Help! She's turning it around on me again and infuriating me now
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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This thread is interesting to me. We've had many many people come through this forum who are "raging" and seeing red, but this is the first time I've ever seen accusations of abuse for someone who is trying to safeguard their child.
Controlling? Maybe. Obsessive? Hard for me to say, it's not my unborn child we're talking about.
This thread makes me very uncomfortable.
Controlling? Maybe. Obsessive? Hard for me to say, it's not my unborn child we're talking about.
This thread makes me very uncomfortable.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
There's a lot of difficult soul-searching going on for the O.P. right now, and he has already been extremely tolerant of criticism.
Let's try to keep this thread on a positive, supportive trend, and keep it limited to experience, strength, and hope. Thanks, everyone.
Let's try to keep this thread on a positive, supportive trend, and keep it limited to experience, strength, and hope. Thanks, everyone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by littlefish 
Ives I can't come to the conclusion that you are violent or anything like that from a mere website talk forum, but I was intrigued that you chose to ignore my comment the other day when I hoped that your AGF would recover.
You didn't seem to be interested in hearing anything like that and you have apparently decided that she will NEVER change.
I have the interesting experience of being on both sides of a looking glass: I'm both a recovering alcoholic and a codependent to 3 active alcoholic brothers who are always trying to scam me for money and favors. The lies are thick. I also grew up codie.
From both sides of the looking glass that I occupy....I would advise you to not enjoy the rage too much. It can be tempting and enjoyable to fall into the martyr role. Don't find release in the hatred. If you find yourself being angry with a measure of glee and triumph...run, don't walk to the nearest alanon meeting.
I mention again....recovery for her now means she may possibly be a sober parent to your child. Wouldn't you want that? Your own relationship to her is now irrelevant and in the past. Your anger is also irrelevant. Your new role is as advocate for your child. And, drama doesn't really accomplish much.
You didn't seem to be interested in hearing anything like that and you have apparently decided that she will NEVER change.
I have the interesting experience of being on both sides of a looking glass: I'm both a recovering alcoholic and a codependent to 3 active alcoholic brothers who are always trying to scam me for money and favors. The lies are thick. I also grew up codie.
From both sides of the looking glass that I occupy....I would advise you to not enjoy the rage too much. It can be tempting and enjoyable to fall into the martyr role. Don't find release in the hatred. If you find yourself being angry with a measure of glee and triumph...run, don't walk to the nearest alanon meeting.
I mention again....recovery for her now means she may possibly be a sober parent to your child. Wouldn't you want that? Your own relationship to her is now irrelevant and in the past. Your anger is also irrelevant. Your new role is as advocate for your child. And, drama doesn't really accomplish much.
All I know is that my unborn baby is being assaulted by her mother.
How would anyone else here handle that situation?
I was pretty mad. She's innocent and cannot defend herself.
Yeah, that kind of makes me mad.
Because I can't stop it.
Imagine someone is assaulting your child and you are powerless to stop it. And they keep on doing it.
Then tell me how fear drives anger.
Her recovery won't mean a whole hell of a lot if my daughter comes out damaged before she even had a chance.
Would you not agree?
If she comes out damaged, I'll tell you this - I won't be giving a rats arse about her mother's 'recovery'.
I'll be too busy taking care of a pretty messed up situation with an infant with some pretty bad health problems.
Apparently, some people are above me and wouldn't be very upset about that. "Oh well, what can you do?"
Seems to me like some people mired in their little quagmires on here better get some guts and stand up to their drunk abusers instead of play acting bravery on the internet in accusing me of being 'abusive'.
I'm standing up for my unborn child and people here can't even stand up to their 'spouses'.
My AGF is abusive, to her own unborn daughter. Sounds like some here are child abuse apologists.
This forum is groupthink at its lowest. The people here are apparently as sick as their addicted spouses, and likely not the best people to be taking advice from anymore.
It's like a cult on here.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Well, you can continue to be angry about what is, or you can deal with it from here. (Which, by the way, I think you are doing.)
Have you no responsibility in this situation? Did you not choose an unhealthy partner to make a child with?
Casting blame and fault may make you feel better temporarily, but it does nothing to improve the circumstances as they exist. You may be angry and fearful about what is, but it still remains reality, does it not?
Recovery of the mother would be a good thing, no? Maybe even the best thing, given the circumstances. Whether that comes to pass or not is out of your control, but being angry and wishing her ill does nobody any good. Least of all, the unborn child.
Can you come to terms with what is, and work from there? Can you let go of your anger long enough to figure out the best path forward?
L
Have you no responsibility in this situation? Did you not choose an unhealthy partner to make a child with?
Casting blame and fault may make you feel better temporarily, but it does nothing to improve the circumstances as they exist. You may be angry and fearful about what is, but it still remains reality, does it not?
Recovery of the mother would be a good thing, no? Maybe even the best thing, given the circumstances. Whether that comes to pass or not is out of your control, but being angry and wishing her ill does nobody any good. Least of all, the unborn child.
Can you come to terms with what is, and work from there? Can you let go of your anger long enough to figure out the best path forward?
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Well, you can continue to be angry about what is, or you can deal with it from here. (Which, by the way, I think you are doing.)
Have you no responsibility in this situation? Did you not choose an unhealthy partner to make a child with?
Casting blame and fault may make you feel better temporarily, but it does nothing to improve the circumstances as they exist. You may be angry and fearful about what is, but it still remains reality, does it not?
Recovery of the mother would be a good thing, no? Maybe even the best thing, given the circumstances. Whether that comes to pass or not is out of your control, but being angry and wishing her ill does nobody any good. Least of all, the unborn child.
Can you come to terms with what is, and work from there? Can you let go of your anger long enough to figure out the best path forward?
L
Have you no responsibility in this situation? Did you not choose an unhealthy partner to make a child with?
Casting blame and fault may make you feel better temporarily, but it does nothing to improve the circumstances as they exist. You may be angry and fearful about what is, but it still remains reality, does it not?
Recovery of the mother would be a good thing, no? Maybe even the best thing, given the circumstances. Whether that comes to pass or not is out of your control, but being angry and wishing her ill does nobody any good. Least of all, the unborn child.
Can you come to terms with what is, and work from there? Can you let go of your anger long enough to figure out the best path forward?
L
You think I'm going to be buying her a dozen roses after that?
I don't bloody well think so.
People who hurt children, born or unborn....I don't know.....I don't advocate it.....but then, I'm not pro abortion.
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Originally Posted by Ives
I don't wish her ill, all I said is how can I give a rat's arse about her recovery if she's already permanently damaged my daughter due to her own reckless and selfish behaviour?
You think I'm going to be buying her a dozen roses after that?
I don't bloody well think so.
People who hurt children, born or unborn....I don't know.....I don't advocate it.....but then, I'm not pro abortion.
You think I'm going to be buying her a dozen roses after that?
I don't bloody well think so.
People who hurt children, born or unborn....I don't know.....I don't advocate it.....but then, I'm not pro abortion.
You have already taken steps within your power to mitigate the damage. I applaud you for that.
Again, I ask you, did you not knowingly choose an unhealthy partner to create a child with? Are you absolved of all responsibility because you are not physically carrying that child?
The way I see it, you are just as responsible for this situation as she is. Being angry at her is not the answer. I say this as a child who grew up with two messed up parents. One who drank and gambled, and one who was obsessed and angry. You cannot change the kind of parent she will be, but you have the power to change the kind of parent you will be.
Are you up for it?
L
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello ives-
i too think you have been somewhat misread here and accused of expressing the very same emotions many women express: frustration, anger, hate.
to me, the difference is you are a man.
also, many of the women here (including myself actually) have been hurt at the hand's of physical abusers and are perhaps a bit overly sensitive when a man expresses anger towards a previous partner.
i actually don't feel that this thread has done you justice. you are in a very tough spot and there is another life to consider.
personally, i think its very normal to feel what you are feeling and as time goes on and your recovery goes on, i feel those feelings will diminish. again, we see the same thing with many women, yet we don't accuse them of wanting to attack their partner.
just my two cents.
naive
i too think you have been somewhat misread here and accused of expressing the very same emotions many women express: frustration, anger, hate.
to me, the difference is you are a man.
also, many of the women here (including myself actually) have been hurt at the hand's of physical abusers and are perhaps a bit overly sensitive when a man expresses anger towards a previous partner.
i actually don't feel that this thread has done you justice. you are in a very tough spot and there is another life to consider.
personally, i think its very normal to feel what you are feeling and as time goes on and your recovery goes on, i feel those feelings will diminish. again, we see the same thing with many women, yet we don't accuse them of wanting to attack their partner.
just my two cents.
naive
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ives,
I hope you can find a counselor or therapist to work with you through this difficult time. You do not have to do this alone. A professional is the one that can guide you through the complex emotions of such a difficult situation, see which emotions are worth exploring, which aren't, what helps, what doesn't.
I agree with you this is not to be taken lightly. I know we all have our own background and process to go through and although many truths resonate here, each path is individual and unique.
I wish you all the best.
I hope you can find a counselor or therapist to work with you through this difficult time. You do not have to do this alone. A professional is the one that can guide you through the complex emotions of such a difficult situation, see which emotions are worth exploring, which aren't, what helps, what doesn't.
I agree with you this is not to be taken lightly. I know we all have our own background and process to go through and although many truths resonate here, each path is individual and unique.
I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
This thread is out of hand now, and I think the needs of both the original poster and the forum are best served by closing it, and allowing things to move on.
Ives, don't judge the forum by the words of a few. Remember you're going to get lots of opinions here, some of them will be helpful to the journey you're on, some not. That's why our number one credo is "Take what you need and leave the rest."
Just like in life, it's good to be able to detach from people whose opinions aren't valuable to you, after being open to any growth opportunities that come from an initial listen.
Please feel free to continue posting - you've received some good support, you'll note, mixed in with the rest. Good luck with this difficult situation.
Ives, don't judge the forum by the words of a few. Remember you're going to get lots of opinions here, some of them will be helpful to the journey you're on, some not. That's why our number one credo is "Take what you need and leave the rest."
Just like in life, it's good to be able to detach from people whose opinions aren't valuable to you, after being open to any growth opportunities that come from an initial listen.
Please feel free to continue posting - you've received some good support, you'll note, mixed in with the rest. Good luck with this difficult situation.
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