His affair and substance abuse
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His affair and substance abuse
My partner of 5 years had an affair last year for almost 2 months. He can't remember much (I found out the full details months later) because he says he was drinking a lot, smoking a lot of weed, and doing other psychedelics and opiates.
We were apart when this happened, and he says that he was miserable, seeking comfort, and turned to alcohol, drugs, and this other woman to lean on.
Since we've been back together this fall and winter, he's not been doing as much drinking (he smokes pot but not a lot and his usage has never been a problem around me) and i know for a fact he doesn't do any drugs right now. Occasionally, over the years, we would do psychedelics together, something that we enjoy.
I also drink almost daily (1-3 drinks a day) but will go days without drinking. I've never had an addiction issue, and that's not why I'm here (I do not smoke pot).
I am concerned that my partner, who has expressed intense guilt and remorse over his affair, will one day resume drinking and doing drugs heavily when away from me or when he's stressed. . .I am afraid he will hide his usage from me. His father is a known alcoholic, and though my partner has stressed that he hates his father's habit and is working on confronting his own family about that, I just can't shake it from my mind that my partner will one day (20 years from now?) become his father, or become addicted to other drugs, or in some way be unfaithful to me and our relationship through hiding addiction and abuse. He's done it before!
I am happy to give more details if this isn't enough. I'm a new member seeking advice. Please help!
We were apart when this happened, and he says that he was miserable, seeking comfort, and turned to alcohol, drugs, and this other woman to lean on.
Since we've been back together this fall and winter, he's not been doing as much drinking (he smokes pot but not a lot and his usage has never been a problem around me) and i know for a fact he doesn't do any drugs right now. Occasionally, over the years, we would do psychedelics together, something that we enjoy.
I also drink almost daily (1-3 drinks a day) but will go days without drinking. I've never had an addiction issue, and that's not why I'm here (I do not smoke pot).
I am concerned that my partner, who has expressed intense guilt and remorse over his affair, will one day resume drinking and doing drugs heavily when away from me or when he's stressed. . .I am afraid he will hide his usage from me. His father is a known alcoholic, and though my partner has stressed that he hates his father's habit and is working on confronting his own family about that, I just can't shake it from my mind that my partner will one day (20 years from now?) become his father, or become addicted to other drugs, or in some way be unfaithful to me and our relationship through hiding addiction and abuse. He's done it before!
I am happy to give more details if this isn't enough. I'm a new member seeking advice. Please help!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Hi maizeallee, first off 
to SR! This is a wonderful place and I hope you find the support you need.
Second, when discussing an addiction, it helps to remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
So, while you may have concern that your partner will resume his drug consumption or infidelity later on, it is not something you can control or change.
Have you looked into Al-Anon for yourself?
Please keep posting. The people here are awesome.
to SR! This is a wonderful place and I hope you find the support you need.Second, when discussing an addiction, it helps to remember the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
So, while you may have concern that your partner will resume his drug consumption or infidelity later on, it is not something you can control or change.
Have you looked into Al-Anon for yourself?
Please keep posting. The people here are awesome.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome!!
So glad you're here, but of course not glad about the reason you sought some support.
I will tell you what I've learned in my recovery as the ex-girlfriend of an alcoholic man.
I think it is entirely reasonable to be concerned that his response to stress or being overly lonely is to drink and act irresponsibly. Folks like to say that an indicator of someone's future behavior is their past behavior unless something changes. So what could change for your loved one? He could pursue counseling to get the tools he needs to approach stress or being alone a different way.
It's not your job, of course, to make sure his life is stress free or that he is never without you , that's asking you to put your life aside and become glued to his every need. That's what got me here. It's called enabling, but the essence of it is losing yourself in someone else, and you need to live as an individual first before you can be part of a pair.
His inability to control his drinking when he hits a rough patch in life and the behavior that drinking brings about is only going to escalate if nothing gets in its way, and you can't get in the way of it, only he can.
You can certainly support him by encouraging him to work through the issues that are driving his need to escape to alcohol, drugs, and other women. He has to want to address these issues by himself and for himself so he can be a fully participating partner in your relationship. If he refuses or fails, supporting him means letting him fail and suffer losing you for it. Even though that means you also lose him. But we all risk heartache when we take a chance falling in love, don't we?
Please stay and keep posting. Answers come to you when you stay open to the support of others, and that comes in abundance here.
again, Welcome!!
Alice
So glad you're here, but of course not glad about the reason you sought some support.
I will tell you what I've learned in my recovery as the ex-girlfriend of an alcoholic man.
I think it is entirely reasonable to be concerned that his response to stress or being overly lonely is to drink and act irresponsibly. Folks like to say that an indicator of someone's future behavior is their past behavior unless something changes. So what could change for your loved one? He could pursue counseling to get the tools he needs to approach stress or being alone a different way.
It's not your job, of course, to make sure his life is stress free or that he is never without you , that's asking you to put your life aside and become glued to his every need. That's what got me here. It's called enabling, but the essence of it is losing yourself in someone else, and you need to live as an individual first before you can be part of a pair.
His inability to control his drinking when he hits a rough patch in life and the behavior that drinking brings about is only going to escalate if nothing gets in its way, and you can't get in the way of it, only he can.
You can certainly support him by encouraging him to work through the issues that are driving his need to escape to alcohol, drugs, and other women. He has to want to address these issues by himself and for himself so he can be a fully participating partner in your relationship. If he refuses or fails, supporting him means letting him fail and suffer losing you for it. Even though that means you also lose him. But we all risk heartache when we take a chance falling in love, don't we?
Please stay and keep posting. Answers come to you when you stay open to the support of others, and that comes in abundance here.
again, Welcome!!
Alice
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 6
Thank you for your replies.
Itsmealice, I recognize that I did not cause it, but he has started saying more lately that he has always looked up to me, doesn't feel like he's good enough for me (deserve me, etc.), and that my absence when he was abusing drugs/drinking and having his affair fed into his low self esteem and that helped cause his loneliness, etc. He doesn't say he was right, he just gives it as an indicator of how he was thinking then.
yes, he has said he's going to start seeing a counselor. He hasn't made an appointment yet though
nodaybut2day, he is skeptical of AA methods, and I have to admit, I am too. I have friends who have gone through the program and even ones who go to meetings as adult children of alcoholics. I am not against the program, and I have been thinking about encouraging him (or requiring, as a condition of reconciliation after his affair) to go to the meetings to get a handle on himself and his abusive/addictive nature. I have also thought about going to some meetings to foster a sense of connection and understanding.
He's made some big turnarounds in the past few weeks but time will be the test. Alice, you're right, I can't be an enabler and I am a career woman who does not look forward to a stay-at-home life where I support him in the future with cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, etc. I like to travel for my work and that will be a common occurrence in the future.
I guess my question is what are some good indicators, given my story, that he won't be a repeat offender?
What are some measures I can put in place to help ensure I'm protected from his failures?
Itsmealice, I recognize that I did not cause it, but he has started saying more lately that he has always looked up to me, doesn't feel like he's good enough for me (deserve me, etc.), and that my absence when he was abusing drugs/drinking and having his affair fed into his low self esteem and that helped cause his loneliness, etc. He doesn't say he was right, he just gives it as an indicator of how he was thinking then.
yes, he has said he's going to start seeing a counselor. He hasn't made an appointment yet though
nodaybut2day, he is skeptical of AA methods, and I have to admit, I am too. I have friends who have gone through the program and even ones who go to meetings as adult children of alcoholics. I am not against the program, and I have been thinking about encouraging him (or requiring, as a condition of reconciliation after his affair) to go to the meetings to get a handle on himself and his abusive/addictive nature. I have also thought about going to some meetings to foster a sense of connection and understanding.
He's made some big turnarounds in the past few weeks but time will be the test. Alice, you're right, I can't be an enabler and I am a career woman who does not look forward to a stay-at-home life where I support him in the future with cooking, cleaning, buying groceries, etc. I like to travel for my work and that will be a common occurrence in the future.
I guess my question is what are some good indicators, given my story, that he won't be a repeat offender?
What are some measures I can put in place to help ensure I'm protected from his failures?
I Love Who I Am
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To address the infidelity: I cannot stress enough that you will need marital counceling to overcome not only your issues from the affair but his guilt and shame. I tried to reconcile with my AH after his affair without counceling but it didn't work. Even with his alcoholism, we would have had a fighting chance with therapy.
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Originally Posted by maizeallee 
Itsmealice, I recognize that I did not cause it, but he has started saying more lately that he has always looked up to me, doesn't feel like he's good enough for me (deserve me, etc.), and that my absence when he was abusing drugs/drinking and having his affair fed into his low self esteem and that helped cause his loneliness, etc. He doesn't say he was right, he just gives it as an indicator of how he was thinking then.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html
Originally Posted by maizeallee
I guess my question is what are some good indicators, given my story, that he won't be a repeat offender?
Originally Posted by maizeallee
What are some measures I can put in place to help ensure I'm protected from his failures?
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
This is JMO, but that sounds a lot like indirect blaming and self-pitying. Have you read this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html
I will say that I could adapt at least half of those statements to things he said while we were apart. See:
"All I want is a little relief!" -- he wanted to party with friends he didn't get to see as much because we moved away the year before.
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen! " -- He was saying that I was away, that was hard on him, and he needed an outlet for his pain and loneliness.
"I've got to be me! or You knew this when you married me!" -- We're not married, but he was giving me lots of grief about how his partying made him feel good and he wanted to work less, party more, and get back to the "good life" he'd left behind.
"I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work!" -- he would tell me that he needed SOMETHING to do at night to get out of the house -- he works from home so going out was his excuse for leaving 'the office'
"You're not so pure yourself!" -- we never had a firm monogamy agreement, and he threw that back in my face more times than I can count. He reminded me how many guys I kissed when we first met (ALWAYS in front of him, and never after the first few months. I never slept with anyone else or even came CLOSE).
"Trust me - I know what I am doing!" -- Even when I confronted him about his behaviour, hanging out with this girl I didn't like (she'd sleep over after nights of drinking and drugs), and going out all the time, he'd tell me there was nothing to worry about and gave plenty of excuses for how he had it under control, he loved me, she was trouble, nothing was going to happen, blah blah blah. Evidently, he was wrong!
"I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!" -- He still says this. He can look at another friend and talk about how lame they are, they only go out to drink adn get f'ed up and get in fights -- but just look at his own behaviour! He used to get in fights all the time (before we were dating) and would brag about nights out, brawls, and getting kicked out of places.
"Now is not a good time to stop! " -- He would tell me that this was just summer fun and that it would be time to clean up his act once he got home with me. He did, in fact, clean up his act and we've been aware of our drug/alcohol use since last summer, but his actions while he was abusing added up to "I'll quit when it's time to go home"
"Nobody is going to tell ME what to do!" -- Ahh, I especially love this one! I'm the mommy and he's the lil boy who needs help with the chores and someone to tell him when it's time to go to bed. F that! He uses defensiveness and sneaking as a way to assert that he really is in control, when in fact, he just had a hard time owning up to his own **** and being a man who can handle his own business. He would hide his activities with his past fiancee, telling her he wasn't smoking weed, for instance, when in fact he never quit. Total compartmentalization and conflict avoidance.
This one worries me the most! --"It will never, ever happen again!" --
because I am afraid it will. No matter what, until he battles the demons and i trust that it will take YEARS and then a lifetime of management, he is in danger of finding some new addiction in response to some new challenge to his self esteem and validation issues. They aren't going away over night!
Acceptance, and owning your sh*t, are the first steps in acknowledging what pain you've caused and the power of your actions on others.
Thanks for the link. . .I will think some more about what are acceptable patterns of beahviour and how I will enforce consequences when they are broken.
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To address the infidelity: I cannot stress enough that you will need marital counceling to overcome not only your issues from the affair but his guilt and shame. I tried to reconcile with my AH after his affair without counceling but it didn't work. Even with his alcoholism, we would have had a fighting chance with therapy.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
if we follow his line of reasoning that he was drinking and doing drugs and that helped lead him to having an affair.........and he's still drinking and doing drugs, WHAT HAS REALLY CHANGED? besides the fact that for the moment he has a lid on it? the damage caused by infidelity runs very deep in both parties, and unless addressed in a healthy non-threatening environment can destroy what is left. layer upon that problems with consumption of drugs and alcohol and you have a recipe for heartache and devastation.
there are no guarantees......with addiction anything is possible, and the outcomes if left untreated are dismal.
how can you protect yourself? step back and try to observe this relationship as objectively as possible. how does look ON PAPER to the casual third party? what is the risk/reward analysis?
then step back into yourself....is an ongoing relationship with a substance abuser with a proven track record of poor choices and involvements with other women in YOUR best interest? what holds you to someone who has such a weak moral compass and inability to handle life? how will you feel if he does it again? two months is not an oops, got too drunk ONE night thing....
and finally, is this good enough? is this what you are willing to settle for?
there are no guarantees......with addiction anything is possible, and the outcomes if left untreated are dismal.
how can you protect yourself? step back and try to observe this relationship as objectively as possible. how does look ON PAPER to the casual third party? what is the risk/reward analysis?
then step back into yourself....is an ongoing relationship with a substance abuser with a proven track record of poor choices and involvements with other women in YOUR best interest? what holds you to someone who has such a weak moral compass and inability to handle life? how will you feel if he does it again? two months is not an oops, got too drunk ONE night thing....
and finally, is this good enough? is this what you are willing to settle for?
I don't want to downplay his condition -- I honestly WOULD like to see him cut back his drinking. His father is an alcoholic and I am worried he'll go there too. Like my parents and his mom, an acceptable intake and boundary *for me* would be 1-2 drinks a day, if that, around dinner time and certainly not doing shots before bed to "fall asleep" or cracking a beer at lunch. I just don't think that's healthy! I am also okay with having more beers on one or two weekend nights, but not to the point of binge drinking.
The point of me writing this out is not to say that I'm not with you guys, or that I'm trying to minimize, but those really are my boundaries and follow in line with the way my family drinks when socializing, which I have come to view as acceptable for myself.
You are right, there are noguarantees. . .which is why i'm here, seeking help, looking for ways in which to institute boundaries NOW so that I can protect myself in the future knowing that I did what I could to guide myself and him into a healthy direction.
I'm also a big fan of "on paper" perpsective and I've had a hard time verbalizing this to a lot of people (I only have a couple of trusted friends I can talk to who are "with it") because the story gets so long and becomes so complicated. . .his reasons for straying are COMPLEX and I haven't been able to articulate them into just a few sentences. . .this is a good exercise, though. I do wish he could do that for me!
One thing I would say right now is that he doesn't have a "proven" track record.. .I do want to see his beahviour last year as an aberration, something he hadn't done in the 4 years we'd been together at that point.
As for "settling," if he doesn't sustain these huge changes he's currently working on, i will NOT settle! You can betcha!
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So many good questions and so many others brought up in the replies...it must seem like a mountain to climb when you first start seeking answers, but it is well worth the effort, believe me!
You mentioned giving an ultimatum of sorts...seek AA to reconcile. From my experience these kind of directives only lead to trouble down the line. There are too many variables someone who wants to work around them can find. How long does he have to attend? Does he just have to show up or does he actually have to participate in the program? What if does go but continues to drink? What if he has another affair but continues to go to AA?
When my EX would drink heavily on the weekends and be verbally abusive I would lay down the law and say he can't drink like that around me....so he would drink in his truck then come in the house drunk and verbally berate me. In his mind, he was following my request. To me, he was just being an ass and doing just what he could get away with.
I learned that boundaries aren't about directives for him. They are about directives for me. If he drinks, what is my response. I chose to stay in another room, leave the house, and eventually left him entirely. Let him feel the consequences and see my actions rather than my telling him what to do. He has to figure out what getting drunk and being abusive will get him....a whole lot of lonely, and whole lot more consequences for his actions that I won't soften up or take care of for him.
And boundaries have to be backed up. If you tell him that you want a truely sober, seeking healthy behaviors, faithful partner or you're moving on, and he doesn't want to be that for you or wants to just play the part when you're around but act the ass when you're away, then move on. It won't benefit anyone if you back down.
Keep working through these questions. You never know what he's going to do. You can only watch and see and take care of yourself in the meantime.
Alice
You mentioned giving an ultimatum of sorts...seek AA to reconcile. From my experience these kind of directives only lead to trouble down the line. There are too many variables someone who wants to work around them can find. How long does he have to attend? Does he just have to show up or does he actually have to participate in the program? What if does go but continues to drink? What if he has another affair but continues to go to AA?
When my EX would drink heavily on the weekends and be verbally abusive I would lay down the law and say he can't drink like that around me....so he would drink in his truck then come in the house drunk and verbally berate me. In his mind, he was following my request. To me, he was just being an ass and doing just what he could get away with.
I learned that boundaries aren't about directives for him. They are about directives for me. If he drinks, what is my response. I chose to stay in another room, leave the house, and eventually left him entirely. Let him feel the consequences and see my actions rather than my telling him what to do. He has to figure out what getting drunk and being abusive will get him....a whole lot of lonely, and whole lot more consequences for his actions that I won't soften up or take care of for him.
And boundaries have to be backed up. If you tell him that you want a truely sober, seeking healthy behaviors, faithful partner or you're moving on, and he doesn't want to be that for you or wants to just play the part when you're around but act the ass when you're away, then move on. It won't benefit anyone if you back down.
Keep working through these questions. You never know what he's going to do. You can only watch and see and take care of yourself in the meantime.
Alice
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I just had this thought -- maybe he had always 'held me on a pedestal,' and when he finally had some time alone, he became disgruntled and angry at me for choosing a career opportunity over our relationship (NOT being true, as 2 mos away shouldn't be about me abandoning or neglecting him. . .I'm just trying to get in his mind).
Would this theory explain why he would tear loose and have an affair, abuse alcoohol and drugs?
Would this theory explain why he would tear loose and have an affair, abuse alcoohol and drugs?
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Originally Posted by maizeallee
I'm just trying to get in his mind
I too spent a lot of time analyzing my XAH, trying to see things from his perspective, justifying him to my friends and family, talking TO him, talking to his family...it got me nowhere, especially after dealing with his drinking and abuse for 5 years.
I personally feel that there's a time where you just wash your hands of the WHY, call it a mystery of the universe or whatever, and move on with your life.
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Originally Posted by maizeallee
I just had this thought -- maybe he had always 'held me on a pedestal,' and when he finally had some time alone, he became disgruntled and angry at me for choosing a career opportunity over our relationship (NOT being true, as 2 mos away shouldn't be about me abandoning or neglecting him. . .I'm just trying to get in his mind).
Would this theory explain why he would tear loose and have an affair, abuse alcoohol and drugs?
Would this theory explain why he would tear loose and have an affair, abuse alcoohol and drugs?
I agree with the above posts as well. What theory MATTERS to explain why he would tear loose??
Really, you're simply searching for answers so that you don't feel like it's because of you. It's NOT YOU. It has nothing to do with you. It's so hard to see and feel that, I understand completely.
I wanted to understand why my XA used me, lied to me, hurt me when I cared so much for him...I have been in PAIN for MONTHS trying to figure out answers to this.....
Do you know what the answer is? BECAUSE HE'S A SELFISH, SELF CENTERED, JERK, WHO SAYS WHATEVER HE NEEDS TO TO GET WHATEVER HE WANTS.
His choice to cheat, use drugs and alcohol is a choice. It is a poor choice HE MADE to deal with his issues, whatever they may be. Not everyone turns to these behaviors to deal with things.
There are other ways....and the only thing you can do is work on ways that YOU choose to deal with things, by dealing with it in healthy ways.
I am just coming to terms with my anger for how I was treated...but I will NO LONGER EVER JUSTIFY WHY HE TREATED ME THAT WAY. And I never want him in my life again... I can say that with certainty. It's a process.... sometimes a long one. Work the steps and soon you won't be wanting to justify his behavior, you'll know there is NO justification.
HUGS.
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