Mad Mad Mad!!!!
I need to rant and rave. I keep doing what I dont want to do!!!!!!!!!
The past weekend I left and told my husband I wanted a break I couldnt take it anymore and i needed time to finally figure out my head. He doesnt seem to understand the toll his crap and addiction has had on me and now i feel like I am barely making it. I went ot my mothers house and my head suddenly become soooooo very clear. None of this is my problem, he has done this to himself and i got sucked in because i loved him and wanted to see him better so i ended up enabling, caretaking and all the rest of it. He has a date set for the end of march to go to rehab but its like for me now its too late i dont want to go another round with him, I dont want to go through this one more time to be upset again and but he doesnt get it he thinks he has a date set and thats enough. I keep getting mixed up in conversations with him where i dont know what im saying anymore because he twists it or changes what i mean or gives me this tone of his voice and then i cave and now i realize i came back home yesterday and then today i actually caught myself thinking ok maybve itll be ok..........how many times do i have to keep going through this with him!!!!!!!! How come he cant get it that i dont want this anymore that i have absoulty nothing left to give but as soon as I am away fom him its like i come to life. every time i go to tell him i dont want it i cant say what i mean because im afraid, he has no job, no money, no place to go and then i end up feeling guilty. I actually didnt sleep saturday night because i kept thinking what if he killed himself.....thats the only reason i called him sunday morning was to see if he was dead or not not because i wanted to come home. i just wanted to ease my mind. He claims he has never hurt me ever he says. I cant even think anymore.