drained22

so my story is just like everyone elses here. some of you might remember my story I'm not too sure.

anyway, my birthday was Dec 4th, I call her alkie, she was my best friend and love interest for awhile.. I stopped talking to her last january because I couldn't take her behavior and drinking. it wasn't fun anymore.

anyways months passed by, I started to forget her.. trying to move on..my birthday came around and I was expecting a message from her.. I know her too well.. she did message me, said happy birthday.. I tried to ignore it, the next day she messaged me on AIM.. I responded back..

her story goes like this.. in june she went to rehab, she said she went to prove a point. I think her parents forced her.. she admitted she was trying to get her stuff together.. she even said she realized what just one drink was and not having the whole bottle.. she never spoke like that before so I thought she had a different point of view.

she said she only drinks 2 times a week now, I thought this was weird cause she has a schedule for drinking.. I knew one month in rehab wasn't going to do it. she doesn't go to any meetings but she said she didn't want to end up like those people.

everytime I'm on AIM , she messages me, we talk casual.. she asked me to go for pizza/pool.. I said I had to think about it.. honestly , I kinda am thinking she is back to her usual behavior and I just want to move on but part of me doesn't want to let her go. I like talking to her on AIM but face to face contact is too much for me because old feelings will come up.

the thing I'm mad about is she messaged me as if nothing has happened, does she think I'm the same person when she knew me back then?

she said she has some guy but she made it clear it wasn't a bf so that just makes me want to step away even further. its like hanging out with your ex wife while she is seeing someone.

just would like what other people in my situation think.

GiveLove

I remember your story really well, drained. It took a lot of suffering and lot of effort to get yourself detached from this person, who didn't appear to be good for you on any level.

Just my opinion, but I'm thinking you're asking for a really big mess by getting back in touch with her. She's a binge drinker and a manipulator who treated you like cr@p, and seems to have found a way to make it okay in your eyes because she just does it "twice a week."

But........we all have to find out for ourselves what we're willing to take. I think you're a cool person and hope this all turns out well for you, no matter what you decide.

barb dwyer

hi drained -

having had something similar happen to me as well -

I can say for SURE that there's not ONE thing to be gained
by opening up all this old wound-age.

I wrote the guy back and said that I've moved on
and he needed to do the same.

Maybe something like that?

"I wish you all the best, but my life is different now",

BUH-BYE!

drained22

Thanks givelove, I do agree its a big mess if I go back, even hang out with her once will start the cycle.

I been asking mutual people that we know, one of my friends just told me I need to move on. I believe he is right but I havent met anyone with the same personality or connection. some have been beautiful individuals but they havent been beautiful inside.

coffeedrinker

mr. drained,

i really really understand the feeling that no one else connects with you like this woman.
let me ask you if you have thought about something: have you had other relationships? have any of them had a bit of a spark (even if not as much as this one)? is there a common denominator? i found, when i was in therapy, that i am attracted to alcoholic/addicts. exclusively. sounds like a "duh" but i did not see that until it was pointed out. now i know it beyond a doubt. the reason i'm asking, is that maybe it is one of the traits that you are drawn to. are you from an alcoholic family system? just something to ponder, and perhaps one day try and figure out why it is so.

here's the other thing:
you are in new york. that means that in your state there are 20 million people, about half of which are women. don't know your city, but what do you think the chances are that there are at least a couple dozen ladies somewhere near you that you might "connect" with? prob. pretty high.

i don't know this woman, but it does not surprise me in the least that she acts like nothing (bad) happened between you. that's par for the course. also, not knowing her, i know that she is a train wreck that just hasn't happened yet. she does not even have the awareness that she is alcoholic. you can get on that train and have a short, fun ride, or take a different route.

barb dwyer

Apparently
what *I* am attrracted to -

is someone's capacity
to have *my perfect mate*

projected ONTO them ...

by me.

Sounds like I'd date a blank rock, doesn't it?

Yeah.
Anything that's gonna take on that imaginary projecting.
I'm all about that.
*to be read dripping with sarcasm*

barb dwyer

while meanwhile emptying my bank account
and discrediting me morally of course.

TakingCharge999

These are snippets from your previous posts:

11 11 2008

I posted here a few times ago, stopped recently because I thought it was getting better.


her concept of what goes on around her is warped and her point of view on things is also questionable. she lies, is cold hearted. manipulative and uses people.




11 16 2008



I told her I'm going through things, I told her how I felt about her verbal abuse, the way she behaves when I want to spend time with her and about her coldness towards me.





11 17 2008


since I been focusing on myself more, I've been content, focusing more time on schoolwork, passed a quiz where this semester I havent studied as I usually do, have more money to pay my bills. I just paid my car insurance today


1 18 2009



I been in the same situation where I would have to goto work and she is still drinking and not letting me go home and sleep. I guess you have to focus on yourself now.


1 26 2009

you can't expect rational adult conversations with a addict. they are not in the position to care for others.

TakingCharge999

I remember you and reading some of your previous posts was painful for me because you seem like a great young guy with a lot going on for yourself. Even just looking at the subjects was sad because it reminded me of myself. I remember she also did pot and cocaine? and used you to drive her places and disrespect you.

You know I just talked with my mom and when she stays with her brother... he tells her she has to leave soon, his wife cooks and doesn't offer her anything (not her obligation but in my culture this is VERY disrespectful), and has done worse things. And I asked her the same question I ask you...


Why are you still talking to this person?

One can forgive but I just learnt... out of respect to oneself.. you owe it to yourself, not to contact people who have harmed you, subconsciously or with premeditation or for whatever reason. Maybe they did things then that hurt but today its not up to them to decide anything at all.

Your subject was "alkie/former friend came back into my life" ... its wrong:

-she didn't came back into your life - you are/would be the one letting her in YOUR world.

-former friend - FORMER friend.. she had the chance to build a great friendship with you, maybe a great friendship for life, and she sent it down the drain. I don't think a stint in rehab makes her a completely wonderful person and friend out of the blue.



It comes down to.. where do you want to "go", Internet-wise, the next year...? in SR saying "she is back and drinking/drinking less/only doing pot now/dry drunk/in AA for 2 weeks/has relapsed/drinking more than ever/etc"

Or would you rather be, I dunno, buying concert tickets with a TRUE FRIEND WHO NEVER EVER WOULD IMAGINE HURTING YOU IN PURPOSE FOR A MINUTE, reserving a hostel for some backpacking trip, out in a date with a nice girl who has your healthier habits, {insert your own motivating picture here}...?

In feng shui.. there has to be an empty space before its filled with something new ... don't let her in anymore.. maybe someone worthy is already on your way? and this is a test to see if you are ready for the 'upgrade'.

I say no explanations, just block her from everything, hotmail, FB, recognize her phone and ignore her if she calls, go No contact. Come here anytime you want to break No contact. You already know you become stronger, you have done it before.

You know I had an ex similar to this one, not in being alcoholic but in showing one side with me alone then treating me like dirt when he was with friends or fellow students. Many hurts and months crying.

Fast forward a few years later he sends emails and chats as if nothing happens. I blocked him. No explanation... I just remembered all the bad times I passed... the times I felt invisible or second class. Sorry I'm just not interested now. Its a good feeling. I am wishing you are able to feel it as well you certainly don't need the drama. She needs a driver, or lover, or fellow drinker, but you know, its always about them. And what they NEED. NOW. From whoever.

If I was your mom or bigger sister.. (im 27!) I would tell you "ask her for an AA 1 year chip, after she has it you maaaaaaaaaaaaaaay start considering one cup of coffee". And even that "effort" is so small in comparison to the pain. Nay, I would cage you in your room and buy her a trip to Timbuktu. Then go to that MTV show where the parents try to choose a better partner for their child...



Just my honest opinion, I mean no disrespect

TakingCharge999

Amazon.com: Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again (9780452272040): Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko, Aaron T. Beck: Books

This book talks about why we have so much chemistry with some people and think we love them. In reality its our hurt inner child trying to recreate the childhood traumas to see if this time he/she can "make others" love him, make "this time" different. And it is never different.

It says from the ones who attract you 100%, RUN. For the 70%, 80%, go for it. It sucks but only with those are you going to obtain some peace and stop hurting yourself. Well the book explains all this much better lol.

There are several themes, abandonment, grandiosity, vulnerability, and others... it has accurate tests to see which ones are your major negative patterns. Abandonment was excellent reading. Hope you can get a copy, its totally worth it there are also great exercises like writing a letter for yourself when you feel in my case, abandoned. "Dear TC999, even if you are feeling alone now, it is not true. It is your pattern being triggered. This pattern is not you. You are safe and dearly loved by many, and a precious child of God..." really handy to keep it in my wallet and remind myself the fact I learned patterns does not mean Im doomed to repeat them over and over, and just as tons of messages made me build false beliefs, just like that if i read, hear, see, talk, and live beauty and love and company and support and compassion, my beliefs, thoughts, words and actions will change and align to what is true but i didnt learn until now.

Hope some of that made sense... read the book, is my main msg, LOL

Jadmack25

Re-read some of your old posts Drained, and it seems "your friend" has not changed and is still playing the same game that drove you mad then.

Telling some one what YOU need or want to happen, having them promise to comply, and then they do as THEY damned well please and you don't matter....is downright rude, offensive and disrespectful behavior from them.

I see nothing about her actions, or personality in your last posts, that is different to the previous posts of 2008, in that she still takes from you, has you waiting for her and shows no respect for you at all.

You say, "I havent met anyone with the same personality or connection. some have been beautiful individuals but they havent been beautiful inside."

What part of her is beautiful on the inside, and how do you know this?

What part of HER personality is so great that it is worth going thru the pain and hurt you had before, doing it all over again?

Please think it thru, and for your sake tell her you want out.

God bless

Learn2Live

life has a funny way of delivering us the same lessons, over and over, until we learn them.

this time you are conscious and aware of what is going on, and therefore able to easily CHOOSE whether or not to walk away, because you recognize the other person (because she is the SAME girl).

but how will you recognize the person for who or what she is next time, when it is NOT the same girl?

and what is the life lesson you have not yet learned?

coyote21

This post reminded me of a story I read on here once upon a time:


Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

kia

im in the same position kinda shou1d i go back shou1d i stay away i know what my sensib1e head says but its not a1ways in charge and i know what u mean about attraction and no one e1se doing that can identify i wi11 say u did it got out and imo i wou1dnt go back now ,i did it went back once a1ready nothing changed on1y its worse now as im hooked further in and its harder to pu11 away.

xxkia

drained22

I agree with the poster who said she had her chance to build a great friendship and she ruined it. after meeting her , I realized what a great person I am, Great guy too. she said I'm a beautiful, she said I was beautiful on the outside but she was emphasizing the internal.

I realized that I am lucky for someone to have, not a average person, even though that came from someone like her I should keep this part of me to myself unless someone else earns it.

I think I'm going to tell her that she had the chance to build something, whatever it may be, love or friendship but ruined it.

Thanks

kia

i think its good she hasnt destroyed a11 your se1f esteem gives me hope that i can get some of mine back again

xxkia

TakingCharge999

Hi drained... not talking to her anymore would give her the same message, only you wont give her any further opportunity to blackmail, manipulate, play victim, insult you, or however she prefers to "attack the attacker"... just my humble opinion..........

Keep getting toxic ppl away from your great life!! its a great detox program..and its free

drained22

Kia, you'll get your self esteem back once you realize you are worth more and should get more than what you got back.