Hi (((JuneBug)))
It is crazy making, talking to an addict. When I was getting a divorce from my XAH, my therapist gave me a few helpful definition words that helped me stop listening and feeling crazy. If I felt confused while talking to my XAH, that meant he was probably manipulating - stop and walk away (or hang up). If I felt frustrated, that meant I was trying to control something with XAH - stop and walk away (or hang up). If I felt guilty, that meant he was manipulating my buttons that he knows so well - stop and walk away. Once I stopped engaging when I felt these things, it was easier to keep my mind clearer.
I wish that I had had these tools earlier in our marriage. I'm not sure that it would have changed my feelings about needing to get out of the marriage, but I think my sanity and self-assurance in my own mind about my decision would have felt more comfortable and strong - either way, stay or leave.
It's hard to hear yourself think when the other person talks longer and louder....