transformyself

My AH is so passive aggressive, it's impossible to tell what he's really up to.

He told me Friday that "even though I'm not saying this will happen," we should consider him moving into my house, where he helps pay the rent, to live with the kids, because he has an investment here that i'm not taking care of. And I can't afford to live here, while he can.

I'm furious. Really. I've watched him build up his petty resentments over the last week or so and should have seen this coming. He's very put out when I wear one of our oldest sons coats. That really makes him mad. Not to mention I don't pack their clothes in seperate bags, like he wants. I pack their overnight stuff in one bag.

I have been blowing him off when he tries to tell me to do these things, so I should have seen this coming.

I don't want to waste my mental energy on him, but i know how sneaky he is. He has agreed to give me a certian amount of money out of every check, and is doing so, but this latest little snit of his is pretty scary. And infuriating. When I confronted him., he said, "I told you that this wasn't going to happen!" WTF??? Also tried telling me I have no reason to not trust him.

His ability to deny, mask his true intentions and hook me back into his drama are brilliant! He's missed his true calling as I dunno, a lawyer or something.

Anyway, its working. I was getting sick of him anyway , because of his passive aggressive attitude towards me. I think I"ll just haul out the divorce papers I FOOLISHLY WITHDREW after he came to me and said he wanted to reconcile. Keep them handy so I can file an emergency injunction should he decide to stop paying me.

I already have been advised that no judge in our county will grant him custody, due to his record of alcoholism.

I just hope to keep making more money until I"m financially free. That's the only thing he holds over my head right now.

Thanks for letting me vent. I"m just so mad right now. When I try to have independence and detach from him, he can't stand it and works hard to reel me back in.

It's like it took forever for me to WANT to be away from him and now that I do and am, there's another level of manipulation and stupid crap. Ordinarily I can step away and detach and need to get there again...

wanting

Hey, don't be dissing on lawyers.

I'm confused as to what's going on. You're worried he'll stop giving you money? You're pissed because he says you're not taking care of your shiz?

I was wondering...why haven't you filed for divorce yet?

transformyself

I seriously considered going to law school, since I"m the one in my family to represent when necessary. But I'm too busy writing.

I don't konw why I haven't filed. Not organized enough? We still get tax breaks for being legally married is one, as I'm self employed and have to take out taxes from my wages earned. The discount where he works. Insurance, etc. Plus, realistically, in michigan, the friend of the court automaticlly gets involved when there are minor children and I hate those bastards more than I fear what my AH will do.,

Realistically, yes I"m mad at him for his double speak and sneakiness. It worked! Congratulations! . He said "even though this won't happen," that he should move into MY house with the kids cause he can afford it, I can't and I"m not taking care of "his investment." More deluded quacking. Now I don't know what he's up to and he won't talk about it. Says, I told you it wouldn't happen.

crazy making crap. That's the worst part for me, his denial that he even meant it when he said it (WTF??) and also that I have nothing to worry about from him. Whatever. This from the guy who texted his affair partner, "everything is going exactly as planned," before he know I found out. That snuck around and brought her into our home. He intentionally crosses my boundaries, has shown me repeatedly that he doesn't give a rodents swollen deudonum about anyone but himself--all wrapped up in that mr. nice guy persona.

My point? Just how much I hate that guy.

wanting

What's his investment? I don't get it...

I think it's good that you haven't forgotten that he lies. And it sounds like you have a plan where you can file immediately if he stops paying. I guess the divorce issue will work itself out when it is time.

You can't be surprised that he's a douchebag. It's one of the reasons you've left him. I certainly understand how easy it is to let it affect you though. Maybe you need a few douche-free days to get back to your happy place. You could put a big sign on your door that says "Douche-Free Zone." MTV (I think) used to have "Sucker-Free Sundays." I'm having one of those tomorrow.

transformyself

Yeah. It's gotta go, this anger. He just called, 30 minutes after he was suppose to pick up the kids, to say he just woke up. He opened, worked at 5am.

This doesnt bother me, I"m not an on time freak and understand that he works a grueling job and needs sleep.

What is driving me crazy, literally, is his hypocrosy. or however that's spelled. he freaks if I"m late. Freaks out. Holds it against me, does his resentment dance and uses his anger to justify drinking, cheating, whatever.

OH. Nevermind. I forgot I'm not dealing with a sane person... nevermind..

transformyself

His investment, from what I can tell, is that he pays the rent here. In the house we were all suppose to move, before I caught him texting his affair partner. Where I love with the kids, because his retail work schedule is so unpredictable.

I think he also is pissed that I"m not keeping it clean like he wants.

He can bite my angry Indian ass.

transformyself

But thank you for your kind words, humor and insight. Douche free zone. Hilarious!

naive

hi transform-

well, you could always file and get all the details straightened out. then you can keep your house anyway you want.

it appears this dance might go on until such time as you file. i do understand the alcoholic's threat and withdrawal tactic. it's not nice because it's always there in the back of your head, even tho they withdrew it. we both know it isn't withdrawn at all, it's just smouldering there until the next time he needs to threaten you.

i would call his bluff. i understand the insurance and discount stuff, but i'm sure a resourceful woman such as yourself will get things sorted out, one way or the other.

transformyself

Thanks Naive, your post helped me understand why I haven't filed.

Last time I did, August 2008, he was living with his affair partner. Sleeping with me, then withdrawing and raging at me. He had both of us eating out of his hands. Loved the drama.

I filed because I couldn't take it anymore. He would spend the weekend at home with me and the kids, then go back to her. Told me he was going to take the kids to the fair with her and I couldn't stop him. So I blackmailed him. Told him I would send her all of his texts and emails to me talking about how he missed me and we were sleeping together.

He had also stopped paying the bills. I went to his apartment to get our sons only pair of shoes and there she was, answered the door when I came. I was enraged.

It was so freaking stressful. I filed, served him and then he wanted to come home. I let him. I wanted him to. Not because I loved him, all though I thought I did at the time, but because I wanted to get him away from her. That's what I think now at least.

I am still too afraid to file. I think I don't want to go through the stress. I HATE having friend of the court involved in my divorce and in Mi you have no choice. They sent me notice requiring I take my kids to a special class about divorce and then send proof to the courts! And if I didn't do it, I would have to go to court to explain why! What nazis!

I think at this point I would rather take my chances with the smoldering threat and withdrawl alcoholic than the f****** government. It's a lousy choice, I know, and if he withholds money I will go and file immediatly.

And realistically, when I can get to yoga (it's been nearly two weeks) and work my program, I'm not all worked up over him. I can let go easier.

I do need to examine this closer though..

barb dwyer

You could always think about an 'adovcate' position.

THink how many others who are now where you WERE,
who need true and real help - from someone who KNOWS.
The court system is set up
in a very intimidating fashion
when you're inside an abusive reality
looking out.

Having someone trained to help others
through the tangled bureaucratic slop pile
... think of all the children
you could help.

food for thought.
There's many ways to pay it forward.
I know that around HERE - advocates are sorely needed.

I'm so proud of you, reading this thread -
You've stayed in the SOLUTION the whole bit.
Coming here to vent is exactly where it's appropriate.

Good for YOU!!!!!

Now watch -
he's making mre and more demands -
and you're not complying -
so now -
these picky petty things...
will escalate.

Because he's not 'getting' what he used to 'get
from you.
So he's going to try harder and in different ways.

You just sit in your solution
and watch the show.

barb dwyer

It's all about who's in control.

transformyself

Thanks Barb. I have represented family members and myself in court, looked up the laws and sorted out how to respond in a way that just gets you what you want. It sort of freaked me out because from my persepctive, it didn't have much to do with justice, just who can best translate the law the way it is written.

for instance, when I represented myself, one of my AH affair partners filed a restraining order against me in 2005. I looked up the law, which explained why she had lied the way she had on the form. She lied to comply with the law. But, because those laws are created to quickly keep women alive, I had to jump through numerous hoops to get it dismissed. One interaction with the judge showed her I am not a lunatic as I was painted to be (ok that's questionable I know) but I still had to do all kinds of stupid things to get it dismissed.

I think i would go crazy if I had to advocate for others. The best thing I can do is stop spending all my time here, bossing others around and finish my memoir. Show folks my crazy path.

But I love it here! I wanna live here at SR!

PHIZ007

I have been following your threads for a while now and I just wanted to say remember how far you have come too.......you sound strong, and organised to me and you know where you want to be. :0)

We all have little set backs along the way so just keep putting one foot in front of the other.....and I wish you the very best Take care....Phiz :0)

barb dwyer

well, keep it on the back burner -
when you get famous and make a gajillion dollars-

advocating for others would be a fabulous tax write - off.

Loved the thing about living here on SR.
I think, many people *do* live here.

transformyself

Phiz you're so sweet. Always reassuring and kind. Thank you.

Kassie2

Sounds like you have several issues to address. I just want to remind you of one - if you have kids together- D or not - you will be in each other's lives a long time. There is no cure for that one - so you will have to come to some place of acceptance with you IN the situation.

transformyself

Kassie you are so right my dear.

Last night AH called several times, to apologize. I accepted. We called a truce. At least on the surface. I think I"ve enjoyed enough awfull-izing, resentment and feeling superior for now.

We have been getting along well until the last week or so. I"m also aware that it was this time last year things literally fell apart and have been working through anger toward him. It surprised me, but whatever. I"m sick of hearing myself talk about it now...

Kassie2

So, can you talk about where you were at before your anger showed up?

brundle

I understand where your at; that said I would still see a lawyer. I deal with a guy who I wrote is like playing chess with the devil. In most states you should be getting spousal support and child support while not living together until the divorce. I find it's easier to "play nice" (pawn moves to...) now that we aren't living together. Not only is the game about the control but about domination... I know you want to write and do all the things your doing (there are a few things I want to do too) but secure yourself first...

I'm constantly moving those chess pieces around; that makes him have to scramble... I know all about this game because mine has more then just the alcohol going on... Hang in there... You know your amazing!!! Take a deep breath and look at that board... Your smarter... and because you've been codependant you deep down know some of the moves he's going to make... it gives you an advantage...

Hugs

coffeedrinker

I had to bring my children to a stupid class when I filed for divorce too (MN).
I knew we did not need it, as we have good and honest communication in this household, but I also realized that many people do not. I thought it was a bore, so did my kids, AND it cost me money, but I just sucked it up and realize that not every thing is for every body. They are just trying to help children and also give some education for the parents about how things work, not to bring your kids into the drama, etc.

Even though you are essentially free (from him) now, I think you will feel really free when you go through with this. It's just a piece of paper and a rubber stamp, but wow what a paper.

I remember calling a friend shortly after my divorce. I said he was doing that crazy-making stuff to me and I told her about it. She camly said, when I was done, "that is why you are not married to him anymore." It helped put things in perspective, that I don't have to let his crap affect me.

peace,