Help! She's turning it around on me again and infuriating me now
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Help! She's turning it around on me again and infuriating me now
You all know the background. I have an AGF, pregnant, no job, no career, drinks and has been in rehab.
I have made the point that I likely will not be cohabitating with her anytime in the near future. Here's her email, she's even using her son against me. I made the mistake of voicing my worries about any alcohol related health issues the baby might have. Of course, now I am being disrespectful in her mind:
"Do your research, read your books, go to alanon, talk to everyone about us but me and whatever the hell you want to do cause it's plain as day you want nothing to do with me and you have no respect for me at all. I deserve better than this and I wont take it anymore. You made this call, this is what you wanted so follow through. I'm done with this ******** and childish immature behaviour! Done! I will not tolerate it anymore. I have been patient and calm and listened and spoke and apologized for my errors and changed by behaviour and it still hasn't changed one little bit cause you haven't changed. I am already a parent and I have a child on the way I don't need someone in my life that's doing nothing positive for me actually you are trying to do quite the opposite by speaking to me in such a disrespectful manner. But it's not going to work anymore, I know I am better than this and I deserve better than this. As my son said to me John would give you a good smack if he was around to see this. It's so wrong on so many levels. But grow up already if not for yourself then for your child your about to be a father ffs time to smarten up and act like a man."
Is this squawking or what?
In her mind, she has simply 'snapped' her fingers and all the problems are solved I.e. with her drinking etc.
I have made the point that I likely will not be cohabitating with her anytime in the near future. Here's her email, she's even using her son against me. I made the mistake of voicing my worries about any alcohol related health issues the baby might have. Of course, now I am being disrespectful in her mind:
"Do your research, read your books, go to alanon, talk to everyone about us but me and whatever the hell you want to do cause it's plain as day you want nothing to do with me and you have no respect for me at all. I deserve better than this and I wont take it anymore. You made this call, this is what you wanted so follow through. I'm done with this ******** and childish immature behaviour! Done! I will not tolerate it anymore. I have been patient and calm and listened and spoke and apologized for my errors and changed by behaviour and it still hasn't changed one little bit cause you haven't changed. I am already a parent and I have a child on the way I don't need someone in my life that's doing nothing positive for me actually you are trying to do quite the opposite by speaking to me in such a disrespectful manner. But it's not going to work anymore, I know I am better than this and I deserve better than this. As my son said to me John would give you a good smack if he was around to see this. It's so wrong on so many levels. But grow up already if not for yourself then for your child your about to be a father ffs time to smarten up and act like a man."
Is this squawking or what?
In her mind, she has simply 'snapped' her fingers and all the problems are solved I.e. with her drinking etc.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 62
Perhaps you would be better served by going "no contact" with her. Have her parents, physician, social worker or some other party to contact you directly should there be an issue concerning the unborn child. That is the only thing that would require you being involved.
You do not have to read her emails, take her calls, or have any contact with her. You are choosing to do that. You are choosing to give her your power by reading what she writes and then becoming angry.
What are you doing toward your recovery? Are you going to Al Anon? Are you seeing a counselor to help you work through all the anger and rage issues you have toward her? Are you taking care of yourself each day? Are you doing something to be good to yourself each day? Have you read "Codependent No More"?
You are in a difficult situation because you are going to be the father of her child and therefore there will always be a connection of some sort. But you can take control of that contact. Spend this time before the baby arrives working on your recovery, taking care of yourself and finding happiness so that when the baby comes you will be ready to be a great Dad regardless of anything going on with her.
You have the power within yourself not to give her your power. Stay strong. Go to Al Anon. Give her to your HP and focus on you. <<<Hugs>>>
You do not have to read her emails, take her calls, or have any contact with her. You are choosing to do that. You are choosing to give her your power by reading what she writes and then becoming angry.
What are you doing toward your recovery? Are you going to Al Anon? Are you seeing a counselor to help you work through all the anger and rage issues you have toward her? Are you taking care of yourself each day? Are you doing something to be good to yourself each day? Have you read "Codependent No More"?
You are in a difficult situation because you are going to be the father of her child and therefore there will always be a connection of some sort. But you can take control of that contact. Spend this time before the baby arrives working on your recovery, taking care of yourself and finding happiness so that when the baby comes you will be ready to be a great Dad regardless of anything going on with her.
You have the power within yourself not to give her your power. Stay strong. Go to Al Anon. Give her to your HP and focus on you. <<<Hugs>>>
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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John would give you a good smack if he was around to see this
Others can address this more kindly but I have suspected that you are an abuser since you first appeared here. And this basically confirms it.
I see nothing in this email that should infuriate you, other than a woman you cannot control. I hope you get some help. I hope you can take the focus off of her and onto yourself.
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Originally Posted by transformyself 
I'm not going to play games with you anymore.
Others can address this more kindly but I have suspected that you are an abuser since you first appeared here. And this basically confirms it.
I see nothing in this email that should infuriate you, other than a woman you cannot control. I hope you get some help. I hope you can take the focus off of her and onto yourself.
Others can address this more kindly but I have suspected that you are an abuser since you first appeared here. And this basically confirms it.
I see nothing in this email that should infuriate you, other than a woman you cannot control. I hope you get some help. I hope you can take the focus off of her and onto yourself.
Out of curiosity, what else have I displayed in your opinion that leads your to this? I am asking you honestly.
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Originally Posted by Ives
Fair enough. I do have control issues, but I've never hit anyone or anything. I am upset about her lying to me for over a year.
Go back and read most of your own post. They are filled with such anger, rage and perhaps even hatred toward another human being that it leaps off the page. You come across in your post as a ticking time bomb. Whether that is accurate or not is not my place to judge. That is between you and your HP.
But with a child on the way now is the time to gain some control of your own issues, seek recovery and simply just leave her out of it. In her email she seems to feel she is working toward recovery. That is between her and her HP. Get help for yourself if for no other reason than the fact that you have a child on the way.
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Originally Posted by Forever4you
Admitting you have control issues will lead you to get help if you choose to. But only if you choose to.
Go back and read most of your own post. They are filled with such anger, rage and perhaps even hatred toward another human being that it leaps off the page. You come across in your post as a ticking time bomb. Whether that is accurate or not is not my place to judge. That is between you and your HP.
But with a child on the way now is the time to gain some control of your own issues, seek recovery and simply just leave her out of it. In her email she seems to feel she is working toward recovery. That is between her and her HP. Get help for yourself if for no other reason than the fact that you have a child on the way.
Go back and read most of your own post. They are filled with such anger, rage and perhaps even hatred toward another human being that it leaps off the page. You come across in your post as a ticking time bomb. Whether that is accurate or not is not my place to judge. That is between you and your HP.
But with a child on the way now is the time to gain some control of your own issues, seek recovery and simply just leave her out of it. In her email she seems to feel she is working toward recovery. That is between her and her HP. Get help for yourself if for no other reason than the fact that you have a child on the way.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Go back and read most of your own post. They are filled with such anger, rage and perhaps even hatred toward another human being that it leaps off the page. You come across in your post as a ticking time bomb. Whether that is accurate or not is not my place to judge. That is between you and your HP.
I'm compelled to answer your question, go back and detail for you how I"ve come to this conclusion. However, if what I suspect is true, that will only give you more of an advantage to mislead others. To cloak yourself and blame your AGF.
I'm being honest. Not trying to be hurtful. I will just recommend, strongly recommend that you find an anger management course or therapist to work out your anger issues toward your AGF. What can it hurt?
I hope you understand that many of us have lived with, and barely escaped, abusive relationships. In my mind, I am not simply targeting you, as a man, because of my trauma, but calling out behavior I've seen build, with a discerning eye.
I don't know many men who have the courage to look within themselves at these issues, especially when it's so easy to feel attacked or unjustly judged. I can tell you that I've grown the most when folks around me have been direct and honest with me about my behavior. It takes strength and faith to turn that magnifying glass around and honestly look within.
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Originally Posted by transformyself
I"m not going to pretend this isn't freaky. If you are an abuser, you're a dangerous person, capable of misleading others, making it look like your rage is justified and misrepresenting the situation. It's impossible for anyone here on this site to determine with 100% accuracy what's going on in your life. We only have your typed words.
I'm compelled to answer your question, go back and detail for you how I"ve come to this conclusion. However, if what I suspect is true, that will only give you more of an advantage to mislead others. To cloak yourself and blame your AGF.
I'm being honest. Not trying to be hurtful. I will just recommend, strongly recommend that you find an anger management course or therapist to work out your anger issues toward your AGF. What can it hurt?
I hope you understand that many of us have lived with, and barely escaped, abusive relationships. In my mind, I am not simply targeting you, as a man, because of my trauma, but calling out behavior I've seen build, with a discerning eye.
I don't know many men who have the courage to look within themselves at these issues, especially when it's so easy to feel attacked or unjustly judged. I can tell you that I've grown the most when folks around me have been direct and honest with me about my behavior. It takes strength and faith to turn that magnifying glass around and honestly look within.
I'm compelled to answer your question, go back and detail for you how I"ve come to this conclusion. However, if what I suspect is true, that will only give you more of an advantage to mislead others. To cloak yourself and blame your AGF.
I'm being honest. Not trying to be hurtful. I will just recommend, strongly recommend that you find an anger management course or therapist to work out your anger issues toward your AGF. What can it hurt?
I hope you understand that many of us have lived with, and barely escaped, abusive relationships. In my mind, I am not simply targeting you, as a man, because of my trauma, but calling out behavior I've seen build, with a discerning eye.
I don't know many men who have the courage to look within themselves at these issues, especially when it's so easy to feel attacked or unjustly judged. I can tell you that I've grown the most when folks around me have been direct and honest with me about my behavior. It takes strength and faith to turn that magnifying glass around and honestly look within.
I will admit to anger, yes. I am not lying though about what she was doing. But again, I see your point and will look inwardly.
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Ives, take a good look at your other post where you "feel nothing" (except perhaps protectiveness toward your unborn child)
Perhaps that is a good place to aspire to again?
She is who she is.
You know you don't want to be with her.
You know your energy is better spent working on making yourself a happier, better person.
She is being monitored now, so your unborn child is safer.
When he/she is born, you can decide what to do then.
Sound good so far?
Cutting off contact with her would seem (in my humblest of opinions) to be the best for your sanity at this point.
Abusive, not abusive, not for any of us to say. We don't know you. As has been mentioned, we only have the words you type to go on, and many times I've seen people come across as abusive when they are really just letting an angry persona rear its ugly head......I have a rage-filled side myself, but it has never, and will never, become physical action. I know how deceptive discussion forums can sometimes be.
Take this whole conversation at face value, and decide what YOU want to do with your life, what kind of man you want to be. It's the only life you have -- I hope you will stop letting this relationship trigger you, and get on with your own goals and dreams. It can't feel good to you or anyone else to get stuck on "rage."
Perhaps that is a good place to aspire to again?
She is who she is.
You know you don't want to be with her.
You know your energy is better spent working on making yourself a happier, better person.
She is being monitored now, so your unborn child is safer.
When he/she is born, you can decide what to do then.
Sound good so far?
Cutting off contact with her would seem (in my humblest of opinions) to be the best for your sanity at this point.
Abusive, not abusive, not for any of us to say. We don't know you. As has been mentioned, we only have the words you type to go on, and many times I've seen people come across as abusive when they are really just letting an angry persona rear its ugly head......I have a rage-filled side myself, but it has never, and will never, become physical action. I know how deceptive discussion forums can sometimes be.
Take this whole conversation at face value, and decide what YOU want to do with your life, what kind of man you want to be. It's the only life you have -- I hope you will stop letting this relationship trigger you, and get on with your own goals and dreams. It can't feel good to you or anyone else to get stuck on "rage."
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I too agree with all of the above. And yes, Ives, you have admitted that you have been raging....i'm glad you admit that.
The thing about this forum, atleast the perception and feeling I get and thankfully, is for those men and women who have felt painfully emotionally deteriorating feelings from dealing with / living a life with an alcoholic.
Yes, there are many times when people come here to vent when they can't keep their emotions bottled up inside.
But honestly, that's not what I get when I read your posts, I just read someone who posts hateful things about his girlfriend / ex girlfriend (still confused as to what is going on there) and only wants people to agree and bash her and tell you yep, she's sqauwking.
It's almost like you are just searching for validations for anyone to be on your side.
Ok, she's an alcoholic, you know she's a liar, she has lied, you say she twists things around to blame you, which we have all felt that.... ok, so if you have come to terms with this information, why are you still allowing it to infuriate you so?
Honestly, you're the one who keeps throwing yourself on the fire.
The only thing I can say is that it's good that you care about your baby.
The thing about this forum, atleast the perception and feeling I get and thankfully, is for those men and women who have felt painfully emotionally deteriorating feelings from dealing with / living a life with an alcoholic.
Yes, there are many times when people come here to vent when they can't keep their emotions bottled up inside.
But honestly, that's not what I get when I read your posts, I just read someone who posts hateful things about his girlfriend / ex girlfriend (still confused as to what is going on there) and only wants people to agree and bash her and tell you yep, she's sqauwking.
It's almost like you are just searching for validations for anyone to be on your side.
Ok, she's an alcoholic, you know she's a liar, she has lied, you say she twists things around to blame you, which we have all felt that.... ok, so if you have come to terms with this information, why are you still allowing it to infuriate you so?
Honestly, you're the one who keeps throwing yourself on the fire.
The only thing I can say is that it's good that you care about your baby.
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Growth is neither easy nor painless. Looking back, I see that the reason I sought therapy was to validate my anger. I wanted someone to agree with me about how awful my husband was. To tell me how right I was and how wrong he was.
The therapist was very annoying to me because she wanted to focus on my issues and my problems, not his. I only wanted to continue my "righteous superiority" and have someone agree with me. She told me she saw him as a "convenient distraction" I was using in order to avoid dealing with my own issues.
In hindsight, the best thing I ever did was stick it out with her even though some of her assertions made me uncomfortable and even angry. Eventually I learned that my anger and control issues stemmed from fear. I was using my superiority to feel better about myself because I didn't want to face my fears. Fear of not being good enough. It's been a long journey and I haven't come close to figuring it all out yet.
I've come to accept that I am not 'better' than anyone else. We are all flawed human beings traveling our own paths through life. It is unfortunate that I married someone whose path was incompatible with mine. I spent many years trying to control him and others to no avail. Only when I turned my energy toward my own life did I find what I was looking for all along.
L
The therapist was very annoying to me because she wanted to focus on my issues and my problems, not his. I only wanted to continue my "righteous superiority" and have someone agree with me. She told me she saw him as a "convenient distraction" I was using in order to avoid dealing with my own issues.
In hindsight, the best thing I ever did was stick it out with her even though some of her assertions made me uncomfortable and even angry. Eventually I learned that my anger and control issues stemmed from fear. I was using my superiority to feel better about myself because I didn't want to face my fears. Fear of not being good enough. It's been a long journey and I haven't come close to figuring it all out yet.
I've come to accept that I am not 'better' than anyone else. We are all flawed human beings traveling our own paths through life. It is unfortunate that I married someone whose path was incompatible with mine. I spent many years trying to control him and others to no avail. Only when I turned my energy toward my own life did I find what I was looking for all along.
L
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Thank you. Yeah, I have been OCDing on this issue too long. I guess when you keep getting told that which is not reality, it can constantly make you question yourself and therefore seek out anyone who will agree with your stance in order to stop yourself from going mad. But it doesn't work. And it doesn't solve anything either. I too have fear, and anger.
Damn. You know what, I've been going through a 'righteous superiority' as well.
Everyone here says focus on yourself, and I haven't been doing that. I've been caught in an endless loop of chasing my own tail in obsessing about this all.
Damn. You know what, I've been going through a 'righteous superiority' as well.
Everyone here says focus on yourself, and I haven't been doing that. I've been caught in an endless loop of chasing my own tail in obsessing about this all.
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I did too. I felt like I had....well....a "right" to it. It was so obvious to me: I was Good. He was Bad. Black and white.
But it wasn't doing me any good, and in fact was keeping my feet stuck in a sticky, smelly mire of anger and hurt.
Keep moving forward and being honest with yourself. And try to stay away from the kryptonite of your xagf. It isn't helping you, is it?
P.S. Ives.......we know a lot about your xagf, but not much about you. How about you tell us one great thing you want to do with your life? Do you have any dreams or ambitions, things you'd like to do before you die?
But it wasn't doing me any good, and in fact was keeping my feet stuck in a sticky, smelly mire of anger and hurt.
Keep moving forward and being honest with yourself. And try to stay away from the kryptonite of your xagf. It isn't helping you, is it?
P.S. Ives.......we know a lot about your xagf, but not much about you. How about you tell us one great thing you want to do with your life? Do you have any dreams or ambitions, things you'd like to do before you die?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Eventually I learned that my anger and control issues stemmed from fear. I was using my superiority to feel better about myself because I didn't want to face my fears.
Yep, I realized this when I stopped trying to control AH. Felt that flow of superiority stop. It was, thankfully, replaced by a new, bigger job of taking care of my own damn life, which I think was one reason why I stayed focused on AH for so long. Seriousy? I've got a huge mess to clean up now. My bills, my house, my relationship with my kids. It all suffered because I enjoyed, on many levels, feeling better than my AH.
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Transformyself, I just wanted to tell you that I have been following you on these boards for the past four months, and it blows me away how much you have grown. You seem to have insight that eludes me, and I love to read your posts. You inspire me, our stories are similar, and when I see that you are doing this, and doing this WELL, I have hope that I too can follow in your footsteps. I believe we started around the same time, but I went back again, and you didn't. I sometimes think "CRAP", maybe I would be where she is if I just hadn't.....yada yada yada!! Thank you for posting as often as you do, I really need your words and inspiration.
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