To control or not to control? That is the question.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
To control or not to control? That is the question.
Well I have been taking everyone's advice and am trying not to control my husband's drinking. I haven't been looking for empties and I haven't been picking a fight every time he drinks.
On one note this has worked because I feel much less stressed out and sad. We haven't been fighting constantly. Maybe perhaps I am a lucky one for figuring this out early? I don't know.
On the other hand.... I feel like letting go of control is like being in denial. It's sorta nice, but I'm just letting this get worse. All he has done is started drinking even more since there is no one to b*tch at him.
I guess I see both sides of the coin. Things definitely aren't black and white. Maybe this is just another stage of the alcoholic and non alcoholic relationship.
On one note this has worked because I feel much less stressed out and sad. We haven't been fighting constantly. Maybe perhaps I am a lucky one for figuring this out early? I don't know.
On the other hand.... I feel like letting go of control is like being in denial. It's sorta nice, but I'm just letting this get worse. All he has done is started drinking even more since there is no one to b*tch at him.
I guess I see both sides of the coin. Things definitely aren't black and white. Maybe this is just another stage of the alcoholic and non alcoholic relationship.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Just a thought there, since I'm an UBER control freak who is now learning to let go and let god.
By not controlling your husband's drinking, you aren't "letting things get worse", because that statement implies that you had/have control over your husband's behaviour. You don't! You are not that powerful.
What's happening right now is that HE is getting worse, by his own choice and accord, like a preteen who gets to party-hardy while mom and dad are away on some trip...There is no denial here; you are fully aware that he is drinking, BUT you are also freeing yourself from the strain of trying to control another person's addiction so you can focus on the most important person: You!
By not controlling your husband's drinking, you aren't "letting things get worse", because that statement implies that you had/have control over your husband's behaviour. You don't! You are not that powerful.
What's happening right now is that HE is getting worse, by his own choice and accord, like a preteen who gets to party-hardy while mom and dad are away on some trip...There is no denial here; you are fully aware that he is drinking, BUT you are also freeing yourself from the strain of trying to control another person's addiction so you can focus on the most important person: You!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
By not controlling your husband's drinking, you aren't "letting things get worse", because that statement implies that you had/have control over your husband's behaviour. You don't! You are not that powerful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Yep. The first stage.
I had that conflict, too. But the work doesn't end there.
So you detach. You stop obsessing and searching for "evidence".
Good.
But all that stress and obsessive behavior came from something, right?
A calling in you. A voice. A feeling. It said, "I don't like this. This doesn't feel good. I don't feel honored or respected."
So, now that you have all this free mental energy (cuz you're not tripping on him!), investigate you.
What do you value?
Who do you want to be in a relationship?
What do you want to feel?
How do you want to be treated?
What are your absolute necessities in a relationship?
What are absolutely unacceptable things?
Etc. etc.
The detaching is for your mental and emotional health to ALLOW you to look inward instead of outward. Detaching is easier than admitting that the behavior we have noticed is unacceptable because then we have to figure out what to do about it!
Have you considered therapy, Alanon and/or reading Codependent No More?
Hugs
w
I had that conflict, too. But the work doesn't end there.
So you detach. You stop obsessing and searching for "evidence".
Good.
But all that stress and obsessive behavior came from something, right?
A calling in you. A voice. A feeling. It said, "I don't like this. This doesn't feel good. I don't feel honored or respected."
So, now that you have all this free mental energy (cuz you're not tripping on him!), investigate you.
What do you value?
Who do you want to be in a relationship?
What do you want to feel?
How do you want to be treated?
What are your absolute necessities in a relationship?
What are absolutely unacceptable things?
Etc. etc.
The detaching is for your mental and emotional health to ALLOW you to look inward instead of outward. Detaching is easier than admitting that the behavior we have noticed is unacceptable because then we have to figure out what to do about it!
Have you considered therapy, Alanon and/or reading Codependent No More?
Hugs
w
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Just curious
How did you think, you could control him from drinking? He has to make that choice if, he's going to drink or not.
I can understand your frustration but, until he's willing to do something about his abusing alcohol, you can't stop him.
How did you think, you could control him from drinking? He has to make that choice if, he's going to drink or not.
I can understand your frustration but, until he's willing to do something about his abusing alcohol, you can't stop him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Thanks guys.
Wifeofadrinker... I've been considering counseling, I just need to get my priorities straight. Al alon is too far of a drive though. I DO need to talk to someone soon though.
Captain... I thought if I complained enough he would drink less. It worked a little, but not worth it.
Anvil...just flat out thank you.
Sometimes I need to hear you guys say that. Otherwise, I don't feel strong enough to continue. I keep wanting to mark his drinking on a calendar and show him, but we all know that is pointless and just another example of me trying to control.
Wifeofadrinker... I've been considering counseling, I just need to get my priorities straight. Al alon is too far of a drive though. I DO need to talk to someone soon though.
Captain... I thought if I complained enough he would drink less. It worked a little, but not worth it.
Anvil...just flat out thank you.
Sometimes I need to hear you guys say that. Otherwise, I don't feel strong enough to continue. I keep wanting to mark his drinking on a calendar and show him, but we all know that is pointless and just another example of me trying to control.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by jennabe
I keep wanting to mark his drinking on a calendar and show him, but we all know that is pointless and just another example of me trying to control.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi, could I ask please, concerning this:
"On the other hand.... I feel like letting go of control is like being in denial. It's sorta nice, but I'm just letting this get worse. All he has done is started drinking even more since there is no one to b*tch at him."
Could you elaborate what you feel letting go makes you feel you are in denial of?
"On the other hand.... I feel like letting go of control is like being in denial. It's sorta nice, but I'm just letting this get worse. All he has done is started drinking even more since there is no one to b*tch at him."
Could you elaborate what you feel letting go makes you feel you are in denial of?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
YOU never did CONTROL his drinking......you just invested a LOT Of negative energy in trying to make it more difficult to do so. to him, you just became a "work around" issue......thing is jenna........he was drinking and he still IS drinking. you are simply not wasting so much your precious time and sanity on it.......left to do his own devices, this is the best he's got.
Anvil hit it for me on every note!
I had some very similar questions when I first detached and the supportive folks here came back with just what's been said.
The only thing I was changing when I detached from my XABF was me. His addiciton which was going to continue whether I sacrificed myself at its alter or not.
I often wondered if I was slowing the course of his descent towards death by alcholism by staying with him and fighting the issue. In recovery, I learned that all that fighting and putting myself in harm's way had only served to hasten my own descent right along with him.
I decided to save myself and let him carry on dying without me. I he chooses life and recovery, he'll have to do that without me as well, though I would wish him well in that one.
Alice
Anvil hit it for me on every note!
I had some very similar questions when I first detached and the supportive folks here came back with just what's been said.
The only thing I was changing when I detached from my XABF was me. His addiciton which was going to continue whether I sacrificed myself at its alter or not.
I often wondered if I was slowing the course of his descent towards death by alcholism by staying with him and fighting the issue. In recovery, I learned that all that fighting and putting myself in harm's way had only served to hasten my own descent right along with him.
I decided to save myself and let him carry on dying without me. I he chooses life and recovery, he'll have to do that without me as well, though I would wish him well in that one.
Alice
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by jennabe
Thanks guys.
Captain... I thought if I complained enough he would drink less. It worked a little, but not worth it.
.
Captain... I thought if I complained enough he would drink less. It worked a little, but not worth it.
.
Friend of Bill W.
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The 4th Dimension
Posts: 118
I totally understand your dilema. It was put to me this way. I have an allusion of control and that's all it is. The more I yell, scream, scold....the more he hides it from me. I have no control, no matter how much I try to fool myself into thinking I do. I only have control over my thoughts, feelings and actions. Chances are, he knows that he has a problem. You telling him he has a problem isn't making one bit of a difference. At least that holds true in my experience.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
I've stood in front of a judge with cuffs on wearing an orange jumpsuit never believing I had a drinking problem. A normal drinker wouldn't put themselves through that 4 times like I did!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Could you elaborate what you feel letting go makes you feel you are in denial of?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"I suppose it's because I feel like I'm acting the same way that I did when I was pretending that there wasn't a problem. I guess I feel like I'm in denial of the fact that there is a problem in the first place. Like if I don't try and stop him then I'm denying that it's an issue. I feel like it makes him "right". I hope that makes sense."
Thanks Jenna. That's pretty much what I suspected. I think what you're feeling is less about denial that there is a problem (because you KNOW there is a problem, right?) and more due to the fact that it feels unfamiliar to you. It is so difficult when we first change our behavior like that but our deepest feelings of wanting them to quit are still so strong. We want to yell and instruct and order them to stop, and it feels natural to do that. It feels backwards NOT to do these things. But I assure you, you are not in denial by remaining quiet and controlling the ONLY thing you can control which is yourSELF. Keep posting here how you feel and when you get thru the other end of this I promise you will look back and see this clearly. Just keep keeping your head about you
Thanks Jenna. That's pretty much what I suspected. I think what you're feeling is less about denial that there is a problem (because you KNOW there is a problem, right?) and more due to the fact that it feels unfamiliar to you. It is so difficult when we first change our behavior like that but our deepest feelings of wanting them to quit are still so strong. We want to yell and instruct and order them to stop, and it feels natural to do that. It feels backwards NOT to do these things. But I assure you, you are not in denial by remaining quiet and controlling the ONLY thing you can control which is yourSELF. Keep posting here how you feel and when you get thru the other end of this I promise you will look back and see this clearly. Just keep keeping your head about you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 56
Thanks guys. I have a confession to make. I failed miserably last night at not controlling. I tried to stay in my bedroom last night, but I couldn't help myself. I went out there and started crying as soon as I heard him open his second beer. I'm just going to have to find some more self control. If I wasn't listening for it then I wouldn't have gone out there in the first place. It's even more ridiculous of me because he wasn't even drunk and I got mad. We started the bargaining all over again. Even as I was doing it I knew nothing good would come out of it. I guess it just made me feel better to hear him say he would try, even if I knew it wasn't the truth.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
