jane_668

I always hear about service and that it's what keep addicts clean and sober. But how do you know that you are strong enough to help others? Some say that service helps us shift our focus from our problems to somebody's else. Thus, making us feel better. I have a friend who is 1.5 years clean. She has mainly a food disorder plus drgs /alcohol issues. She's here for the holiday. She asked me,if she can be accountable to me and send me sms in the mourning and evening telling me she's sober. I said ok at the begining but seeing her passing through some low periods get me down and I started having triggers. Today, I asked her what's wrong? she said she binged on an apple for emotional reasons. I said apple is healthy but it seems I dont understand.She's not supposed to do that. I asked her why didnot she call me and she said I was going through my own sh*t. I told her that I am new and I'll have some days up and some downs so when I capable I'll try to help her. I donnot know if I am strong enough or if it's wise for me to put myself in such a situation. I'm already trying to pull myself out of negativity and depression. I appreciate it if you guys/gals could share your experience with service and when did you start helping other addicts?

REZ

An addict with one day clean can help an addict with zero days clean simply by listening and offering a message of hope. You can always help others in some way, even if it just by being at a meeting. In your situation, it seems that you are having some issues with helping this particular person. I won't offer any advice. I have been in situations like yours and talking to my sponsor helped me get some perspective. I have discontinued relationships with people in NA to protect my own recovery. There is nothing wrong with that if done in a loving way.

2ala2

I've done that too. My recovery comes 1st.

The type of service I did when I was at 3-4 months was making coffee and setting up chairs in my home group. When I got to 6 months, the secretary position became vacant and I was voted in. I've been doing service ever since.

It is not the only thing that has kept me clean, but i believe it it to be a strong catalyst.

Threshold

Is your friend doing greysheet? if so, yup, an apple can be a binge. But if she is...she should be calling her sponsor with that, NOT you.

I'm new to recovery and have some of the same questions you do. I have to be REAL careful about my own recovery and boundaries. If I am having a good day, I may be tempted to make promises I can't keep, ie...reaching out more than I am capable of committing to.

At this point I am keeping it simple, and not making committments, because if I do, I will go home, stress myself to death and get in a pickle. I can talk to people after meetings, but I am not prepared to be "called at any time"...so I won't make that offer to someone.

I had one make that offer to me..then pretend it wasn't her when she picked up the phone...hmmm. I understand where she is coming from and don't hold it against her, but I think I'd rather NOT go there and end up having to be dishonest or whatever.

My own sponsor admitted that there is one area that is a huge trigger for her and if I have a specific problem in that area could I please call someone else. She told me this right off the bat, didn't wait till I was in crisis or anything, and I appreciate her honesty. It's good for both of us.

I have not yet joined a home group (waiting on a job to see if I will be free to attend any of their meetings due to time conflicts) but I try to help out in little ways at the meetings I attend, chairs, literature (no one is assigned those as specific jobs) even helping with coffee, etc. I am moving toward giving other addicts rides, and I do make an effort to speak with people who are even newer than me, and to speak up about my experience as a newcomer when there are newcomers at meeting. Those are acts of service I can do, that currently do not trigger me.

I trust, and others assure me, that as I work the steps I will become equipped and confident to do more and get more involved. But working the steps, not just showing up at meetings is essential...they tell me. I may stay clean, but I won't grow and recover until I do my stepwork.

I am also careful about who I "befriend"...We are a bunch of addicts and some of us have some pretty serious issues in the area of relationships...A newcomer may be the most important person at any given meeting but face it...I am in NA for ME. MY recovery is MY priority. I wouldn't have strolled in those doors a non addict just out of the goodness of my heart to help someone else.

I came in to recover, I stay to recover, and if something in the program, after honest evaluation is hindering my recovery, I will stay away from it, or them. This can be due to MY issues as much as theirs. I recognize they may be fine, but because of where I am, I need to stay away.

This has already happened, there is a man I am very attracted to, but I really need to not go there...so I keep my distance, no hugs, no idle chit chat, no standing next to him in closing circle, etc. He is a great guy, works his program, doesn't lech after women...in this case I am the issue!

Sober25

Service work is important but if you rely on anything other than the 12 steps to keep you clean and sober you are choosing to leave out the only program of recovery NA offers. All the other things are just icing on the cake. Yes, icing makes cake better, but it's important not to bypass the cake.

Sugah

I had an experience when I was about where you are now...

I remember a time in early recovery when my pain was over the top and though I wasn't thinking about getting high, I was thinking about treating my pain, and that scared me. I didn't feel I was spiritually fit enough to do so without consequence. I prayed -- please, please get me through this. I'll do anything. I just don't want to pick up.

It didn't occur to me until after the fact that my prayer was answered in the form of a phone call. Another member who was in crisis called, needing an ear, needing some hope, and we talked. It seemed as soon as I hung up the phone, it rang again. Someone else in crisis. We talked. On and on it went. I had two cordless phones and my son had an "old fashioned" one in his room -- he had to bring it to me because I couldn't keep the batteries charged in the others. Two days later, when my phone finally stopped ringing so often, my pain had eased. Then I realized -- when I was busy thinking about someone else, my own pain didn't seem so bad.

Does this always work? I don't know. I'm thinking that I became a lot more open to helping others when I took the third step. There's a fine line for me between seeing people and situations as put in my life for a reason and falling back on the insanity of my former conspiracy theories. With the third step, I began seeing the gifts in life. Before the third step, I was all caught up in externals, imagining everything (including my addiction) was out to get me.

Jane, did you say a prayer before or while talking to your friend?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

LowBottom

I agree service can be making coffee and setting up chairs, secretary, H&I, PI, Phonelines, door greeters. That is service work. I think you are talking about 12 step calls and If I was new to the program I would leave those up to people with more experience doing this thing called recovery because YOU have to come first. Otherwise if you have time here then ... I still don't do things that make me uncomfortable and like they say you dont have to dance with everyone you just have to dance with someone.

jane_668

Thank you all for your response. The truth is I donnot know anymore what's right or not. I'm passing through some very hard times for no reason. I tried to change my eating to more healthy but the same. I donnot know what's wrong with me. Some hours I would feel soo good and other times I would feel low. I had cravings all weeke.I wake up at 2 am with panic attacks. At first I thought because of my friend then I thought it's because I donnot help.I'm confused and it's hard. I have two close friends of mine who relapsed and I'm scared. Actually I dont feel like doing drugs but drinking and when I drink I end up using. I thought maybe there's something I'm not doing.I just wish I can know why I am having all these cravings.

Sugah, yes I'm praying . I pray in the morning and evening.

Gmoney

Well said!

I'm not one to tell others that service keeps me clean...because it doesn't. I believe when members say that, they really mean that being of service is a big part of their recovery...not recovery itself. I sometimes share with sponsees that recovery is like an apple pie and there are many ingredients that go into making that pie. Apples alone doesn't make apple pie.

IMO, the most basic form of service we do is by sharing our ES&H. In fact, our literature tells us that's really all we have to give. If I come to a meeting and share about a problem I'm having in recovery - when I come back and share the solution I've found...I've been of service because someone who may be going through the same issues can benefit from my experience.

In early recovery I picked up coffee cups, put away chairs, emptied ashtrays and made coffee. After meetings I'd sometimes offer rides home. I later served in my home group as secretary and treasurer. I agree that giving advice is a no-no, but listening is always a service we can do no matter how much time or experience we have.

jane_668

Wow Sugah, it's like you are using my own words. That's exactly how I feel. I donnot want to use but I feel this emptiness or void so I thought maybe there's something I can do to fill it. During the first 60 days, everything seemed tasteless. Now , I feel I'm over-feeling. If you can understand what I mean. When I'm happy ,I'm over happy and vice versa. I over react to situations that are silly and stupid. So, I need an outlet . Something that would help me get out of my mind and STOP THINKING. I think way too much and cannot help it. I worry about everything.

Yesterday, I thought a lot about the situation and realized that perhaps I'm still tempted to hang with people using. Then ,I would later justify it to myself that I was helping addicts newly clean. I realized this is an opportunity for me to start practicing some boundaries including no talks whatsoever to with few days clean. I will not even say a Hi. My problem is that I donnot know how to set real boundaries so for now I'll not talk to anyone with less clean time than me. I know that it's extreme but perhaps later as I become more comfortable in my recovery I can become more friendly with them. I used to thing that since we're supposed to help each other, I shouldnot not help someone when he's asking for it. I thought that was called being selfish.Now I know that NA is a selfish program because if I am not good to myself than I'm not good to anyone.