and kittens to the vet, they cry and get nervous and feel unsafe and don't know what it is about. In reality there is a very responsible person who is in charge and is driving and knows where to go, for the greatest good of everyone involved.
Its like when I take my cat and kittens to the vet, they cry and get nervous and feel unsafe and don't know what it is about. In reality there is a very responsible person who is in charge and is driving and knows where to go, for the greatest good of everyone involved.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My therapist suggested I tell my XAH to do 90 meetings in 90 and commit to recovery or I was gone. He didn't. So I divorced him. This was after he lost his job, jail, Dui's, lying, and several other dealbreakers. He got that last chance. It was his choice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Thanks for all of your advice!
I've got an exam coming up that I have to study for - so I'm trying to focus on that (which hasn't been easy, but at least I've got something to keep myself occupied with). Once I'm done with the exam I'm going to start using some of your tips (making a list, printing out my post from last week to carry around with me, etc.).
It just really, really sucks right now, because I think my AH is chosing the 2nd path (that IAmSaved listed) - I think he's doing the happy dance... The last time I saw him (saturday) I found out that he and other coworkers of his went to the same female coworkers house that he had stayed out with until early morning 2 nights last week; he's been hanging out with and texting his female coworkers but hardly got in touch with me at all (got 3 texts this whole week I was gone). His wife left and he doesn't even seem to care! All I want to do right now is hide out in bed. I feel like crying all the time, but then I put my focus on the present moment and try to push thoughts of AH out of my mind - I really need to study for this stupid exam so there's no time for wallowing in self-pity. It's worse at night when I'm trying to sleep and I'm by myself - I keep worrying that something might have happened to AH or I think about him trying to hook up with other women (which I am sure is what he is doing right now, otherwise he'd be texting/ calling me) and then I get angry, and upset, and hurt even more. Sorry, just a little vent! I know what I need to do and you all have helped me a lot!!!
I've got an exam coming up that I have to study for - so I'm trying to focus on that (which hasn't been easy, but at least I've got something to keep myself occupied with). Once I'm done with the exam I'm going to start using some of your tips (making a list, printing out my post from last week to carry around with me, etc.).
It just really, really sucks right now, because I think my AH is chosing the 2nd path (that IAmSaved listed) - I think he's doing the happy dance... The last time I saw him (saturday) I found out that he and other coworkers of his went to the same female coworkers house that he had stayed out with until early morning 2 nights last week; he's been hanging out with and texting his female coworkers but hardly got in touch with me at all (got 3 texts this whole week I was gone). His wife left and he doesn't even seem to care! All I want to do right now is hide out in bed. I feel like crying all the time, but then I put my focus on the present moment and try to push thoughts of AH out of my mind - I really need to study for this stupid exam so there's no time for wallowing in self-pity. It's worse at night when I'm trying to sleep and I'm by myself - I keep worrying that something might have happened to AH or I think about him trying to hook up with other women (which I am sure is what he is doing right now, otherwise he'd be texting/ calling me) and then I get angry, and upset, and hurt even more. Sorry, just a little vent! I know what I need to do and you all have helped me a lot!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
[QUOTE=GiveLove;2554763]If you're just biding your time for a few days, holding out for some sign that he'll change, then you are still playing the game, and are in real danger of diving back into that toxic soup.[QUOTE]
I'm (slowly) starting to realize that! Thanks for pointing that out.
And I think that's what AH is expecting me to do - coming home because he promised he'd change (well, I guess I can't blame him for believing that, it's always worked for him in the past). Argh, sometimes I wish life was a happy fairy tale! Gotta keep looking at the positive though (my friend was great this past weekend - she kept telling me how even though I'm going through a tough time, there are some positive things that came out of it all).
It's really late and I need to get some sleep now!
I'm (slowly) starting to realize that! Thanks for pointing that out.
And I think that's what AH is expecting me to do - coming home because he promised he'd change (well, I guess I can't blame him for believing that, it's always worked for him in the past). Argh, sometimes I wish life was a happy fairy tale! Gotta keep looking at the positive though (my friend was great this past weekend - she kept telling me how even though I'm going through a tough time, there are some positive things that came out of it all).
It's really late and I need to get some sleep now!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
You got to realize if you feel weak that there is a Higher power taking you somewhere else and protecting you.
Its like when I take my cat and kittens to the vet, they cry and get nervous and feel unsafe and don't know what it is about. In reality there is a very responsible person who is in charge and is driving and knows where to go, for the greatest good of everyone involved.
Its like when I take my cat and kittens to the vet, they cry and get nervous and feel unsafe and don't know what it is about. In reality there is a very responsible person who is in charge and is driving and knows where to go, for the greatest good of everyone involved.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
I let go. I release my obsession with him and refocus on myself...
I almost took pictures of him drunk and revolting while living together to remind myself knowing it was ending but didn't want the photos so imprinted the scenes in my mind in a safe place to recall when I need.
I came to understand my role in his patterns and let them go. I released responsibility for his issue back to him where they belonged.
I posted here frequently and read the wisdom from those who had gone before me and i learnt to love me more than i loved him.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
It's worse at night when I'm trying to sleep and I'm by myself
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I think, as others have said, you keep coming to S/R. You will recieve a lot of support here.
I know there are things you will miss about him, even with all the bad junk, and there will be times when you're feeling weak and want to give in. Those stupid love songs, like the one called "Need You Now" just play into this.
Make a goal, such as the N/C for six months no matter what. You will be more likely to stick to it. And tell a trusted friend or relative. Once you really commit, that will help you to stick to it as well.
You're doing the right thing. No question.
I know there are things you will miss about him, even with all the bad junk, and there will be times when you're feeling weak and want to give in. Those stupid love songs, like the one called "Need You Now" just play into this.
Make a goal, such as the N/C for six months no matter what. You will be more likely to stick to it. And tell a trusted friend or relative. Once you really commit, that will help you to stick to it as well.
You're doing the right thing. No question.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 8
I am in a really similar situation as yours. My exaf had a relapse and I told him that I wasn't even going to consider coming back unless he was able to pull it together. But then after I left and took our child with me he fell into a serious depression and couldn't keep it together at all. He's currently getting help and I am just not sure what to do anymore. I am just taking things one day at a time. I have come to learn that he has to take care of this on his own. I can support him but I can't help him do this it's up to him. I too was the one who was always trying to fix things when they fell apart and I'm to the point where I am not going to do that anymore. I am not the one with the problem he is and I can't change that for him therefore he is the one that needs to fix things. I am just going to play things out as they come. I am going to let him know that I support him and I am there for him but I don't want to be in a relationship with him at this point in time because I am just not ready for it. I have only been on this website for a couple of days and it has been a wealth of help to me. Before I joined here I had NO idea what I was going to do. I would stay up all night tossing and turning, my mind racing trying to put together a logical idea on what to do but I was just clueless. After reading many posts on here and getting advice I have finally formulated a plan on what to do with my current situation(not freak out and over think things,take days one at a time, and know I can't fix this problem so just to simply be there for him while he fixes things for himself). It feels great to have some what have a grasp on what to do with the situation and I can finally sleep at night again. As far as things to do to stay strong I am also worried about falling right back as well so I am going to read the responses to your post now 
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