I remember a time in early recovery when my pain was over the top and though I wasn't thinking about getting high, I was thinking about treating my pain, and that scared me. I didn't feel I was spiritually fit enough to do so without consequence. I prayed -- please, please get me through this. I'll do anything. I just don't want to pick up.
Wow Sugah, it's like you are using my own words. That's exactly how I feel. I donnot want to use but I feel this emptiness or void so I thought maybe there's something I can do to fill it. During the first 60 days, everything seemed tasteless. Now , I feel I'm over-feeling. If you can understand what I mean. When I'm happy ,I'm over happy and vice versa. I over react to situations that are silly and stupid. So, I need an outlet . Something that would help me get out of my mind and STOP THINKING. I think way too much and cannot help it. I worry about everything.
Yesterday, I thought a lot about the situation and realized that perhaps I'm still tempted to hang with people using. Then ,I would later justify it to myself that I was helping addicts newly clean. I realized this is an opportunity for me to start practicing some boundaries including no talks whatsoever to with few days clean. I will not even say a Hi. My problem is that I donnot know how to set real boundaries so for now I'll not talk to anyone with less clean time than me. I know that it's extreme but perhaps later as I become more comfortable in my recovery I can become more friendly with them. I used to thing that since we're supposed to help each other, I shouldnot not help someone when he's asking for it. I thought that was called being selfish.Now I know that NA is a selfish program because if I am not good to myself than I'm not good to anyone.