RomanlovesYogi

First off, thanks for having this forum. It's been a world of help so far reading. I figure until I get a hold of someone at my university's counseling center I can look for some advice here. Here is my dilemma. My girlfriend, lets call her Jane. I've known Jane for eight years. Through our relationship we've had our ups and downs, but we've always remained best friends. I am her sole companion regardless of where life has taken us - this is what makes this very difficult for me.

Jane is addicted to painkillers/anti-anxiety medications. She had a long time addiction to prescribed amphetamines (Adderall, etc.) - she has since weened herself off of this medication. She has severe depression, possible bi-polarism or borderline personality disorder. She's a brilliant, beautiful woman who has a world of potential but somehow can't seem to find her value in society. Her parents are divorced. Her biological father is a severe alcoholic suffering from liver cirrhosis and hepatitis c. Her biological mother and her stepfather are also functioning alcoholics. Her mother also suffers some sort of borderline/obsessive compulsive/anxiety issues and uses alcohol to calm her nerves among xanax and sometimes her husbands vicodin - which Jane is always sneaking from them. She was living with her real father for two months to keep him company since his wife (her stepmother) passed away a year ago. She recently moved back home with her mom and her step father (who have raised her since she was eight - after her mother and father split up). She has goals, but has no motivation to pursue them. She wants to finish her last year of school and earn her bachelors from a prestigious university where she is currently on leave from but is just killing time until the fall. In the meanwhile she's in awful condition popping painkillers and laying in a world of depression. When she isn't popping pills, she's looking for the next thing to take her mind off of reality - whether it's alcohol or illegal narcotics.

My dilemma here. As her best friend and her confidant, I have trusted not to say anything to her mom. Not because Jane told me not to - but because I know it would solve nothing. Her mom/step father - take social out of the word "social alcoholics" and put in alcoholics. The mother becomes belligerent and drunk and only exacerbates the issues that her daughter is dealing with. Her stepfather does nothing and acts passive to the situation occurring under his roof. Jane's father seems like the only real person to consider going to, but even he himself is dealing with his own skeletons and really doesn't seem fit to do anything. Jane realizes her problem. She has considered going to Narcotics Anonymous many times but never has the courage to go. I have offered to go with her as support.

If I knew that her family would do something about this, I would have gone to them long ago. I have no fear of her never talking to me again because I know, she'd realize I was only doing what I felt was best. I've continually talked this over with her and somehow I just keep hoping that things will go better for her. Her "psychiatrist" is a pill dispenser and continues feeding her habit by continually renewing her Klonopin prescription. She walks in with a happy face and says everything is fine - he gives her the okay without any questions. It's truly sickening.

I don't know what to do or where to begin. I could try talking to her, but she listens and does nothing. Her family is a complete waste of time and frankly I feel like she has no one. This is all extremely difficult because not only am I trying to balance a career, and keep a relationship, but I want to save my best friend and I'm entirely lost. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

rexus

I have been exactly where you are. I can't suggest going to her what seems like highly dysfunctional family with your fears; I actually think it may do you more harm than good. As I said I have been exactly where you are. I tried for over a year to keep my best friend/ex afloat and subtly point out the error of her ways. I went so far as to take her into my home for a week to detox her. The problem was that it was my idea and not hers. She detoxed for the week and even went to a NA meeting on the last day with a friend of hers that had been in recovery for a number a years. She came out of that meeting balling her eyes out and on the ride home she even said "I'm not done yet" Well of course she slowly but surely got back into the pills and didn't hit her rock bottom for another seven months. Everyone’s bottom is different and hers ironically was a car accident that had absolutely nothing to do with the pills. But thankfully it was the trigger that started her on her path to recovery. It’s a long involved story and the details aren't important the key to what I am saying is no matter how much you will it or how much you do to attempt to help her none of it will do anything until she is willing to see it for herself. The only thing I can tell you is talk to her tell her what you see and feel and maybe it will strike a nerve and give her something to think about. My best friend has been clean for 173 days and though most everyone in her life has been there to love and support her its her battle and she has been doing a great job. I will tell you this when she does get on the path of recovery life doesn't actually get any easier its a totally new set of challenges. I will leave you with this one thought: If love and effort were the only thing necessary to get rid of this awful disease 95% of the people on this forum wouldn’t have to be here the addicts in their life would be instantly cured.

coffeedrinker

have you ever gone to al-anon? it could do you a world of good. there are tools we can acquire, and what you will learn at al-anon, or here at s/r, is that you can, and should, focus on yourself, not be so entirely wrapped up in your friend. as you have already begun to realize, you being so enmeshed, and uber-involved in her "sickness", is not helping her anyway.

thank you for posting, and keep coming back here.

hello-kitty

Hi. Welcome. How are things going?

YOU could learn how to detach by reading more at this website and by attending alanon meetings near you. You can learn what enabling means and how it hurts the addict rather than helps the addict. You can work to ensure that no matter how out of control her life becomes, you are in control of your own life. You can set personal goals and boundaries for the kind of behavior that you will accept in your life - and determine the actions you will take if people vioate those boundaries.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to step back and let people make their choices, good or bad, and then let them suffer the consequences of them. Her choices have nothing to do with you.

Watch her actions not her words. That is who she really is. You are what you do.

RomanlovesYogi

God. Today was such a mess. Two days ago I found out that she tried to commit suicide for the second time. The first time was when she was 15 and a silly teenager who decided to take a whole bunch of Paxil. At that age she was persuadable and her family immediately started seeking help for her. Things were fine until 2005-2006 when she was introduced to the drug scene.

She sees a poor excuse of a psyhiatrist who prescribes her 45 klonopin 0.5 mg a month. She polishes that bottle off in 2 weeks. Obvious abuse.

Just two days ago, I found out that she tried to commit suicide and failed due to not taking enough klonopin. She took 13-15. Regardless, she's been binging on cocaine and participating in wreckless sexual activity. Trust me, writing this right now is extremely difficult but I really just need some support.

I went to her house this afternoon and she was laying in her bed and I went and talked to her. She was complaining how she wanted a vicodin so bad. She told me two nights ago she had a sore throat that was hurting. Turns out the only reason her "throat" was sore was because she tried to choke herself w/ her computer power cord.

This is so difficult. I know this is her bipolarism acting out. The irratic and sudden behavior. She was diagnosed w/ it a few months ago but stopped taking the medication and following the doctors orders. Today I sat her down and explained how difficult this is. She got up and went to try to snag some Xanax out of her moms closet. She grabbed a handful of low dose xanax but we didn't want her to have them. I tried to take them from her hand and succeeded but she became violent and started hitting and screaming at myself and her mom.

Literally two min later she realized her mistake and started crying and apologizing. I sat her down and told her that I love her and support her but this isn't working at all. She needs help and she's the only one who can do that. She was really upset that I was getting up to leave and felt thàt I was abandoning her in her deepest time of need. Trust me, this was so difficult. I love her and care for her well being and want her to be happy-even if mine comes second but I knew that by allowing her to be comfortable again it wouldn't do anything for her. I walked out-she called and texted shortly after. I'm keeping close contact w/ her mom because I don't want myself to be the reason that she commits suicide. God, I love her so much and seeing her go through this w/o me is so difficult. :/

Deb045

This is my suggestion--Maybe you should give her an ultimatum--That she should go into a detox facility and seek treatment and maybe you and her mother could take her there--This sounds like a life and death matter that is best left for professionals during the detox part...Then you could take the time to attend Alanon and take care of your emotional needs--May God Bless You.....You are such a good Friend.

Carol Star

If she threatens suicide again maybe a hospital stay/evaluation should happen.....I know they keep them at least 24hrs. I agree with several people who have suggested you go to Alanon. There is experience, strength, and hope there. Your friend may not get detox on her own. She may need an intervention....but it doesn't sound like you have too many healthy people/family around to help with that. They are all caught up in their own addictions. I do hear how this is effecting you. I was married to someone who got blitzed daily. All my kicking and screaming did nothing. I went to Alanon and learned how to detach with love, to not react, to set healthy boundaries, and reach out for help for myself. In my case there were not any family members willing to intervene. They were sick of the alcoholic/addict. I did talk to his doctors who were clueless to the fact he was getting pain pills and didn't have a back problem. But no matter what you do if 51% of her wants to" doctor hop" or use, she will use. She has to want it to be sober/clean. She has to want it for herself. She is in that hamster cage of addiction. You are in there too. Please go to Alanon. Even after years of the hamster wheel and even after my divorce I learned I had a condition called codependence I learned it from my mother. I was addicted to my husband and I was actually slowing down his bottom. It is hard. You are trying to protect them from themselves......but they have to want help. Alanon will help you learn how to help her and not lose yourself.

coffeedrinker

if she is willing to go to the er at a hospital, tells them she is suicidal, they will admit her. 72-hour hold. this might get her head straight, and on to a more competent psychiatrist.