JuneBug

I need to rant and rave. I keep doing what I dont want to do!!!!!!!!!
The past weekend I left and told my husband I wanted a break I couldnt take it anymore and i needed time to finally figure out my head. He doesnt seem to understand the toll his crap and addiction has had on me and now i feel like I am barely making it. I went ot my mothers house and my head suddenly become soooooo very clear. None of this is my problem, he has done this to himself and i got sucked in because i loved him and wanted to see him better so i ended up enabling, caretaking and all the rest of it. He has a date set for the end of march to go to rehab but its like for me now its too late i dont want to go another round with him, I dont want to go through this one more time to be upset again and but he doesnt get it he thinks he has a date set and thats enough. I keep getting mixed up in conversations with him where i dont know what im saying anymore because he twists it or changes what i mean or gives me this tone of his voice and then i cave and now i realize i came back home yesterday and then today i actually caught myself thinking ok maybve itll be ok..........how many times do i have to keep going through this with him!!!!!!!! How come he cant get it that i dont want this anymore that i have absoulty nothing left to give but as soon as I am away fom him its like i come to life. every time i go to tell him i dont want it i cant say what i mean because im afraid, he has no job, no money, no place to go and then i end up feeling guilty. I actually didnt sleep saturday night because i kept thinking what if he killed himself.....thats the only reason i called him sunday morning was to see if he was dead or not not because i wanted to come home. i just wanted to ease my mind. He claims he has never hurt me ever he says. I cant even think anymore.

BayAreaPhoenix

Hi (((JuneBug)))

It is crazy making, talking to an addict. When I was getting a divorce from my XAH, my therapist gave me a few helpful definition words that helped me stop listening and feeling crazy. If I felt confused while talking to my XAH, that meant he was probably manipulating - stop and walk away (or hang up). If I felt frustrated, that meant I was trying to control something with XAH - stop and walk away (or hang up). If I felt guilty, that meant he was manipulating my buttons that he knows so well - stop and walk away. Once I stopped engaging when I felt these things, it was easier to keep my mind clearer.

I wish that I had had these tools earlier in our marriage. I'm not sure that it would have changed my feelings about needing to get out of the marriage, but I think my sanity and self-assurance in my own mind about my decision would have felt more comfortable and strong - either way, stay or leave.

It's hard to hear yourself think when the other person talks longer and louder....

teke

i agree with phoenix,

seems like talking to an active addict is useless and crazy making. i've had some of the same exp. as you when trying to communicate with my addicted loved one. it really is crazy making.

when i first came here, i thought i was literally going insane. what a relief to find out that none of this was my fault or my responsiblity to make him understand. they just don't get it and you can talk until you are blue in the face and the result will still be the same.

imo, you will have to do what is best for you to do, set boundaries for yourself followed by consequences if your boundaries are crossed. take care of you and leave his recovery to him. i'll keep you guys in my prayers.

coffeedrinker

junebug,

sometimes i get all flustered cuz i've been asked something i'm not ready to answer! i feel like i'm up against a wall and then i (sometimes) remember:
i don't have to say anything right now.

oh, i don't mean be all snotty or give the silent treatment, but

"I need time to think about that" works wonders.

you need a stall? you got it.

you feel like you're gonna snap right now, well, the end of the month is in a few days!! yay! then you will be able to breathe and THEN, maybe, some of those answers will be within reach.

JuneBug

Thank you so much for your support. I did really think I was the one going crazy but now I realize 1. I dont have to explain myself to an active addict or anyone else. 2. I have a right to be silent and walk away if I feel I should. 3. I cannot love him well. 4. None of this is my fault. 5. His recovery is up to him not me.

I was in theapy last night and when I came home he found a letter I wrote to him, it was tucked under the bed on my side. he said he was looking for socks. anyhow he read it and told me he can see my side now and agreed to a seperation and asked if he could stay here till rehab time and if it got too bad all I have to do is tell him I cant handle it and he will leave. I started to cry for a second because it felt like a relief but then i felt too easy so I asked him how long before he changes his mind. He said he wont.....but now this feels uneasy, he was too calm and agreeable. But now thanks t phoniex post when he starts yapping at me and I start feeling those same ol' feelings i know what he is doing.
Without this website I would not have known I was being manipulated, lied all those lovely things addicts do.......plus I wouldnt have seen some of the behaviour I am/as doing so now I can change it!

Insulated

The thing that jumps out at me in your post, is his setting a date a month away. What are YOU going to do during this month of waiting? Conversations do get chaotic when a human is communicating with a duck!!! What I had to learn to do was not listen. You know the expression Listen don't Hear? I didn't do either. I would guage his emotions, but not succumb to it, because it made me nutty. Occasionally, I would paraphrase, just to test the waters, and even during paraphrase, my D-ABF would deny it - and I was paraphrasing for Pete's sake! Finally, I was simply comfortable reducing the "relationship" to professional/business. Not conversational. You've made a great move by getting out of the environment and into a place where you can clear your head and assess things from a proactive angle. If you don't want to go another round with him, begin putting your own life together minus the preoccupation with HIS CRAP. Have you tried no contact?

JuneBug

When I am at my moms house my head is so clear its crystal clear. I know what I want and feel strong and able to do(which was end my relationship) but now that I am still in the same house I can see it happening, I am catching myself feeling for him, I know I still love him and thats what makes this hard. I married him in sickness and health so part of me is this is the sickness so stick it out and figure out a way....but then my rational side says, I am never going to get what I want in this relationship regardless if he is active or not.......but then that pops back up do I wait it out until after rehab and see if things do change or just do what I had intended last weekend to end the relationship and build my life up again in a way I want. He hasnt been able to keep a job since ive met him, I want to have children as I am 35 and not getting any younger! so if i list the facts there are more positives if i leave then staying....I feel like I am going to say but........what if i jump to quick and make a desicion i later regret.....see now is that manipulation, co-dependency, chicken ****..........I keep going around and around.

hello-kitty

You can still love him but love him from a safe distance.

It's ok to live separately and figure out a way... There's a difference between being sick and trying to get better THAN being sick, not putting effort into getting better, destroying everyone around you and NOT CARING. He's already violated his marriage vows by doing this.

You won't regret sticking to your plan of protecting your sanity and making wise, healthy choices for yourself based on the way things are right now.

A promise of rehab, sobriety and recovery is not the same thing as actual recovery. And even then he has no history of working or being a fully functional member of your relationship.

You do what you need to do for you and let him do what he needs to do for him. Who knows what the future will hold but if nothing changes nothing changes. And that means YOU not him.

outtolunch

Addicts, alcoholics and we co-dependent delude ourselves with the " it's not so bad" rationalization.

Time4Me1

Go .....and have no contact. He knows what he has to do. He knows how to manipulate and control you. Go and dont allow it. It is a form of abuse!!!

coffeedrinker

insulated, i thought that he was going to rehab at the end of the month. that's in four days.

Ann

What you do doesn't have to depend on what he does.

I remember how awful it was to have that front row seat to my son's addiction. It's the worst seat in the house. Hopefully you will have time when he goes to rehab, to find your own clarity and to decide what YOU would like for your future, regardless of how he does in his recovery.

It helps to stay focused on yourself and let him sort out his own problems/recovery.

Hugs

Ann

I think she said it was the end of March.

JuneBug

March 31st is the date. Well hes supposed to go to detox 10 days before that so around march 22nd. I am hoping.