maizeallee

Thanks, nodaybut2day. I took a look at that post in that thread, and I recognize MANY things he said when he was in the throes of his affair. At first when I read it I felt like that isn't him. . .and that isn't him NOW. He's shown himself now to be working on many, many problems. Not perfectly, but it's only been a few weeks, and I *do* have to cut him some slack as he has work 12 hours a day and family issues he's trying to resolve.

I will say that I could adapt at least half of those statements to things he said while we were apart. See:

"All I want is a little relief!" -- he wanted to party with friends he didn't get to see as much because we moved away the year before.

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen! " -- He was saying that I was away, that was hard on him, and he needed an outlet for his pain and loneliness.

"I've got to be me! or You knew this when you married me!" -- We're not married, but he was giving me lots of grief about how his partying made him feel good and he wanted to work less, party more, and get back to the "good life" he'd left behind.

"I HAVE to drink (or drug) for my work!" -- he would tell me that he needed SOMETHING to do at night to get out of the house -- he works from home so going out was his excuse for leaving 'the office'

"You're not so pure yourself!" -- we never had a firm monogamy agreement, and he threw that back in my face more times than I can count. He reminded me how many guys I kissed when we first met (ALWAYS in front of him, and never after the first few months. I never slept with anyone else or even came CLOSE).

"Trust me - I know what I am doing!" -- Even when I confronted him about his behaviour, hanging out with this girl I didn't like (she'd sleep over after nights of drinking and drugs), and going out all the time, he'd tell me there was nothing to worry about and gave plenty of excuses for how he had it under control, he loved me, she was trouble, nothing was going to happen, blah blah blah. Evidently, he was wrong!


"I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!" -- He still says this. He can look at another friend and talk about how lame they are, they only go out to drink adn get f'ed up and get in fights -- but just look at his own behaviour! He used to get in fights all the time (before we were dating) and would brag about nights out, brawls, and getting kicked out of places.

"Now is not a good time to stop! " -- He would tell me that this was just summer fun and that it would be time to clean up his act once he got home with me. He did, in fact, clean up his act and we've been aware of our drug/alcohol use since last summer, but his actions while he was abusing added up to "I'll quit when it's time to go home"

"Nobody is going to tell ME what to do!" -- Ahh, I especially love this one! I'm the mommy and he's the lil boy who needs help with the chores and someone to tell him when it's time to go to bed. F that! He uses defensiveness and sneaking as a way to assert that he really is in control, when in fact, he just had a hard time owning up to his own **** and being a man who can handle his own business. He would hide his activities with his past fiancee, telling her he wasn't smoking weed, for instance, when in fact he never quit. Total compartmentalization and conflict avoidance.

This one worries me the most! --"It will never, ever happen again!" --
because I am afraid it will. No matter what, until he battles the demons and i trust that it will take YEARS and then a lifetime of management, he is in danger of finding some new addiction in response to some new challenge to his self esteem and validation issues. They aren't going away over night!

Acceptance, and owning your sh*t, are the first steps in acknowledging what pain you've caused and the power of your actions on others.

Thanks for the link. . .I will think some more about what are acceptable patterns of beahviour and how I will enforce consequences when they are broken.