The Guilt is Getting to Me
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
The Guilt is Getting to Me
Hello all,
I am wondering if anyone can relate to where I am at right now?
I have posted a couple of times, if you are curious about the back story.
My partner has been without a drink (I think) since Feb. 5th. She does not believe that she has a drinking problem, and views her ability to go without alcohol without withdrawal symptoms as evidence to that fact. She is still a daily marijuana user. For some reason, her stoned is less offensive to me than her drunk. Less out of control and unpredictable.
We have had three conversations since Dec. 30 where we discuss the drinking and how I am feeling hopeless about the future of our relationship. I have communicated that I feel the need to move out and get my own place with my daughter. Each time, the conversation has been emotional, confusing (for me), painful. And each time, it ends with a state of limbo. That is where we are currently at - in a state of limbo. I am seeing a therapist, going to Alanon when I can. I have communicated that I don't know what I want, that although I am scared to move out and be on my own, I am starting to think that might be the only way I can move toward my own healing. But each time, by the end of the conversation, we are relatively back to where we started...
As far as I know, she has not had a drink since our last conversation on Feb. 5. I have not seen her drunk. But I cannot help but be suspicious. I cannot help but look for empty bottles hidden somewhere, receipts thrown away. I suspect her constantly. I have my own bedroom, and I jolt awake at the smallest sound, trying to discern what the sound is related to. I have found no evidence that she is secretly drinking. But the last time we went through this, after our conversation on Dec. 30, I found out that she had been keeping her whiskey in her bedroom about three weeks into it. (She said she was not hiding it, just wanting to be the boss of it, knowing that she could control it, and not have to ask "mommy" for permission to have whiskey in her coffee.) Despite this rationalization, I still felt betrayed. It validated my fear that she was capable of lying to me about drinking. And now I can't let go of that fear.
I feel so guilty for doubting. I can't bring myself to be intimate with her. I can't trust again in the relationship. And I wonder constantly if this really is just my problem. And I wonder if the relationship is dead at this point. I can't seem to rekindle my loving feelings for her, beyond just the care and concern I have for her as a friend. I don't want to be close. I don't want to kiss. I don't want to make myself vulnerable again.
I feel very, very guilty. It feels like she is trying very hard on several levels (though she is not seeking AA or therapy for any of her issues), but on a daily basis is overly present and affectionate. And I feel like I've turned to stone.
Has anyone gone through this? What's going on here, for me? I can't figure out how to work on this relationship. I feel closed to it. I do want to work on myself, on my own healing, my own analysis, as this relationship has triggered so much old history for me, childhood traumas and patterns. I don't want to carry it with me any longer.
If you can relate, please share your story with me.
Thanks SR, you are my daily source of comfort and strength.
I am wondering if anyone can relate to where I am at right now?
I have posted a couple of times, if you are curious about the back story.
My partner has been without a drink (I think) since Feb. 5th. She does not believe that she has a drinking problem, and views her ability to go without alcohol without withdrawal symptoms as evidence to that fact. She is still a daily marijuana user. For some reason, her stoned is less offensive to me than her drunk. Less out of control and unpredictable.
We have had three conversations since Dec. 30 where we discuss the drinking and how I am feeling hopeless about the future of our relationship. I have communicated that I feel the need to move out and get my own place with my daughter. Each time, the conversation has been emotional, confusing (for me), painful. And each time, it ends with a state of limbo. That is where we are currently at - in a state of limbo. I am seeing a therapist, going to Alanon when I can. I have communicated that I don't know what I want, that although I am scared to move out and be on my own, I am starting to think that might be the only way I can move toward my own healing. But each time, by the end of the conversation, we are relatively back to where we started...
As far as I know, she has not had a drink since our last conversation on Feb. 5. I have not seen her drunk. But I cannot help but be suspicious. I cannot help but look for empty bottles hidden somewhere, receipts thrown away. I suspect her constantly. I have my own bedroom, and I jolt awake at the smallest sound, trying to discern what the sound is related to. I have found no evidence that she is secretly drinking. But the last time we went through this, after our conversation on Dec. 30, I found out that she had been keeping her whiskey in her bedroom about three weeks into it. (She said she was not hiding it, just wanting to be the boss of it, knowing that she could control it, and not have to ask "mommy" for permission to have whiskey in her coffee.) Despite this rationalization, I still felt betrayed. It validated my fear that she was capable of lying to me about drinking. And now I can't let go of that fear.
I feel so guilty for doubting. I can't bring myself to be intimate with her. I can't trust again in the relationship. And I wonder constantly if this really is just my problem. And I wonder if the relationship is dead at this point. I can't seem to rekindle my loving feelings for her, beyond just the care and concern I have for her as a friend. I don't want to be close. I don't want to kiss. I don't want to make myself vulnerable again.
I feel very, very guilty. It feels like she is trying very hard on several levels (though she is not seeking AA or therapy for any of her issues), but on a daily basis is overly present and affectionate. And I feel like I've turned to stone.
Has anyone gone through this? What's going on here, for me? I can't figure out how to work on this relationship. I feel closed to it. I do want to work on myself, on my own healing, my own analysis, as this relationship has triggered so much old history for me, childhood traumas and patterns. I don't want to carry it with me any longer.
If you can relate, please share your story with me.
Thanks SR, you are my daily source of comfort and strength.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It sounds to me like you are done with this and the only thing that is holding you back is your feelings of fear and guilt. Neither of which are healthy reasons for staying in a relationship. I'm sorry this relationship did not work out for you but you sound ready to move on and just need to bite the bullet and do it. You sound ready. MY opinion?
This person is holding you down, holding you back from realizing your TRUE potential. You need to break out of this and run like hell, never look back.
Right. You are doing your work and realize that to heal you need to get OUT of this relationship and move on with your life, in a healthy direction. Because what you have got thus far has NOT been positive or healthy enough, yes? But then when you talk to HER, you get confused, feel guilty, scared, and don't know what you want. I am willing to go out on a limb here and say, Yes, you DO know what you want, you're just afraid.
LOSE THE GUILT. NOW. Whatever you need to do to lose the guilt, DO IT. Because guilt is POISON.
FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. Leap and the net will appear, I PROMISE. You are in limbo because you are afraid you are going to make the wrong decision and you want the alcoholic / addict to decide for you. Not healthy. It's OKAY for you to decide and it's OKAY for you to make a mistake (although I don't think you are making a mistake).
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. They NEVER lie to you.
Your feelings are RIGHT. Again, trust your instincts. The guilt you allow yourself to feel are telling you the OPPOSITE of what your instincts are telling you. Get rid of the guilt and the doubt about what you need to do goes away. The only way I know of to get rid of the guilt is to CONSCIOUSLY tell myself time and time again, over and over, NO GUILT!!!
Yes.
In EVERY relationship we have during our lifetime, there is a life LESSON for you to learn. Each relationship brings us a new opportunity to PRACTICE what we have learned. Look for the lesson Phoenix10. You will find it if you just step out and back, and look.
Here is how Iyanla VanZant explains it. This is not an exact quote, as I just got it off another website. All you have to do is decide, which one is THIS relationship? I bet you will recognize it when you read it:
Every person who comes into our life, comes for either a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.
When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. Next!
When a prayer is answered, there is no need to cry.
When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may teach you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season. In the same way that leaves must fall from the trees, or the moon becomes full and then disappears, your seasonal relationship will end at the divinely appointed time. When that time comes, there is nothing you can say or do to make it work. There is no one you can blame. You cannot fix it. You cannot explain it. The harder you clutch, the worse it will feel. When the end of a season comes in a loving relationship, the only thing for you to do is let go.
For everything there is a season.
Lifetime relationships are a bit more difficult to let go of. When a parent, child, or spouse is involved, the wounds are very deep. When the end of a relationship comes, you may feel that you would be better off dead. The pain seems to grow, the memories linger, a part of your life is dying. You relive every painful moment in an attempt to understand. Your job is not to understand. Your job is to accept. Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. They are the most difficult lessons to learn, the most painful to accept; yet these are the things you need in order to grow. When you are facing a separation of the end of a lifetime relationship, the key is to find the lesson; love the person anyway; move on and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships.
A new life begins when a part of life ends.
This person is holding you down, holding you back from realizing your TRUE potential. You need to break out of this and run like hell, never look back.
I am feeling hopeless about the future of our relationship. I have communicated that I feel the need to move out and get my own place with my daughter. Each time, the conversation has been emotional, confusing (for me), painful. And each time, it ends with a state of limbo. That is where we are currently at - in a state of limbo. I am seeing a therapist, going to Alanon when I can. I have communicated that I don't know what I want, that although I am scared to move out and be on my own, I am starting to think that might be the only way I can move toward my own healing. But each time, by the end of the conversation, we are relatively back to where we started...
LOSE THE GUILT. NOW. Whatever you need to do to lose the guilt, DO IT. Because guilt is POISON.
FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. Leap and the net will appear, I PROMISE. You are in limbo because you are afraid you are going to make the wrong decision and you want the alcoholic / addict to decide for you. Not healthy. It's OKAY for you to decide and it's OKAY for you to make a mistake (although I don't think you are making a mistake).
... I cannot help but be suspicious... I still felt betrayed. It validated my fear that she was capable of lying to me about drinking. And now I can't let go of that fear...I can't bring myself to be intimate with her. I can't trust again in the relationship. And I wonder constantly if this really is just my problem.
And I wonder if the relationship is dead at this point. I can't seem to rekindle my loving feelings for her, beyond just the care and concern I have for her as a friend. I don't want to be close. I don't want to kiss. I don't want to make myself vulnerable again.
Has anyone gone through this?
What's going on here, for me? I can't figure out how to work on this relationship. I feel closed to it. I do want to work on myself, on my own healing, my own analysis, as this relationship has triggered so much old history for me, childhood traumas and patterns. I don't want to carry it with me any longer.
Here is how Iyanla VanZant explains it. This is not an exact quote, as I just got it off another website. All you have to do is decide, which one is THIS relationship? I bet you will recognize it when you read it:
Every person who comes into our life, comes for either a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime.
When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. Next!
When a prayer is answered, there is no need to cry.
When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may teach you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But only for a season. In the same way that leaves must fall from the trees, or the moon becomes full and then disappears, your seasonal relationship will end at the divinely appointed time. When that time comes, there is nothing you can say or do to make it work. There is no one you can blame. You cannot fix it. You cannot explain it. The harder you clutch, the worse it will feel. When the end of a season comes in a loving relationship, the only thing for you to do is let go.
For everything there is a season.
Lifetime relationships are a bit more difficult to let go of. When a parent, child, or spouse is involved, the wounds are very deep. When the end of a relationship comes, you may feel that you would be better off dead. The pain seems to grow, the memories linger, a part of your life is dying. You relive every painful moment in an attempt to understand. Your job is not to understand. Your job is to accept. Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. They are the most difficult lessons to learn, the most painful to accept; yet these are the things you need in order to grow. When you are facing a separation of the end of a lifetime relationship, the key is to find the lesson; love the person anyway; move on and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships.
A new life begins when a part of life ends.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Hi Phoenix
..and thanks for your thoughtful post!
I did this dance with my XAB for 2 1/2 yrs, and felt exactly how you do. We would fight, he would blame me for controlling him, I would tell him I was moving out, etc. Then we somehow worked our way back to trying to work it out. I would walk on eggshells until the next drunk episode, and the dance would start again. Same steps, same partner, same results.
I finally had enough, and hit bottom with my A, and acted on my threat. I had no choice but to move out. I was so scared, and I was fearful of NOT living in his chaos. I was afraid to leave him with his demons, and how did that make me look? I was leaving an addict when HE needed me..right????
Well, its' 3 weeks today. I am feeling better, although I have my moments. I have my own place, and I have PEACE! Sometimes, it's TOO quiet. But then I remember the weekends, and him being drunk all weekend. I don't miss that. I'll take the silence over the madness.
You have to decide how long you are willing to live in the chaos. You don't feel love for this person, and she doesn't sound like she is working any sort of recovery program. Remember the 3 C's always...you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
I am sad for you, and your daughter. Think of her, and if she should be subject to this environment. Kids see and hear and take in everything! They are like sponges! She deserves a stable, loving, peaceful home!
My best to you! Keep coming here, keep posting! This place is my sanctuary as well! Lots of awesome people here to help!
..and thanks for your thoughtful post!I did this dance with my XAB for 2 1/2 yrs, and felt exactly how you do. We would fight, he would blame me for controlling him, I would tell him I was moving out, etc. Then we somehow worked our way back to trying to work it out. I would walk on eggshells until the next drunk episode, and the dance would start again. Same steps, same partner, same results.
I finally had enough, and hit bottom with my A, and acted on my threat. I had no choice but to move out. I was so scared, and I was fearful of NOT living in his chaos. I was afraid to leave him with his demons, and how did that make me look? I was leaving an addict when HE needed me..right????
Well, its' 3 weeks today. I am feeling better, although I have my moments. I have my own place, and I have PEACE! Sometimes, it's TOO quiet. But then I remember the weekends, and him being drunk all weekend. I don't miss that. I'll take the silence over the madness.
You have to decide how long you are willing to live in the chaos. You don't feel love for this person, and she doesn't sound like she is working any sort of recovery program. Remember the 3 C's always...you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
I am sad for you, and your daughter. Think of her, and if she should be subject to this environment. Kids see and hear and take in everything! They are like sponges! She deserves a stable, loving, peaceful home!
My best to you! Keep coming here, keep posting! This place is my sanctuary as well! Lots of awesome people here to help!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i do not believe we can have a functional relationship with an addict (alcoholic) in active addiction. it is simply not possible.
so, you are kinda beating yourself up because of your feelings of animosity and reverse-attraction to her. you are questioning your feelings, reactions, behaviors toward her. but, if she has not turned things around, not working a recovery program, even if she's put the bottle down, she is still functioning like an addict in active addiction.
does this make sense?
don't put pressure on yourself to think, react, or feel things you simply don't. you can step back, take some breaths, and wait for clarity.
so, you are kinda beating yourself up because of your feelings of animosity and reverse-attraction to her. you are questioning your feelings, reactions, behaviors toward her. but, if she has not turned things around, not working a recovery program, even if she's put the bottle down, she is still functioning like an addict in active addiction.
does this make sense?
don't put pressure on yourself to think, react, or feel things you simply don't. you can step back, take some breaths, and wait for clarity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
Thank you everyone.
I take so much comfort in this community and your wonderful words of compassion, support, and experience.
I hope to one day be in a place to offer something in return.
Until then, I'll keep reading!
much love....
I take so much comfort in this community and your wonderful words of compassion, support, and experience.
I hope to one day be in a place to offer something in return.
Until then, I'll keep reading!
much love....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Phoenix - you sound eerily like myself last summer, just before I hit rock bottom with my ExAGF, took my cat, packed up my things and left for good. It will only take a nudge at this point I think to push you to a similar course of action.
I was lucky, however, as she had already taken all my love, support, trust and goodwill and long ago flushed it all down the toilet. Once you reach that point, you end up numb if you stay.
I can honestly say that I have not shed so much as a tear since leaving. I may not be in a perfect place right now, but I have peace, and I have my sanity. For her the lies and denial continue on - with or without me, they continue on. I have no pain, no separation anxiety, no angst, no heartbreak......nothing of the sort....such was the complete and utter destruction her addiction, her denial and her alcoholism did to the relationship. Truth is, she lost me long ago and I realised I was merely going through the motions.
Truth is, in hindsight, I see clearly that this creature did not, nor did she ever love me. I was merely a tool, another dupe in a long line of dupes whom she utilised to continue mired in her sad life.
How do I know this? She faked her way through drug & alcohol rehab, and continued to drink secretively. She talks all the language of a person in recovery, however, it's all a lie. It's all an act, and a very transparent one to me now too. Once I realised she had been full of it all along, my decision became simple.
"I feel so guilty for doubting. I can't bring myself to be intimate with her. I can't trust again in the relationship. And I wonder constantly if this really is just my problem. And I wonder if the relationship is dead at this point. I can't seem to rekindle my loving feelings for her, beyond just the care and concern I have for her as a friend. I don't want to be close. I don't want to kiss. I don't want to make myself vulnerable again."
I too cannot bring myself to trust her again. I am full of revulsion, yes REVULSION at the thought of being physically intimate with her.
I was and am still in the exact same place as you. The betrayal sometimes hurts, but not much.
Hope that helps. But if you're waiting for yours to change, even if you leave, I wouldn't hold your breath.
I'm lucky though - I don't feel any guilt. When I think of all the things I did to help and support this person, only to be treated like complete and utter trash, well, guilt is the last thing I am feeling.
I was lucky, however, as she had already taken all my love, support, trust and goodwill and long ago flushed it all down the toilet. Once you reach that point, you end up numb if you stay.
I can honestly say that I have not shed so much as a tear since leaving. I may not be in a perfect place right now, but I have peace, and I have my sanity. For her the lies and denial continue on - with or without me, they continue on. I have no pain, no separation anxiety, no angst, no heartbreak......nothing of the sort....such was the complete and utter destruction her addiction, her denial and her alcoholism did to the relationship. Truth is, she lost me long ago and I realised I was merely going through the motions.
Truth is, in hindsight, I see clearly that this creature did not, nor did she ever love me. I was merely a tool, another dupe in a long line of dupes whom she utilised to continue mired in her sad life.
How do I know this? She faked her way through drug & alcohol rehab, and continued to drink secretively. She talks all the language of a person in recovery, however, it's all a lie. It's all an act, and a very transparent one to me now too. Once I realised she had been full of it all along, my decision became simple.
"I feel so guilty for doubting. I can't bring myself to be intimate with her. I can't trust again in the relationship. And I wonder constantly if this really is just my problem. And I wonder if the relationship is dead at this point. I can't seem to rekindle my loving feelings for her, beyond just the care and concern I have for her as a friend. I don't want to be close. I don't want to kiss. I don't want to make myself vulnerable again."
I too cannot bring myself to trust her again. I am full of revulsion, yes REVULSION at the thought of being physically intimate with her.
I was and am still in the exact same place as you. The betrayal sometimes hurts, but not much.
Hope that helps. But if you're waiting for yours to change, even if you leave, I wouldn't hold your breath.
I'm lucky though - I don't feel any guilt. When I think of all the things I did to help and support this person, only to be treated like complete and utter trash, well, guilt is the last thing I am feeling.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by Duped 
When I think of all the things I did to help and support this person, only to be treated like complete and utter trash, well, guilt is the last thing I am feeling.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I don't feel any guilt. When I think of all the things I did to help and support this person, only to be treated like complete and utter trash, well, guilt is the last thing I am feeling.
At least I know I TRIED. I am so damn persistent, and so damn hard-headed, I had to go through this MULTIPLE times with different people before I GOT the fact that some people are JUST SELFISH and they will USE YOU and not bat an eyelash. They will PRETEND to be one thing, they will walk the walk and talk the talk but in actuality, they have a completely different MODUS OPERANDI than you do. Eventually, their own motives will wear through the facade. How much reality are you willing to face at a time as the curtain is pulled back and their true selves revealed? (shudder)
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
in re-reading/skimming over your original post, phoenix, i see that you asked for people to share their own stories.
my ex-husband got arrested (d.u.i) about five years into the marriage. he was so sick with feelings of shame & worthlessness, and had truly hit bottom. he did a 30-day inpatient rehab and when he got out, he had a new lease on life, and i on our marriage. we were on the treatment high for MONTHS. we took the honeymoon we missed when we wed. we had three young daughters and a long life of fulfilling our dreams ahead of us. after a year he relapsed. got up, we each brushed ourselves off, and back on the wagon. things were never the same, however. years of disconnection from me and our children, poor communication, and simply not wanting to work on himself eroded my love for him. it got to the point where i felt...well, i would have to use the word comtempt. i had absolutely no respect for him and i made the decision during a long weekend we all took to chicago, which, like many others, he made tense and took the fun out of it (while he was there; when we left him in the hotel room, the rest of us had a great time). during that drive up lakeshore drive (my girls had never been) when he would not pull off to find parking so that my girls - sitting in the back seat in their swimsuits - could swim in lake michigan, was when i really knew. at this point, he could have turned into bill wilson himself and i don't think i would have been able to fall back in love with him. it was like a limb that you used to love, but it got paralyzed and caused you difficulty, then eventually it got gangrene and you realized you had to amputate it, to save the rest of your body. that's what i think, and that's what i did.
there is productive and unproductive guilt. decide which one is going on here.
imo, if your wife is not doing anything to get better, she either already is drinking, or she soon will be. it's just a matter of time.
my ex-husband got arrested (d.u.i) about five years into the marriage. he was so sick with feelings of shame & worthlessness, and had truly hit bottom. he did a 30-day inpatient rehab and when he got out, he had a new lease on life, and i on our marriage. we were on the treatment high for MONTHS. we took the honeymoon we missed when we wed. we had three young daughters and a long life of fulfilling our dreams ahead of us. after a year he relapsed. got up, we each brushed ourselves off, and back on the wagon. things were never the same, however. years of disconnection from me and our children, poor communication, and simply not wanting to work on himself eroded my love for him. it got to the point where i felt...well, i would have to use the word comtempt. i had absolutely no respect for him and i made the decision during a long weekend we all took to chicago, which, like many others, he made tense and took the fun out of it (while he was there; when we left him in the hotel room, the rest of us had a great time). during that drive up lakeshore drive (my girls had never been) when he would not pull off to find parking so that my girls - sitting in the back seat in their swimsuits - could swim in lake michigan, was when i really knew. at this point, he could have turned into bill wilson himself and i don't think i would have been able to fall back in love with him. it was like a limb that you used to love, but it got paralyzed and caused you difficulty, then eventually it got gangrene and you realized you had to amputate it, to save the rest of your body. that's what i think, and that's what i did.
there is productive and unproductive guilt. decide which one is going on here.
imo, if your wife is not doing anything to get better, she either already is drinking, or she soon will be. it's just a matter of time.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Yup. Isn't it a shame to know that we HAVE to go through this to realize what we are doing, so that we can stop feeling what we were feeling that was keeping us mired in it in the first place? SO FRUSTRATING I know but at least living through it all helps you to learn the lesson you need to learn in order to get rid of that guilt you shouldn't have been feeling in the first place.
At least I know I TRIED. I am so damn persistent, and so damn hard-headed, I had to go through this MULTIPLE times with different people before I GOT the fact that some people are JUST SELFISH and they will USE YOU and not bat an eyelash. They will PRETEND to be one thing, they will walk the walk and talk the talk but in actuality, they have a completely different MODUS OPERANDI than you do. Eventually, their own motives will wear through the facade. How much reality are you willing to face at a time as the curtain is pulled back and their true selves revealed? (shudder)
At least I know I TRIED. I am so damn persistent, and so damn hard-headed, I had to go through this MULTIPLE times with different people before I GOT the fact that some people are JUST SELFISH and they will USE YOU and not bat an eyelash. They will PRETEND to be one thing, they will walk the walk and talk the talk but in actuality, they have a completely different MODUS OPERANDI than you do. Eventually, their own motives will wear through the facade. How much reality are you willing to face at a time as the curtain is pulled back and their true selves revealed? (shudder)
The writing was on the wall, I just had to see it. Fortunately for me, and not so fortunately for her......her true nature was irrepressible. She simply could not behave in a manner which was aligned with the bogus facade she put up. The truth ALWAYS comes out.
Guilt? Not a chance. Not for someone who lied to me through an entire relationship. Not for someone insincere like that. Not for someone selfish to a fault. No way.
There's no way in hell I was going to let myself be treated like that for one day more. But then again, I could tell you tales about this person that would raise the hair on your head.
One can only take so much unacceptable, shocking and outrageous behavior that would make the denizens of a trailer park blush.
And then to have same person turn around and tell me how good we are for each other, that we are smart people, raised properly and with similar morals.....um, no honey, I don't think so.....
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by IamSaved
I cannot WAIT to get to this feeling!
In essence.....I gave up, and I don't regret it for one minute. The choice was simple, sacrifice my own happiness, and everything that I have ever worked for, or save myself.
I don't know about you, but putting my head on the chopping block is not something I am willing to do, and I came to realise that staying with this person would be essentially just that - it really hit home when someone who knows how much pride and hard work that I have put into my 15+ year career said, "Duped, think about how hard you have worked to get where you are, now why on earth would you want to flush that all down the toilet? She'll only bring you down, and likely eventually to her level."
At some point you are forced to make a decision. Who do you love more? Yourself? Or this sad person?
I have no shame in admitting that I love myself far, far more than this person. Far more.
And so I left. Just like that. Haven't looked back since.
EDIT:
I should add the caveat - My life was great before I met this woman. It went downhill real quick when I was with her. I don't really need much more evidence than that.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
You are in limbo because you are afraid you are going to make the wrong decision and you want the alcoholic / addict to decide for you. Not healthy. It's OKAY for you to decide and it's OKAY for you to make a mistake (although I don't think you are making a mistake).
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. They NEVER lie to you.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. They NEVER lie to you.
Waiting for the addict to decide.
Yep.
It would be easier to have him give up and then I don't have to choose and be wrong.
Deep.
Okay, about stories...
I dated a guy (not an alcoholic) that I went "to stone" with.
It was me letting go.
I was ready to be done.
My feelings were telling me that.
I still loved him as a friend, but I was OVER it.
I think of it like a headache. We get a headache (or any other ache) because we are not listening to our bodies saying "enough!" of whatever it is - stress, a certain movement, a situation...
The headache is your body getting out the big guns...or the bigger guns...to say "pay attention and change strategy/situations!"
Then your body moves to bigger illness, heart attacks, etc.
Numb is a pretty meaningful experience.
I assume you went through sad and mad and whatever else and your body said, "Nope. Still not getting it. Let's try numb."
Now listen to you. You are telling you something. Are you listening?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
years of disconnection from me and our children, poor communication, and simply not wanting to work on himself eroded my love for him.
Thank you so much for sharing! This line in particularly resonated with me.
(p.s., not extremely important, but she's my girlfriend not my wife. I'm a woman. We do not have children in common.... just for the sake of a backstory.
)
Thank you so much for sharing! This line in particularly resonated with me.
(p.s., not extremely important, but she's my girlfriend not my wife. I'm a woman. We do not have children in common.... just for the sake of a backstory.
)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
Waiting for the addict to decide.
Yep.
It would be easier to have him give up and then I don't have to choose and be wrong.
Deep.
I assume you went through sad and mad and whatever else and your body said, "Nope. Still not getting it. Let's try numb."
Now listen to you. You are telling you something. Are you listening?
Yep.
It would be easier to have him give up and then I don't have to choose and be wrong.
Deep.
I assume you went through sad and mad and whatever else and your body said, "Nope. Still not getting it. Let's try numb."
Now listen to you. You are telling you something. Are you listening?
These things definitely have a familiar ring.
It would be so much easier if I didn't have to be the "bad" one.
And yes, I've definitely run the gamut of emotions... sad, mad, scared, etc. Numb is where I am ... numb and confused...
Thanks again, everyone!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Confused is another powerful word, to me.I think our Inner Wisdom KNOWS the score.
I feel our confusion is our inability to face that Truth and/or TAKE the next and necessary ACTION.
I use confusion to say:
What am I confused about?
What about this situation makes me uncomfortable?
Why does it make me uncomfortable?
Am I hoping it will change by itself?
How am I abdicating responsibility for taking action to change this situation in my life?
What can I do to change this situation?
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