darling

I apologize that this is so long...I wanted to start a new thread about this, but I am so unfamiliar with this process, and I think I might not be able to start a discussion on here?

I am writing on this discussion because I am doing my best to heal from being played by an addict. He and I reconnected after 10 years of not seeing each other or knowing anything about our lives. We ran into each other a little over 2 months ago. I had about 1 month where we were 'dating'. There were many red flags that I noticed but decided to ignore because I fell so hard for his game.

I was visiting my hometown but I live 6 hrs away. We hung out for a couple of nights. then I went back to my current residence.

I thought we really connected. We had amazing conversations and passionate intimacy. He looked me in the eyes with sincerity. I felt that finally someone understood me. Then a week later I got a letter in the mail that was almost like a confession of all the horrible things he had been doing in the past 10 yrs. Using IV drugs, being a mess in general. He had been clean for only 4 months and 4 months also for being broken up with the mother of his 1 year old daughter.

He said that he wasn't prepared for a relationship but wanted to still see me and see what happens. Since it was long distance, I thought i could do it.

But the depth of what i perceived to be a connection between us was so profound, I felt like I met such an amazing person. He also mentioned that he was jealous of all the accomplishments I have been made. I just finished graduate school and have been really making progress with my artwork. When we knew each other before, I didn't practice art. So I guess this was a lot to accomplish in 10 years in the eyes of a heavy drug user.

Then I noticed strange behavior. I really don't think he was using because I spent a constant 12 hours with him. he even left the door open when he went to the bathroom, (which grossed me out a little) but I knew he wasn't taking any drugs or anything like that.

Not long after I got the letter, he also informed me that he had hepatitis C. he and i used condoms, but he told me before we hooked up that he was tested and was clean. So that was a lie. I confronted him about this and he said that his doctors never told him it was something he needed to tell his partners about. That it was so rare to transmit sexually with the use of condoms.

so a few weeks after that, I told him i couldn't do the open relationship. He was cool about it until I told him I couldn't be hanging out with him in person, bc I knew it would get physical, the attraction is so strong. then a week later he texted me that he was thinking about me. So I wrote back that I missed him and asked if he want to go on a date later in the week. He said that would be lovely then I asked if he missed me just to gauge his feelings on me. He told me no. That he did not feel the same way I felt about him. I got hurt and told him he shouldn't be so careless with people's hearts and tell them about Hep C. He responded that he didn't want to enage in my drama and that he'd pray for me. I realize that he is bat sh*t crazy after that,but I am still confused...

Why did he want another date with me? How did we have such a connection and love making when he wasn't into me? How could he look me in the eyes and apologize for the way he took me for granted when we were younger? Was he 'just not that into me' this whole time? and if that's the case, how do I get over this? I feel so tricked and hurt. Also, for this looser to not even like me makes me feel worthless and not attractive to men (but I didn't know he was such a looser at first). Even though he is not using, his behavior was strange to flip from adoring me to not caring. Can anyone shed light on recently recovering addict behavior? I just want to know that I am not such an idiot. I don't really have addicts in my life, so I'm not familiar with this behavior.

sojourner

well, I gotta say that that's what immature, uncontrolled, self-centered guys do - and women fall for it every single day. For him, it's about the physical relationship, and we women have trained this generation of men that it's okay. We've trained these guys that all they have to do is connect with us emotionally which will hook us in to having a physical relationship. Fortunately, not every man is like that. But this guy sure is. The paradox for them is that while they got what they wanted, they lost respect for the woman who gave them what they wanted. Add in the fact that the guy is an active, untreated addict and you've got a really self-centered situation here.

My thoughts on this are for you to delve into this thing of getting physical. It's not normal (no matter what our culture says) , it's not meant to happen with somebody we just met, it causes us to connect very deeply to somebody whether we just met them last night or whether we waited until we married the guy. And that connection we feel has nothing to do with the integrity of the guy.

Just my thoughts. I'm sure they'll be differing opinions. If you think this post carries some truth, don't be too hard on yourself. Millions and billions of us women have walked your path who now do not.

coffeedrinker

I guess, just skimming through your post, that I don't see "addict behavior" jumping out from the screen.

He told you he was clean from any transmittable disease. Then later (guilt? caring?) revised the story. Also said his doc said no need to tell this to someone he's intimate with? That is not true, I think. So, he did lie to you. (BTW, in what I've read I don't believe it's super easy to get hep c from sex w/a condom, worse is to share a toothbrush cuz of blood, but I could be wrong.) But, still a lie.

Later, that he said he wanted to see you: ok. What's wrong with wanting to spend time with someone that you get along with but are not head over heels with? That he didn't miss you after spending an intense but still brief, period of time sounds pretty sane to me. That you were over the top nuts about him is a little more unstable, IMO.

I think sometimes we perceive things that aren't necessarily someone else's truth. That you felt a strong connection is undeniable. But that doesn't mean that another person would necessarily also feel that same thing.

He has only been clean from drugs for four months. That is one good reason to not get into a serious relationship. For him as well as you! That you feel there are trust issues is another. (Curious: did he apologize for the initial untruth about the hep c?) But, really, that you were so into him, but he did not return the intensity of feeling, is a biggie. If you were to reconnect, I sense that you would remain frustrated, and it sounds like there is already some resentment on your end. I guess you didn't really ask the question I seem to be answering, but just feeding back some stuff.

If you come to this forum and do some reading, and posting, I think you will find there's a lot of wisdom and support here for one another. We don't usually pull punches, but we are very loving. Probably if many others reply to your post, you will get different perspectives than mine.

Good luck in your healing. I think you are pretty sensitive. I am as well, not saying it's to your demise or anything. You need to know how you wish to be treated, and bottom line - you have been hurt. Please know that I'm sorry for that, even in light of what other things I said.

Peace,

Insulated

Women generally want to feel safe and cared for. Perhaps there wasn't enough time to get to know one another before this get together. While I find it very admirable that he even wrote you a letter because it wasn't necessary. He could've just blown you off and gone on about his business. Take some time to heal and reevaluate your actions in the short reconnection with him.

outtolunch

I do not think you are an idiot.

Many of us have low self esteem and define our self worth by the way other people treat us.

While I am not fond of her politics or position on many things, Dr. Laura
Schlessinger's book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives, is a classic in healthy self care. You can probably find a copy at the library or used at Amazon for less than $1.

darling

I am most certainly sensitive and tend to fall into relationships too fast. I have been in counseling for a long time and am always working on this part of myself. I thought I made huge advancements in the past couple of years and this event really scared me because it was an old pattern of mine. Also I finished school at the same time this happened and my landlord passed away and I have to move so I have been uprooted in many ways.

I am adding this information because I do know this is an unhealthy behavior of mine. I thought I would have a little more support from this forum. I kind of feel more crappy now after reading the responses. I guess this is constructive criticism?

I also forgot to mention that he asked me to be his girlfriend, then changed his mind the next day. I decided to break it off after I spoke to a mutual friend of ours and she told me that he has a pattern with women. They often fall for his charming personality and get hurt. Also this past week, I found out that he had been seeing his baby's mother the whole time I had interaction with him. From her perspective, they were in a relationship while he told me they only interacted when picking up or dropping off their child.
Apparently he only has about 2 friends that he still can talk to because he hurt so many people from stealing and whatnot. Burned lots of bridges.
Simply put, I am really hurt and have been blaming myself harshly this whole past month. I feel like hell and finding out he was still with his ex has opened the wound that was starting to heal. But after reading those comments, I feel even shittier.

Live

Thank you for your honesty.

Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum?
They explain alot about addiction and the dynamics involved with them.

With only 4 months clean, I doubt he knows his head from a hole in the ground!

darling

Live,
What are stickies? I don't know what you mean.

sunnygirl68

Just for clarification, I have Hep C antibodies, according to the doctor I contracted it in 1988 when i received a transfusion for a c-section with my oldest son. I was not aware that I had it, but the antibodies were discovered about 4 years ago during an in depth blood test (high liver enzymes) , apparantly I was one of the lucky ones whose body fought off the disease and now I only have antibodies which means I'll never contract it again. The LIVER specialist told me that the only person that needed to be tested was my youngest son which I delivered naturally, that it was NOT transmitted sexually, however, there was a very small chance that it could be transmitted by sharing a toothbrush or razor. So maybe he "lied by omission", but you were not in danger of contracting it with or without a condom.

tjp613

darling - reading about your situation made me think about a DREADFUL relationship I was in for 3 years (about 2.9 years too long). This guy had me fooled big time...and for a long time...into thinking he adored me, all the while lying, cheating and doing drugs!!! Oh, the stories I could tell you!

I spent a LOT of time on the internet trying to figure out what was wrong with him (AND me) and my dime-store psychological analysis is that he is either Borderline Personality or a Sociopath. You may want to look those terms up. Bottom line is that they do not FEEL the same things we do, yet they have learned that in order to get what they want they can MIMICK the emotions we expect from them. It's downright eerie how they can look you right in the eye and make you believe anything they tell you! I realize that I had the responsibility for not being a bit wiser back then, but I sure am now!!

(((Hugs))) Been in your shoes and I understand.

least

I think what those 'critical' replies were aiming for is the blunt unvarnished truth as they've experienced it. They didn't want you to be hurt any more than you already were hurt so were very direct in their replies. THey may have been trying to keep you from going as far down as they did with someone so unstable mentally and physically.

If it were me in your shoes, I'd stay miles away from this guy - he sounds like Big Trouble and I wouldn't want to go down his road for fear of what might happen to me from being involved with someone so 'unbalanced' and sick.

AS far as you wanting to understand him - why?? It won't help you one bit to understand why he does what he does. I'd give up on understanding him and just stay the hell away from him. He sounds like a dangerous person to be around. Maybe focus more on why you'd even want to be involved with someone this far gone down the tubes. Work on your own self esteem and other issues and don't bother trying to understand what isn't understandable.

I'm trying to not be 'critical' but really hope you stay away from this guy. He sounds like big trouble to me in so many ways.

darling

I guess by trying to understand him, I'm actually trying to understand what just happened; and in turn, what happened to me and my judgment with this whole thing. But thanks for clairifying that, guys, because now my focus is defined and I know where to put my energies. It's in my mind and my default mode is to do what I can to heal/fix it, but I wasn't looking in the right place.

tjp613, I do think he is severely mentally ill and the substance abuse is a mere symptom for his intense illness. Because looking back, I remember that we drifted apart 10 years ago because he had a nervous breakdown. And I knew to stay away from him then. He actually wasn't using and was afraid of everything, cut off his hair and stayed in his room. He came out of it and we hung out a few times, but I think that was when something was triggered. I've read about mental illnesses kickin in around the age when one is transitioning into adulthood. It was our first year of college and he had a bad ecstasy trip and didn't recover for months, I wonder if it induced something with his brain chemistry.

I really am learning a lot from this. I let down my guards because I met him when he was with his daughter and he wasn't going out and partying so I thought maybe he had grown up a little. It wasn't until after getting to know each other for a few days that he then told me about the drug abuse, stealing, homelessness... Then as time went on I found out more and more. I had no clue it had gone to that level.

The sad thing is that I think he stopped attending meetings. It's all a sad story and I am lucky I got out of it before really bad things started to happen. And you're right. There really is no explanation. His mind not completely on the same plane as most people. I think he lives in several realities without the aid of drugs.

SweetTea

tjp613 ~ Interesting and thank you regarding Borderlines.

I was looking up rapid cycling bipolar after the first couple of years with my non-smoking, non-drinking, non-drug using, church going boyfriend because of his mood swings. And I am pretty sure that he has non diagnosed borderline personality disorder cluster and the crack is a symptom of that.

He called me after a period of seperation. He had lost his house and was homeless or displaced and telling me how he missed me, needed me, loved me. Only to find him with a cigarette in one hand, a beer in the other. Eventually he was buying crack. He needs me to help him stop him from killing himself. HA!

I do believe some people use, believing it is self medication. I think that in my case, even if CH gets off of the crack and alcohol, he still has a severe mental illness called borderline personality disorder. I have found out about his childhood and his adult relationships and I'm pretty sure that this is who he is and will be for life. There is no way to understand the insanity of his words, deeds, and actions. Crazy as bat ****? YEP!

I believe that I engage in this type of relationship because this is what I grew up with and know. I have been trying to keep busy with projects and friends and I have been in therapy and groups for years and I don't know if I'll ever get better enough to have a healthy relationship, but I like the idea of getting a dog!

Blackrose56

Wow...this really hit home. I met my ex first when he was 8 years old. Didn't see or hear from him for 16 years....encountered him again. We became a couple and were together 6 years. In which time he relapsed and I finally couldn't take anymore and moved 2,000 miles away. When he was clean and sober he was the love of my life. But when he used...he became someone I didn't know. Anyway, I hadn't seen him in almost 4 years when he started calling again and wanted to start over. He wanted to get clean and sober and move out here with me. I've been in therapy a long time and I still love this man. (The man I knew clean and sober.) His pattern since I left...he goes from one drug addict/drunk to the next. When those fall apart he calls me. Somewhere inside is the man I love...but drugs and booze have destroyed him. And he does pretty much what you are talking about. As a friend of mine in recovery told me...you are the woman he loves (the good, kind woman; the only woman he ever really loved) but if he can't have you....he'll take whatever woman will get him off the street and give him a place to stay. You sound a lot like me....I still blame myself for a lot. And it has nothing to do with me....booze and drugs are just more important. Sorry, you didn't get the support you thought you would. Believe me, I understand. I have been in and out of Alanon since 1980. And have come a long way....but sometimes there is that one person...the one who takes your heart. And what is sad....is he was a GREAT person when he was clean and sober (Which he had 5 years) Since we've been apart I'm learning how to take care of myself. And I still sometimes ask why?? And I have a great friend who has 11 years now clean and sober and she answers me every time. And she knows what she's talking about.