My heart is broken in a million pieces...
Seeking Serenity
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
My heart is broken in a million pieces...
He drinks, I left, and right after I left he slept with his ex. This ex was his ex 34 years ago. Just like that...they picked up where they left off!!! Yes, I did leave and yes, I held out hope that he would figure out that he has a problem and could get help. But no, he trashed our marriage yet again...and then comes back to me for absolution!
I got the sorted details yesterday along with the pleading to take him back and work on the marriage. I am so hurt...I simply can't function today. I called out from work and didn't sleep at all last night. My eyes are swollen from crying. I thought I had mastered the art of detachment...but this brought me back to square one.
We are creeping up on our 32nd wedding anniversary in a few days...
I got the sorted details yesterday along with the pleading to take him back and work on the marriage. I am so hurt...I simply can't function today. I called out from work and didn't sleep at all last night. My eyes are swollen from crying. I thought I had mastered the art of detachment...but this brought me back to square one.
We are creeping up on our 32nd wedding anniversary in a few days...
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I hate to sound like a broken record, but infidelity adds years to your ability to recover from codependency. I was on the verge of leaving my AH when he cheated. It took another year and a half of madness, absolute madness, to get away again. The worst part is now you'll be terrified that he'll go back to her. Don't let that dictate your path of action.
He's a freaking alcoholic my friend. He is selfish, only selfish. He doesn't love you, he only loves himself and the booze and will do anything to get attention from you, even sleep wth his ex in the hopes it will lasso you back in.
Drink tons of water, be as good to yourself as you can. You've started the infidelity diet. Don't run him over with the car. Don't talk to him! He's selfish. That's why he came and told you this.
I"m so so sorry..ugh. I think I should stop posting. I'm having codependant feelings of anger about everyone elses situation...
He's a freaking alcoholic my friend. He is selfish, only selfish. He doesn't love you, he only loves himself and the booze and will do anything to get attention from you, even sleep wth his ex in the hopes it will lasso you back in.
Drink tons of water, be as good to yourself as you can. You've started the infidelity diet. Don't run him over with the car. Don't talk to him! He's selfish. That's why he came and told you this.
I"m so so sorry..ugh. I think I should stop posting. I'm having codependant feelings of anger about everyone elses situation...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
You left. That is the really good thing going on here. You are going to have to live in a painful place for a time - you have a lot to process and deal with. But you, like thousands before you, can do it. And you will.
Oh, and always remember that his actions are not against you personally. He is broken and doesn't have a clue how to fix it.
I'm sorry for your massive amount of hurt.
Oh, and always remember that his actions are not against you personally. He is broken and doesn't have a clue how to fix it.
I'm sorry for your massive amount of hurt.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
((( myawakening )))
I know how much this hurts, and I'm so sorry.
Do you really want a person like this in your life? We don't know you, not really, just what we can tell about how supportive and compassionate you are with others here--which says a lot. But just from that alone, in my humble opinion, we can tell that you deserve so much more than this afternoon tv talk show drama b.s. Believe it or not, there are people of the male persuasion out there who:
1) aren't alcoholics or addicts, and
2) would look at your compassionate nature and cherish you for the rest of your life because of it, and
3) would sooner set themselves on fire than do what your AH did.
Hoping that you free yourself to find this person. You deserve the very best.
We love you. :ghug3
I know how much this hurts, and I'm so sorry.
Do you really want a person like this in your life? We don't know you, not really, just what we can tell about how supportive and compassionate you are with others here--which says a lot. But just from that alone, in my humble opinion, we can tell that you deserve so much more than this afternoon tv talk show drama b.s. Believe it or not, there are people of the male persuasion out there who:
1) aren't alcoholics or addicts, and
2) would look at your compassionate nature and cherish you for the rest of your life because of it, and
3) would sooner set themselves on fire than do what your AH did.
Hoping that you free yourself to find this person. You deserve the very best.
We love you. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I am so sorry for this pain you are feeling. You know, dettachment is great and all, but you, we, all of us are still human. We are not robots, we can't shut off our emotions like that...and thank goodness we can't! You have every right to feel what you feel in these circumstances.
When you give someone you're heart, you do so willingly, with trust, when that trust is violated it is natural to be angry and feel hurt from that.
I certainly can't imagine what being in a marriage for 32 years is like, and the attachment there.
I have been beating myself up for months, in so much pain that I lost someone who I thought was so amazing because he went back to his ex. Well, I recently came upon information, due to my own snooping, that confirmed he was with her when he was telling me he wasn't. I had never had rock solid tangible evidence before, so I had always questioned myself, thinking he couldn't possibly lie.....be so hurtful to me when I cared so much....
wrong, and wrong.
Amazingly, I have looked at this new found info as a release. It actually validated all of my suspicions. And now that I know the truth, I can let go of the feelings of love I had for him. Because he was not and will never be the man I thought he was. I know, I make it sound so easy, it's not. But I am REALLY working hard on my self confidence, and know that I am better than the situations that he puts himself in. And so are you!
I love what Transform said.... he's an alcoholic, a selfish manipulative alcoholic. It's so simple, and his actions are not a reflection of you. They are a reflection of HIS character.
I know that it doesn't take away the anger you feel.
I too hope that you are able to free yourself of the pain he brings to you. Big Hugs
When you give someone you're heart, you do so willingly, with trust, when that trust is violated it is natural to be angry and feel hurt from that.
I certainly can't imagine what being in a marriage for 32 years is like, and the attachment there.
I have been beating myself up for months, in so much pain that I lost someone who I thought was so amazing because he went back to his ex. Well, I recently came upon information, due to my own snooping, that confirmed he was with her when he was telling me he wasn't. I had never had rock solid tangible evidence before, so I had always questioned myself, thinking he couldn't possibly lie.....be so hurtful to me when I cared so much....
wrong, and wrong.
Amazingly, I have looked at this new found info as a release. It actually validated all of my suspicions. And now that I know the truth, I can let go of the feelings of love I had for him. Because he was not and will never be the man I thought he was. I know, I make it sound so easy, it's not. But I am REALLY working hard on my self confidence, and know that I am better than the situations that he puts himself in. And so are you!
I love what Transform said.... he's an alcoholic, a selfish manipulative alcoholic. It's so simple, and his actions are not a reflection of you. They are a reflection of HIS character.
I know that it doesn't take away the anger you feel.
I too hope that you are able to free yourself of the pain he brings to you. Big Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Big hugs to you sweetie, the infidelity just killed me, and I know that pain you are in.....it tears the soul apart and some things will just never be the same. I know that right now you don't feel like you will ever heal, but I tell you with confidence, you will. I know the awefullness of cheating, and as a woman, it brings out every insecurity we have. It's the worst....I wish I could reach right through this computer and give you a big ol'bear hug. My EXABF did the same thing....last year he cheated on me, told me it was some bar *****, told me the hotel he took her too, and guess what....he did it on my birthday. He felt the need to tell me all about it to absolve himself, and it was the most selfish thing he could have ever done. At that moment, I knew that something had changed inside of me that would never be the same. By the way, not the first time he cheated.
Prayers and hugs coming your way, hang in, this too shall pass.
Maybe the pain of being with him is starting to outweigh the pain of being without him...
Prayers and hugs coming your way, hang in, this too shall pass.
Maybe the pain of being with him is starting to outweigh the pain of being without him...
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Believe it or not, there are people of the male persuasion out there who:
1) aren't alcoholics or addicts, and
2) would look at your compassionate nature and cherish you for the rest of your life because of it, and
3) would sooner set themselves on fire than do what your AH did.
1) aren't alcoholics or addicts, and
2) would look at your compassionate nature and cherish you for the rest of your life because of it, and
3) would sooner set themselves on fire than do what your AH did.
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
As I sit here and read these posts...I am sobbing. I feel more warmth and love from people that I never meet...than someone I had spent my life with.
Harley...you are right. It does bring out every insecurity you have. As I look in the mirror I see every line and wrinke there is...along with swollen puffy eyes. How attactive...how desirable.
I hate what he's done to me...again. Yep, I've experienced all of this once before and took him back. Of course, I can't take him back this time...but I am going to live with this pain a long while before I can put it away. He doesn't respect me like a husband should...he didn't respect our marriage. He is selfish and self centered. I feel so sick...I feel like throwing up.
He tells me...I left him...I walked out of the house. He never looks at "WHY I LEFT". So instead of picking himself up and doing the adult thing...he goes out and cheats as a pay back to me...like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum. I left the house...but I didn't leave the marriage. He left the marriage when he slept with this pig.
You want to know what the kicker is? She lives several states away. How much time and effort (never mind the money) did it take to purchase plane tickets to go back and forth to see her...twice. Once for 5 days and the other for 9...and yes, it was during the holidays.
I think I am going to vomit...
Harley...you are right. It does bring out every insecurity you have. As I look in the mirror I see every line and wrinke there is...along with swollen puffy eyes. How attactive...how desirable.
I hate what he's done to me...again. Yep, I've experienced all of this once before and took him back. Of course, I can't take him back this time...but I am going to live with this pain a long while before I can put it away. He doesn't respect me like a husband should...he didn't respect our marriage. He is selfish and self centered. I feel so sick...I feel like throwing up.
He tells me...I left him...I walked out of the house. He never looks at "WHY I LEFT". So instead of picking himself up and doing the adult thing...he goes out and cheats as a pay back to me...like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum. I left the house...but I didn't leave the marriage. He left the marriage when he slept with this pig.
You want to know what the kicker is? She lives several states away. How much time and effort (never mind the money) did it take to purchase plane tickets to go back and forth to see her...twice. Once for 5 days and the other for 9...and yes, it was during the holidays.
I think I am going to vomit...
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I am so sorry. I wish I lived nearby, I would come over and stay with you.
You have been violated. Try to rest, cry, drink water and stay away from him. I took tylenolpm a few times at first, and it really helped. I couldn't sleep, eat, drive, work or parent. When you first find out you go through sheer trauma, but I promise you'll feel better eventually.
Is there someone near by you can turn to?
Sending big, huge hugs your way.
You have been violated. Try to rest, cry, drink water and stay away from him. I took tylenolpm a few times at first, and it really helped. I couldn't sleep, eat, drive, work or parent. When you first find out you go through sheer trauma, but I promise you'll feel better eventually.
Is there someone near by you can turn to?
Sending big, huge hugs your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
OMG...I look at the saying on the bottom of your screen "The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it", and I know right now that you don't feel you will rise above this. You will. You are in shock right now, and it will take time for the feelings to subside. I think I lost 20 lbs. in 3 weeks when this happened. Couldn't sleep, eat, all I did was cry. Now I'm referring to Christmas two years ago when the EXAB slept with my (or so I thought) "friend". Found out about it right before the holidays. He had been doing it for months, and coming over crying about how much he needed me and wanted to make things work out.
Please, please, please take care of yourself dear friend, and know that we are all here for you. I was told I had to feel every feeling, and I did, and then...well, ya know how that goes, I took the piece of **** back again....and he cheated again...the change we seek so badly needs to come from within, not without. I realize that the only thing I can change at this time is myself, and that can only be done with the power of God. You are in my prayers, and I am truly praying hard for you today.
Please, please, please take care of yourself dear friend, and know that we are all here for you. I was told I had to feel every feeling, and I did, and then...well, ya know how that goes, I took the piece of **** back again....and he cheated again...the change we seek so badly needs to come from within, not without. I realize that the only thing I can change at this time is myself, and that can only be done with the power of God. You are in my prayers, and I am truly praying hard for you today.
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Trans...my family is here, but they are so angry too...no one is being constructive.
I'm going to work tomorrow...one way or the other. Sat here all day feeling sorry for myself...not good. I think I'm all cried out.
...and the idiot texted and called all day. Guess his little bed buddy was busy today!
I'm going to work tomorrow...one way or the other. Sat here all day feeling sorry for myself...not good. I think I'm all cried out.
...and the idiot texted and called all day. Guess his little bed buddy was busy today!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The GREAT White North
Posts: 315
Oh my. This triggered so many emotions for me. That pain almost killed me. It really did. The words of encouragement and the stories of people who have been there just might carry you through.
We'll love you until you love yourself.
Now I don't talk as nicely. myawakening - I hate him too right now.
(((hug)))
We'll love you until you love yourself.
Now I don't talk as nicely. myawakening - I hate him too right now.
(((hug)))
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Now I don't talk as nicely. myawakening - I hate him too right now.
Soberinwpg-the water works started again. I'm sorry to bring such bad emotions to the surface for you. If people only knew how their actions destroy people...maybe they would stop and think.
But I guess treating people's feelings with respect is too much to ask for!
UGH UGH UGH!!!
I want to bang myself in the head with something heavy.
Soberinwpg-the water works started again. I'm sorry to bring such bad emotions to the surface for you. If people only knew how their actions destroy people...maybe they would stop and think.
But I guess treating people's feelings with respect is too much to ask for!
UGH UGH UGH!!!
I want to bang myself in the head with something heavy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The GREAT White North
Posts: 315
Originally Posted by myawakening 
Now I don't talk as nicely. myawakening - I hate him too right now.
Soberinwpg-the water works started again. I'm sorry to bring such bad emotions to the surface for you. If people only knew how their actions destroy people...maybe they would stop and think.
But I guess treating people's feelings with respect is too much to ask for!
UGH UGH UGH!!!
I want to bang myself in the head with something heavy.
Soberinwpg-the water works started again. I'm sorry to bring such bad emotions to the surface for you. If people only knew how their actions destroy people...maybe they would stop and think.
But I guess treating people's feelings with respect is too much to ask for!
UGH UGH UGH!!!
I want to bang myself in the head with something heavy.
I met a man who truly would never, ever treat me like that and guess what? My actions and my disease hurt him in the end.
It's a cunning, baffling, powerful disease my friend.
Stay close.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i walked a mile in your shoes too, myawakening. it hurt more than anything else he had done. in a weird way, it made me want him more. must have been some primitave "that's my man" thing arising.
i think that infidelity often accompanies alcholism because well, they are drunk. i also think that there is a "sensation seeking" element in it...when they hurt they drink and get their sensational fix to avoid their emotions.
then, when they sober up and survey the wreckage, they do what is necessary to ease their conscience, if they can even hear it anymore. so they blurt it out with a whole bunch of tears and promises AND THEN REPEAT THE SAME BEHAVIOR.
so, obviously, the apology lacks sincerity.
mine confessed, cried, made love to me, and then went to her house that night. even had the nerve to come home with a curry for me! like nothing had happened.
anyway, sorry for your suffering. you're not alone.
i think that infidelity often accompanies alcholism because well, they are drunk. i also think that there is a "sensation seeking" element in it...when they hurt they drink and get their sensational fix to avoid their emotions.
then, when they sober up and survey the wreckage, they do what is necessary to ease their conscience, if they can even hear it anymore. so they blurt it out with a whole bunch of tears and promises AND THEN REPEAT THE SAME BEHAVIOR.
so, obviously, the apology lacks sincerity.
mine confessed, cried, made love to me, and then went to her house that night. even had the nerve to come home with a curry for me! like nothing had happened.
anyway, sorry for your suffering. you're not alone.
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Oh Sober...my heart broke for you. I've never heard it from that side of the fence. I hope your life is better now...and you have made peace with all of that.
Naive-You are a very wise individual and I find myself in awe of your posts. You seem to have a real insight and completely understand how I feel. You are 100% right...I was a range of emotions yesterday and yes, one of them was the thought that OK...maybe I want him back so she doesn't have him. He even had some nerve thinking we could make love! All I could think about was his mouth all over someone else. I wanted to vomit all over him.
Yes, I do hate him Sober. He has brought back all the pain he gave me years ago...and added something new to it. I hate him for bringing me back to square one when I was moving slowly forward to a better place.
I especially hate him for taking my peace of mind once again...
Naive-You are a very wise individual and I find myself in awe of your posts. You seem to have a real insight and completely understand how I feel. You are 100% right...I was a range of emotions yesterday and yes, one of them was the thought that OK...maybe I want him back so she doesn't have him. He even had some nerve thinking we could make love! All I could think about was his mouth all over someone else. I wanted to vomit all over him.
Yes, I do hate him Sober. He has brought back all the pain he gave me years ago...and added something new to it. I hate him for bringing me back to square one when I was moving slowly forward to a better place.
I especially hate him for taking my peace of mind once again...
Seeking Serenity
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 144
Oh GL...come hang with me. You make me laugh. I kind of like your idea though.
It's scary...I can see how domestic violence happens. I want to choke the life right out of him as he sits there like a little boy waiting for me to slap him on the wrist and say all is forgiven.
You know what...? She can have him...and every time he looks in her face he will remember how he lost it all. Wonder then if he will be happy? I think not. Do you?
It's scary...I can see how domestic violence happens. I want to choke the life right out of him as he sits there like a little boy waiting for me to slap him on the wrist and say all is forgiven.
You know what...? She can have him...and every time he looks in her face he will remember how he lost it all. Wonder then if he will be happy? I think not. Do you?
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